Heart's Desire
Chapter 9- Doubts
Disclaimer-
I do not own Alanna, Jonathan, Thayet, Gary, Raoul, etc. I do own Matthew and Kelsie.
Kelsie watched as her four friends exited from the ballroom, and then turned around to find herself face to face with the Lioness.
"Where's George?" Kelsie asked, not wanting to have to answer the questions she was sure that the Lioness had.
"He's tired. He went back to our rooms." Kelsie nodded at the older woman's reply, and then stared up into her violet eyes. She was obviously not happy. Kelsie didn't want to get the wrath of the Lioness, but there was no way out of it now.
"What happened while I was gone?" Alanna asked.
"I didn't........." Kelsie began.
"I'm not accusing you of anything, and even if you did play a part in this somehow, I wish to know nothing of it. All I want to know is what went wrong? They seemed so happy when I left." Kelsie looked into the eyes of the Lioness and realized the look on her face was indeed not that of an angry woman but that of someone who was horribly confused.
"Well, Lady Alanna, one night Matthew and I were in Jonathan's study, talking to him, and Matthew decided to ask what went wrong between you and Jonathan," Kelsie said quietly.
"What went wrong between me and Jon? How did you even know about me and Jon and the first place?" Alanna demanded. Kelsie looked down at the floor.
"Well, ever since I first met George he's been telling me stories about you and all of your adventures. I always looked up to you, and wished that I could have been the one who had done all those good things. The thing is, when I met Kara and Kourrem, they told me things that George had happened to neglect. I guess it hurt him to tell people that the woman he was in love with had loved Jon first, but whatever it was, he didn't seem happy when I found out about you and Jonathan. I don't know, maybe George just doesn't trust me." Alanna stared at Kelsie.
"Why wouldn't he trust you? Perhaps you ought to finish the story before I ask you that, though," Alanna added.
"When I came to the palace, I sort of told Matthew about you and Jonathan, since you two were a couple of his closest friends, and once I told Matthew about it, he wanted to help me," Kelsie said.
"Help you what, Kelsie?" Alanna interupted, but Kelsie didn't want to answer.
"After we asked Jonathan about why you two broke up, he got kind of upset, and he seemed pretty sad every time we saw him this week. Maybe Thayet caught on and realized that she couldn't be with Jonathan when he was so hurt about what had happened between him and someone else, even when he and that person had been split up for almost two years." Alanna stared at her, eyes wide, as Kelsie fell silent.
"You think that Jonathan's still in love with me? That's proposterous, Kelsie, it's insane! Jonathan and I have no business being in love. I would make a horrible queen, I'd embarass him and make him the laughing stock of the Eastern Lands!"
"Jonathan told us that's what you said when he proposed to you. Matthew and I really don't see how that matters. First off, you wouldn't be a horrible queen, you'd make a good queen. And second of all, isn't love supposed to conquer all?"
"Yes, it is supposed to conquer all, but Jon and I don't love each other. I love George, and he loves Thayet, whether he knows it or not."
"Not to be rude, Lioness, but you aren't Jonathan. You don't know what he thinks, or how he feels. You didn't see him over the last week, ever since he got mad at me and Matthew for asking him about you. You should have heard him, Alanna! Matthew asked him why he finally gave up on you, becaus ehe said finally he just settled for Thayet even though he only loved her as a best friend, and he said it was his duty to his country to have a queen and an heir, because otherwise if something happened to him there would be a civil war."
"It can't be," Alanna croaked.
"I think you should give him another chance," Kelsie said quietly.
"Kelsie, you don't seem to understand what it's like to be in love," Alanna said, and Kelsie didn't bother to argue. Alanna had a point there. Kelsie never had been in love- or had she? Was she in love with Matthew? Kelsie tried to shake off this thought, but she knew that trying was impossible. Just like she and Matthew had made Jonathan see how much he still loved Alanna, Alanna had just made Kelsie realize her true feelings for her best friend.
"That's not true. I do know what it's like, and I know that if you truly love someone, then you can't bear to be away from them, and that you never want to think of being apart." Alanna nodded.
"You're absolutely right. So why don't you realize that I can't give Jon another chance because I'm completely in love with George? And even if I was willing to give Jon a chance, I'm betrothed, for Mithros sake." Kelsie nodded, near tears.
"You're right, of corurse. Good night, Lady Alanna." Kelsie walked out into the halls, feeling lost. She had never been so confused in her life. She walked slowly toward the barn where Jazz was housed.
"Oh, Jazz," she murmured to the horse, "It's impossible. It can't be done, and now we've gone and hurt Jon and chased Thayet away! It's all our fault, and there's nothing that can be done to fix it."
You can't give up now, Kelsie of Tirregan. This is not like you. You are not the type to quit.
"Oh, shut up, Jazz. That isn't what I wanted to tell you anyway. It's about Matthew."
You're in love with him, of course.
"How did you know?"
Kelsie, I am a creature of the Gods. They tell me things, and I can tell things from what you confide in me.
"Oh, Jazz, I'm so confused!"
You can't worry about your own feelings right now, Kelsie, not with the King at stake. You need to go tell Matthew what you learned from the Lioness, and most of all you need to keep your eyes open. Delia could be anywhere, anyone. Your duty is to protect Jon, not to worry about your love life. Until Jonathan is safe from his own friends, then you need not worry about your feelings for Matthew of Golden Lake.
Kelsie nodded. Jazz was right, of course. She should probably wait until morning, but she wanted to tell Matthew about her conversation with the Lioness now, while it was fresh in her mind.
"Thanks, Jazz. I'm going to go tell Matthew now." She trotted back up into the castle in the direction of Matthew's room.
"I can't believe you, Matthew! How could you have been so selfish?" Raoul hollered.
"What is that supposed to mean, Raoul? I only asked what happened! I'm not the one that moped around all week and then let Thayet walk out of my life without even really caring. I only asked a question!"
"One that you shouldn't have asked," Gary said. Jonathan was long gone at this point, but Gary had stayed for the showdown of the Golden Lakes. When Jonathan had mentioned that Matthew had asked him what went wrong with him and Alanna, and that that had been what made him realize that he still didn't really want to be with Thayet, Gary had realized that it was only a matter of time before Raoul exploded. Raoul rarely got angry with anyone, especially his little brother, but when he did get mad, he got really mad, and now was one of those times.
"How was I supposed to know that he was still madly in love with Alanna? And besides, if he was so much in love with Alanna, he would have realized it eventually. We just helped him realize it sooner, rather than later, and probably saved him from a disastrous marriage with someone he didn't really care about."
"But he did care about her! You don't understand Jon as well as you think, smartie. You don't know him inside and out, haven't grown up with him since he was ten. You don't seem to understand what this is really about. It's typical of Jon to want what he absolutely can not have, and Alanna is one of those things. She is like the anti-queen. Even if she did love Jon more than George, she would have married George anyway because she doesn't want to be the queen, and Jon knows that. He can't accept that fact, and he needs to to be able to be happy, because the sooner he realizes that there is no longer any hope for him and Alanna, the sooner he can move on. And he had accepted that fact and was well on his way to a marriage that would have been successful until you intervened. Jon'll never be able to replace Alanna, and Thayet was the closest to Alanna he was ever going to get, as far as being in love with anyone. But you had to go and destroy things! Thayet was the hope that this kingdom needed, Matthew, and you ran her away why? So you could chase some stupid fantasy that Kelsie has!"
"That's not fair, Raoul! Kelsie's intentions are good. She only wants Jon to be happy, and I want the same thing!"
"Damn it, Matthew, you know what Jon wants and what Jon needs are two different things, but you put your own feelings first! If Kelsie hadn't come to the palace, then everything would have been fine, but she's warped your brain, Matt! You're so blindly in love with her that........" Raould began, but that was the last straw. Matthew had had enough, and he didn't want to sit there and take things like that from Raoul. Raoul had hit a nerve by dragging Kelsie into things, and now Matthew refused to stay silent. He wanted to say something in Kelsie's defense, to try and convince his brother and Gary that his love for her was not blind, and that that was not the reason why he had helped her to try and reunite Jonathan and Alanna, but it had been because he had believed that that was the right thing to do. He wanted to say these things in her defense, but all he could think of to say was something that he knew he'd regret, that he knew wasn't true. Matthew tried to stop the words from coming out, but he didn't close his mouth soon enough.
"I am NOT in love with Kelsie of Tirregan, and I never will be! The thought is ridiculous, Raoul! I told you once, and I meant it- I will NEVER fall in love, and especially not with Kelsie of Tirregan." Raoul shook his head.
"And am I supposed to believe that, Matthew? I see the way you look at her, the was you get that look in your eyes. I know after Amanda you swore that you'd never fall in love, but you never mean those things, Matthew. I know that you're in love with Kelsie of Tirregan, whether it's just as a best friend or not."
"You're wrong, Raoul! She means absolutely nothing to me," Matthew said, knowing it wasn't true, knowing that he really did love her.
Matthew stormed toward the door, and realized that it had been left ajar when Jonathan had left the room. What if someone had heard? What if..........
Matthew looked down the hall, and saw a figure in a sapphire blue rushing away. Matthew frowned. His worst fears had been confirmed. Kelsie had heard him.