TITLE: Two Heroes
AUTHOR: Lisa
EMAIL: Saturn_girl19@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: AL/SL Friendship AL/JC Romance AL Angst RATING: R for Abby's potty mouth
SPOILERS: For episode 9-14 "No Strings Attached"
ARCHIVE: Please just let me know.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine. That's all there is to it.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The spoilers for this episode sound quite disheartening. I hope something like this happens to somewhat resolve the conflict, at least for now. This is ER after all. THANKS: To Kate! Thank you very much for the beta!!
SUMMARY: Abby's brother goes missing while Carter's in Africa, and Abby almost relapses, until a surprise visit may just be her saving grace.
*~* Hey your glass is empty.
It's a hell of a long way home.
Why don't you let me take you?
It's no good to go alone.
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me.
After all the bullshit I've heard,
it's refreshing not to see.
I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me.
So just let me try,
and I will be good to you.
Just let me try,
and I will be there for you.
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough.
-Sarah McLachlan, "Good Enough" *~*
Carter said he loved me and that he was just a phone call away. Yeah, well, a phone call just isn't enough this time. Eric's gone missing. He just up and disappeared. Like my mother all over again, and I'm powerless to protect him. I still think of him as that skinny little kid, looking up at me with those vulnerable, innocent eyes, every time my mother deserted us for the hundredth time. And just like I told Carter that day in the diner, I would have to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But I knew I was a liar, and he knew it too.
Mom would stay gone for days, sometimes weeks, and we'd have to survive without her. There was no way to get any money, since I wasn't old enough to work yet, so we'd have to sustain ourselves with near-molded cheese sandwiches and tap water. I'd have to make up excuses as to why my mother wasn't home when people would call for her, or knock on the door. I would have to get Eric up for school in the mornings, make sure he got dressed, make sure his socks matched and his hair was combed. I did the laundry, washed the dishes, cleaned up our messes. I did everything a mother was supposed to do. But we made it through, somehow. When we'd got off from school, Eric and I would sit in the middle of the living room floor, play monopoly or checkers, with the TV gently buzzing behind us. I'd let Eric win most of the time, because when he did, he would get the greatest grin on his face, and all the pain I know he was trying to hide, but couldn't, would disappear, just for awhile. So then I'd lunge at him, and start tickling him, 'til his high-pitched giddy laughter would echo through the house, through me, and my pain would disappear for a while too.
So I never thought that he would end up here. I thought he would be okay. I thought I had done a good enough job in protecting him. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let him down. We can't just play a board game anymore, and pretend like it's gonna all go away. If only.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the bottle of Tequila I just bought an hour ago, after my shift ended. God, I want it so bad. I want all of it to stop just for a while. I want to feel that familiar trickle and sting in my throat. I want the glorious warmth that follows and burns me to the core.
Just like Carter's kisses... Who am I kidding? I just want Carter to come home. I don't want the fucking Tequila. But that isn't going to happen for quite some time. I know this mission is important to Carter. I don't want to take that away from him. I told him I was fine. He said he'd come, but I can fight this, right? I've never been a damsel in distress, and I'm not going to start now. Oh poor little Abby. Can't do a thing without Carter there to save her. Well, fuck that.
But one shot won't hurt. Just one. Just so I can sleep the night. Without Carter here, God knows it will be a lot harder to fall asleep. A lot harder without his hot breathe on my cheek, his soft hands cascading along my thigh...
God, I have to get a grip on myself. Damn it, what the hell? I open the bottle; tip it to take a swig. The cordless phone on the edge of the counter catches my eye. What if he calls, and catches me tipsy? I set the bottle down with a loud thud. I can't do this to him. to me. to us.
I pace. Maybe I should go take a walk. I glance at my watch.11:00 PM. Okay. Now wouldn't be the best time, would it? God damn it. Well. Susan will be off in a half hour. Maybe I could call her, but I'm sure after working a double shift, she just wants to go home and crash.
I sit back down. The bottle is still there, taunting me. I never should have bought the damn thing. I should have just come straight home, taken a bath, and gone to bed. Abruptly, I get to my feet again, grasp the bottle in my hand, and vigorously pour the whole of the bottle down the sink. After the very last drop dribbles down the drain, I just stand there, sobbing, letting the hot tears stain my sweaty cheeks.
I lose my grasp on the bottle, when my convulsions take a hold of me, and, it clatters onto the ground, breaking into a scattered bunch of pieces. I just continue to cry, almost oblivious to the mess.
Suddenly, a noise startles me, as I swivel around to see what made the sound. I am taken back, just for a second to the night I was attacked, and I shake my head quickly to rush the image out of my mind. I'm startled out of my momentary trance, when I hear a knock on the door. I must be having hallucinations, but I check the door anyway. Another knock, and then, "Abby? It's Susan. You there?" I unlock the door.
"Susan? What are you doing here?
"I just got off. Look, I know you said you didn't want company, and I know it's really late, but I thought I'd just come by.. Abby, have you been crying? Are you okay?"
"No. No. I'm okay. Really. You can leave. You must be exhausted, working a double shift and all."
"No. I'm fine. It's you I'm concerned about. Are you sure you're okay? Let me come in."
Susan pushes her way past me over the threshold. She pauses and looks at me straight on. "Abby. Come on. Do you want to talk about it? You miss Carter, don't you?". Well, she's got it half right.
Good ol' Susan, too pushy for her own good, but she's really a wonderful friend. I just don't feel like talking to anyone right now. I wish she never saw me like this. But she just keeps going, her kind, and yet forceful nature getting the better of her.
"Come here, let me make you some herbal tea. Sit down. We'll talk." Uh oh. She's heading towards the kitchen. I follow her.
"No, Susan, wait, be careful."
"Abby! What happened?" The remnants of the Tequila bottle are still strewn across the kitchen floor in an awful mess.
Susan looks up at me as she starts to clean the glass off of the floor. She starts to scoop it up, so she can put it in the trash can. Her eyes are solemn and caring, searching my face for answers to questions I don't think I can answer. But then it all just hits me again, like a tidal wave, and I start crying, right there in front of her.
"Abby!" She shoots up from her position on the floor, and immediately catches me in an embrace. I'm caught off guard, but I fall into her arms anyway. I tell her about Eric going missing, and my longing for Carter. I haven't cried this much in years, not since before Richard and I were married. The tears finally stop, and Susan leads me over to the couch.
"Oh, Abby, I'm so sorry." Her hand still hasn't left my shoulder, but I try to wipe my eyes in an attempt to maintain at least some sense of dignity. "I guess it's a good thing I came over then, huh?"
"Yeah," I say, still a bit dumbfounded at my recent rush of female hormones that is so unlike me.
"How'd the bottle break, Abby? You still haven't told me what happened."
"Oh. Well, I. Uh. I bought some Tequila on my way home from work, and I."
Susan looks at me expectantly, waiting patiently for me to continue. "I just couldn't do it. I've been sober since Carter and I started going out, and I just couldn't do it."
I can't believe I just told her all of that. Well, I know that my drinking is no secret, but I never expected just to come out there with it. Bam! There it is. But there's something about the way Susan is looking at me, so calm and quiet, with only concern in her eyes, nothing else. It makes it feel like it's okay to talk to her. I don't have to pretend and I don't have to put up a cover to protect myself. I realize in that moment that she's so much like Carter in that way, both so enduring, so serene, while the walls I've built around myself slowly crumble. They can both see inside so easily. I become translucent, so obvious, yet strengthened, by their silent convictions that I'm still all right, even after the metamorphosis.
Susan doesn't press me anymore, and I am so grateful to her for that. She just continues to hold me, no questions, and no lectures. "How 'bout that tea, now, huh?" She shifts to get up from the sofa, and I close my eyes, finally starting to calm down.
"Okay", I say, in a tiny voice.
I almost start to drift off, as it's been a trying couple of days, when the phone breaks me shrilly from my half-slumber.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just tired. I'm good."
"No thanks."
".Yeah, well, it seems like a lot of people are worried about me. Susan stopped by a minute ago... Yeah, we're just having wild animal sex, without you to disturb us!" Susan's back on the couch with the tea, and she rolls her eyes at me, trying to refrain from giggling, but I'm laughing now instead.
"No. It's okay. It's actually kind of nice. Amazing, I know."
"Yeah, me too, Carter.. Yeah. Bye."
Susan looks over at me when I hang up the phone, and smiles. "If Carter can't be here with you, at least I can. Sorry though, no wild animal sex from me tonight!" We both burst out laughing, and it amazes me that I can go from crying hysterically, to laughing uncontrollably in such a short time. Maybe Carter's not the only one I can count on after all. Yes. It's amazing. I'm good enough for two heroes.
EMAIL: Saturn_girl19@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: AL/SL Friendship AL/JC Romance AL Angst RATING: R for Abby's potty mouth
SPOILERS: For episode 9-14 "No Strings Attached"
ARCHIVE: Please just let me know.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine. That's all there is to it.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The spoilers for this episode sound quite disheartening. I hope something like this happens to somewhat resolve the conflict, at least for now. This is ER after all. THANKS: To Kate! Thank you very much for the beta!!
SUMMARY: Abby's brother goes missing while Carter's in Africa, and Abby almost relapses, until a surprise visit may just be her saving grace.
*~* Hey your glass is empty.
It's a hell of a long way home.
Why don't you let me take you?
It's no good to go alone.
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me.
After all the bullshit I've heard,
it's refreshing not to see.
I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me.
So just let me try,
and I will be good to you.
Just let me try,
and I will be there for you.
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough.
-Sarah McLachlan, "Good Enough" *~*
Carter said he loved me and that he was just a phone call away. Yeah, well, a phone call just isn't enough this time. Eric's gone missing. He just up and disappeared. Like my mother all over again, and I'm powerless to protect him. I still think of him as that skinny little kid, looking up at me with those vulnerable, innocent eyes, every time my mother deserted us for the hundredth time. And just like I told Carter that day in the diner, I would have to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But I knew I was a liar, and he knew it too.
Mom would stay gone for days, sometimes weeks, and we'd have to survive without her. There was no way to get any money, since I wasn't old enough to work yet, so we'd have to sustain ourselves with near-molded cheese sandwiches and tap water. I'd have to make up excuses as to why my mother wasn't home when people would call for her, or knock on the door. I would have to get Eric up for school in the mornings, make sure he got dressed, make sure his socks matched and his hair was combed. I did the laundry, washed the dishes, cleaned up our messes. I did everything a mother was supposed to do. But we made it through, somehow. When we'd got off from school, Eric and I would sit in the middle of the living room floor, play monopoly or checkers, with the TV gently buzzing behind us. I'd let Eric win most of the time, because when he did, he would get the greatest grin on his face, and all the pain I know he was trying to hide, but couldn't, would disappear, just for awhile. So then I'd lunge at him, and start tickling him, 'til his high-pitched giddy laughter would echo through the house, through me, and my pain would disappear for a while too.
So I never thought that he would end up here. I thought he would be okay. I thought I had done a good enough job in protecting him. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let him down. We can't just play a board game anymore, and pretend like it's gonna all go away. If only.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the bottle of Tequila I just bought an hour ago, after my shift ended. God, I want it so bad. I want all of it to stop just for a while. I want to feel that familiar trickle and sting in my throat. I want the glorious warmth that follows and burns me to the core.
Just like Carter's kisses... Who am I kidding? I just want Carter to come home. I don't want the fucking Tequila. But that isn't going to happen for quite some time. I know this mission is important to Carter. I don't want to take that away from him. I told him I was fine. He said he'd come, but I can fight this, right? I've never been a damsel in distress, and I'm not going to start now. Oh poor little Abby. Can't do a thing without Carter there to save her. Well, fuck that.
But one shot won't hurt. Just one. Just so I can sleep the night. Without Carter here, God knows it will be a lot harder to fall asleep. A lot harder without his hot breathe on my cheek, his soft hands cascading along my thigh...
God, I have to get a grip on myself. Damn it, what the hell? I open the bottle; tip it to take a swig. The cordless phone on the edge of the counter catches my eye. What if he calls, and catches me tipsy? I set the bottle down with a loud thud. I can't do this to him. to me. to us.
I pace. Maybe I should go take a walk. I glance at my watch.11:00 PM. Okay. Now wouldn't be the best time, would it? God damn it. Well. Susan will be off in a half hour. Maybe I could call her, but I'm sure after working a double shift, she just wants to go home and crash.
I sit back down. The bottle is still there, taunting me. I never should have bought the damn thing. I should have just come straight home, taken a bath, and gone to bed. Abruptly, I get to my feet again, grasp the bottle in my hand, and vigorously pour the whole of the bottle down the sink. After the very last drop dribbles down the drain, I just stand there, sobbing, letting the hot tears stain my sweaty cheeks.
I lose my grasp on the bottle, when my convulsions take a hold of me, and, it clatters onto the ground, breaking into a scattered bunch of pieces. I just continue to cry, almost oblivious to the mess.
Suddenly, a noise startles me, as I swivel around to see what made the sound. I am taken back, just for a second to the night I was attacked, and I shake my head quickly to rush the image out of my mind. I'm startled out of my momentary trance, when I hear a knock on the door. I must be having hallucinations, but I check the door anyway. Another knock, and then, "Abby? It's Susan. You there?" I unlock the door.
"Susan? What are you doing here?
"I just got off. Look, I know you said you didn't want company, and I know it's really late, but I thought I'd just come by.. Abby, have you been crying? Are you okay?"
"No. No. I'm okay. Really. You can leave. You must be exhausted, working a double shift and all."
"No. I'm fine. It's you I'm concerned about. Are you sure you're okay? Let me come in."
Susan pushes her way past me over the threshold. She pauses and looks at me straight on. "Abby. Come on. Do you want to talk about it? You miss Carter, don't you?". Well, she's got it half right.
Good ol' Susan, too pushy for her own good, but she's really a wonderful friend. I just don't feel like talking to anyone right now. I wish she never saw me like this. But she just keeps going, her kind, and yet forceful nature getting the better of her.
"Come here, let me make you some herbal tea. Sit down. We'll talk." Uh oh. She's heading towards the kitchen. I follow her.
"No, Susan, wait, be careful."
"Abby! What happened?" The remnants of the Tequila bottle are still strewn across the kitchen floor in an awful mess.
Susan looks up at me as she starts to clean the glass off of the floor. She starts to scoop it up, so she can put it in the trash can. Her eyes are solemn and caring, searching my face for answers to questions I don't think I can answer. But then it all just hits me again, like a tidal wave, and I start crying, right there in front of her.
"Abby!" She shoots up from her position on the floor, and immediately catches me in an embrace. I'm caught off guard, but I fall into her arms anyway. I tell her about Eric going missing, and my longing for Carter. I haven't cried this much in years, not since before Richard and I were married. The tears finally stop, and Susan leads me over to the couch.
"Oh, Abby, I'm so sorry." Her hand still hasn't left my shoulder, but I try to wipe my eyes in an attempt to maintain at least some sense of dignity. "I guess it's a good thing I came over then, huh?"
"Yeah," I say, still a bit dumbfounded at my recent rush of female hormones that is so unlike me.
"How'd the bottle break, Abby? You still haven't told me what happened."
"Oh. Well, I. Uh. I bought some Tequila on my way home from work, and I."
Susan looks at me expectantly, waiting patiently for me to continue. "I just couldn't do it. I've been sober since Carter and I started going out, and I just couldn't do it."
I can't believe I just told her all of that. Well, I know that my drinking is no secret, but I never expected just to come out there with it. Bam! There it is. But there's something about the way Susan is looking at me, so calm and quiet, with only concern in her eyes, nothing else. It makes it feel like it's okay to talk to her. I don't have to pretend and I don't have to put up a cover to protect myself. I realize in that moment that she's so much like Carter in that way, both so enduring, so serene, while the walls I've built around myself slowly crumble. They can both see inside so easily. I become translucent, so obvious, yet strengthened, by their silent convictions that I'm still all right, even after the metamorphosis.
Susan doesn't press me anymore, and I am so grateful to her for that. She just continues to hold me, no questions, and no lectures. "How 'bout that tea, now, huh?" She shifts to get up from the sofa, and I close my eyes, finally starting to calm down.
"Okay", I say, in a tiny voice.
I almost start to drift off, as it's been a trying couple of days, when the phone breaks me shrilly from my half-slumber.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just tired. I'm good."
"No thanks."
".Yeah, well, it seems like a lot of people are worried about me. Susan stopped by a minute ago... Yeah, we're just having wild animal sex, without you to disturb us!" Susan's back on the couch with the tea, and she rolls her eyes at me, trying to refrain from giggling, but I'm laughing now instead.
"No. It's okay. It's actually kind of nice. Amazing, I know."
"Yeah, me too, Carter.. Yeah. Bye."
Susan looks over at me when I hang up the phone, and smiles. "If Carter can't be here with you, at least I can. Sorry though, no wild animal sex from me tonight!" We both burst out laughing, and it amazes me that I can go from crying hysterically, to laughing uncontrollably in such a short time. Maybe Carter's not the only one I can count on after all. Yes. It's amazing. I'm good enough for two heroes.