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Chapter 3 –The Right Thing
Gripping onto the satin sides of my perfect wedding dress, I walk, faltering on the ivory heels, down the hallway to Matthew's room. What am I going to say to him? My mind becomes dizzy and clouded, I can't do this. I forget about Francie frantically yelling at me down the hall. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and see Vaughn's brilliant green eyes staring at me in my mind, pleading. I poise my hand at the door, ready to knock, ready to tell him the truth and leave and then it falls gracefully down to my side, swishing past the delicate fabric along with tears. My heart is tearing away at the tight seams. I can't do this to him, I can't. I take a gasp of air, but can't hold onto it, it slips through my hoarse throat leaving me breathless.
No matter how much I want to, I can't. Coming back to my senses, I turn around; ready to walk back to what I am supposed to be doing, not what I want to. How can I be so incredibly foolish? Gilding my hand over the smooth finish of the oak banister, grasping back onto reality, I hear a faint sound, a door opening behind me. I turn my head, aware of the near sound crystal-clear in my ears.
"Sydney?" I heard his voice, clear and confused, and I could hear his soft steps approaching me.
"Yeah," I try to hide the tears and force of smile, not looking at his face. Before I know it, I feel his hands slightly touch my arms; I feel nothing and more tears of regret begin to fall.
"Syd, what's the matter are you okay?" He pulls me into his arms, rubbing my back tenderly, but I don't feel anything. Nothing. Pulling apart quickly, I rid my eyes of any sorrow and finally look up into his face.
The first thing my misty eyes fall on are his eyes, blue faded, not a sparkling green. He is gorgeous, looking at me with such love and concern yet I feel nothing more for him except than a friend. My head spins and I feel faint, causing me to reach out my shaky hand for the sturdy banister once again. I'm torn in two. I'm torn between a lie that seems perfect and right and the truth that could hurt so many people, including me. I want to live a normal life free of spying and murder yet I am sick of all the twisted and tormented lies.
"Matthew, I I'm sorry, I really am, but I just can't I can't do this." I can't look at him afraid I'll see hurt which I created, I stare down to the first floor, surveying all the busy people working to make this wedding that will never happen beautiful. A woman is carrying my bouquet, full of dusty pink and white frosted roses, to the far room while a man is setting up a guest book atop a pedestal adorned with wreaths of greens and pastel flowers at the front door. Perfect. I wait for a response, nothing, just gurgled attempts at trying to make sense of my decision.
I could hear his heart breaking and for a split second I wanted to pull him in my arms and tell him that I was making it up, a sick joke that he can make fun of me for. Picking at the fine wood, I debate in my head if I should tell him why. If I should tell him the truth about me and about Vaughn. Before I have the chance to make up my circling mind, he finally responds, broken and distant.
"Why?" Why, that is easy to answer, I love another man who doesn't love me that I met through the CIA while I was a double agent. I laugh another out of place laugh from my reeling thoughts tumbling inside my confused mind that gets a very puzzled look from the man I just hurt. I could feel his eyes burning a hole through my brain trying to pull it out of me before I spoke.
"Listen, you don't know me, you know me but you know a lie. You think that I have been a college student and a banker for the past couple of years. Yes I have been a college student, but I never was a banker." I look at him, his face distorted and confused trying to comprehend the truth behind all of the lies and secrets. He stood still and silent waiting to hear the rest.
"The bank where I worked was a front for an organization called SD-6, you heard about it on the news a year ago…" He jumped in on this, remembering what happened.
"Wait, you worked for SD-6, against the United States government?" He was bewildered and stunned; tears began to form at the corners of his blue eyes.
"No, no I did for seven years, before I knew the truth. When I had signed on with SD-6 they told me it was a black-ops division of the CIA. After my first fiancé was murdered by SD-6, I found out the truth. I went to the CIA and was a double agent for three years." I can't believe I just told him, that I told him that I was a lie to him; he stood there out of it staring off into nothing.
"You were engaged once before me?" I could see him trying to figure out the mystery behind my past, but I didn't see the worry lines of Vaughn and knew sooner or later he had to know about Vaughn. We were separated by a thick sheet of lies, quickly unraveling that only grew deeper.
"Yes, but I told him that I worked for the CIA and SD-6 had him killed, that is why I could never tell you."
"But didn't they go down a year ago, why didn't you tell me then?" He was dissecting this faster than I had hoped he would.
"I I don't know," I began to cry again, I can't tell him about Vaughn but I have to, "because I wanted you to not be disappointed in me or mad at me … and there is more that I need to tell you." My vision dimmed by the amounting tears breaking free.
"There is more? Because honestly I don't care if you were a spy for seven years I will just be cautious when we get in a fight. Just as long as you were not a lie." His features in astonishment, afraid of what else I might reveal to him. His humor made it harder for me to tell him the real truth. I turned my head away from him once again and got up the nerve to tell him.
"No, I was always my self, just lying about my job. Thanks, but that is not all. While I was at the CIA, before I met you, my contact or handler, a person you go to to receive your counter missions, I .. he…" My mouth just hung open, I can't tell him. I try to move my mouth into words that make sense, but I can't even get out a sound. But I didn't have to; Matthew spoke instead, apparent hurt visible through his whispered words.
"I understand." Tears fighting their way through, scratching his throat.
"I'm sorry, I really am. I had forgotten about him, then he showed up here today and .. and I'm sorry.. and I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm sorry," I look into his severely hurt eyes and expect him to yell at me or say something, but he doesn't. He remains still. I can feel his anger brimming up through his tear-filled eyes; I turn silently around muttering I'm sorry.
Walking down the decorated hall for a wedding that won't occur I hear him stagger back to his room. I hear him slam the door shut, causing me to stop in my tracks sobbing from the realization of the hurt I have caused him. Seconds later, I hear a huge thud coming from the room and can't believe what I have done. Regaining control of my legs, I walk back to my room to grab a pair of keys to go find the man I should be wearing this dress for. I fumble around the room, tripping on the long train that won't be heading down the aisle today.
Wiping away the tears, I pick up my keys and cell phone, ready to tell him the truth. Even if he doesn't love me, he has to know. My heart is pounding from my intentions and the amounting questions ringing in my ears. But I can't turn down the biggest question that is being screamed at me, Am I doing the right thing?
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