Chapter 4

I sat in his living room quietly, looking around at all the familiar things. I knew this living room like I knew my own. I knew most of this house like I knew my own. I let out a long sigh, my mind wandering back to the day before. The guilt I was feeling for what I had done had been tormenting me all night and all day. I knew I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't right in so many ways, but it had accomplished what I wanted.

Taichi was once more out of my life.

He had practically run out of my apartment when it was all over, he was so distraught. And I didn't offer him any words of comfort. I just watched him passively as he gathered his things and left. I know he felt guilty, probably thought he had taken advantage of me in some shape or form. He's like that, taking responsibility for things he shouldn't. But I said nothing to him, just listened to the sound of the front door slamming shut as he left my apartment and me, hopefully forever.

I didn't think I could deal with seeing Taichi again. Taichi represented apart of my life—a part of me—that was dead. I didn't want to deal with that, which is why I had separated myself form the Chosen. Well all except for Ken, but that hadn't been of my choosing. Though I suppose it was my fault for bring him in to the problem. When 'neechan had disappeared, I ran to him for comfort. I felt so betrayed by her, so lost, and so very scared of what her disappearance meant for me that I ran to him and told him things that I should have never told him. So when the time to break away from the Chosen came, I couldn't with Ken. He wouldn't let me break away from him; he told me that he wanted to be my safe haven when the world got to hard for me.

He never judged me. Never told me that I was going about things the wrong way, even though I knew that was what he thought. He never said anything and he didn't try to change my mind when the others were trying to. Whenever he would question it was just to make sure I knew what I was doing, to make sure that any decision made was not done out of haste but whenever something was final it was final and he understood that. He really was the only one I could run to. Ken was my safe haven. But I still couldn't see him all the time, like the others he represented a past I wanted to leave behind. I saw Ken maybe once or twice a month or when I really needed his company and he understood why I did it and never said anything. Even that one time when I didn't see him for two whole months, he said nothing when I showed up at his doorstep, distraught and in need of his company.

I've always been such a selfish person. I've wronged so many people with my actions and insensitivity. The actions are suppose to justify the means but I don't think what I did to Taichi nor Ken is justifiable in anyway.

"Have I kept you waiting long?" I jumped slightly at the voice. I had been so lost in thought I had not noticed anyone. I look over to the beautiful man standing by the doorway. Long silver hair framing an oval face, green eyes shimmering apologetically, a tall and well-built man with a beautiful smile and a gentle but firm control over me.
I shake my head at his question not bothering to remind him that he probably was informed the minute that I arrived so he should know whether I've been waiting long or not.

"You were lost in your own world again." He said that amused smile still in place. He walked towards me and sat down, leaning forward and placing a kiss on my lips.

"I had nothing else to do while I waited." He nodded and motioned me to move closer, which I did, crawling into his lap and letting him stroke my face.

"The papers are ready." His words surprised me. I hadn't been expecting that statement. I look up into his eyes searching for lies, for anything that could tell me he was lying.

"I have kept my side of the bargain, Daisuke." Kyo's tone held no room for denial. He didn't like it when people didn't believe him. He would do anything in his power to prove that he wasn't. That never meant that he was actually telling the truth. But this knowledge did not keep me from nodding my acquiescent.

He smiled, one long finger tracing my face, sliding across my eyebrows, it was a triumphant smile and his touches showed how he was feeling at the moment.

"I want to see the papers." He frowned, but nodded. I knew what he was thinking, but he knew better then to say something like that. I knew that he didn't have to do this, that it matter very little to him whether he did it or not. I knew that even if this hadn't been done it would all turn out the same way or even worse. He knew I knew. There was no reason to say it. It was just stating the obvious. It was something that hung in the air whenever we met.

And maybe that is why he was doing this…

"You'll need to sign them anyway." He said quietly.

"When?"

"Right now if you'd like."

I shrugged and he stood. It only took a few moments for him to return. He placed the manila folder on the coffee table in front of me and sat down. I could feel his eyes on me as I opened the folder and looked at the white sheets of paper there. I lifted one, looked at it and read it over. Normally this would be done in front of a lawyer but I hadn't expected one to be here. And to ask for one would be pushing it, so I just read over the agreement making sure I understood everything and that it was all as it should be before signing.

I never thought I'd actually understand with such intimacy what it meant to sign your life away.

When I was finished, he took them from me and I watched as he signed them as well. Then closed the folder and set it aside as if it weren't so important. I opened my mouth to say something but he stopped me with one finger to my lips, that triumphant little smile once more on his lips as he leaned over to peer at me.

"I'll have a copy sent to you the minute it's all done." He said, smiling. "You can trust me, Daisuke, I promised I would do this and I will not wrong you." Then he leaned forwards the rest of the way replacing his finger with his lips. "It has been done; the vows of link and paper."

I nodded. "Our vows of link and paper." Another kiss, this one much longer then the last.

***

The door opened a few minutes after I had knocked on it. I had been waiting for so long I was afraid that no one was home. That made me more miserable then I already was because I needed so badly for someone to be home, for him to be home. And then the door opened and he stepped out, his hair and clothes slightly mussed and rubbing his right eye as he stifled a yawn.

"Daisuke…?" Ken asked, he must have been taking a nap though that was strange considering it was five and Ken never took naps at five or at all really. Ken was the type that only slept because it was a necessity, something he tried to do without for as long as possible. Sometimes you'd have to remind him that sleep was important.

"Ken…" I said softly. He looked at me then, I mean really looked at me, and he became a little more serious, stepping out of the way to let me in.

I felt his hand touch the small of my back as soon as the door was shut and locked. He gently led to me the couch in the living room. His parents weren't home, I noticed, since he always takes me to his room when there was more then one person at home.

"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked and I nodded my head. He knew what it was, so he didn't need to ask. I think he kept the damn thing in stock just for me. When he stepped into the kitchen I removed my collar and placed it on the table. I just stared at it as I rubbed my neck gently. It felt so strange when I took it off…it was a feeling of loss and gain. And the word illusion always seemed to float into my mind while I touched the now free skin of my skin.

"Here." He handed me the can of cherry coke, already open with a bendy straw in place. I smiled, Ken knew me to well.

"Thanks." I sipped the soda and he sat down next to me, not saying a word. He would wait until I was ready.

On the way here I had thought of so many things. So many things I had to get off my chest and how horrible it made me feel that I only used Ken as an outlet. How he had been my best friend for so long and all I did was use him. I only saw him when I needed something and how he never complained. That hurt me so much but that's why I had tried to get away from him in the first place. It was his fault it. The minute I had thought that I felt like kicking myself for using such a horrible excuse. I had become such a bad friend, but could one really be surprised? Look how I had treated Taichi, my sempai. I had hurt him so terribly even if he probably thought otherwise, it was my fault not his.

I was using people just like Kyo used me and it made me feel awful. But my pain tripled when I thought about what I had done. I closed my eyes and I could see it happen over and over again. I had signed away my freedom…a freedom I never had to begin with.

The train ride to Tamachi had been the worse one I had in years. My mind tormented me and I thought of so many things. So many faults and problems and bad decisions and things I had no choice over. It all came together, it all seemed to blur until I wasn't sure when one started and one ended. I felt like screaming, like banging my head against the wall and screaming until I lost consciousness and never had to think of anything again. Names and events swirled leaving me feeling dizzy so dizzy I had almost missed my stop. I was surprised that I had made it to Ken's place considering just how gone I was.

But despite all the problems, despite it being the real reason I had come here. I didn't talk about my ongoings with Kyo.

"I hurt him so badly Ken." I said softly and Ken looked at me. He was puzzled, he was expecting me to tell him something about Kyo so hearing me say something like that was greatly confusing for him. "Taichi…but I didn't know what else to do…"

"Taichi-san?" How long had it been since I uttered that name to him. There was once at time that all I spoke about was Yagami Taichi but that was before and that was another me. That person wasn't the same Motomiya Daisuke that was sitting next to Ken sipping a can of cherry soda. That Daisuke had a future…

"He came to visit for break I guess." I said softly. "I was surprised to see him. He was there at the Crystal Club some nights ago and he saw me and Kyo. We were…and he watched for a while. Then he just kind ran off, he looked kind of cute now that I think about. He was embarrassed, I think, seeing me like that with someone.

"But that wasn't the last time I saw him. He kept coming back and seeing me and I think he must have talked to someone because he kept asking me why I had dropped out, like if he hadn't known before, I guess he hadn't. He wanted to know why and I can't tell him why. And I couldn't think of anyway to get rid of him, I was starting to feel cornered and scared. He's not like you, Ken, he wouldn't get it like you do and he would do something. Maybe even tell everyone and try to get them to do something. I couldn't let that happen….So I seduced him, telling him that's all he really wanted from me—sex—and he denied but I wouldn't give up and we…and he ran so fast…"

Ken said nothing as I spoke, he rarely did. He's a good listener and tends to wait until you finish talking before voicing his opinion. I was afraid to look at him though. He had been friends with Taichi, albeit not as good friends as I had once with him been but friends none the less. I had been frightened that maybe this would be my one action that could get him to outwardly disapprove. He had always disapproved but he never said anything, you could just tell but he never said it.

"I can't say I think that was your best course of action, Daisuke." Ken spoke after a long silence. I nodded knowing he was right. "But you've done it already. You have accomplished what you wanted, there's no need to look back." He touched my shoulder. "Unless you really want to."

I shook my head; I knew what Ken was getting at. I had the urge to glare at him for bring it up but I didn't. It was unimportant. It had nothing to do with the present. But…why did he have to bring it up.

"I can't." I said and I knew he would reply with a why not so I just answered before he could. "I signed the papers. I have given my self to Kyo forever."

I felt a hollow pain in my chest when I said that. Saying that out loud gave it a finality that couldn't even be achieved with the signed papers. And any part of me that was left over from the passed must have died at that moment because I could only feel the hollowness become larger and larger—slowly consuming me.

"So you're family is now free of that burden?" I nodded. "And you've taken it all on yourself." I nodded again, my hands trembling slightly. I felt Ken take hold of the can and heard as he placed it on the coffee table. I leaned back into the couch, my hands covering my face as I sighed loudly. "Oh Daisuke…"

I turned my head and looked at him. "Please Ken don't tell how stupid this move was." I pleaded with him. "I had to…I wasn't given a choice."

"There's always a choice." He reached out and took one of my hands gently in his own. I pulled away angrily.

"What choice is that!" I screamed, frustrated. "Run away? Forget my family? Like Jun!" He didn't say anything, but lowered his head and I felt bad for yelling. "I can't do that, Ken. I can't be that selfish."

"I know." He whispered. "It's an admirable trait. But Daisuke, you can't always be so selfless. It's hurting you so badly"

I turned my head and looked at him. Reaching over to stroke his cheek gently. His blue eyes staring back at me with such sadness as he held my hand against his cheek.

"There's no way to change it now though." Ken continued after a soft dejected sigh. "What's done is done. You taught me that years ago, no looking back." I nodded a bit, a small smile curving my lips at the thought of those more pleasant years but that smile was still nothing like it once had been. This smile could never be joyous. "All that can be done now is to continue moving forward."

I nodded my head. He was right, I've known this all along. But even though he said those words I could tell he didn't mean it. Ken didn't like the outcome and Ken has always been the type to change things he didn't like. He never was one to lay down like a beaten dog and take it. I was like that once too, no longer am I. That determination and defiance was lost years ago. I lost it the day Jun left.

"I wondered what 'neechan is doing." I said softly, something I asked this when I was feeling my worst. I wondered if she was happy now and a part of me always wished she was. I hated it when she was upset, even though we had fought so much we were pretty close siblings. We got along because we fought, we always aired out things between us rather quickly instead of letting it fester inside us. And most of the time when we would fight it would be about stupid shit that siblings always fight about, nothing serious. So even though she hurt us greatly with her betrayal I always hoped that it was worth it. That she was now happy.

Ken never answered that question, I think he was afraid of the answers reaction. Ken didn't like 'neechan much, not that I really blame him for it. But he didn't understand what she felt. I knew, I knew since I was experiencing it now. 'Neechan had to deal with this much longer then I had. She had been Kyo's before she had ran. Sometimes I think that the first thing she was ever taught was who her master (she always called him that, her voice was always full of disgust) was.

"She had a reason for leaving." I defended her even if Ken said nothing. "He did something because 'neechan wasn't planning on leaving."

Ken nodded, still not saying something. I wondered idly what he was thinking. I could tell he wasn't just listening but planning. It bothered me greatly and I felt the need to stop him. If he started anything that it would be over. He knew that, I told him so but sometimes Ken and I were a little too similar.

"Ken, what's done is done right?" He looked at me and tilted his head, then nodded.

"Yes, the passed can't be changed and we must live with what we've done." I couldn't help but think of what I had done to Taichi when he said that. I felt a pang of guilt but it was slowly swallowed by the hollowness that had taken residence in my chest. "All we have to do is watch all the pieces come together and see how the future looks."

I nodded, yawning a bit. I was so tired and Ken's words seemed to reassure me. Maybe that was because I had been so tired. I leaned against him, like I had done many times during the years of our friendship. My eyes looked over at the choker sitting on the table and I curled up closer to Ken. His hand moved up to gently close my eyes and then to stroke my hair in the most comforting of manners until I felt myself slowly falling asleep.

"All we have to do is watch all the pieces come together and see how the future looks." I heard Ken say, he sounded far away at this point. I was almost asleep and I don't think I could have come out of this state if wanted. Everything sound so far away and unreal. "But my Daisuke, all the pieces haven't come together yet…"

Sleep over took me then, before I could even really register those words. So they just kind of floated around in my subconscious.

TBC

Okay that's it. Finally! All rejoice! I'm so happy! I really do feel terrible for making you all wait (all of you that are still reading this that is). This story has become much more complicated then I had originally wanted it to be. I know how I want it to go but I have to do it in a certain way that's very tricky to make sure it doesn't seem like a cop out. ^^; I just hope I achieve it.

Again I want to apologize for the long wait. I really want to finish this story as much as you guys want it done. But I refused to do half-assed rushed crap. This fic is already crap without all that extra stuff. As always I will try and get this fic out as quickly as I can, but I make no promises on when exactly it will come out. I honestly don't think this story is worth the wait…

And I apologize for all the mistakes in this, wanted to get it out as fast as I could. You've all waited long enough.

Anyway Happy New Years to all.