Disclaimer: We don't own LOTR. We want it, though. We own what we've written here with our own creativity. We wish we didn't, though.
Once upon a time, there lived a princess. However, she has nothing to do with this story. It's her squirell eating 'friend' that we are talking about here. Of course, it's not really spelled "squirell"; it's spelled SQUIRRELL. Anyways, his name was Aaragorn, but everyone called him Stomper. You know, in truth, this story's not about him, either; it's about everyone's favorite hobbit, Pippin (who likes carrots. …a lot). One day, Pippin was walking along, smoking pipeweed and hoping he wouldn't get cancer, when he ran into Sauron, creator of the ruling ring; the one ring, TO RULE THEM ALL. Pippin dropped his Pipeweed, and screamed, "Oh Sauron! I'MYOURBIGGESTFAN! IVE GOT YOUR NAME MEMORISED AND EVERYTHING! SIGN MY…HAND! PLEASE! LETSGETMARRIED AND…EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!"
Sauron, in response, yelled, "NO!!!!! INFIDEL!!!! I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!!" He waved around his hand which had the ring on it, but nothing happened. Well, actually, something did happen…
"Pippin" THREW UP. "SAURON!!!!" he screamed. "HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL??? I GET MOTION SICK VERY EASILY!!!! YOU'RE SO MEAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!"
"I'm sorry, my love," He whimpered, "can you ever forgive me?"
"…I…I just don't know…"Pippin started weeping. Then crying. Great, gasping sobs. He threw himself all over the ground and moaned and screamed whilst a river of tears poured out of his tear ducts. He ran around in circles and cried so hard it actually sounded like 'boo hoo'. He attempted to bite off Saurons leg. He is going to bite off your leg. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?!?!? If you don't run away now, your family will be cursed to eat slugs and peacocks. You will eat chicken seed for dinner tonight. A frog really will get stuck in your throat. Small white dogs will watch your every movement. There will be an earthquake which will cause your right leg to spasm and break. You will eat saliva and green beans until the end of time.
Alright…I could say more, but… I'm done now.
Anyways, Sauron screamed like a little baby that got its favorite dolly taken away and tried to shake off Pippin, but Pippin was still chewing on his leg, which presents a pretty disgusting picture if you think about it. I mean, think about it man, he must have like chewed through armor to get to that leg. Kinda, like, makes ya wonder.
Pippin started howling between bites, and Sauron started to get nauseous.
Six months later, they had a baby, a little boy named Aragorn. Sauron told him that his name was Arathorn, so Aragorn went around introducing himself as "Aragorn, son of Arathorn" when his father was really Sauron.
Moral of the story: there are reasons for birth control.