A/N Sorry it's taken so long to update! I got sidetracked with other tales
and…well, final exams :-) But finally here it is, the unawaited second
chapter of 'Some Towers'
So there's this load of big ugly buggers…
Pippin and Merry, the poor little hobbits, had been kidnapped by some ugly buggers the name of which sounded like an obscure ancient Japanese war cry.
"I don't like this much." Said Pippin to Merry. The pair were being carried over the shoulders of two Ugly-Buggers.
"Neither do I." Hissed the ironically named Merry. "I don't know about your Ugly-Bugger but mine really stinks. D'you think we should buy him some deodorant?"
"He'd probably eat it." Replied Pippin.
"Shut up, yer bastards!" Roared the Head Ugly, who was called UglyFúk. "Or I'll grill yer bollocks n' feed 'em to me lads!" The Uglies of course spoke Common Speech so the Hobbits could understand. They reverted to their own language shortly afterwards.
"Grrdly bling-blonl ththdgd ggggggggghhhh?" Asked an Ugly-Bugger, the one carrying Merry.
"Gerrity babdab alals thosis-smell." UglyFúk growled in reply.
"Ghdhege doggjs njednnsj flffje nerd jfjdja dlfoe snodgrass." Snarled the first Ugly. This dialogue translated roughly as:
"You're a wanker!"
"Watch yer tongue, bastard, or I'll shove my scythe up yer arse!"
"Piss off!"
The Ugly who had spoken was in fact Shagrabbit, a cousin of Shagrat, one of Morecambe's - or rather Mordor's - Ugly-Buggers. They were related through a well-known and respected Ugly called Shagmonkey, son of Shagdog. Shagrabbit was extremely uppity and not likely to be quelled by threats of having something inserted where the sun didn't shine.
"Come on then, yeh bugger!" Snarled UglyFúk, brandishing his scythe, when Shagrabbit refused to stop griping. Shagrabbit said a naughty word, and throwing Merry to the floor, advanced on his leader.
Pippin's Ugly dropped him too and joined in the squabble. While bits of Ugly flew everywhere, and UglyFúk screamed in rage, the little hobbits slipped between the Uglies' hairy legs and ran away.
"Phew!" Said Pippin. "I'm glad to be away from that stench."
"Right on." Said Merry. "Let's have some lembas crumbs before we face the next stage of our exciting adventure."
"There's a next stage?" Moaned Pippin…
Interlude: The Green Room
Meanwhile in the Green Room Gandalf the Gay, now Gay no longer but wearing a gown of white fresh from the closet, was preparing for his dramatic return.
"Now then…" he murmured, checking the script, "where do I start? Aha…minor amnesia…more long flashbacks…Gandalf the Straight…scare the shit out of the Dwarf…excellent."
"Gandy!" A voice called behind him. "Are they back yet? I've got the booze."
"Boromir, we can't have the post-adventure party yet, they've got two books still to go! And I've got to get back, anyway, my Dramatic Return is coming up."
"Oh." Boromir was crestfallen. "I'll be here on my own, then."
"Sorry. We'll be with you shortly."
"Can't I come?"
"No. The audience would get confused. They saw you killed, remember?"
"I could come back as my own twin brother, you know, like the bloke in 'Allo 'Allo."
"I think not. Your real brother Faramir wouldn't appreciate it. Remember *he* gets to be hard and cool in this movie."
"Oh, very well." Boromir sighed. And Gandalf the Straight departed once more for Middle-Earth.
End of interlude.
The hobbits were washing their gross hairy feet in a river when an enormous tree came and grabbed them from behind.
"Hroom, hroom!" It said.
"By God, a giant vacuum cleaner!" The hobbits screamed.
"I am an Ent."
"A what?"
"An Ent."
"Er…right you are. Pardon me though, but aren't you a tree?"
"Hroom, hroom! Urgh! Grunt. Yes, I am a talking tree. You may call me Treebeard."
"Not just 'talking tree'."
"No. Now, hroom, hroom, what are you funny little things? Wait, let me recall the old poem:
'There were some Elves ancient and groovy
Most of which are in the movie
There were some Dwarves scruffy and surly
And also Men who're thick but burly
And there were Ents, the talking trees
With great long trunks but no real knees' Hroom, hroom!"
"You'll have to add some lines." Said Pippin. 'And also hobbits play a role/short of arse but deep of hole.'"
"Hroom, hroom! What bad poetry." Said Treebeard and took them off to have some tea. As they sat around, and Treebeard stood in the rain like a loony, the Ent told the Hobbits the story of the lost Entwives, in the form of yet another poem.
ENT: When Spring unfolds the beechen leaf, and sap is in the bough;
When light is on the wild-wood stream, and wind is on the brow;
When stride is long, and breath is deep, keen air the mountain brags;
Come back to me! Come back to me, because I need a shag!
ENTWIFE: When Spring is come to garth and field, and corn is in the blade;
I'll stay right where I am and you will never more get laid;
Won't clean your house or cook your tea or even darn your britches;
'Cos when we get to the crux of it, we Entwives are real bitches!
" And that," said Treebeard sadly, "is why all Ents are gay…hroom, hroom!"
A/N Sorry for the short chapter, more soon :-) Review please!?
So there's this load of big ugly buggers…
Pippin and Merry, the poor little hobbits, had been kidnapped by some ugly buggers the name of which sounded like an obscure ancient Japanese war cry.
"I don't like this much." Said Pippin to Merry. The pair were being carried over the shoulders of two Ugly-Buggers.
"Neither do I." Hissed the ironically named Merry. "I don't know about your Ugly-Bugger but mine really stinks. D'you think we should buy him some deodorant?"
"He'd probably eat it." Replied Pippin.
"Shut up, yer bastards!" Roared the Head Ugly, who was called UglyFúk. "Or I'll grill yer bollocks n' feed 'em to me lads!" The Uglies of course spoke Common Speech so the Hobbits could understand. They reverted to their own language shortly afterwards.
"Grrdly bling-blonl ththdgd ggggggggghhhh?" Asked an Ugly-Bugger, the one carrying Merry.
"Gerrity babdab alals thosis-smell." UglyFúk growled in reply.
"Ghdhege doggjs njednnsj flffje nerd jfjdja dlfoe snodgrass." Snarled the first Ugly. This dialogue translated roughly as:
"You're a wanker!"
"Watch yer tongue, bastard, or I'll shove my scythe up yer arse!"
"Piss off!"
The Ugly who had spoken was in fact Shagrabbit, a cousin of Shagrat, one of Morecambe's - or rather Mordor's - Ugly-Buggers. They were related through a well-known and respected Ugly called Shagmonkey, son of Shagdog. Shagrabbit was extremely uppity and not likely to be quelled by threats of having something inserted where the sun didn't shine.
"Come on then, yeh bugger!" Snarled UglyFúk, brandishing his scythe, when Shagrabbit refused to stop griping. Shagrabbit said a naughty word, and throwing Merry to the floor, advanced on his leader.
Pippin's Ugly dropped him too and joined in the squabble. While bits of Ugly flew everywhere, and UglyFúk screamed in rage, the little hobbits slipped between the Uglies' hairy legs and ran away.
"Phew!" Said Pippin. "I'm glad to be away from that stench."
"Right on." Said Merry. "Let's have some lembas crumbs before we face the next stage of our exciting adventure."
"There's a next stage?" Moaned Pippin…
Interlude: The Green Room
Meanwhile in the Green Room Gandalf the Gay, now Gay no longer but wearing a gown of white fresh from the closet, was preparing for his dramatic return.
"Now then…" he murmured, checking the script, "where do I start? Aha…minor amnesia…more long flashbacks…Gandalf the Straight…scare the shit out of the Dwarf…excellent."
"Gandy!" A voice called behind him. "Are they back yet? I've got the booze."
"Boromir, we can't have the post-adventure party yet, they've got two books still to go! And I've got to get back, anyway, my Dramatic Return is coming up."
"Oh." Boromir was crestfallen. "I'll be here on my own, then."
"Sorry. We'll be with you shortly."
"Can't I come?"
"No. The audience would get confused. They saw you killed, remember?"
"I could come back as my own twin brother, you know, like the bloke in 'Allo 'Allo."
"I think not. Your real brother Faramir wouldn't appreciate it. Remember *he* gets to be hard and cool in this movie."
"Oh, very well." Boromir sighed. And Gandalf the Straight departed once more for Middle-Earth.
End of interlude.
The hobbits were washing their gross hairy feet in a river when an enormous tree came and grabbed them from behind.
"Hroom, hroom!" It said.
"By God, a giant vacuum cleaner!" The hobbits screamed.
"I am an Ent."
"A what?"
"An Ent."
"Er…right you are. Pardon me though, but aren't you a tree?"
"Hroom, hroom! Urgh! Grunt. Yes, I am a talking tree. You may call me Treebeard."
"Not just 'talking tree'."
"No. Now, hroom, hroom, what are you funny little things? Wait, let me recall the old poem:
'There were some Elves ancient and groovy
Most of which are in the movie
There were some Dwarves scruffy and surly
And also Men who're thick but burly
And there were Ents, the talking trees
With great long trunks but no real knees' Hroom, hroom!"
"You'll have to add some lines." Said Pippin. 'And also hobbits play a role/short of arse but deep of hole.'"
"Hroom, hroom! What bad poetry." Said Treebeard and took them off to have some tea. As they sat around, and Treebeard stood in the rain like a loony, the Ent told the Hobbits the story of the lost Entwives, in the form of yet another poem.
ENT: When Spring unfolds the beechen leaf, and sap is in the bough;
When light is on the wild-wood stream, and wind is on the brow;
When stride is long, and breath is deep, keen air the mountain brags;
Come back to me! Come back to me, because I need a shag!
ENTWIFE: When Spring is come to garth and field, and corn is in the blade;
I'll stay right where I am and you will never more get laid;
Won't clean your house or cook your tea or even darn your britches;
'Cos when we get to the crux of it, we Entwives are real bitches!
" And that," said Treebeard sadly, "is why all Ents are gay…hroom, hroom!"
A/N Sorry for the short chapter, more soon :-) Review please!?