Title: The Fellowship's Screwed Up Stay
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.R.R Tolkien owns all concepts and characters of Middle Earth. I; however, own a ham sandwich.
One day the fellowship was treking their way to France. They grew tired and it was getting late. Most fortunately, they came upon an inn.
"Oh good," exclaimed Pippin. "Hot soup and a warm bed tonight!"
Gandalf frowned. "These inns cost money, you know. If we stay here that's less money you'll have for those french whores you incessantly prattle on about."
Aaragorn looked thoughtful. "It wouldn't hurt to ask about the rates."
Boromir peeked inside. "Looks like a lady runs the place."
Gimli smile broadly, and thrust Legolas forward. "Off with ya, laddie. Get us some good rooms, preferably with a view of the east."
Legolas sighed. "I feel so cheap."
"That's what you get for having that pretty boy long blond hair."
Five minutes later...
"I'm really impressed, Legolas," exclaimed Frodo as he and the others admired the expansive and expensive suite.
"What on earth did you say to the woman," Sam wanted to know.
Legolas tried not to look too pleased with himself. "I flashed her."
Sam leaned towards Frodo and whispered, "I think that elf's used to taking his clothes off in front of strange ladies, Mr. Frodo."
Merry, Pippin, and Aaragorn were jumping on the large, luxerious beds until Gandalf snapped at them to quit.
"Those beds are not for jumping on, you foolish Took! I am going to take a bath," snarled Gandalf, and stalked towards the bathroom.
Boromir turned to Legolas. "Sounds like that old wizard needs a french whore."
Everyone clutched their sides with laughter. Sam put his hand on the phone. "Let's call room service, Mr. Frodo."
"Go for it, Sam," encouraged Frodo.
"Have them bring up some champagne and caviar," said Gimli, tossing his axe aside, and sitting on one of the plush couches.
Merry and Pippin discovered a small cabinet filled with small bottle of liquor. They became so excited by their find that they danced.
Gandalf sat in the enormous tub, surrounded by pink bubbles, and exhaled smoke rings. This was the life for him. He shouted for someone to bring him a martini. Pippin trooped in bearing a tray laden with two glasses of champagne, various small bottles of liquor, and a small dish of caviar on ice with crackers.
"Sam just ordered some lobster claws and raw clams," he announced, and darted back out.
Legolas emerged from one of the large closets. "Look at these marvelous robes!"
"I want one-better make it two. I promised Arwen I would bring her something," said Aaragorn, lighting his pipe.
"Ah, this is excellent champagne," announced Gimli.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Samwise were on one of the beds reading the yellow pages and giggling.
"What're you laughing at," Merry wanted to know.
"Sam found the section that lists all the strippers in the area," gasped Frodo.
Boromir smiled broadly. "Now that *does* sound like fun."
"Let me see!" Merry dove for the yellow pages.
"Find one that wears a french maid outfit," piped up Pippin.
"Ah, Gandalf, you're just in time," said Gimli, "We're going to hire a stripper."
"Do it then," replied Gandalf, already on his second glass of champagne. A knock sounded on the door.
"That would be the lobster claws," said Aaragorn.
"And raw clams," Pippin called after him.
Much to Aaragorn's dismay, it was not the lobster claws and raw clams. There, in the doorway, stood two of the ugliest women he'd ever seen.
"We heard you wanted some stippers," said the brunette in a deep, oily voice.
The platinum blonde stripper's face contorted into something like a smile as they entered the room. The oily brunette smiled a sinfully ugly smile at the repulsed men.
"We shall fulfill your erotic desires. I am Divinity, and this," Divinity gestured at the scary platinum blonde, "is the Turkish Delight."
"Looks more Swedish than Turkish to me," stated Gimli.
Frodo looked terrified. Legolas dropped his glass and turned away from the hideous strippers. "I feel sick."
Pippin was very upset. "They're not french!"
Merry looked like he was surrounded by rabid Wargs. "Uh, no, they're not, Pippin."
"Let the fun begin," said Divinity. She and the Turkish Delight threw aside their robes.
Boromir and Aaragorn screamed and held each other.
"Do not look," ordered Gandalf, covering his eyes.
Pippin, of course, looked, and shrieked, "Gandalf, it's *them*!"
Sam looked the two figures up and down. "Those aren't women, Mr. Frodo!"
"I know that, Sam. Grab your sword!"
Only Gandalf remained calm. "I should have known. Grima Wormtongue and Saruman the White, strippers extroidinaire."
Aaragorn and Gimli chuckled. Boromir was furious, as was Pippin.
"They're not women," shouted Boromir.
"They're not french, and they're men," yelled Pippin.
Saruman clonked Wormtongue on the head. "I told you this was a bad idea!"
"I told you to stuff your bra, master."
Legolas turned green. Even Gimli paled upon hearing this. "They make bras in your size," he asked, incredulous.
Saruman glared at Gandalf. "See what has become of me? I blame society for this! And *you*!" Here, Saruman kicked Wormtongue. "We should have stayed at our old jobs."
"I never could get the hang of swinging around that pole," growled Wormtongue. He smiled a horrific smile. "Oh please, good sirs, a few coins for our work."
"Work," exclaimed Merry, "You didn't even take your clothes off!"
"No, Merry," shrieked Pippin, "don't encourage them!"
"Gandalf, please get rid of them or I am going to throw up," begged Legolas.
"Very well, take these two coins and off with your foul carcasses."
Wormtongue frowned. "Two coins? Do you have any idea-"
"Get out," yelled Gandalf .
"Damn this profession," grumbled Saruman as the two amateur strippers exited.
The fellowship stared at each other in silence for several moments.
"I need another drink." Legolas proceeded to make himself a rum and coke.
There was another knock at the door. "Room service."
The fellowship exchanged identicle expressions. Did anyone honestly expect them to eat after witnessing that?
~FIN~
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.R.R Tolkien owns all concepts and characters of Middle Earth. I; however, own a ham sandwich.
One day the fellowship was treking their way to France. They grew tired and it was getting late. Most fortunately, they came upon an inn.
"Oh good," exclaimed Pippin. "Hot soup and a warm bed tonight!"
Gandalf frowned. "These inns cost money, you know. If we stay here that's less money you'll have for those french whores you incessantly prattle on about."
Aaragorn looked thoughtful. "It wouldn't hurt to ask about the rates."
Boromir peeked inside. "Looks like a lady runs the place."
Gimli smile broadly, and thrust Legolas forward. "Off with ya, laddie. Get us some good rooms, preferably with a view of the east."
Legolas sighed. "I feel so cheap."
"That's what you get for having that pretty boy long blond hair."
Five minutes later...
"I'm really impressed, Legolas," exclaimed Frodo as he and the others admired the expansive and expensive suite.
"What on earth did you say to the woman," Sam wanted to know.
Legolas tried not to look too pleased with himself. "I flashed her."
Sam leaned towards Frodo and whispered, "I think that elf's used to taking his clothes off in front of strange ladies, Mr. Frodo."
Merry, Pippin, and Aaragorn were jumping on the large, luxerious beds until Gandalf snapped at them to quit.
"Those beds are not for jumping on, you foolish Took! I am going to take a bath," snarled Gandalf, and stalked towards the bathroom.
Boromir turned to Legolas. "Sounds like that old wizard needs a french whore."
Everyone clutched their sides with laughter. Sam put his hand on the phone. "Let's call room service, Mr. Frodo."
"Go for it, Sam," encouraged Frodo.
"Have them bring up some champagne and caviar," said Gimli, tossing his axe aside, and sitting on one of the plush couches.
Merry and Pippin discovered a small cabinet filled with small bottle of liquor. They became so excited by their find that they danced.
Gandalf sat in the enormous tub, surrounded by pink bubbles, and exhaled smoke rings. This was the life for him. He shouted for someone to bring him a martini. Pippin trooped in bearing a tray laden with two glasses of champagne, various small bottles of liquor, and a small dish of caviar on ice with crackers.
"Sam just ordered some lobster claws and raw clams," he announced, and darted back out.
Legolas emerged from one of the large closets. "Look at these marvelous robes!"
"I want one-better make it two. I promised Arwen I would bring her something," said Aaragorn, lighting his pipe.
"Ah, this is excellent champagne," announced Gimli.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Samwise were on one of the beds reading the yellow pages and giggling.
"What're you laughing at," Merry wanted to know.
"Sam found the section that lists all the strippers in the area," gasped Frodo.
Boromir smiled broadly. "Now that *does* sound like fun."
"Let me see!" Merry dove for the yellow pages.
"Find one that wears a french maid outfit," piped up Pippin.
"Ah, Gandalf, you're just in time," said Gimli, "We're going to hire a stripper."
"Do it then," replied Gandalf, already on his second glass of champagne. A knock sounded on the door.
"That would be the lobster claws," said Aaragorn.
"And raw clams," Pippin called after him.
Much to Aaragorn's dismay, it was not the lobster claws and raw clams. There, in the doorway, stood two of the ugliest women he'd ever seen.
"We heard you wanted some stippers," said the brunette in a deep, oily voice.
The platinum blonde stripper's face contorted into something like a smile as they entered the room. The oily brunette smiled a sinfully ugly smile at the repulsed men.
"We shall fulfill your erotic desires. I am Divinity, and this," Divinity gestured at the scary platinum blonde, "is the Turkish Delight."
"Looks more Swedish than Turkish to me," stated Gimli.
Frodo looked terrified. Legolas dropped his glass and turned away from the hideous strippers. "I feel sick."
Pippin was very upset. "They're not french!"
Merry looked like he was surrounded by rabid Wargs. "Uh, no, they're not, Pippin."
"Let the fun begin," said Divinity. She and the Turkish Delight threw aside their robes.
Boromir and Aaragorn screamed and held each other.
"Do not look," ordered Gandalf, covering his eyes.
Pippin, of course, looked, and shrieked, "Gandalf, it's *them*!"
Sam looked the two figures up and down. "Those aren't women, Mr. Frodo!"
"I know that, Sam. Grab your sword!"
Only Gandalf remained calm. "I should have known. Grima Wormtongue and Saruman the White, strippers extroidinaire."
Aaragorn and Gimli chuckled. Boromir was furious, as was Pippin.
"They're not women," shouted Boromir.
"They're not french, and they're men," yelled Pippin.
Saruman clonked Wormtongue on the head. "I told you this was a bad idea!"
"I told you to stuff your bra, master."
Legolas turned green. Even Gimli paled upon hearing this. "They make bras in your size," he asked, incredulous.
Saruman glared at Gandalf. "See what has become of me? I blame society for this! And *you*!" Here, Saruman kicked Wormtongue. "We should have stayed at our old jobs."
"I never could get the hang of swinging around that pole," growled Wormtongue. He smiled a horrific smile. "Oh please, good sirs, a few coins for our work."
"Work," exclaimed Merry, "You didn't even take your clothes off!"
"No, Merry," shrieked Pippin, "don't encourage them!"
"Gandalf, please get rid of them or I am going to throw up," begged Legolas.
"Very well, take these two coins and off with your foul carcasses."
Wormtongue frowned. "Two coins? Do you have any idea-"
"Get out," yelled Gandalf .
"Damn this profession," grumbled Saruman as the two amateur strippers exited.
The fellowship stared at each other in silence for several moments.
"I need another drink." Legolas proceeded to make himself a rum and coke.
There was another knock at the door. "Room service."
The fellowship exchanged identicle expressions. Did anyone honestly expect them to eat after witnessing that?
~FIN~