Welcome back peoples! What, no reviews *cries great salty tears* I am soo
sad and depressed, I better get some reviews! Depression makes me violent
*waves sharp knife*. None of the LOTR characters are mine, they are
somebody elses's, and if you don't know who, I'm not telling *sticks tounge
out* Sandy is mine *nudges Sandy, who waves* and Missy, her psychotic cat
*Miaw, HHHIIIISSSS*. Evil cat. *Cringes as Sandy and Missy attack me* No,
no what am I saying, beautiful cat! Beautiful cat! *dabs antiseptic on
scratches* Well, anyway I refuse to let Sandy fall in love with any of the
characters, or any of them with her. She is not a blinking mary sue, k? But
I am!! lol. She is not stunningly beautiful *cringes*, nor especially
proficent with weapons. She is just an ordinary girl, with an ordinary life
who is brought into Middle Earth by one of Gandalf's spell stuff ups.
Stupid old man, he's senile now. *dances around oddly* Sugar, oh, sugar! I
love sugar! Hooray for sugar and the crazy things it makes me do! Any way,
back to the story. Note, words in * * is Missy's thoughts. That cat scares
me.
Having just been plucked out of my bedroom, and incidentally my entire world, I start to scream "AAAAAHHHH! RAPE!!RAPE!!!HELP, HELP, I'M BEING SEXUALLY HARRASSED!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!" Then I consider what the voice said, "Gandalf?! I'm not a mary sue, and you can't make me be one! I'm not a ####ing mary sue! I"M NOT A ####ING MARY SUE!!!"
"Excuse, but what's a mary sue?" says a confused voice.
"Gandalf you promised us a warrior, to aid in our quest. This is not a warrior. This is a screaming human girl. Where is the warrior?" a very cool and sardonic voice asks. Missy decides that enough is enough and attacks the cool and sardonic voice. She's so protective and so cute, the brave little darling! "What the #### is this thing?! Get it off, get it off!" From what I can see and hear in the darkness, the owner of the cool and sardonic voice is now in great pain. I laugh at the person. Then it raises a hand which has something metal in it.
I jump off the bed yelling "Don't you dare hurt Missy!" I reach the figure and start to detach my cat, who is happily gnawing at the guy's ankle, who has blond hair. I groan mentally, it would have to be Legolas, wouldn't it? Stupid Elf. "You're a beautiful girl, Missy, but let go now. I think he wants to keep that foot, and if I am where I think I am, he needs the foot. Let go." I yerk her off his foot. Missy licks her lips and vibrates with fury.
*Elf blood tastes good! Better then human blood, sweeeettt bllllooooddd. More, let me at that Elf! Please oh please oh please say it's all right to get him, please Sandyhuman*
"Sorry, she's very protective. Plays hell with boyfriends, I can tell you." Looking around, I can see eight other people besides blondie, two hot guys, an old guy, a really hairy short guy and four really short guys. Yep, you guessed it Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli and the Hobbits. Hobbits, yay!
"What is that thing?! Look what it did to my ankle! Lucky I'm an Elf, or I'd be scarred for life." Legolas is looking at my cat which I am attempting to calm.
*Blood, must have blood...so good, gimme, gimme, gimme! Sandyhuman, please!* Missy continues to stare fixedly at Legolas' ankle area.
"As I said before," He says turning to Gandalf," I thought you knew what the #### you were doing!"
"This is my cat, Missy. She's a gorgeus baby girl. Aren't you precious? Yes you are, yes you are!"
The Fellowship: o.0
"Well, I'd like to know what I'm doing here too, ya know!"
One of the hot guys steps forward to speak for Gandalf, who is now giggling quietly. "I am Boromir, and Gandalf said he knew a spell that would bring a warrior from another world to assist us in our quest to destroy the One Ring. Unfortunately," Boromir frowns at Gandalf, "Gandalf has been smoking the Hobbits' pipeweed. And he failed spectacularily, as you can attest." The Hobbits scuff their feet and look at the ground. Gandalf is still giggling.
"Ye can't blame it all on us! He had a stash of his own! And by the way, I'm Peregrin Took, but ye can call me Pippin." One of the Hobbits steps forwards. He's a hot guy in mini! Oh my god, mary sue thoughts! Help me, help me! I start banging my head against the ground. "Here, are you all right? Please stop!"
I sit up groggily and explain, "In my world all you people are characters in a series of books called the Lord of the Rings. People like to hijack the characters and settings and write their own stories. Unfortunately, we happen to be trapped in a particularily hideous brand of fan fiction, the Mary Sue stories. In this, a girl, from Middle Earth or my world, falls in love with a character, and the character also falls in love with her." I shudder at the thought, "I was having mary sue thoughts about Pippin, thinking that he was really attractive. Sorry Pippin, but Hobbit Human relationships probably don't work well. So the influence of pain helped stop those horrible thoughts." During my head banging session, I let go of Missy who leaps gleefully back on Legolas' ankle.
"Get this thing off me!! AAAAHHH!" I rescue Legolas again. Honestly, he's a lot braver in the books and the movie. Gimli snickers.
"Serve you right, you bloody Elf! Ahhh, save me, save me, I'm an Elf being savaged by a girl's pet cat."
"Gimli! Welcome, lady, I am Aragorn, also known as Strider." The other hot guy steps forward. Aaaaahhhhh, mary sue thoughts! At least I'm not attracted to Legolas or the other Hobbits yet. I bang my head against the ground again, then stand up woozily, holding Missy so she can't try and eat Legolas again."Let me guess, mary sue thoughts?"
"Just be thankful none of you are attracted to Legolas. That's another common plot ploy. And which Hobbit is Samwise Gamgee?" Legolas looks around at the rest of the company and edges away, clutching at his ankle. A Hobbit steps forward looking confused. "If you ever, ever have thoughts about Frodo in THAT way, tell him, then run far, far away." Another Hobbit looks at him startled, and also edges away. "I can tell you the more common slash fantasies, most involve Legolas. Now I'm here in the flesh, I don't understand why." I say looking at Legolas, who looks relieved, but insulted at the same time. "Let me think, Aragorn and Legolas, Legolas and Haldir, Legolas and Boromir, Legolas and Gimli," At this set of relationships, they both look frightened, "Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Frodo, Legolas, Arwen, Boromir and Aragorn, Celeborn and Elrond, Elrond and Haldir I read once, Legolas and Orcs, Legolas and numerous beautiful girls," Legolas preens at the last one, "Aragorn and mary sues, Boromir and mary sues, Legolas and a wizard like Gandalf, but an evil one so it was non-con," They look confused, "Non consensual, rape, get it?" Legolas looks disgusted. "Merry and Pip, Merry and Estelle, Pip and Diamond, ummm, Galadriel and Elrond, Galadriel and Legolas, and once the twins of Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir together, and and so on and so forth." By now most of the Fellowship looks sick to their stomach.
"And guess what Elf boy?" I say grinning evilly at Legolas, "Many of the relationships you're in are non-con! Aragorn rape slash, Boromir rape slash, once it was Haldir and several other Elves of Lothlorien rape slash, Orc rape slash, and so forth. But the one I read with Gimli it was a very willing relationship!" I laugh evilly at the look of horror that passes between the two. Legolas looks like he's about to faint. Oh, I'm not so evil. I decide to set their minds at rest. "But in my world Legolas, you are a spunk that all the girls wish they could screw. And so are Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin. Sorry, Sam. Boromir, yeah, him too. But never Gimli and never ever Gandalf. Any Elf basically, if they could get into my world, would have a bevy of girls and guys panting after them, you could spend the rest of your immortal life bouncing from one bed to the other if you wanted, Legolas."
By now all the members of the fellowship are standing uneasily apart from one another. Boromir coughs, and says "But none of us think about men that way."
Aragorn steps forward frowning, "And I am loyal to Lady Arwen."
I roll my eyes "That's not the point! These people act out their fantasies through you guys. Heck, I once read a Gollum fanfic where a mary sue ####ed Gollum. And that is sick! I mean really, Gollum?!" The Fellowship nod in agreement. "So basically, I'll try to resist the mary sue thoughts, and you guys try real hard too, or you might end up minus some very valuble equipment." They instinctively shield their groins. "I won't do it, but Missy might."
Gandalf stands up and giggling says "Well, let's try again!"
"NNNNOOOOOO!!!!" We all make a collective rush for Gandalf, but fail to do it before the white mist and the sense of disorientation closes in....
Bwwwaaaahhhahhhahhha! Let's all rubbish mary sue fics! Legolas scares too easily, but that cat is insane! Go the cat! I repeat, I will have no slash scenes, they are bad. Also no explicit sex, at least I hope not, I don't plan to. Go Sandy, let's scare the Fellowship out of their tiny minds at the thought of the possible relationships. *Repeat evil laughter*. Where do they end up at the institgation of the stoned wizard? Where can I get some of that Hobbit pipeweed? Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode!
Having just been plucked out of my bedroom, and incidentally my entire world, I start to scream "AAAAAHHHH! RAPE!!RAPE!!!HELP, HELP, I'M BEING SEXUALLY HARRASSED!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!" Then I consider what the voice said, "Gandalf?! I'm not a mary sue, and you can't make me be one! I'm not a ####ing mary sue! I"M NOT A ####ING MARY SUE!!!"
"Excuse, but what's a mary sue?" says a confused voice.
"Gandalf you promised us a warrior, to aid in our quest. This is not a warrior. This is a screaming human girl. Where is the warrior?" a very cool and sardonic voice asks. Missy decides that enough is enough and attacks the cool and sardonic voice. She's so protective and so cute, the brave little darling! "What the #### is this thing?! Get it off, get it off!" From what I can see and hear in the darkness, the owner of the cool and sardonic voice is now in great pain. I laugh at the person. Then it raises a hand which has something metal in it.
I jump off the bed yelling "Don't you dare hurt Missy!" I reach the figure and start to detach my cat, who is happily gnawing at the guy's ankle, who has blond hair. I groan mentally, it would have to be Legolas, wouldn't it? Stupid Elf. "You're a beautiful girl, Missy, but let go now. I think he wants to keep that foot, and if I am where I think I am, he needs the foot. Let go." I yerk her off his foot. Missy licks her lips and vibrates with fury.
*Elf blood tastes good! Better then human blood, sweeeettt bllllooooddd. More, let me at that Elf! Please oh please oh please say it's all right to get him, please Sandyhuman*
"Sorry, she's very protective. Plays hell with boyfriends, I can tell you." Looking around, I can see eight other people besides blondie, two hot guys, an old guy, a really hairy short guy and four really short guys. Yep, you guessed it Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli and the Hobbits. Hobbits, yay!
"What is that thing?! Look what it did to my ankle! Lucky I'm an Elf, or I'd be scarred for life." Legolas is looking at my cat which I am attempting to calm.
*Blood, must have blood...so good, gimme, gimme, gimme! Sandyhuman, please!* Missy continues to stare fixedly at Legolas' ankle area.
"As I said before," He says turning to Gandalf," I thought you knew what the #### you were doing!"
"This is my cat, Missy. She's a gorgeus baby girl. Aren't you precious? Yes you are, yes you are!"
The Fellowship: o.0
"Well, I'd like to know what I'm doing here too, ya know!"
One of the hot guys steps forward to speak for Gandalf, who is now giggling quietly. "I am Boromir, and Gandalf said he knew a spell that would bring a warrior from another world to assist us in our quest to destroy the One Ring. Unfortunately," Boromir frowns at Gandalf, "Gandalf has been smoking the Hobbits' pipeweed. And he failed spectacularily, as you can attest." The Hobbits scuff their feet and look at the ground. Gandalf is still giggling.
"Ye can't blame it all on us! He had a stash of his own! And by the way, I'm Peregrin Took, but ye can call me Pippin." One of the Hobbits steps forwards. He's a hot guy in mini! Oh my god, mary sue thoughts! Help me, help me! I start banging my head against the ground. "Here, are you all right? Please stop!"
I sit up groggily and explain, "In my world all you people are characters in a series of books called the Lord of the Rings. People like to hijack the characters and settings and write their own stories. Unfortunately, we happen to be trapped in a particularily hideous brand of fan fiction, the Mary Sue stories. In this, a girl, from Middle Earth or my world, falls in love with a character, and the character also falls in love with her." I shudder at the thought, "I was having mary sue thoughts about Pippin, thinking that he was really attractive. Sorry Pippin, but Hobbit Human relationships probably don't work well. So the influence of pain helped stop those horrible thoughts." During my head banging session, I let go of Missy who leaps gleefully back on Legolas' ankle.
"Get this thing off me!! AAAAHHH!" I rescue Legolas again. Honestly, he's a lot braver in the books and the movie. Gimli snickers.
"Serve you right, you bloody Elf! Ahhh, save me, save me, I'm an Elf being savaged by a girl's pet cat."
"Gimli! Welcome, lady, I am Aragorn, also known as Strider." The other hot guy steps forward. Aaaaahhhhh, mary sue thoughts! At least I'm not attracted to Legolas or the other Hobbits yet. I bang my head against the ground again, then stand up woozily, holding Missy so she can't try and eat Legolas again."Let me guess, mary sue thoughts?"
"Just be thankful none of you are attracted to Legolas. That's another common plot ploy. And which Hobbit is Samwise Gamgee?" Legolas looks around at the rest of the company and edges away, clutching at his ankle. A Hobbit steps forward looking confused. "If you ever, ever have thoughts about Frodo in THAT way, tell him, then run far, far away." Another Hobbit looks at him startled, and also edges away. "I can tell you the more common slash fantasies, most involve Legolas. Now I'm here in the flesh, I don't understand why." I say looking at Legolas, who looks relieved, but insulted at the same time. "Let me think, Aragorn and Legolas, Legolas and Haldir, Legolas and Boromir, Legolas and Gimli," At this set of relationships, they both look frightened, "Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Frodo, Legolas, Arwen, Boromir and Aragorn, Celeborn and Elrond, Elrond and Haldir I read once, Legolas and Orcs, Legolas and numerous beautiful girls," Legolas preens at the last one, "Aragorn and mary sues, Boromir and mary sues, Legolas and a wizard like Gandalf, but an evil one so it was non-con," They look confused, "Non consensual, rape, get it?" Legolas looks disgusted. "Merry and Pip, Merry and Estelle, Pip and Diamond, ummm, Galadriel and Elrond, Galadriel and Legolas, and once the twins of Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir together, and and so on and so forth." By now most of the Fellowship looks sick to their stomach.
"And guess what Elf boy?" I say grinning evilly at Legolas, "Many of the relationships you're in are non-con! Aragorn rape slash, Boromir rape slash, once it was Haldir and several other Elves of Lothlorien rape slash, Orc rape slash, and so forth. But the one I read with Gimli it was a very willing relationship!" I laugh evilly at the look of horror that passes between the two. Legolas looks like he's about to faint. Oh, I'm not so evil. I decide to set their minds at rest. "But in my world Legolas, you are a spunk that all the girls wish they could screw. And so are Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin. Sorry, Sam. Boromir, yeah, him too. But never Gimli and never ever Gandalf. Any Elf basically, if they could get into my world, would have a bevy of girls and guys panting after them, you could spend the rest of your immortal life bouncing from one bed to the other if you wanted, Legolas."
By now all the members of the fellowship are standing uneasily apart from one another. Boromir coughs, and says "But none of us think about men that way."
Aragorn steps forward frowning, "And I am loyal to Lady Arwen."
I roll my eyes "That's not the point! These people act out their fantasies through you guys. Heck, I once read a Gollum fanfic where a mary sue ####ed Gollum. And that is sick! I mean really, Gollum?!" The Fellowship nod in agreement. "So basically, I'll try to resist the mary sue thoughts, and you guys try real hard too, or you might end up minus some very valuble equipment." They instinctively shield their groins. "I won't do it, but Missy might."
Gandalf stands up and giggling says "Well, let's try again!"
"NNNNOOOOOO!!!!" We all make a collective rush for Gandalf, but fail to do it before the white mist and the sense of disorientation closes in....
Bwwwaaaahhhahhhahhha! Let's all rubbish mary sue fics! Legolas scares too easily, but that cat is insane! Go the cat! I repeat, I will have no slash scenes, they are bad. Also no explicit sex, at least I hope not, I don't plan to. Go Sandy, let's scare the Fellowship out of their tiny minds at the thought of the possible relationships. *Repeat evil laughter*. Where do they end up at the institgation of the stoned wizard? Where can I get some of that Hobbit pipeweed? Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode!