Author's Note: Sorry it took forever for me to update this one. I've been
busy with my other fics. So yeah.
Chapter 3
*Everyone is back on the set, already in costume. True to the transpiring events of last chapter, Striker has stuck Lloyd's cape in a shredder. The Wingly is trying desperately to get himself free*
Lloyd: *pulling on cape* No! I don't want to be shredded! I'm too pretty to die!
Lavitz: Do you think he'll figure out that he can just take off his cape?
Striker: I hope not. I'm filming this for future blackmail. *indicates camcorder in hand*
Dart: *takes advantage of Lloyd's preoccupation to sneak up behind him and give him a wedgie* Weedog! You're riding high now, cowboy! *realizes that Lloyd is wearing Care Bear underwear* (That rhymed! Care Bear underwear! Heh.) O_O *falls over laughing*
Lloyd: _ *mutters* I knew I shouldn't have worn that pair today...
Striker: *laughing his head off*
Lloyd: *finally realizes that his cape has been almost completely shredded* O_O I don't wanna die! Don't shred me, evil spinny thing!
Albert: -_- *turns off shredder*
Striker, Dart, and Lavitz: Aw, COME ON!
Albert: We have no time for this. Unclasp your cape, Lloyd.
Lloyd: *blink blink* I can take this off? *unclasps what's left of his cape* YAY! I am free to live the rest of my pretty life!
Dart: I can't believe you did that. You are such a spoilsport.
Albert: *sniff, sniff* Is something burning?
Dart: *slips lighter back into pocket*
Striker: All right, let's get down to business.
Albert: *suddenly notices his cape is on fire... again* DART! *runs off to douse himself... again*
Dart: I never get tired of that.
Striker: Yeah, yeah. Let's get going.
*A few minutes later, they are filming the train scene. The alarm goes off as normal, but then the train lurches and stops.*
Striker: What the hell?
Dart: I swear, I didn't do it this time!
Lloyd: *slices a hole in the roof of the train with the Masamune* HAHAHAHA! I shall take my revenge for my poor undies! You shall all die, pathetic ugly people!
Rose: I'm gonna...
Dart: Let me handle this. *puts on fake look of surprise* Lloyd, LOOK! It's a GIANT MIRROR!
Lloyd: O_O WHERE? Must admire myself! *whips around*
Dart: *beans him on the head with Cloud's sword*
Lloyd: X_x *falls over*
Dart: Problem solved.
Striker: *sighs* At least he's not in any scenes any time soon... OK, let's try that again.
*Train scene proceeds as normal, as do all following scenes until they reach the catwalk where President Shinra is SUPPOSED (key word) to appear in his helicopter and sic the Air Buster on the trio.*
Dart: *arrives at catwalk, Rose and Kongol behind* Where's the helicopter?
Striker: I don't know. Doel must have missed his cue.
Rose: You cast Doel as President Shinra? But he's already Biggs!
Striker: Tight casting. Sue me.
*Suddenly, a herd of cows comes stampeding down the walkway, and Dart, Rose, and Kongol are nearly trampled to death*
Doel: *comes flying in inside the helicopter, firing the machine gun madly* Kill cows, KILL COWS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Striker: CUT! Where the hell did you find a herd of cows to chase here?
Doel: KILL ALL COWS!
Cow: Moo.
Doel: I missed one! *blows several bloody holes in the last surviving cow* Now you're gonna be shipped off to the slaughterhouse and get turned into hamburger meat! *starts laughing maniacally*
Striker: Note to self: Never, EVER give Doel a helicopter with a machine gun again. Emphasis on EVER.
************************************************************************
*Later, during the fight with Air Buster...*
Dart: *throws Air Buster off the walkway* *dusts hands off* OK, he's history, what now?
Striker: -_- You have to actually FIGHT that.
Dart: Why?
Striker: Because in video games they always overlook extremely simple solutions that should work but don't. Besides, we need a flashy fight scene here for the movie, and the robot needs to explode so you can fall off the walkway.
Dart: *sigh* Fine.
*Fight with Air Buster goes as normal, robot explodes, Dart/Cloud falls off walkway and lands in Aeris's church, yatta, yatta, yatta...*
Dart: *rubbing his rear end* You think you could make that landing a little softer?
Shana: *walks in* *gasp* DART! *clings to his leg* ^_^
Kanzas: *is in Reno's costume* I can't believe I got forced into this... *sees Shana glomped onto Dart's leg* O_o What the hell is that?
Dart: Just act like she's standing next to me. *is obviously used to this by now*
Kanzas: How do you know that... THING is a she? What if it's a brain- sucking parasitic alien from another dimension?
Dart: To be honest, I haven't really totalled ruled out that possibility yet...
Striker: I am not seeing ANY of this in the script, people!
************************************************************************
*In Aeris's house in Sector 5*
Claire: *dressed as Elmyra* Dart?
Dart: Hi, Mom.
Claire: Isn't Shana supposed to be here too?
Dart: *sticks out leg*
Claire: Ah.
Haschel: O_O CLAIRE! *heart attack* *dies*
Striker: -_- *sigh*
************************************************************************
*In the Wall Market*
Dart: No.
Striker: You have to.
Dart: No, I don't.
Striker: Come on.
Dart: I WILL NOT DRESS UP AS A WOMAN!
Striker: *sigh* Tell you what, Dart, if you do this, I might have an early Christmas present for you... *holds up jug of lighter fluid*
Dart: O_O Well, in that case...
Rose: I cannot believe you actually managed to get him to agree to publicly humiliate himself.
Striker: Lesson 1: Pyromaniacs will do ANYTHING to get any highly flammable objects they cannot obtain themselves. I know from personal experience.
************************************************************************
Kongol: *inside bathroom in bar* Ooooooh... Kongol knew Kongol should not have eaten that...
Dart: _
************************************************************************
*In Don Corneo's Mansion*
Random Henchman Dude: Here comes the Don!
Shana: *has been pried off Dart's leg and superglued to the floor* O_O
Rose: That is... just... SICK.
Emilie: Daddy?
King Zior: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Striker: *thwaps him* Stick to the script, Tubby!
************************************************************************
*In Don Corneo's bedroom*
Lloyd: *suddenly bursts through the wall* Kill Dart... KILL DART!
Dart: *puts on innocent face* I don't think that's what you really want, Lloyd. Wouldn't you rather dance with the Care Bears around a magical rainbow and give happy hugs to all of the bad old meanies?
All minus Lloyd: *trying very hard not to crack up*
Lloyd: *eye twitch*
*The warm fuzzy Lloyd-taunting is cut short as the set suddenly bursts into flame*
Striker: -_- Dart, may I see your bottle of lighter fluid?
Dart: Eheh... why would you want to see that?
Striker: Hand it over.
Dart: *reluctantly hands over the bottle*
Striker: *turns the bottle upside down* It's empty. OK, Dart. I'll make you a deal. I won't chase you down and beat you into the ground if you tell me how you managed to get a delayed reaction on the ignition.
Dart: Oh, that's easy. I just lit a long train of matches before the scene started, leading to the set which I doused in the lighter fluid. Simple, really.
Striker: O_o Brilliant. Simple AND ingenious. *writes that one down for future adventures in pyromania* OK, seeing as our set has been burned down, I guess we're done for the day. Take five.
Author's Note: OK, I know that chapter wasn't as funny as the last one. Freefall, I think every humor fic now has Doel with a burning hatred of cattle. You've managed to forever imprint a character trait on Doel in humor fics. Congratulations. You must be proud.
Chapter 3
*Everyone is back on the set, already in costume. True to the transpiring events of last chapter, Striker has stuck Lloyd's cape in a shredder. The Wingly is trying desperately to get himself free*
Lloyd: *pulling on cape* No! I don't want to be shredded! I'm too pretty to die!
Lavitz: Do you think he'll figure out that he can just take off his cape?
Striker: I hope not. I'm filming this for future blackmail. *indicates camcorder in hand*
Dart: *takes advantage of Lloyd's preoccupation to sneak up behind him and give him a wedgie* Weedog! You're riding high now, cowboy! *realizes that Lloyd is wearing Care Bear underwear* (That rhymed! Care Bear underwear! Heh.) O_O *falls over laughing*
Lloyd: _ *mutters* I knew I shouldn't have worn that pair today...
Striker: *laughing his head off*
Lloyd: *finally realizes that his cape has been almost completely shredded* O_O I don't wanna die! Don't shred me, evil spinny thing!
Albert: -_- *turns off shredder*
Striker, Dart, and Lavitz: Aw, COME ON!
Albert: We have no time for this. Unclasp your cape, Lloyd.
Lloyd: *blink blink* I can take this off? *unclasps what's left of his cape* YAY! I am free to live the rest of my pretty life!
Dart: I can't believe you did that. You are such a spoilsport.
Albert: *sniff, sniff* Is something burning?
Dart: *slips lighter back into pocket*
Striker: All right, let's get down to business.
Albert: *suddenly notices his cape is on fire... again* DART! *runs off to douse himself... again*
Dart: I never get tired of that.
Striker: Yeah, yeah. Let's get going.
*A few minutes later, they are filming the train scene. The alarm goes off as normal, but then the train lurches and stops.*
Striker: What the hell?
Dart: I swear, I didn't do it this time!
Lloyd: *slices a hole in the roof of the train with the Masamune* HAHAHAHA! I shall take my revenge for my poor undies! You shall all die, pathetic ugly people!
Rose: I'm gonna...
Dart: Let me handle this. *puts on fake look of surprise* Lloyd, LOOK! It's a GIANT MIRROR!
Lloyd: O_O WHERE? Must admire myself! *whips around*
Dart: *beans him on the head with Cloud's sword*
Lloyd: X_x *falls over*
Dart: Problem solved.
Striker: *sighs* At least he's not in any scenes any time soon... OK, let's try that again.
*Train scene proceeds as normal, as do all following scenes until they reach the catwalk where President Shinra is SUPPOSED (key word) to appear in his helicopter and sic the Air Buster on the trio.*
Dart: *arrives at catwalk, Rose and Kongol behind* Where's the helicopter?
Striker: I don't know. Doel must have missed his cue.
Rose: You cast Doel as President Shinra? But he's already Biggs!
Striker: Tight casting. Sue me.
*Suddenly, a herd of cows comes stampeding down the walkway, and Dart, Rose, and Kongol are nearly trampled to death*
Doel: *comes flying in inside the helicopter, firing the machine gun madly* Kill cows, KILL COWS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Striker: CUT! Where the hell did you find a herd of cows to chase here?
Doel: KILL ALL COWS!
Cow: Moo.
Doel: I missed one! *blows several bloody holes in the last surviving cow* Now you're gonna be shipped off to the slaughterhouse and get turned into hamburger meat! *starts laughing maniacally*
Striker: Note to self: Never, EVER give Doel a helicopter with a machine gun again. Emphasis on EVER.
************************************************************************
*Later, during the fight with Air Buster...*
Dart: *throws Air Buster off the walkway* *dusts hands off* OK, he's history, what now?
Striker: -_- You have to actually FIGHT that.
Dart: Why?
Striker: Because in video games they always overlook extremely simple solutions that should work but don't. Besides, we need a flashy fight scene here for the movie, and the robot needs to explode so you can fall off the walkway.
Dart: *sigh* Fine.
*Fight with Air Buster goes as normal, robot explodes, Dart/Cloud falls off walkway and lands in Aeris's church, yatta, yatta, yatta...*
Dart: *rubbing his rear end* You think you could make that landing a little softer?
Shana: *walks in* *gasp* DART! *clings to his leg* ^_^
Kanzas: *is in Reno's costume* I can't believe I got forced into this... *sees Shana glomped onto Dart's leg* O_o What the hell is that?
Dart: Just act like she's standing next to me. *is obviously used to this by now*
Kanzas: How do you know that... THING is a she? What if it's a brain- sucking parasitic alien from another dimension?
Dart: To be honest, I haven't really totalled ruled out that possibility yet...
Striker: I am not seeing ANY of this in the script, people!
************************************************************************
*In Aeris's house in Sector 5*
Claire: *dressed as Elmyra* Dart?
Dart: Hi, Mom.
Claire: Isn't Shana supposed to be here too?
Dart: *sticks out leg*
Claire: Ah.
Haschel: O_O CLAIRE! *heart attack* *dies*
Striker: -_- *sigh*
************************************************************************
*In the Wall Market*
Dart: No.
Striker: You have to.
Dart: No, I don't.
Striker: Come on.
Dart: I WILL NOT DRESS UP AS A WOMAN!
Striker: *sigh* Tell you what, Dart, if you do this, I might have an early Christmas present for you... *holds up jug of lighter fluid*
Dart: O_O Well, in that case...
Rose: I cannot believe you actually managed to get him to agree to publicly humiliate himself.
Striker: Lesson 1: Pyromaniacs will do ANYTHING to get any highly flammable objects they cannot obtain themselves. I know from personal experience.
************************************************************************
Kongol: *inside bathroom in bar* Ooooooh... Kongol knew Kongol should not have eaten that...
Dart: _
************************************************************************
*In Don Corneo's Mansion*
Random Henchman Dude: Here comes the Don!
Shana: *has been pried off Dart's leg and superglued to the floor* O_O
Rose: That is... just... SICK.
Emilie: Daddy?
King Zior: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Striker: *thwaps him* Stick to the script, Tubby!
************************************************************************
*In Don Corneo's bedroom*
Lloyd: *suddenly bursts through the wall* Kill Dart... KILL DART!
Dart: *puts on innocent face* I don't think that's what you really want, Lloyd. Wouldn't you rather dance with the Care Bears around a magical rainbow and give happy hugs to all of the bad old meanies?
All minus Lloyd: *trying very hard not to crack up*
Lloyd: *eye twitch*
*The warm fuzzy Lloyd-taunting is cut short as the set suddenly bursts into flame*
Striker: -_- Dart, may I see your bottle of lighter fluid?
Dart: Eheh... why would you want to see that?
Striker: Hand it over.
Dart: *reluctantly hands over the bottle*
Striker: *turns the bottle upside down* It's empty. OK, Dart. I'll make you a deal. I won't chase you down and beat you into the ground if you tell me how you managed to get a delayed reaction on the ignition.
Dart: Oh, that's easy. I just lit a long train of matches before the scene started, leading to the set which I doused in the lighter fluid. Simple, really.
Striker: O_o Brilliant. Simple AND ingenious. *writes that one down for future adventures in pyromania* OK, seeing as our set has been burned down, I guess we're done for the day. Take five.
Author's Note: OK, I know that chapter wasn't as funny as the last one. Freefall, I think every humor fic now has Doel with a burning hatred of cattle. You've managed to forever imprint a character trait on Doel in humor fics. Congratulations. You must be proud.