Monica put her face into her pillow hoping to settle down, but that was not possible. The tears were endless. They dripped from her face quickly and were always creating more. What was this? She slowly sat up and looked over at Katherine. There she was sleeping like a young infant, and Monica was crying like one. When her tears finally slowed down, the muscles in her body began to shake. She was cold, she was angry, but she didn't care about anything. Was that causing her anger? She couldn't control it. It was as if a beast was trying to break through her body, and it wouldn't stop until it was free. The feeling got stronger until there was no longer any tears only rage! 'Family doesn't care' was what was in her mind. Monica stood up and through a picture of her family against the wall. The glass shattered into pieces like Monica's heart. The shaking turned into small spasms. "What's happening?" She whispered repeatedly praying this would all end. Carefully, something tapped her shoulder. It was Katherine.

"Monica. Calm down; it's going to be ok." She whispered into her ear and hugged her. "It will be ok," she repeated.

"What's happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?" Monica asked again in tears.

"I don't know.. I don't know.." She repeated that as if she was repeating it for herself. Who would create a chemical that would lure people to take it and become addicted just to make them feel sick? This world was cruel; and certainly this was one of the cruelest.

"It's gone," Monica said finally feeling no emotion.

"What's gone?"

"That feeling. It's gone..." Monica repeated happily, but knowing this wasn't the end.

"How do you feel?"

"I don't know. I guess I don't feel anything."

"Go back to sleep, Mon. Talk about this to Chandler tomorrow."

"Ok," Monica replied doubtfully. Talking to Chandler was not what she wanted to do. Talking to him would just bring this back.



Monica sat in Chandler's Office the next morning waiting for him to come him. It was about a half an hour before he would arrive, but since the door was open, she thought she would wait for him. So there she sat; her legs crossed. The right leg over the left leg. The right leg twitched in nervousness, but it didn't bother Monica for she stopped caring. Why had she stop caring? She woke up pale. Looking like a zombie but not one emotion hit her. It was as if she wanted to look like a zombie. The thick black rings under her eyes with pale white skin, her eyes blood shot from lack of sleep, and her smile; gone. This wasn't her. Monica just sat there as still as she could, but of course she was still twitching. Nothing would end this. Finally, the door opened.

"You're early," He said with questioning eyes.

"I know." Was all she could say. She kept her eyes in focus of the filing cabinet and made it a goal not to look at him.

"Monica, I apologize about yesterday. Joey is my best friend, and sometimes he thinks he can just come into this part of my life and mesh it with the other part of it when that is not possible. The reason I was leaving early was not for the date, but my mother was in town. That was the date, and Joey just made it more than that because he feels he needs to impress people." Chandler explained hoping this would help gain the respect. Of course it was a small white lie, but that's what he had to do.

"You're mom? Why do I not believe that?" Monica asked icily.

"I am so sorry for that. If I could do anything..."

"This is not why I am here. I don't care. You could have had sex with 15 woman last night, and I wouldn't give a damn!" Monica replied rudely.

"Ok, then why are you here?" He asked in a small whisper.



"What's happening to me? I...I got into a raging fit last night for about twenty minutes and then I wake up this morning after two hours of sleep, and I don't care. I stopped caring. About life, about my family, about the people here, about my friends, about everything..."

"How long has it been since you last had a fix?" Chandler asked curiously.

"A few days."

"This seems like your first extreme withdrawal symptom. It's very likely to be feeling this way if you don't take coke as you normally would." Chandler informed her.

"Look, I understand that, but I just feel so empty..." Monica admitted. "It's like when I don't think I can feel worse, I prove myself wrong."

"Monica, did what happen yesterday affect you? Because sometimes it can take one emotional stress to break out. Especially being on the edge of your emotions like an addict usually is."

"Chandler, what is going to happen to me?" Monica asked still feeling no emotion.

"We can't tell yet, but I do know that you will be fighting this and not completely alone." Chandler assured.

"No, I am alone here!! My family just threw me in here and abandoned me. I don't have anyone." Monica told him looking down at the floor. She wished that they would care.

"You have me." Chandler said softly.

"No, I don't have you. I have your medical background. All of your facts and all of your theories. It's a lot different than an emotional involvement." Monica felt that he would probably argue this, but his "crap" wouldn't work on her.

"Monica, you have to understand that I am a professional. And saying that I want to be your friend or that I will be there all the time, would be wrong to say, but off the record, you amaze me, and I think that spunk that you have within you, will fight this. When it comes down to it, this is your battle. You may have shoulders to cry on and others to yell at, but when it all comes down to it, this is your fight, and you are the only one that can win it." Chandler said keeping in mind that she was feeling worthless. He couldn't make her feel like a queen, but he could at least warn her of what's up ahead.

"You're right. Look, can we cut this short? I really want to just try and sleep." Monica asked a little frustrated.

"Ummm..yeah, that's fine. You need your rest." He said as she was leaving, "Oh, and Mon, I know this is completely unprofessional of me to say but, if you do want a friend, I would be happy to oblige." Chandler smiled knowing he just contradicted himself, but this was what she needed more than anything. Just a friend.

"Does that mean I'll get to learn about you?" Monica asked with a tiny smile on her face.

"Maybe, but this will be our secret." Chandler warned.

"I like secrets. I'll see you later Dr. Bing." Monica smiled. What just happened there?

"Not if I see you first." Chandler grinned. Monica had let a small laugh out and left.

****

Monica looked back on that moment remembering it in every detail. It was their first meeting where she finally felt confident that someone actually did care, but of course at the time, that was not what she thought. Monica kept reading and remembering her beginning at this place.

****

Monica walked into an empty room feeling a bit better than before but still not perfect. She finally realized the difficulty of this fight, and for the first time, she was thankful Chandler was willing to help her through this. She slowly slid into her bed and pulled the sheets to her shoulders. Softly, a small sigh came from her, and she found a comfortable position. Once she did, she closed her eyes. They were heavy like her body felt, but she couldn't sleep. Her mind was drifting to Dr. Bing and his efforts. She wanted to push it out of her head, but she couldn't. She couldn't sleep. She stayed in bed for an hour, her eyes half shut and her breathing rapid. Nothing would let her sleep. She was tired, but she wouldn't sleep. Finally giving up, she stood up and marched into Chandler's office. When she opened the door she revealed Chandler talking to that Joey character. "I can't sleep!..hey Joey."

"Hey Monica! I remembered your name!" Joey grinned.

"Oh, Joey can you excuse us?" Chandler asked.

"Oh, yeah man! We'll talk later!" Joey said while standing up.

"He can stay." Monica cut in. "I want him to."

"You do?" asked Joey. "Oh, I get it. You can't get enough of the Joey-man."

"Joe!" Chandler warned.

"Ok," he said while taking a seat in a chair and offering the other to Monica. She smiled politely and took the seat.

"I can't sleep. I tried, but I can't." blurted Monica.

"Well, why can't you sleep?" Chandler asked concerned. He knew this was normal that insomnia was a normal withdrawal effect, but he wondered if Monica knew that.

"I keep thinking about all of this. About you and about this place. It gets to the point where the thoughts won't leave and then I am wide awake!"

"You're thinking about Chandler?" Joey smirked.

"Not like that Joe, right?" Chandler asked.

"Well, no not anymore." Monica admitted. "I mean, I did at the beginning, but that's normal because all the girls here want you, but that was nothing." rambled Monica.

"All the girls here want him?!" Joey asked surprised. Monica just nodded. "Whoa, Chandler's a stud! Dude, this is HUGE!"

"Joe, maybe you should wait outside." Chandler suggested.

"No," Monica interjected. "I want him here."

"Why?" Chandler asked suspiciously.

"Because, then I can learn more about you." Monica smiled. "I have a lot of time, and it looks like you do too."

Chandler just gave Joey a look telling him to make an excuse and get out. This was wrong and Chandler couldn't do this. At least not yet.

"Oh, look at that. I have that Audition to go to" Joey winked at Chandler, "I should get going. See ya!" With that, Joey quickly made his way out of the office leaving Monica and Chandler alone.

"Why did you do that? I saw him wink." Monica asked a little angry, "Do you not want me to know you at all?"

"Monica, you have to look at this in perspective. The fact to you met a friend of mine outside of work goes against the rules. You are the only one that has met him." Chandler looked down not wanting to let his personal side inflict with his professional side.

"I'm sorry. I guess I am just asking too much wanting to know you. You are the doctor and I am the patient, I should have known," Monica said sadly.

"Oh hey! No, it's not that. Joey won't help you get to know me. He'll just ramble about some new 'chick he scored with'." Chandler laughed and to his surprise, Monica did too.



"Then why are you friends with him?" Monica asked smiling.

'He's a great friend, and I am lucky to have him. It's hard to make close friends when you work at a place that takes up all of your time." Chandler admitted.

"Then why do you do this?" Monica asked.

"Because this is where I belong. I worked in data processing for a year, but psychology was my major, and I found this place, and here I am." Chandler said.

"So you actually like working here?" Monica asked.

"Well, it's not an easy job, but it's rewarding. I one time helped a young girl who was forced by her older brother to try crack cocaine. Which as you know, it's either you get your fix or you die, but when she came in here, she was 13 years old, and she made it through. Now, she is 15 and for two years has stayed away from drugs. It was a heartbreaking story, but it proves that anything is possible."

"How long have you worked here?" Monica asked; he was interesting, This made her like the councilor, but at least she was becoming a lot more comfortable.

"Two years; she was my first patient. Maybe that's why it's the most rewarding. She fought like no one I have ever scene in all my two years here." Chandler explained. "I am not supposed to be telling you this," he smiled, "but being friends and all. . ." he smiled.

"I was young too when I started. At the time, I didn't know what I was getting into, but looking back, I think I was an idiot." Monica opened. Finally, she thought. Finally she could talk to this man and not feel awkward.

"How old were you?"

"I was 17 the first time." Monica admitted, "I was never popular, so I never had a lot of peer pressure. I used to be fat, and then some guy called me fat, and I finally took that as a sign to lose weight."

"So you feel that your weight affected your decisions?" Chandler asked.

"Of course it did. Wouldn't it affect everyone?: Monica asked.

"Well, that would depend. Everyone thinks differently, but I don't disagree with you at all." Chandler said calmly. He was happy with this.

"I guess it all started when..." Monica began.

"Dr. Bing, you're 11 o'clock appointment is here. . ." A secretary from what Monica could tell, came in and announced.

"Oh, I guess we'll have to continue this later," Monica said while getting up.

"I am so sorry Monica. I could ask them to wait. . ." he suggested.

"No, no, they deserve your time as much as I do." Monica smiled, "Bye."

"We'll talk later!" Chandler tried telling her, but it was too late, she was gone.



Monica walked into her room to find Katherine and a few others holding brushes singing Barry White's 'Can't Get Enough Of Your Love". They were all singing and laughing. All dancing in their own way and just enjoying the fun. Katherine waved Monica over. "Come on, Mon, grab your brush and join in!" Monica smiled and shook her head. Oh, why not she thought. She quickly picked up her brush, and was dancing with the others.

Darling I, can't get enough of your love, baby.

****

The journal page read. . . Things are looking brighter.





To be continued. Well, this may be the last one I write before school starts next week. I have another one that I have been trying to finish forever that I may attempt to post this weekend, BUT no guarantees. Tell me what you thought of this one. Feedback helps. :)