Chapter 12– The New won't come if The Old doesn't go

********Q********

    Seifer is back at the garden after staying under observation for merely two days after he woke up from his coma. Just as well… for it would be worse for his health if he were to be bothered by sundry visitors, making it hard for him to rest. I had specifically warned Selphie and Zell not to make too much noise when they went to see him. Zell wasn't much of a problem, for he seemed much quieter than his usual self… but I had to glare at Selphie a bit to make her tone down on her loudness.

    I had to check up on him after he returned for every few hours to make sure that he had taken his prescribed medication according to the doctor's orders. This translates to three pills six times a day. It was bad enough to wear any guy down, even if he's a strong one like Seifer.

    Tomorrow is the SeeD inauguration Ball, cum Squall and Rinoa's engagement party. You could say that it was sort of a two-in-one celebration. I am heading towards Squall's dorm to do the necessary.

    I'm doing this as a first step towards fulfilling the promise I had made to Hyne, for he had answered my prayer in more ways than one. And I'm doing this for myself as well.

    I knocked on his door.

    It opened after a few seconds, to reveal a slightly puzzled Squall behind it.

     "Is there anything I can do for you, Quisty?" He asked.

     "Goodbye." I said cryptically, and walked away before he could say anything else.

    You know this is the right thing to do, Trepe. So stop feeling like it's the end of the world.

    Yes. I have to move on in search of someone more suitable than he is. I can no longer cling on to the hope of him and me together… when there wasn't any possibility in the first place. Hold your head up, girl. You know you can get through this with little difficulty, if you can just be stronger.

    And look on the funnier side… imagine what his face must have looked like after you left him with that "Goodbye…"

    Yeah… what I wouldn't give to see it right now after that strange word I threw at him! It must have been a right riddle to him. Let him think about it until his brain could not take the burden!

    And that… is the way I intend it to be.

********Q********

    I looked at my reflection in the mirror, smoothing the fabric of the dress here, tucking a stray hair there, trying to make everything as perfect as possible.

     "You look good, if I do say so myself, Ms Trepe." I murmured, being rather pleased with my appearance.

    I had put on a spaghetti-strapped, navy satin dress with a neckline that plunged low enough to reveal a little cleavage. Barely supporting it at the back were a few criss-crossing lines, showing off the pale smooth skin and shapely curve of my spine, while the uneven hemline showed off my long legs to good effect. Many had commented that I have slim, shapely calves, and I decided to flaunt them. On my feet was a pair of silvery strappy heels, the straps going up to my knee, which gives a rather elegant look to the whole get-up.

    My hair was worn down, with big curls at the end, quite unlike the usual pin-up schoolmistress style I had. I wanted to enjoy myself as much as I could. I only hope that I do not steal the limelight from Rin.

    Hah… such a wicked thought, Trepe. How unbecoming of you.

    A polite knock on the door could be heard. I looked at my dinner watch, and deduced that it was probably Seifer picking me up.

    Opening the door a little nervously, my eyes lit up when I saw him decked impeccably in his SeeD uniform, hair slicked back neatly. This was the first time I had seen him dressed so formally… and sure enough it took my breath away.

     "My, my… aren't we looking good?" I gave him an appreciative smile. "You're definitely going to steal the thunder from Squall as the most handsome guy in the room!"

     "Look at who's talking!" He gave an obscene wolf-whistle. "I should cover you up with my coat if I had it with me… to prevent other guys from gawking at you!"

     "Don't you dare make fun of me!" I exclaimed, trying to sound angry but failing miserably at it. "Now are you going to escort me or not? I can always find another…"

     "Alright, I surrender, your Highness! Now… may I have the pressure, my Divine Ms. Trepe?" He bowed gallantly, offering his hand to me.

     "Of course you may… but the word's pleasure!" Ahh… I can't seem to get the tutor's habits out of my system… correcting his mistakes at a time like this.

    I took his hand as queen-like as I could manage, hardly suppressing the giggle coming to my lips.

     "Ah, but it was a deliberate mistake. It is highly pressurizing for me to escort such a gorgeous lady!"

     "Indeed!" I tried to hold my head high up in the air to match the haughty tone. "Let's go, shall we?"

    As we approached the ballroom, I felt glad, not for the first time since that day, that Seifer had asked me to be his dance partner.

    I knew that I could not have faced this alone.

    True, my feelings for Squall had lessened considerably, and I owe most of it to the one holding my hand now.

    But it was still unbearably hard for me to see them together.

    It was hard as well as to watch so many couplings twirling around the dance floor. I could very well break down in public if the place beside me was empty.

    Hand in hand, we sauntered across the centre of the dance floor, towards the other end where the star couple and our friends were mingling.

    I could hear a stir going through the crowd. Some were casting admiring glances at us, while the majority speculated and gossiped about our relationship, or what it appeared to be. They would most definitely have jumped to conclusions. I'd be surprised if they didn't.

     "I knew they were going out. A former Instructor tutoring an ex-Cadet… sparks were bound to fly!"

     "I wonder if she had a hand in his passing the exam..."

     "Why is it that this kind of person can become a SeeD? He was the one who killed so many of our fellow colleagues! What will the Garden Community come to now?"

    Comments such as the above were flying around, quite audibly.

    I sneaked a sideway look at him, worried that he might have taken them badly… especially that last comment was more of a personal attack than anything else.

    There wasn't a trace of agitation on his face.

    He gave me a smile that seemed to say that he was not going to take them to heart.

    I marvelled at how remarkably composed he appeared to be… even I could not have stayed as unmoved by those people and their brutal comments.

     "Hey, Quisty, Seifer!! Over here!" Selphie waved excitedly at us, her voice piercing the air across the distance between them and us.

    "Wow, you two make a handsome couple!" Rinoa exclaimed as we went up to join them.

     "A hot babe and a cool dude… and you've got a fine lookin' pair!" Zell chipped in with his compliments too.

     "Thank you! You look gorgeous too!" I said, looking around the group while mentally appraising them.

    The guys all wore the SeeD uniform as if it had been agreed among them… sort of a unanimous decision, I suppose. For even though it was a uniform, the SeeD Jacket and Pants combination was quite elaborate in their detail, not to mention an elegant cut. It wouldn't be very far from the truth if one were to say that it was formal enough for black tie functions. In fact… I think that they look even better in it than in a plain old tuxedo.

    Even Irvine had a SeeD uniform, for he had converted from a hired hand to official SeeD so that he could stay in the Garden with his love, Selphie. It didn't take too long, for all he had to do was perform some paperwork. The fact that he had made crucial contributions to the defeat of Sorceress Ultimecia speeded things along… a lot.

    Next to him stood Selphie, clinging onto his arm while talking in her customary high-pitched voice, turning from one person to the next. Hers was a champagne V-shaped halter-neck ending at mid-thigh, as she liked her dresses short. Her hair was styled in its usual way with flipped ends, held in place by a pair of diamante hair slides. Stars danced in her eyes as she looked endearingly at the man she loved, rejecting the need for accessories, as those were already bright enough. No wonder the perpetual playboy in Irvine could find it in himself to settle down with a girl… if anyone could do it, it had to be Selphie.

    Next to them, Zell stood with his hand around Yuri. Now there was something disturbingly different about him these days. Even though I had been living in a daze-like state, I had still noticed it. He seemed less hyperactive, less immature… and there was an added sense of melancholy hovering around him. Sometimes, he was so engrossed in his own world that even a plate of the hotdogs he loved so much couldn't interest him. None of us knew what had caused this… he refused to let on anything, insisting he was fine. Bullshit.

    And still Yuri remained all gentle and nice to him, not showing even a trace of anger at his negligence. Negligence…? Yeah. He kept drifting off to who-knows-where, and didn't seem to notice the pleading looks she kept giving to him. I could still remember the excitement and anticipation in her eyes when we went shopping for her dress. She had her eye on the most elegant little one and bought it without a second thought. Now, here she is in her white off-shoulder dress, looking as pretty as a daisy but he didn't even notice it, or give her the attention that she deserved for making such an effort to please him, taking such care with her appearance. He just kept touching something in his pocket. It makes me hopping mad… but I'm not in the position to interfere, am I?

    Enough about him… it totally spoils my mood.

    Speaking of which… Rin looks absolutely enchanting, fulfilling her role as the star of the evening with ease. What she had chosen was a strapless pearl affair with a cut that accentuated her delicate curves, the skirt made of a floaty material… organza if I'm not wrong. The hem hovered an inch above her knee, showing off her slim pale legs clad in a pair of matching strappy wedges.

    She looks like a goddamned fairy tale princess! I thought angrily to myself. While next to her, I look like a thirty-something cabaret girl of some sort!

    Those self-complimentary thoughts I had given myself in front of the mirror were long forgotten, all but flushed down the drain. Instead, my inferiority complex took over easily, as was the norm when Rin was around.

    It was near impossible to feel good about myself when she's near. How can I compare, measure up against her? I was bound to lose.

    And truly, she was the only one who deserves to win Squall's heart.

    I admit my defeat, no questions asked.

     "May I have the honour of dancing with you, my dearest Ms Trepe?" Seifer's voice penetrated my thoughts… and at the most appropriate moment too. I can't imagine what I would do if my mind stayed further on those unhealthy thoughts.

      "Of course. It is my pleasure to have such a strong and dashing pair of hands to dance with!" I took his hand, and we proceeded to the dance floor, where many of the couples had already started.

    As we glided in time with the music, a waltzy version of "Eyes on Me" also known as "Dance to the Moon", I found myself staring into his eyes and wondering if this was for real. I could never have imagined myself dancing with him before the events in the past year had taken place.

    Before I had found out that I could be attracted to someone other than Squall.

    Maybe, just maybe, this man could help me recover from my wounds.

    I cling onto this thin hope as ferociously as I clung onto his arm.

     "Are you trying to test my biceps, Quisty? However hard they may be, it would still hurt if you grip them too tightly!" He said with a laugh.

     "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't realise that I had been exerting so much force!" I loosened my grip in a hurry, and almost tripped over my own feet if not for his arms trying to balance me.

    What a downright klutz you are! I chided myself fiercely. Is that the way you impress a man?

     "Take it easy… I didn't mean for you to loose your balance! Whatever happened to your mind and limb coordination?"

     "Could you kindly stop teasing me? I'm embarrassed enough as it is!"

     "Relax. You don't need to don a mask around me."

    I started a little, hearing the hidden meaning behind his words. Lifting my head timidly, I found his face to be serious, a change from the joking one a moment ago.

     "I mean it, Quisty." He emphasised with a meaningful look.

    I didn't know how or what to answer.

    As if on cue, it was time for us to change our dance partners.

    As my luck would have it, I came face to face with Squall.

    Great Hyne… you just had to give me these riddles, don't you?

     "Hey, Squall. I think this is the first time we danced together." I attempted to break the palpable silence that hung between us.

     "Yeah…" He nodded.

    Even though he was still giving few worded answers, his demeanour had softened considerably… a far cry from the Squall who had told me to speak to a wall… and this was all to Rinoa's credit.

    Once again, I am reminded of what she had that I didn't.

     "Quisty……?" You could tell that he was struggling with his approach to the question.

     "Hmm…?" I think I can guess what it was about.

     "Why did you come up to my room, say goodbye, then leave?" He had a strangest look on his face. I couldn't quite classify it, even with my vast vocabulary, something I had always prided myself on.

     "Oh, forget about that. It was a silly bet I had on with a friend. And I lost it, sort of." I smirked at him, hoping to throw him off my scent.

     "Oh… okay…" I think he was still a little suspicious.

     "Don't worry, I won't be leaving the Garden before I turn eighty, if that's what you're thinking."

     "Huh?" He had a "how-did-you-know-I-was-thinking-about-that" look on his face.

     "I have sixth sense, woman's feeling, hah!"

    A change of partners again; this time it was Irvine. We chatted a bit about him and Selphie being next on the list. Well, I was the one who did the talking while he kept giving me horrified looks and wiped his brow with a hand. That wasn't smooth dance either.

    The song finally ended, much to my relief. I was wondering how long I could keep up the façade.

    I've had enough…I muttered to myself, and head towards the balcony at the other end, trying to keep as low profile as possible.

    I stare into the night sky, tiny powdery stars were scattered all over it while the crescent moon hung sadly by itself amongst them.

    It was a clear night, unobstructed by clouds.

    A gentle breeze blows past my cheek, lifting a little of my hair away from the face.

    What are you doing to yourself, girl? One moment, you're all flustered and worried over Seifer, and the next, you're acting all silly over Squall!

    It is time to give it up, whether you like it or not. You've promised Hyne, you've promised yourself. You've even said your goodbye. What more is there to hope for?

     "Talking to yourself again, Quisty? You shouldn't make that a habit, or you'll end up having trouble talking to other people." Seifer came up behind me, so close that I could feel his breath on the cold skin of my neck.

    I turned around awkwardly and faced him, backing a few steps away until I was fully pressed against the wall.

     "How did you know that I was out here?" I thought that I had gone relatively unnoticed… as I had seen him talking animatedly (!) with another newly graduated SeeD… Water Lily I think… while I was on my way out.

     "Oh, that was Water Lily. Speaking of whom, she has an unhealthy obsession with Zell."

    He looked at me with solemnity.

     "I had seen you leaving as soon as you slipped out of the room. Nothing you do ever escapes my eye, cos I have it on you whenever you're near, where my line of vision permits. I can't tear it away from you. Do you know why?" His eyes stared into mine, a tender light shining in them.

     "No… Enlighten me…" I was mesmerized by them… they seemed to suck my whole consciousness within, these shimmering pools of blue. I could feel myself drowning…drowning in them…

     "I'm in love with you, Quistis Trepe. I didn't know when I started to fall for you, but I'm sure enough of its presence, its strength, and what it can do for you."

     "And that is…?"
     "It provides a shoulder for you to cry on; a shelter in the rain; an emergency harbour. Even though I know that there's still another present in your heart."

    His voice faltered a little towards the end, and a cloud glazed his eyes over at that point.

    I think I recognise what caused this cloud… for often I have felt the same way myself.

    What have I done? How could I hurt him in such a way? Not only him… what about those self-inflicted wounds?

     "I'm… I'm sorry, Seifer. I didn't mean to…"

     "Hush… Quisty. I don't want you to say sorry. I just need you to know that I'm willing to wait for you until the wounds heal, the pain subsides, and until you can find it in yourself to love me, whole-heartedly."

     "You're such a fool! What if I can't?"

     "Then I'll be a fool forever. I'll wait until my hair turns into the colour of snow, until my face becomes as full of lines as a bull-dog's…"

     "I don't deserve you… I don't…"

    I was greatly moved. Here was a man who was willing to make the promise to wait for me forever, so why am I hesitating then?

    Was I afraid of giving my heart away again?

    Was I unsure of opening myself up and exposing my vulnerability?

    Or was it because I was frightened of being hurt again?

    Quistis Trepe, you're such a coward.

     "Do not question the genuineness of my love for you, Quisty. Even though I might not look that way, but I burn to hold you in my arms every single waking minute, perhaps even in my dreams. If you can't accept my love, then I ask you to reject me at once. I cannot stand it if the question hangs in mid-air! At least, give me a quick stab in the heart and let me give it all up. Or show me the way to Heaven by nodding your head."

    I look up at him wordlessly.

    Do I have feelings for him?

    Of course you do! How else would you explain the emptiness, the helplessness you had felt as he laid in a coma… as the threat of him never opening his eyes again troubles you to no end?

    But what about Squall?

    What about him? I thought you had that resolved already? He's no longer a possibility. He ceased to be one ever since Rin appeared. And you know it well enough.

    What if I'm just using Seifer as a replacement for Squall?

    Have faith in yourself, girl. And have faith in him as well. If his feelings weren't for real, then why is it that he professes to wait forever? This kind of good man is hard to come by… not in a million years could you meet another who feels so right. And do not forget that he was always there for you at your neediest times!

    Think about how sad it would be without him.

    NO!!! I can't bear for that to happen!

    There you have your answer, silly girl!

    Who are you?

    A voice within yourself… that's all you need to know.

    After that little internal struggle had faded away, I finally made up my mind.

    I let my head lower with a small nod.

    I wonder if he saw it.

     "Quisty… do you really mean it?" He clutched at my shoulder in excitement.

    With blood rushing to my cheeks, I uttered a small yes.

     "Quisty!!" HE cried and held me tightly in his arms, as if never wanting to let go.

    Hesitatingly, my arms went around him and wrapped around his back.

    I had never imagined how good it felt to have someone hold you so closely. Sharing the warmth of two bodies pressed tightly against each other, I didn't feel like letting go too.

    I bury my head into his shoulder, my arms going up to meet at the back of his neck, while his own slid down to rest against my waist.

    Music from the floor streamed in through the balcony door.

    A song that seemed to fit the situation so well, and strikes a chord in both our hearts.

    Holding our position, we swayed from side to side in time with the music.

IF

By Bread

If a picture paints a thousand words

Then why can't I paint you?

The words will never show

The you I've come to know

If a face could launch a thousand ships

Then where am I to go?

There's no one home but you

You're all that's left me to

And when my love for life is running dry

You come and pour yourself on me

If a man could be two places at one time

I'd be with you

Tomorrow and today

Beside you all the way

If the world should stop revolving

Spinning slowly down to die

I'd spend the end with you

And when the world was through

Then one by one the stars would all go out

Then you and I would simply fly away~~~~

     "I'll always be here for you…" He whispered into my ear.

     "As I will…" I returned his promise.

    He lifted up my chin with one hand, and pressed his lips against mine.

    Giving a soft sigh that was muffled by our sealed lips, I fell to the weakness that took over my body and buckled my knees.

    It tasted so sweet, but at the same time, there was a sourness that only served to enhance the pleasure.

    I found myself falling deeply for him.

    Why had it taken me so long, and so hard to see it?

    It had taken a moving declaration, a hug and a kiss for me to admit to my feelings for him.

     "I love you, Seifer." I said lowly after our lips unlocked.

     "I knew it all along." He said with a smirk.

    It was strange how this upturning of his lips had become so endearing to me, only because it reminded me of him.

     "Like I believe you. Didn't someone say that he'd rather I stab his heart with a knife than leave the question hanging in the air? Hmm…" I pretended to consider about it.

     "Hey… that was a hypothetical suggestion! Don't take it seriously, Hyne Forbid!" He sounded as it the world was coming to an end. How interesting.

     "Hah… once you've said it, the possibility remains on the cards." I sneaked a sideway look with my right eye.

    He was scared speechless, mouth opening and shutting like that of a goldfish.

     "You silly, I was only joking." I gloated, imitating his trademark expression.

     "Why you cheeky little…" He started to tickle me at my fatal spot… now how did he know where it was?
     "No… stop! I promise to be good!"

     "Hey, guys, looks like you're having fun!"

     "Ah…. Sefie! You guys finished dancing?" Seifer stops his tickling and asks in a sheepish tone.

     "Sure did. The band was starting to pack up anyway."

     Sefie gestured at the live band hired exclusively for the ball.

     "And then we see you two having more fun than we did!" Rinoa glared at us accusingly, but the mischievous glint gave her away.

     "What can I say? I am great company!" Seifer gives a shrug of his shoulders.

     "Some day, people are going to get so sick of your bragging that nothing you ever say will hold creditability!" I retorted, rolling my eyes at the others.

     "HaHaHaHaHa… you two are a scream. Let's go. The lights are going off soon… and the hired cleaners are giving us dirty looks already." Irvine said, his arm going around Sefie's tiny waist.

********Q********

    "Wanna come in for some coffee?" I asked him as we walked up to the door of my dorm.

    "Naah… I don't think so. I'm afraid I might not be satisfied with just coffee." He snarled with a wolfish face, making a grab for my dress as I skipped away nimbly.
     "Oh no you don't, you Big Bad Wolf! I'd personally turn into the woodcutter and chop you into pieces with an axe!"

     "You're not Little Red Ridin' Hood yourself. Anyway…… both of us need to rest. Tomorrow's your first day as Instructor after regaining your license, and mine as a SeeD."

     "Are you sure?" I was reluctant to face my empty bed. Anything but that… after I've known the comforting warmth of his body.

     "Yes. Now don't grate on my resolve any longer, my Dear Instructor Trepe."

     "Oh… now that's a nostalgic greeting I haven't heard for quite a while. I almost missed it, you know."

     "You'll get to hear it alright… everyday in fact, now that I'm back and you're once more the fierce Instructor who lectures me for not paying attention."

     "Yeah, right. Now I deserve at least a goodnight kiss, don't I?"

    Without a word, he cupped my head with his left hand and tilted it towards his.

    We exchanged our second kiss, longer and much more satisfying than the first without carrying a hoot that some errant party-returner would stumble upon us.

    Truly a pioneer among the countless ones that followed…

    What Water Lily and Seifer said at the ball.

    WL: Hey Seifer. Wanna take a bet?

     Seifer: What kind of bet?

    WL: How many hotdogs Zell will consume tonight.

    Seifer: Yer on!

    WL: I'd say five.

    S: FIVE?!! I'm gonna win fer sure! I'd say at least ten! You are grossly under-estimating his gluttony!

    WL: I will stick by my bet, and that's that!

    S: So… what are the stakes?

    WL: If any of us win, the other can command the loser to do whatever the winner wants.

    S: Deal. Now I will start thinking about what errands I want you to run…

    WL: HEHEHEHEHEHEEH (eerie laughter)

    To be continued.

   ******************************************

    Author's notes: Omigod… I hadn't realised how long this was until I uploaded onto fanfic.net… no wonder it took much longer than usual.