Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Harry Potter-verse, even the apprenticeship thing isn't mine; I first read it in The Sorcerer's Apprentice by Jacquez. The story is really good, so I strongly suggest you go read it: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=687280
Chapter 7: Eyes Opening
All right, I have to start, I don't want Poppy around for this and I'm sure this won't be a short conversation… nor will it be easy. I took a deep breath, and wondered how best to wake him. I could call to him, but watching him lie there in a potion-induced sleep… he finally looked at peace, I couldn't bring myself to wake him so callously. I stretched out my arm and touched my hand to his, gently applying pressure. I saw life trickle back into Harry's face, and soon his expression turned to guilt and sadness. He spoke without opening his eyes, though his weak voice was laden with emotion.
"I'm sorry." Sorry? Why was he sorry? Was it for making me see his memories? Or taking up so much of my time? Only one way to find out.
"For what?" My voice was the softest I'd heard it in years.
"For being selfish, for not warning you about… Forget it, I'm just… sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" I pressed gently.
"It doesn't matter." He shook his head resignedly, still never opening his eyes. If he didn't face his past, I'll never get any answers.
"Yes it does. You have to face this Harry, you have to deal with it." I noticed slight surprise cross his face, but his eyes stayed closed.
"Harry?" he asked confused.
"I- oh." Did I just call him Harry? How long have I been doing that? "It isn't right for two people who have confided in each other to stay on such a formal basis, as such you may refer to me as Severus." There is more to it then that, but… wait a second, did I just allow him to call me Severus? Yes, there is definitely more to this then rules of confidence. "Nor is it right to pretend the past has never happened. You must face it Harry, otherwise it will end up breaking you… and from that you will never recover."
"It doesn't do to dwell in the past, what does the past matter? It is the future that must be won, not the past." His voice was mellow and sad.
"The war will be won by knowledge of the past."
"No, the war will never be won nor lost. War is eternal."
"…Knowledge from the past."
"What good is knowledge from the past if it makes you hate the future?"
"What good is hating the future if it will always come?"
"…The future can be stopped from coming."
"But that is helping the enemy."
"The enemy no longer exists if there is no future to fight for." I had to mentally scream and yell at myself to keep from agreeing with him. He made me question the value of our lives, and I couldn't think of a single reason for either of us to look forward to the future. I had to come up with something though; I owed it to Albus… I owed it to Harry. I thought long and hard before responding.
"You must fight for the times of peace between battles. For you do not only fight for the future, but for the present yet to come."
"And if these times of peace are no less tortuous then times of battle?"
"Then your opponent has changed and the battle isn't over, peace has not yet come. This new battle is within yourself. You must fight for happiness, because nothing comes freely."
"And if I lose?"
"You will not."
"How can you be sure?" I took a deep breath,
"Because you have an ally." I replaced my hand over his briefly and continued more sternly then previous. "Open your eyes." It was a long time before he answered me, in a shaky and uncertain manner.
"I- the curtains…" I glanced at them, white.
"You must confront the past, Harry. Fight for happiness. Open your eyes." He would have to deal with his past one step at a time, and this was an important first step, acknowledgment, at least on some level. The inner battle was evident across his face, but finally it appeared as though his Gryffindor bravery was coming into play. He opened his eyes, fear and panic quickly covered his face and his eyes strained against the ever increasing morning light. He was curling up both mentally and physically… he was losing. Shit. Fight it Harry! You must fight it! You're safe here, you're in Hogwarts, there's nothing to fear! Fight!
"You are safe here." did I just say that out loud? I meant to make him fight his first battle alone, shit, now he'll never trust himself to win a battle alone. Shit. Even though I hadn't wanted to, it seemed my encouragement gave him the edge and he needed, he began to relax. This was a good thing since I heard the sounds of Poppy beginning her day, it was time for me to go.
"We will talk again soon, do not forget what was discussed today." I bid coldly before sweeping out of the hospital wing for breakfast.
After breakfast I returned to my chambers, pocketed another of Harry's vials for analysis and re-read the last page of Harry's journal. If Harry was experiencing these relivings, someone was invoking them and I doubted this would be the last time they did so. Harry's potion seemed to work, but from what Poppy told me of his condition, it did nothing for his health. Reviewing the ingredients, I could see why. What I couldn't see was why the potion did anything but harm, there must be more to it then what is here… In any case Harry wasn't clever enough to come up with something that would work without side effects, so I suppose I will have to do it for him. The first things I need are details.
So with a sigh I climbed back up the stairs to the infirmary.
"Severus?" Poppy was obviously surprised to see me and didn't have the tact to hide it.
"Yes, Poppy my name is Severus. I thought we had discerned that a long time ago, but I suppose as one gets older the mind does not function as well as it used to." I answered implicitly.
"What do you want?" She asked sternly.
"For you to retire, but unfortunately that is beyond my control." She glared at me. "Merlin, you think you could remember anything past an hour ago?" I handed her a piece of parchment, "That is what Potter was taking, what you asked me to find out for you, since you were… incapable of doing it yourself."
"Humph." She grumbled and took the list, her brows furrowing as she read. She sighed and looked over in Harry's direction across the room. "But why Severus?"
"Why were you incapable of finding that information on your own? I honestly don't know." She rolled her eyes.
"Why did he voluntarily swallow such harmful substances?"
"Are you the school psychiatrist?" It wasn't a question, "Then what business is it of yours? Just heal him so I can get back to work. He is falling seriously behind in my lesson plans." She looked up at me sharply and threw her clipboard down on a nearby bed in anger.
"Is that all you care about?! He is going to be in poor health for the rest of his life and you're worried about his schooling?" I arched an eyebrow, she had not yet informed of the lasting effects of the potion. She realized this and sighed, shaking her head.
"Most of the toxins can be removed, though it will be gradual and even after being released he will need to continue taking certain potions and following certain procedures. The problem is that some of them can not be removed, nor can they be neutralized. Luckily these poisons are the less serious of the bunch and will only result in severe migraines and sporadic weakness, it could have been much worse."
"Is that what you're worried about? Please, he's been through much worse." This time it was her turn to raise an eyebrow, but I ignored her. "Well why are you just standing there? Do your job! Potter is missing out on valuable working time!" I barked, startling her into activeness. She bustled around her office, getting things ready for extracting the poisons. Meanwhile I slid over to Harry's bed and sat down beside it. He was awake, but indifferent about my presence.
"I need to know some details about the relivings before I can help you with a new potion." I started very officially, wanting to get done before Poppy came over; Harry just nodded dumbly. Poppy probably had him on calming potions, which was good since most of hers worked as well as veritaserum. "How long have you been experiencing them?"
"They started a month and a half after I came back."
"How often?"
"Once every couple of months until May, they became more frequent then, every couple of weeks."
"I found your work journal, I know you have been doing research on the matter." I saw a faint look of shock, fear and anger pass over his face before being subdued completely by the calming potion. "It would help immensely if you told me what you know so I may have a better starting point."
"Other then what is in my journal, I know very little. Nothing in existence can prevent or stop them. The potion must be very strong. I focused mainly on numbing agents for the brain, but I haven't explored other approaches. I don't know if there are any." I heard Poppy coming over, so I nodded and turned to leave.
"Wait." He called pleadingly, the calming potions must be fading, he sounded quite panicked.
"Yes?" I turned and walked back over to him.
"What if it… I don't want to have to…" I understood, and had anticipated this.
"Do not tell Poppy, and do not drink it in her presence. Only use it if I have not come up with something better yet." With that I placed a vial of his potion in his hand discreetly as Poppy approached. We crossed paths a few meters from Harry's bed.
"When can I expect him in the dungeons?" I asked coldly.
"In a fortnight or so, but-" I swept away before she could finish her sentence, no doubt she was going to discourage any work on his part for months. We don't have time to waste, if Harry's relivings are increasing in frequency then who ever is casting them is growing stronger. That means a Dark Lord is rising, but who? It was the question that had been on my mind ever since I saw Harry cast the killing curse, but I would have to wait to pose it until Harry was ready to answer.
Hours slowly droned by as I read and re-read Harry's notes, comparing them with other books and my own knowledge. I was building up a veritable fortune of knowledge about numbing, isolating and dormancy inducing agents. Harry had used an extensive list of anesthetics to numb himself to both the pain and memories that the relivings induced. The problem had been, of course, that he was reckless and desperate, so did not think about the long-term effects of ingesting so many sensor-killing poisons so frequently. I was quite glad that Poppy could reverse the effects, Harry was dim enough as it was, I didn't fancy the idea of having a semi-brain-dead apprentice. I also researched isolating compounds and found them to be quite promising. They were not always potions, some were spells or charms, but they all had somewhat the same goal, to cut oneself off from all magic. While invoked or ingested Harry would not be able to perform magic, but also, any magic performed on him would ineffective. The problem was that none of these were very strong, or strong enough to combat a Dark Lord anyway. The last option that had come to mind, was simply to make it so Harry would be dead during the relivings, and revived afterwards. There were certain spells and potions that could invoke the illusion of death, but as I soon found out, only one would shut down the brain completely. This was called the vimort potion. This solution had many drawbacks, the two most prominent being the vimort potion was extremely hard to make and had many unpleasant side effects, and the fact that Harry would have to stay dead for weeks and would not be able to keep up with his work or my schedule. By the end of the first week I decided to use isolation techniques foremost, and use numbing for what wasn't blocked out. I finished writing out a preliminary plan precisely a week and a day after starting. Satisfied with my work and myself I rolled up the parchment and headed to bed.
It was around 3 am when I heard what sounded like a door creaking closed followed by a light thump. Very irritated by having my sleep disturbed I jumped out of bed and marched into the main room of my living quarters.
"Who's there?" I demanded, glancing around the room suspiciously. In the low light of a dying fire the dark furniture cast long shadows over the hard wood floors. The titles of the books in the shelves that lined the wall opposite the entrance glimmered and my cluttered desk was all but lost to the darkness. The doors to the kitchen, storeroom and Harry's quarters were all firmly shut. The only section of the room that was completely obscure was the entrance.
"Lumos." I muttered with a sigh, and walked over to the unconscious form sitting against the wall. "Harry." I nudged him with my foot to try and wake him, but he was fast asleep. With another sigh I bent down and picked him up. He was still lightweight and I had no trouble moving him to his bed. "Idiot." I muttered as I returned to my bed and fell back to sleep, he'll have hell to pay in the morning.
A.N.: Okay, it's pretty short, but not too bad… length wise. As far as story and emotion is concerned, not my best work. I think it's because I'm now in unchartered territory. For the previous chapters, I've had them mapped out since the beginning, but now it's all new and unplanned which means I might get a little lost and boring along the way. Now that this plot is winding down, a new one will be started soon and that one I have been planning for recently, the problem is the transition period. I need a little plot bunny, but I can't find any! So I ask you! Can you think of anything you might like to happen? Remember it has to be a mini plot- so it can only take up the bulk of preferably two chapters, but other then that, pretty much anything goes! … as long as it doesn't interfere with my next plot, but don't worry about that, just suggest anything ^ ^ the more suggestions I get the faster I'll be able to choose one, and get writing the next chap! So please review and suggest something, anything! Thank you so much in advance… cause I know you'll help me, right??? *grin*
Thanks for Reviewing!:
LegacyLady: I'm glad you appreciate my word selection! I always spend hours replacing and changing words, there are just so many with such subtle differences that I think it's a shame not to use the right one, plus I love it when a word has a double-entendre and foreshadows future events ^_^ Thanks!
Wink At J00: I just couldn't resist torturing Sev too! And there will certainly be more harry-torture to come! (you couldn't stop me from writing that if you tired ^^) School stats tomorrow! I can't wait to say to them, "Oh Merlin, fourth year is going to be like dueling with Death Eaters!" lol Thanks as always for the encouraging comments! ^_^
(Steve Irwin is the Crocodile Hunter, and refers to himself as Steevo, I love him!)
Izean: You want it, you got it! … soon. -_-() Thanks for reviewing!
Sasina: Thanks! Here you go!