A/N Yes, yes, yes. It has been a very long time since I updated. But on Sunday I finally saw The Two Towers!!! Hence, much more material to affectionately mock. Let's see what they did with the movie that was dodgy...
Thanks to Ripper for the lovely poster and the kick up the arse ;-)
A quick note on where we are at the moment:
Aragorn and friends are helping Theoden-Thing hold the keep at Helm's Deep (hey that rhymes!), along with Boromir, who has taken a new post as Theoden's doggy. Pippin and Merry have escaped from the Ugly-Buggers and have encountered Treebeard, a gay Ent. Frodo and Sam are still wandering about near the gates of Mordor, and Faramir hasn't been in it yet...
Chapter Seven: So there's Boromir's younger smarter brother...
So Frodo and Sam were wandering through the hills being slashy and filled with angst. Well, Frodo was filled with angst; Sam was apparently too stupid. Frodo wasn't sleeping well, and they were almost out of Valium; the ring was getting heavy, and the hobbit had developed piles. Frodo was exhausted, even though Sam was carrying all the equipment, and occasionally Frodo himself.
"I don't think Gandalf meant for this to happen." Sam commented.
"Gandalf didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam." Replied Frodo, with a sense of déjà vu.
They were also hopelessly lost, being hobbits and having poor navigation skills. It was fortunate from one point of view, then, that they encountered Gollum, nee Smeagol, and made an attempt to tame him.
"I don't like this, Mr. Frodo." whined Sam, who had suddenly become highly suspicious and cynical - perhaps he was imitating Aragorn. "I don't trust that funny CG character any further than I could throw him. Although, really I trust him a lot less far than I could throw him, 'cause I reckon I could kick him quite a long way."
"Stop being such a meanie, Sam."
"I'm not, Mr. Frodo. I tell you he's all wrong. His spine's all nobbly and he talks funny and he's got multiple personality disorder."
"Yesssss." Said Smeagol.
"Nooo." Said Gollum. "Nasty hobbitses."
"Nicccee Massterssss." Corrected Smeagol.
"You see?" Said Sam unhappily. "I don't like it, Mr. Frodo, that I don't."
"Well, you'll have to lump it then, because Smeagol's coming with us, and he's going to show us the way to Morcambe - I mean Mordor. Isn't he?" Frodo said to Smeagol. "Isn't he, then? Yes, he is! Yes! Nice nobbly thing! Nice CG character!"
"Sssstop patronissssing ussss." objected Smeagol, scowling.
"Sorry." muttered Frodo. He stumbled along behind Gollum as the nobbly thing set out to fulfil his promise of taking them to Mordor.
It was on the way, of course, following an abortive attempt to get inside Mordor's big black gates, that the little company met Faramir, Boromir's younger smarter brother. Smeagol had buggered off; Faramir disrespected Frodo, blindfolding him and Sam and dragging them off to a wine cellar in which he shut them.
"We're buggered now, Mr. Frodo." Sam said unhappily.
"Yes." Agreed Frodo with a sigh.
And then they were taken to Captain Faramir. Not much like Captain Scarlet, more like Captain Mainwaring, but there you go.
"You stupid boy." Said Faramir to Frodo, before he even asked his name. "What are you doing wandering about near the black gates of Mordor? You're obviously dodgy and we may have to kill you."
Before Frodo could reply, however, Faramir suddenly twitched violently; his eyes turned grey, and he exclaimed,
"Gosh! Aren't you cute and little? Aw! We ought to help them. Men, bring the little people some food and drink, while I cuddle them and sing to them, and make merry. I can play the paper and comb you know." He added to Frodo, who blinked.
"Blimey." Groaned Sam. "Does everyone in this bloody parody have multiple personality disorder?"
"I," said the grey-eyed Captain, "am Faramir as Tolkien wrote me. I am fluffy and full of love and the joys of spring. I write poetry, sing songs, play the paper and comb, hang around with Gandalf, and my daddy doesn't like me because I'm effeminate (sniff). I look like my brother (but you don't know that yet) which is no bad thing. Except I'm not much like him in personality; he likes weapons and lager and French women, but I'm going to get it on with a transvestite."
A startled silence followed this little speech.
"But now," Faramir went on sadly, "Peter Jackson has begun messing with my character...and I...can't...argh!"
The captain's eyes turned a funny colour; he drew himself up to his full height and glared down at Frodo.
"Do you know who I am?" Faramir demanded.
"More to the point," said Little Frodo, "do *you* know who you are?"
"I am Faramir of Gondor, second son of the Steward Denethor - and well, I guess I'm the heir now."
"And?" asked Frodo.
"And, you little moron, Boromir was my brother."
"Oh, I see!! That's what you're doing in this film!"
"Yes. No! I am a character in my own right. Tolkien did *not* create me just to make a somewhat obscure moral point. I am important to the plot, damn you!"
"Sorry, Captain Faramir."
"Humph. Anyway, I forgot to ask - who are you then?"
"I'm Little Frodo of the Shire, and I used to hang out with your brother."
"Really?" Growled Faramir. "It would interest you then to know that he has...gone to the Green Room."
"The Green Room!?" gasped Frodo.
"Aye. I saw him there myself, while I was getting my makeup touched up for this scene. He was talking to a potato salad and appeared utterly insane."
"Runs in the family then." Muttered Sam.
"Do you know, little things, how my brother happened to come to the Green Room?" wondered Faramir.
"Well, it was his own fault for trying to steal Mr. Frodo's ring."
"Ring!?"
"Now you've done it Sam, you stupid tit." Muttered Frodo angrily.
"Sorry sir." Sam mumbled.
"Let's have a look." Faramir poked Frodo's chest with his sword, cutting the hobbit's braces by mistake. Frodo's trousers fell down, revealing things the Captain of Gondor did not wish to see. While Frodo attempted to pull up his breeches, Faramir grabbed the Ring of Power and peered at it closely.
"Ha! With this I would be great, and no longer walk in the shadow of my larger brother!"
Abruptly his face twitched and his eyes became grey again.
"But I'm not a bad guy!" he wailed. "I love babies and fluffy bunnies and I loved my brother - literally, in some fanfics. If he made a mistake I'm not going to make the same one. I'm going to be nice to the little people and stop harassing them and give Frodo back his ring."
Frodo sighed with relief, but it was short-lived, as would he be if they didn't get away from the clearly mental Faramir very, very quickly. The captain's eyes had already changed back again and he was twittering,
"This ring could defeat Sauron and push back the shadow, and free Gondor! So I'm going to piss off with it."
Twitch.
"But Frodo is so cute and lovely and obviously he must be here for a reason. What did you plan to do with the ring, little one?"
"I'm going to destroy it." Frodo muttered shiftily.
"Yes! Yes, that is the only way...it is an evil thing this, and I'm so trustworthy...have it back."
Twitch.
"But, dammit, why waste this opportunity to be the king of men and really groovy? Give me the ring! We'll take it to my father, dodgy bastard though he is."
Twitch.
"Argh! Get out of my head, Peter Jackson! Frodo, I love you!" Boromir's younger, smarter, even madder brother declared, handing the ring of power back to the hobbit.
"Ta." Said Frodo, struggling in Faramir's grip, as the twitching captain tried to kiss him and throttle him all at once.
"You stop that, you dirty bleeder!" Cried Sam, dragging Frodo free. "He's mine! Er...I mean...the ring drove your brother mad! That's why he died! Being schizophrenic interfered with his ability to fight off ten thousand of the enemy all at once and come away without even a scratch!"
"What?" twitched Faramir.
"He's telling the truth!" exclaimed Frodo. "Let us go, Faramir, or meet the same fate of being driven mad by the ring...er..."
"Oh, I doubt it had anything to do with the ring." Faramir replied cheerfully, grey eyed once more. "Schizophrenia runs in our family, you know. You wait till you meet my father. Anyway...you'd best get away from me and destroy the ring before I go apeshit again."
Without further ado the little hobbits fled, leaving Faramir burbling about the prettiness of the flowers and how sparkly the gates of Mordor looked in the sunlight.
A/N Short chapter. Review please!?
Thanks to Ripper for the lovely poster and the kick up the arse ;-)
A quick note on where we are at the moment:
Aragorn and friends are helping Theoden-Thing hold the keep at Helm's Deep (hey that rhymes!), along with Boromir, who has taken a new post as Theoden's doggy. Pippin and Merry have escaped from the Ugly-Buggers and have encountered Treebeard, a gay Ent. Frodo and Sam are still wandering about near the gates of Mordor, and Faramir hasn't been in it yet...
Chapter Seven: So there's Boromir's younger smarter brother...
So Frodo and Sam were wandering through the hills being slashy and filled with angst. Well, Frodo was filled with angst; Sam was apparently too stupid. Frodo wasn't sleeping well, and they were almost out of Valium; the ring was getting heavy, and the hobbit had developed piles. Frodo was exhausted, even though Sam was carrying all the equipment, and occasionally Frodo himself.
"I don't think Gandalf meant for this to happen." Sam commented.
"Gandalf didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam." Replied Frodo, with a sense of déjà vu.
They were also hopelessly lost, being hobbits and having poor navigation skills. It was fortunate from one point of view, then, that they encountered Gollum, nee Smeagol, and made an attempt to tame him.
"I don't like this, Mr. Frodo." whined Sam, who had suddenly become highly suspicious and cynical - perhaps he was imitating Aragorn. "I don't trust that funny CG character any further than I could throw him. Although, really I trust him a lot less far than I could throw him, 'cause I reckon I could kick him quite a long way."
"Stop being such a meanie, Sam."
"I'm not, Mr. Frodo. I tell you he's all wrong. His spine's all nobbly and he talks funny and he's got multiple personality disorder."
"Yesssss." Said Smeagol.
"Nooo." Said Gollum. "Nasty hobbitses."
"Nicccee Massterssss." Corrected Smeagol.
"You see?" Said Sam unhappily. "I don't like it, Mr. Frodo, that I don't."
"Well, you'll have to lump it then, because Smeagol's coming with us, and he's going to show us the way to Morcambe - I mean Mordor. Isn't he?" Frodo said to Smeagol. "Isn't he, then? Yes, he is! Yes! Nice nobbly thing! Nice CG character!"
"Sssstop patronissssing ussss." objected Smeagol, scowling.
"Sorry." muttered Frodo. He stumbled along behind Gollum as the nobbly thing set out to fulfil his promise of taking them to Mordor.
It was on the way, of course, following an abortive attempt to get inside Mordor's big black gates, that the little company met Faramir, Boromir's younger smarter brother. Smeagol had buggered off; Faramir disrespected Frodo, blindfolding him and Sam and dragging them off to a wine cellar in which he shut them.
"We're buggered now, Mr. Frodo." Sam said unhappily.
"Yes." Agreed Frodo with a sigh.
And then they were taken to Captain Faramir. Not much like Captain Scarlet, more like Captain Mainwaring, but there you go.
"You stupid boy." Said Faramir to Frodo, before he even asked his name. "What are you doing wandering about near the black gates of Mordor? You're obviously dodgy and we may have to kill you."
Before Frodo could reply, however, Faramir suddenly twitched violently; his eyes turned grey, and he exclaimed,
"Gosh! Aren't you cute and little? Aw! We ought to help them. Men, bring the little people some food and drink, while I cuddle them and sing to them, and make merry. I can play the paper and comb you know." He added to Frodo, who blinked.
"Blimey." Groaned Sam. "Does everyone in this bloody parody have multiple personality disorder?"
"I," said the grey-eyed Captain, "am Faramir as Tolkien wrote me. I am fluffy and full of love and the joys of spring. I write poetry, sing songs, play the paper and comb, hang around with Gandalf, and my daddy doesn't like me because I'm effeminate (sniff). I look like my brother (but you don't know that yet) which is no bad thing. Except I'm not much like him in personality; he likes weapons and lager and French women, but I'm going to get it on with a transvestite."
A startled silence followed this little speech.
"But now," Faramir went on sadly, "Peter Jackson has begun messing with my character...and I...can't...argh!"
The captain's eyes turned a funny colour; he drew himself up to his full height and glared down at Frodo.
"Do you know who I am?" Faramir demanded.
"More to the point," said Little Frodo, "do *you* know who you are?"
"I am Faramir of Gondor, second son of the Steward Denethor - and well, I guess I'm the heir now."
"And?" asked Frodo.
"And, you little moron, Boromir was my brother."
"Oh, I see!! That's what you're doing in this film!"
"Yes. No! I am a character in my own right. Tolkien did *not* create me just to make a somewhat obscure moral point. I am important to the plot, damn you!"
"Sorry, Captain Faramir."
"Humph. Anyway, I forgot to ask - who are you then?"
"I'm Little Frodo of the Shire, and I used to hang out with your brother."
"Really?" Growled Faramir. "It would interest you then to know that he has...gone to the Green Room."
"The Green Room!?" gasped Frodo.
"Aye. I saw him there myself, while I was getting my makeup touched up for this scene. He was talking to a potato salad and appeared utterly insane."
"Runs in the family then." Muttered Sam.
"Do you know, little things, how my brother happened to come to the Green Room?" wondered Faramir.
"Well, it was his own fault for trying to steal Mr. Frodo's ring."
"Ring!?"
"Now you've done it Sam, you stupid tit." Muttered Frodo angrily.
"Sorry sir." Sam mumbled.
"Let's have a look." Faramir poked Frodo's chest with his sword, cutting the hobbit's braces by mistake. Frodo's trousers fell down, revealing things the Captain of Gondor did not wish to see. While Frodo attempted to pull up his breeches, Faramir grabbed the Ring of Power and peered at it closely.
"Ha! With this I would be great, and no longer walk in the shadow of my larger brother!"
Abruptly his face twitched and his eyes became grey again.
"But I'm not a bad guy!" he wailed. "I love babies and fluffy bunnies and I loved my brother - literally, in some fanfics. If he made a mistake I'm not going to make the same one. I'm going to be nice to the little people and stop harassing them and give Frodo back his ring."
Frodo sighed with relief, but it was short-lived, as would he be if they didn't get away from the clearly mental Faramir very, very quickly. The captain's eyes had already changed back again and he was twittering,
"This ring could defeat Sauron and push back the shadow, and free Gondor! So I'm going to piss off with it."
Twitch.
"But Frodo is so cute and lovely and obviously he must be here for a reason. What did you plan to do with the ring, little one?"
"I'm going to destroy it." Frodo muttered shiftily.
"Yes! Yes, that is the only way...it is an evil thing this, and I'm so trustworthy...have it back."
Twitch.
"But, dammit, why waste this opportunity to be the king of men and really groovy? Give me the ring! We'll take it to my father, dodgy bastard though he is."
Twitch.
"Argh! Get out of my head, Peter Jackson! Frodo, I love you!" Boromir's younger, smarter, even madder brother declared, handing the ring of power back to the hobbit.
"Ta." Said Frodo, struggling in Faramir's grip, as the twitching captain tried to kiss him and throttle him all at once.
"You stop that, you dirty bleeder!" Cried Sam, dragging Frodo free. "He's mine! Er...I mean...the ring drove your brother mad! That's why he died! Being schizophrenic interfered with his ability to fight off ten thousand of the enemy all at once and come away without even a scratch!"
"What?" twitched Faramir.
"He's telling the truth!" exclaimed Frodo. "Let us go, Faramir, or meet the same fate of being driven mad by the ring...er..."
"Oh, I doubt it had anything to do with the ring." Faramir replied cheerfully, grey eyed once more. "Schizophrenia runs in our family, you know. You wait till you meet my father. Anyway...you'd best get away from me and destroy the ring before I go apeshit again."
Without further ado the little hobbits fled, leaving Faramir burbling about the prettiness of the flowers and how sparkly the gates of Mordor looked in the sunlight.
A/N Short chapter. Review please!?