Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. But if someone out there does own
Heero, just name your price!
All Because of a Blood Test
"Okay, we'll be over in about an hour." Quatre hung up the phone and let out a whoop of joy, "Yeah! The results are in! The results are in!" He did a little victory dance. He looked like a discombobulated chicken doing the bunny hop. When he had finished, he went to find his fellow pilots.
"Guys!" he shouted, "Come on! The blood test results are in!"
Thunder sounded through the halls as the boys raced from all wings of the Winner Mansion and jumped into the car. Quatre was last out and climbed into the driver's seat. He pulled onto the road and went under the speed limit, for safety. So, as they crawled along at 12 mph, the other boys became very irritated.
"Go faster!"
"Hurry up!"
"INJUSTICE!"
"Floor it!"
"GO!"
Finally, the very irate Heero climbed up front, shoved Quatre into the passenger seat with Trowa and stepped on the gas.
"Come on Heero, put the pedal to the metal!" Dou whined.
"If I push any harder the frickin' pedal is going to go through the floor!"
They zoomed to the hospital at 500 mph and made it there in two minutes flat. They rushed to the waiting room and found that they would have to wait because their doctor was with another patient. Trowa, Quatre, and Heero sat down to wait, while Duo began to pace, hands in pockets, and Wufei began a tremendously long and boring speech about how weak and unjust waiting is, and how, of course, Nataku would never wait, because it was weak and unjust.
Finally the doctor came and got them, saving everyone from being brainwashed by the Wu-man. She led them into a room and left to find her clipboard. Quatre and Trowa sat on the examining table, Wufei and Heero sat in normal chairs, and Duo sat in the doc's spinning chair with wheels and kept twirling around, braid flying out to whack everyone, until he got sick and threw up in the garbage can.
When the doctor came back in, Quatre, Trowa, and Duo were crammed onto the examining table, Quatre struggling to stay on the edge. She sat down in her chair and began.
"O.K., all of you are clear of disease, except for Mr..Woofee? Who has an unknown disease."
"INJUSTICE! YOU ONNA! AND IT'S WUFEI!" a certain justice freak screamed.
Clearing her throat, she went on, "We would like Mr. Wufei to come in on Friday for study of his symptoms and to draw more blood for analysis." She began flipping through her papers, "Hang on, let me find the DNA results."
All were still and watched, except for Duo. He tapped his fingers, rolled his eyes and hummed.
Finally, the doctor found the paper she had been searching for and clipped it to the top of her clipboard.
"All right, I've got some surprising news for you. Mr.'s Trowa Barton and Quatre. Wiener? You are brothers."
Quatre finally fell off the edge of the table. He hurriedly stood up, "No! No! No! No! Please, let it be anyone but Trowa! I love him!"
All the guys' eyes grew as they stared at the two weirdoes grab each other's hands as the doctor continued, "You may want to sit back down. I've got more news. Mr. Wiener-"
"It's Winner." Quatre told her.
"Sorry, Mr. Winner is a female."
Duo fainted, much to the relief to everyone, as Quatre announced that he err. she already knew that.
"My father already told me. He had me get a sex change when I was born, he couldn't stand the thought of having another daughter. So, I'm actually your sister, Trowa."
Now Trowa fainted. Quatre just stood at the end of the table blushing.
"ONNA!" Wufei screamed, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! YOU ONNA! IT IS INJUSTICE, YOU ACTING LIKE A MAN! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A WEAKLING! ONNA! ONNA! ONNA! ONNA!"
Finally, Wufei fainted as Quatre sat down and burst into tears, as Trowa and Duo woke up.
Yet the doctor continued, "Mr. Maxwell, your DNA shows that your hair will stop growing and begin to fall out in five months."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Duo screamed.
(Duo's thoughts) I'll have to stock up on Rogaine.
The doctor started again, "Mr. Wufei, you have a genetic disorder and will soon lose the powers of speech."
"INJSUTICE!" screeched Wufei who had been woken by Dou's scream. "WEAKLING! ONNA! NATAKU! INJUSTICE! WEAKLING! ONN-"
Heero punched him in the chest, and Wufei was winded, causing him to stop, mid-insult.
"Heero Yuy," the doctor said, "Your genes are perfect except for a single flaw."
"I don't want to know what it is."
"Why?"
"Look at these other guys and what has happened to them with your news."
The doctor looked about the room. Quatre sat in a corner, crying. Trowa was still in shock that his lover was his sister. Duo was petting his braid and murmuring to it. Wufei was clutching his chest and gasping for air.
"I see. Oh well. Since you are the only sane one here, I suggest you drive them home and call this number. He's one of the best psychiatrists in the country."
Heero nodded, taking the number, knowing very well he wouldn't call it. He was just going to call someone else to come get this bunch.
Heero stuffed all four of them in the back seat and drove back to Quatre's Mansion. When they got there, Quatre ran to his, her, bedroom, still sobbing. Trowa was still in shock and just sat in the car, staring. Duo ran to the bathroom to grab a brush and kept brushing his hair, braiding it, unbraiding it, brushing it, braiding it, unbraiding it, etc. Wufei went in and sat down, still gasping for air.
Heero just went to the phone and dialed for the operator.
"Operator, how may I help you?" Came the nasally voice out of the earpiece.
"Yes, can I have the number for the nearest asylum?"
"876-543-2109."
"Thank you."
He hung up the phone and dialed the number.
"Hello, Happyfields Sanitarium. How may I help you?"
"Yes, I've got four kooks here. I'd like someone to come and pick them up."
"Are they dangerous?"
"Yes."
"How dangerous?"
"Well. Two probably have guns and one is carrying a katana, I'm not sure about the other."
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Two have guns. One has a katana. One I am not sure."
"Sir? What in the heck is a katana?"
Heero sighed, "It's like a big knife."
"Oh. O.K., what is the address?"
Heero gave the address and hung up. Then he went outside to wait for the guys with the straightjackets to come.
When the four white vans with the Happyfields logo (a smiley-faced sun over a field of flowers) pulled up, Heero led them inside to get the other pilots. He let them get the Wu-man first, because Heero thought he'd be the hardest. He was sitting in the living room, watching the president of the United States give a speech.
He had unfortunately gotten his breath back and was now screaming at Bush. "OH, COME ON! THIS IS INJUSTICE! YOU FREAKING BAKA! WEAKLING! BAKA! OH, THE INJUSTICE! YOU DAMN WEAKLING! YOU CAN'T EVEN PROTECT YOURSELF! LOOK AT THOSE F****** BODYGUARDS! I COULD ASSASSINATE YOU! YOU- HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!"
The men had seized him and were attempting to get him into the straightjacket. He pulled out his katana from hammer space and the men backed up.
"Hey, Wu-man!" Heero called.
Wufei turned to look at him, letting down his guard for a moment. A moment was all they needed. They swiped away the large knife and shoved him into the straightjacket. They shoved him into the padded back of the van and locked him in.
Next was Duo. They discovered that he was still in the bathroom, brushing his hair.
"I won't let you fall out." He said to his braid, "I will not be without hair! I love you. I won't let you leave me."
They wrestled the brush away from him and stuffed his arms into the coat.
Then, they proceeded and stuck Trowa into one of the two remaining jackets. He did not fight them, because he was still in shock.
After they lifted him into a van, Heero led them up to Quatre's room. He.No, she was face down on the bed, crying her eyes out, as she had been for the past hour. They actually had trouble with her. She was the one Heero thought that they wouldn't need to worry about, but she ran all over the house, everyone trying to catch her. They ran up the stairs and down the stairs, through the halls and all over the vast estate. Finally, Heero caught her and they thrust her into the straightjacket. When they loaded her into the remaining van, the men thanked Heero and drove off.
Now Heero had the whole mansion to himself. He did what ever he wanted, but after a week, he was getting a bit bored, so he went to visit the other pilots in the sanitarium.
He went into visit Duo first. He was sitting in a corner of the white padded room, still wrapped in the straightjacket. At the first sight of him looking so stupid, Heero burst out laughing. Duo just glared at him with his own version of the Yuy death glare. Trust me, it was not nearly as scary. Duo pushed himself up with his legs and came over. His braid had been chopped off. This just made Heero laugh even more.
After he had wiped the tears from his eyes, he asked him what had happened to it.
"I whipped one of the shrinks with it. They said that they would let me grow it back if I would put it up so it couldn't be used as a weapon."
"Oh, well, see ya."
"Wait, Heero! Where are you going?!"
"I have to visit the other guys while I'm here."
"They're here too?!"
"Yeah."
"I haven't seen them."
"And I doubt you ever will."
He turned again to leave.
"Wait! You've gotta get me out of here! KISAMA!"
"No way!"
With that, the perfect soldier left and shut the door.
Next he visited Wufei.
"INJUSTICE! NATAKU! WEAKLING! ONNA! COWARD! BAKA! INJUSTICE! NATAKU! WEAKLING! ONNA! COWARD! BAKA!"
Heero couldn't get a word in edgewise, so he left the ranting and raving psychopath, and went to see Trowa.
Trowa was still in shock. All he did was sit and stare. He was not in a straightjacket any more. Heero tried talking to him, but he didn't get any response. You could tell it was not his normal silence, because this was as if the pilot with a comb over wasn't even hearing him. So, he went to visit Quatre.
He.She gave him a giant hug when she saw him. In fact, she squeezed him so tight he broke a rib. Oh well, he'd fix it later, just as he always did.
They made small talk and Heero left when visiting hours were up. When he came back in a month, things were the same, except for the fact that Duo's hair was shoulder length and he had an obvious receding hairline. So the doctor had been right after all. Duo was angry because he couldn't get any Rogaine. The doctors there weren't sure it was healthy to use it to re-grow hair.
He went once a month for two years and gradually the guys. and girl (it's hard to remember to write that because I'm so used to writing Quatre as a guy) improved. They moved back in in January of the third year, to discover that Heero had redecorated the entire thing. There were pictures of explosions and dead people and all types of weapons in all of the rooms and they were all painted red or black, or red and black. Heero had moved into Quatre's bedroom, because it was biggest and had taken the parts off of everyone's Gundams but his. He had switched one of the parlors to a bomb making lab, one of the living rooms to a computer virus generating base, Wufei's bedroom to a computer hacking center, and his old room to a storage room for all of the weapons he needed, for a week.
They walked from room to room and noticed that Heero had also put black lights in most of the rooms. He had also installed physical, mental, and sexual torture chambers in the basement. There was also a dungeon where they could throw people they hated (Relena, Dorothy, Sally, Treize, Zechs, etc.).
Heero had also changed the maids' attire. They all now wore super short black and red miniskirts, black and red bras, boots or high, spiked heels, and they all had gotten breast implants, so they were bigger than a triple D.
All of the guys thought that it was all a major improvement, but Quatre hated it and wanted to know what had happened to all of her stuff.
"Oh, I sold it."
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah."
She stormed off.
"PMS," Duo told him and he nodded.
Then he took the guys to their rooms, introduced them to their own personal prostitute (Heero's was named Sunshine, Duo's was Shadow, Trowa's was Rosebud, and Wufei's was Starlight) and showed them their new wardrobes. Duo had black T-Shirts and black pants, not much different from his original clothing, just no white collar. Trowa had saggy, baggy black pipes and big black T-shirts with funny sayings on them. Wufei got saggy black denim shorts and black wife beaters. He also gave them all boxers, because Trowa and Wufei, he had found, wore tighty whities and all of Duo's were covered with either Barney the purple dinosaur of multicolored smiley faces. Heero had even switched his wardrobe and had black wife beaters and baggy jeans. He had finally realized that spandex is so 1980's and those had occurred so long ago. Quatre had also found her new room, clothes, and male whore ( his name is Valentine). She had fishnet stockings, the same shoes as the maids, miniskirts in many gothic colors and skanky tops. She also had sexy lingerie and pajamas.
Then they all lived happily ever after, except for the people they threw in the dungeon and tortured every day.
All Because of a Blood Test
"Okay, we'll be over in about an hour." Quatre hung up the phone and let out a whoop of joy, "Yeah! The results are in! The results are in!" He did a little victory dance. He looked like a discombobulated chicken doing the bunny hop. When he had finished, he went to find his fellow pilots.
"Guys!" he shouted, "Come on! The blood test results are in!"
Thunder sounded through the halls as the boys raced from all wings of the Winner Mansion and jumped into the car. Quatre was last out and climbed into the driver's seat. He pulled onto the road and went under the speed limit, for safety. So, as they crawled along at 12 mph, the other boys became very irritated.
"Go faster!"
"Hurry up!"
"INJUSTICE!"
"Floor it!"
"GO!"
Finally, the very irate Heero climbed up front, shoved Quatre into the passenger seat with Trowa and stepped on the gas.
"Come on Heero, put the pedal to the metal!" Dou whined.
"If I push any harder the frickin' pedal is going to go through the floor!"
They zoomed to the hospital at 500 mph and made it there in two minutes flat. They rushed to the waiting room and found that they would have to wait because their doctor was with another patient. Trowa, Quatre, and Heero sat down to wait, while Duo began to pace, hands in pockets, and Wufei began a tremendously long and boring speech about how weak and unjust waiting is, and how, of course, Nataku would never wait, because it was weak and unjust.
Finally the doctor came and got them, saving everyone from being brainwashed by the Wu-man. She led them into a room and left to find her clipboard. Quatre and Trowa sat on the examining table, Wufei and Heero sat in normal chairs, and Duo sat in the doc's spinning chair with wheels and kept twirling around, braid flying out to whack everyone, until he got sick and threw up in the garbage can.
When the doctor came back in, Quatre, Trowa, and Duo were crammed onto the examining table, Quatre struggling to stay on the edge. She sat down in her chair and began.
"O.K., all of you are clear of disease, except for Mr..Woofee? Who has an unknown disease."
"INJUSTICE! YOU ONNA! AND IT'S WUFEI!" a certain justice freak screamed.
Clearing her throat, she went on, "We would like Mr. Wufei to come in on Friday for study of his symptoms and to draw more blood for analysis." She began flipping through her papers, "Hang on, let me find the DNA results."
All were still and watched, except for Duo. He tapped his fingers, rolled his eyes and hummed.
Finally, the doctor found the paper she had been searching for and clipped it to the top of her clipboard.
"All right, I've got some surprising news for you. Mr.'s Trowa Barton and Quatre. Wiener? You are brothers."
Quatre finally fell off the edge of the table. He hurriedly stood up, "No! No! No! No! Please, let it be anyone but Trowa! I love him!"
All the guys' eyes grew as they stared at the two weirdoes grab each other's hands as the doctor continued, "You may want to sit back down. I've got more news. Mr. Wiener-"
"It's Winner." Quatre told her.
"Sorry, Mr. Winner is a female."
Duo fainted, much to the relief to everyone, as Quatre announced that he err. she already knew that.
"My father already told me. He had me get a sex change when I was born, he couldn't stand the thought of having another daughter. So, I'm actually your sister, Trowa."
Now Trowa fainted. Quatre just stood at the end of the table blushing.
"ONNA!" Wufei screamed, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! YOU ONNA! IT IS INJUSTICE, YOU ACTING LIKE A MAN! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A WEAKLING! ONNA! ONNA! ONNA! ONNA!"
Finally, Wufei fainted as Quatre sat down and burst into tears, as Trowa and Duo woke up.
Yet the doctor continued, "Mr. Maxwell, your DNA shows that your hair will stop growing and begin to fall out in five months."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Duo screamed.
(Duo's thoughts) I'll have to stock up on Rogaine.
The doctor started again, "Mr. Wufei, you have a genetic disorder and will soon lose the powers of speech."
"INJSUTICE!" screeched Wufei who had been woken by Dou's scream. "WEAKLING! ONNA! NATAKU! INJUSTICE! WEAKLING! ONN-"
Heero punched him in the chest, and Wufei was winded, causing him to stop, mid-insult.
"Heero Yuy," the doctor said, "Your genes are perfect except for a single flaw."
"I don't want to know what it is."
"Why?"
"Look at these other guys and what has happened to them with your news."
The doctor looked about the room. Quatre sat in a corner, crying. Trowa was still in shock that his lover was his sister. Duo was petting his braid and murmuring to it. Wufei was clutching his chest and gasping for air.
"I see. Oh well. Since you are the only sane one here, I suggest you drive them home and call this number. He's one of the best psychiatrists in the country."
Heero nodded, taking the number, knowing very well he wouldn't call it. He was just going to call someone else to come get this bunch.
Heero stuffed all four of them in the back seat and drove back to Quatre's Mansion. When they got there, Quatre ran to his, her, bedroom, still sobbing. Trowa was still in shock and just sat in the car, staring. Duo ran to the bathroom to grab a brush and kept brushing his hair, braiding it, unbraiding it, brushing it, braiding it, unbraiding it, etc. Wufei went in and sat down, still gasping for air.
Heero just went to the phone and dialed for the operator.
"Operator, how may I help you?" Came the nasally voice out of the earpiece.
"Yes, can I have the number for the nearest asylum?"
"876-543-2109."
"Thank you."
He hung up the phone and dialed the number.
"Hello, Happyfields Sanitarium. How may I help you?"
"Yes, I've got four kooks here. I'd like someone to come and pick them up."
"Are they dangerous?"
"Yes."
"How dangerous?"
"Well. Two probably have guns and one is carrying a katana, I'm not sure about the other."
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Two have guns. One has a katana. One I am not sure."
"Sir? What in the heck is a katana?"
Heero sighed, "It's like a big knife."
"Oh. O.K., what is the address?"
Heero gave the address and hung up. Then he went outside to wait for the guys with the straightjackets to come.
When the four white vans with the Happyfields logo (a smiley-faced sun over a field of flowers) pulled up, Heero led them inside to get the other pilots. He let them get the Wu-man first, because Heero thought he'd be the hardest. He was sitting in the living room, watching the president of the United States give a speech.
He had unfortunately gotten his breath back and was now screaming at Bush. "OH, COME ON! THIS IS INJUSTICE! YOU FREAKING BAKA! WEAKLING! BAKA! OH, THE INJUSTICE! YOU DAMN WEAKLING! YOU CAN'T EVEN PROTECT YOURSELF! LOOK AT THOSE F****** BODYGUARDS! I COULD ASSASSINATE YOU! YOU- HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!"
The men had seized him and were attempting to get him into the straightjacket. He pulled out his katana from hammer space and the men backed up.
"Hey, Wu-man!" Heero called.
Wufei turned to look at him, letting down his guard for a moment. A moment was all they needed. They swiped away the large knife and shoved him into the straightjacket. They shoved him into the padded back of the van and locked him in.
Next was Duo. They discovered that he was still in the bathroom, brushing his hair.
"I won't let you fall out." He said to his braid, "I will not be without hair! I love you. I won't let you leave me."
They wrestled the brush away from him and stuffed his arms into the coat.
Then, they proceeded and stuck Trowa into one of the two remaining jackets. He did not fight them, because he was still in shock.
After they lifted him into a van, Heero led them up to Quatre's room. He.No, she was face down on the bed, crying her eyes out, as she had been for the past hour. They actually had trouble with her. She was the one Heero thought that they wouldn't need to worry about, but she ran all over the house, everyone trying to catch her. They ran up the stairs and down the stairs, through the halls and all over the vast estate. Finally, Heero caught her and they thrust her into the straightjacket. When they loaded her into the remaining van, the men thanked Heero and drove off.
Now Heero had the whole mansion to himself. He did what ever he wanted, but after a week, he was getting a bit bored, so he went to visit the other pilots in the sanitarium.
He went into visit Duo first. He was sitting in a corner of the white padded room, still wrapped in the straightjacket. At the first sight of him looking so stupid, Heero burst out laughing. Duo just glared at him with his own version of the Yuy death glare. Trust me, it was not nearly as scary. Duo pushed himself up with his legs and came over. His braid had been chopped off. This just made Heero laugh even more.
After he had wiped the tears from his eyes, he asked him what had happened to it.
"I whipped one of the shrinks with it. They said that they would let me grow it back if I would put it up so it couldn't be used as a weapon."
"Oh, well, see ya."
"Wait, Heero! Where are you going?!"
"I have to visit the other guys while I'm here."
"They're here too?!"
"Yeah."
"I haven't seen them."
"And I doubt you ever will."
He turned again to leave.
"Wait! You've gotta get me out of here! KISAMA!"
"No way!"
With that, the perfect soldier left and shut the door.
Next he visited Wufei.
"INJUSTICE! NATAKU! WEAKLING! ONNA! COWARD! BAKA! INJUSTICE! NATAKU! WEAKLING! ONNA! COWARD! BAKA!"
Heero couldn't get a word in edgewise, so he left the ranting and raving psychopath, and went to see Trowa.
Trowa was still in shock. All he did was sit and stare. He was not in a straightjacket any more. Heero tried talking to him, but he didn't get any response. You could tell it was not his normal silence, because this was as if the pilot with a comb over wasn't even hearing him. So, he went to visit Quatre.
He.She gave him a giant hug when she saw him. In fact, she squeezed him so tight he broke a rib. Oh well, he'd fix it later, just as he always did.
They made small talk and Heero left when visiting hours were up. When he came back in a month, things were the same, except for the fact that Duo's hair was shoulder length and he had an obvious receding hairline. So the doctor had been right after all. Duo was angry because he couldn't get any Rogaine. The doctors there weren't sure it was healthy to use it to re-grow hair.
He went once a month for two years and gradually the guys. and girl (it's hard to remember to write that because I'm so used to writing Quatre as a guy) improved. They moved back in in January of the third year, to discover that Heero had redecorated the entire thing. There were pictures of explosions and dead people and all types of weapons in all of the rooms and they were all painted red or black, or red and black. Heero had moved into Quatre's bedroom, because it was biggest and had taken the parts off of everyone's Gundams but his. He had switched one of the parlors to a bomb making lab, one of the living rooms to a computer virus generating base, Wufei's bedroom to a computer hacking center, and his old room to a storage room for all of the weapons he needed, for a week.
They walked from room to room and noticed that Heero had also put black lights in most of the rooms. He had also installed physical, mental, and sexual torture chambers in the basement. There was also a dungeon where they could throw people they hated (Relena, Dorothy, Sally, Treize, Zechs, etc.).
Heero had also changed the maids' attire. They all now wore super short black and red miniskirts, black and red bras, boots or high, spiked heels, and they all had gotten breast implants, so they were bigger than a triple D.
All of the guys thought that it was all a major improvement, but Quatre hated it and wanted to know what had happened to all of her stuff.
"Oh, I sold it."
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah."
She stormed off.
"PMS," Duo told him and he nodded.
Then he took the guys to their rooms, introduced them to their own personal prostitute (Heero's was named Sunshine, Duo's was Shadow, Trowa's was Rosebud, and Wufei's was Starlight) and showed them their new wardrobes. Duo had black T-Shirts and black pants, not much different from his original clothing, just no white collar. Trowa had saggy, baggy black pipes and big black T-shirts with funny sayings on them. Wufei got saggy black denim shorts and black wife beaters. He also gave them all boxers, because Trowa and Wufei, he had found, wore tighty whities and all of Duo's were covered with either Barney the purple dinosaur of multicolored smiley faces. Heero had even switched his wardrobe and had black wife beaters and baggy jeans. He had finally realized that spandex is so 1980's and those had occurred so long ago. Quatre had also found her new room, clothes, and male whore ( his name is Valentine). She had fishnet stockings, the same shoes as the maids, miniskirts in many gothic colors and skanky tops. She also had sexy lingerie and pajamas.
Then they all lived happily ever after, except for the people they threw in the dungeon and tortured every day.