The Journal of Marth
By Tactics Ninja
Disclaimer: The characters herein do not belong to me, nor do I claim ownership of them in any way. I just torture 'em because it's fun.
Author's Notes: Well, crud. I promised you guys a chapter on Christmas and I couldn't deliver--FF.Net wouldn't let me in. So instead, here's a sort of 'mega-chapter' that has entries from Christmas Eve and today--about the same length as other chapters, not a whole lot shorter, plus the special 'Christmas Bonus Chapter.' I hope you enjoy, and I'm really sorry about the delay.
On a similar note, I can't thank you enough for all the reviews. This is probably the most successful story I've written in a long time, thanks to you all. Now, here's the story.
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Tuesday, December 24, 2002, 3:30 PMSorry I haven't written sooner, journal--it's been a full day. We've been meeting and plotting, veerry carefully, I must admit. Which is hard when you're injured like me and Roy are, since our base of operations is very small and with the multitude of people crammed inside, we get jostled often.
I'm only back for a pain pill. I'll take you with me and jot things down as we go though.
4:13 PM
We've reached a break…sort of. Roy and Mario are arguing over something, and Peach, Zelda, and Pichu have left to go get some snacks. Everybody else? Well, some of them are drawing up charts and maps, some of them are gauging strengths and attacks, and the rest are eating a box of jelly doughnuts.
Some days I wonder how these people got to be fighters.
4:20 PM
Zelda, Peach, and Pichu still aren't back. Link and Chibi-Link have gone out to look for them. Hopefully it's not anything serious--they probably just went into raptures of delight upon the sight of a cute TV show or something…we hope.
5:00 PM
Bad news. Very bad news. It appears that they're being held for ransom. For what we can tell. The note was made out of cut up magazine letters--uber-cliché!--and tacked to the room that Zelda and Peach share with one of Sheik's needles, which had some blood on it. I think Link's about to start panicking or hyperventilating or something, one second.
Forget the handy lunch-sized paper bag, this guy is going to need a grocery sack.
5:52 PM
I think we've finally got Link calmed down. I'm going to paste the letter here:
"U will give us Mart and RO and fity hundred milon $ or we wil kll te chiks and th Pokeymon!"
I'm sorry…I just can't take this seriously. Excuse me while I have a laughing FIT.
Mart and RO, are we? That's interesting, I've been called many things--'Stupid Pansy' (the person that said that one got their arm chopped off), 'Little Blue Haired Excuse for a Real Man' (abruptly had left leg removed), and 'Weird Oatmeal-Loving Freak.' (Roy got tarred and feathered for that one.)
Mart, though…what are they trying to say about me? That' I'm some kind of…well.
Actually, it's probably just their poor spelling. Pokeymon, I mean, honestly. Give me a break.
Still, we've got to decide what to do about them. Tar and feathers! Tar and feathers! No, that's letting them off a little too lightly.
Hm. Write again in a bit…
7:01 PM
Well, I think we've come to a decision of sorts. Fox and Falco, using Slippy's modified cloaking devices, will start snooping to see if they can find out anything. If they do, Ness will use his Psychic Powers to immobilize them, or just confuse them, while Pikachu, Captain Falcon, and Samus sneak in and retrieve the captives.
Why do I have a feeling that this plan may go wrong at any moment, and violently so? I have no doubts that our chosen team will do their best, but this reeks of something that could go wrong very easily.
I mean, for heavens sakes, one time Pikachu failed in delivering a letter from one room to another room that was about six feet down the hall, solely because Kirby walked by wearing a Pikachu hat and Pikachu, in his excitement, scorched the letter.
That's the kind of skill we're dealing with.
I kind of think that Peach, Zelda, and Pichu may be screwed.
7:14 PM
Continuing with our plans, Roy and I have decided that we're going to leave Smash Central for a few days and go to see a specialist in medicine to heal our injuries with magic. Highly expensive, but highly effective, especially if we want to turn Bowser and Ganondorf into piles of goo.
The only trouble is that it will take several days--I've had this sort of thing done before, please don't ask--and B and G could attack while we're gone. They might even stalk us or something, horror of horrors.
Therefore, Chibi-Link and Link are going with us, in case B and G think we're easy targets, and everybody else will prepare for attack.
Really, I only think Chibi-Link is going because there's a store that sells Pocky in Maedatown, which is where we're headed. While I must admit Pocky is one of nature's more perfect foods, Chibi-Link takes Pocky to an extreme. Sixteen boxes in one sitting.
For now, though, we're going to go back to the room and play Monopoly--the happy fun game of being greedy and trying to drive everybody else into poverty while you become stinking rich.
Fun game.
9:00 PM
The Monopoly-fest is over. Me and Roy proved that while Hylians may rule the realm of Poker, WE are Monopoly CHAMPIONS! We drove the Links to bankruptcy, then proceeded to attack each other viciously. In the end, I won, but not by a lot. A few bad dice rolls and I would have been easy prey.
We leave in the morning for Maedatown, so we'd better get to bed soon. We probably won't be back until the 31st or so, and I'm going to have to leave you here, since all our plans are sketched on some of your back pages. Sorry! I'll give you a full report when I return.
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Author's Notes on the Christmas Special -- This is just something I was thinking about. A look into Marth's journal of last year, when he'd barely become a Smasher. I hope you enjoy!
Christmas Special - A Blast From The PastJournal Entry 5 - December 25, 2001. Christmas!
Hi again, Journal. It's only my fifth day here, and it's Christmas already! These people are wild--they've got a gigantic Christmas tree in the hall where we eat, and lots of Christmas decorations up all around. I swear they'd even decorate the battle arenas if it wouldn't look extremely tacky.
Everybody seems pretty agreeable, though some of these people can be rather snotty. Bowser…a big hulking spiky turtle thing, he doesn't seem to like me much. Neither does Ganondorf, but that's probably only because I'm friends with Link--this other guy--and Ganondorf really hates Link for some reason. I haven't heard all the stories yet. I gotta hang around the girls a little bit longer for that one.
I'm rooming with three other guys--Link, and a younger version of himself (yes, it sounds weird, I know. It's something you have to get used to) that everybody calls 'Young Link' except for me and our other roommate--we call him 'Chibi-Link.'
Our other roommate? It's a guy named Roy. I sorta know him. He's pretty cool, but extremely annoying, especially when he wants something, or he's really trying to piss me off. Not cool!
He also thinks he's special just because he has a cape. I'll show him. My cape's a lot cooler than his! I'll replace his with a bath towel dyed red that has a big smiley face drawn onto it!
Christmas is okay. Mario said that we'd have a Secret Santa thing here in years to come, but that we wouldn't this year, because so many new people became Smashers just a short time ago, and we don't know each other yet.
We all went to a dinner tonight, and they had all sorts of Christmas Goodies--turkey, ham, duck, mashed potatoes, yam casserole, and even foods that I can relate to--like for instance fried chicken and pocky. They even had things like raw deer and lasagna. I guess they cater to everybody's tastes. It was hilarious when Roy thought he had chocolate sprinkles, and instead had Pokémon food. Pichu didn't mind--just laughed with the rest of us.
I've come up with a great trick to play on Roy! I'll pin his cape to the ceiling with Falchion. That ought to show him.
…there, it's done. I'll keep my cape on. Knowing him, he might try to do something stupid like steal it.
Now, I have to try and at least eat a little bit of this fruitcake Zelda and Peach gave me. I've never been fond of fruitcake; one time, a girl had a crush on me and mailed me a fruitcake. The thing was only slightly less hard than a rock, and tasted like cement. I got sick and had to go to the Healer's. It wasn't fun.
This one seems mostly ok--moist, and the fruit actually looks like real fruit. I'll just nibble on a piece…
Well it's not pocky, but it's edible. I guess that's good.
Well, everybody's here, so we're going to go open our presents that friends and family and so forth have sent here for us. I'll write more when I get back…
…and I'm back. I got a new breastplate, a nice cloak-pin, a pair of gauntlets, and a new dagger. Very nice stuff.
Now, Chibi-Link is insisting we go play video games (something about a PlayStation or something) so I probably won't write in you again tonight. I'll write more tomorrow.
~Marth
[in a hasty, scrawling handwriting, quite different from Marth's neat one] This is Roy. The cool one =) Damn, Marthy is such a stiff! Doesn't write anything juicy in here. Anyway, I found out about the cape thing, so I'm gonna do the old shaving-cream and feather bit =) can't you wait? I'll take pictures and put them in MY journal. I'm even writing this in ink on the same page as some of his other stuff so he can't rip it out! Haha, ain't that a kick in the side, Marthy?
By the way did I mention your owner is really too serious for his own good? =P seriously, today after a combat, the guy just sheathed his sword and walked away! How's that work? You're supposed to jump up and down and up and down and make a fool of yourself…otherwise it's not fun at all.
Anyway, I'm going to do the whole shaving cream thing now…I'll jot down results here in a minute.
…alright, shaving cream is in place, and Chibi-Link is tickling him. Uh…WAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Laughing too hard to comprehend properly! Oh, crap, he's awake…
AAAH SHIT! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!
[end of entry]
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Tuesday, December 31, 2002, 9:13 AMJust got back. I didn't realize that was going to take a week. A whole week of traveling with Roy, on horseback (it looks cooler than taking a car, especially since we're going with the whole 'medieval' look here) with him singing 'ninety-nine mugs of ale on the wall' all the way. Thankfully, we were on separate horses, otherwise I would have gone insane.
As it was, I nearly went insane.
Link and Chibi-Link were on a matched set of--what did they say?--Eponas. A big Epona, and a little Epona. It's a bit bizarre, as if Link has been cloned. I wonder if everything in Hyrule has a clone, and if there's really a Chibi-Zelda and a Chibi-Ganondorf running around too.
Chibi-Ganondorf, urgh the very thought is disgusting.
Well, in other news…they still haven't found Peach, Zelda, and Pichu. (about our trip? I'll tell you more about that one later.) But since we're back in fighting condition, we can just beat the snot out of Bowser and Ganondorf and have them tell us!…I hope…
I don't really trust fighting them after what happened. This time they may not stop with a few injuries--they may just go ahead and rip us in half.
I say we mob them.
10:00 AM
We've just eaten breakfast and gotten some news. Bowser and Ganondorf are calling for a match against us. But we get to pick the place. I'm going for Hyrule Temple--Link knows the place like the back of his hand, as does Zelda, and so if we call for help they can get around unawares. Ganondorf, apparently, never went into the temple 'for lack of babes and cash.' Cursed heathen.
Young Link has already agreed to hide in a building and take potshots at B and G with his fire arrows. Who knows, he may just prove himself.
Match now--be back later, hopefully in one piece (or in several, easily put together pieces, at the worst.)
2:00 PM
Back--not only in one piece--but we beat B and G royally! Chibi-Link caught Ganondorf in the ass with a fire arrow, that was a sight to behold. Then me and Roy caught Bowser in the middle of two charge attacks at once! They did have ONE helper--Mr. Game and Watch--but Chibi-Link took him down, slicing his flat little body to tatters. Yes indeed, victory is sweet.
However, they've said that they don't have Zelda, Peach, and Pichu, and we're reasonably sure of this--(having a sword to your neck doesn't leave room to be glib)--and that the Hands took them. Curse them! Curse them and their foul white-gloved…something-ness.
Roy and I are going to go get some food--be back later.
2:46 PM
Alright, we're back--with rice, sushi, some various other Japanese dishes, and two cheeseburgers. The burgers are Roy's.
Anyway, I did promise to tell about our trip. Everything started off alright, even though we were being bounced around on horseback with various injuries, which didn't feel too good. When we reached Maedatown two days into our journey, however, we ran into trouble, in the form of thieves.
Thieves flocked around us and tried to steal everything on us until Link fought them off. However, this won us no favors and we could feel the malice of them as they followed us through the streets.
Actually, I'm lying to you--we just ran into a bad flock of crows. But the thieves sound a lot cooler, right? I mean, a thief might put a knife between your ribs, the worst a crow's gonna do is peck at you.
Anyway, we found our inn, and went to the Healer--and there is where all fun ended. The Healer was this mean old…witch…(I'm trying to be nice.) She poked us, prodded us, hit on us (shudder, shudder, shudder!) and then Healed us, in the most painful way possible. I've had this sort of thing done at home--you don't need to make a person eat Bat's Wings, Snake's Scales, etc--one time I got a broken bone healed and all the Healer made me eat was a cookie, and that was just so that I'd shut up.
She also overcharged us by a few hundred dollars. I'm never going back there again.
Anyways, we also went shopping--Roy got a t-shirt that says "I'm with Stupid" on it. He thinks it's just hilarious to walk around next to me with it on. He'll see how funny it is when I bleach out that 'with'. That ought to show him.
Me? I got a new book, a pair of sunglasses, and thirty boxes of pocky. What? Don't look at me that way!
3:14 PM
Bad news. B and G are now ranting against us, along with Mewtwo and Mr. Game and Watch. They may turn a few others to their side too, but I hope not. Because then we'd have to kill them. Oh, alright, maybe not kill…more like beat to a bloody pulp. And then step on.
Anyway, I'd completely forgotten that it's New Years Eve. We're going to stay up late tonight and welcome in the new year by the old 'Four Swordsman Salute'…which means we all run into the dining room and stab our swords into the dining table. No, you don't want to ask.
7:02 PM
Just a few more hours, then we can do the running four swordsmen salute. Everybody's gonna love it! I just know it.
Roy's saying something about it being stupid; I'd better go punch him a bit so he gets the right idea.
We're also going to confiscate a bottle of champagne.
Going to go now, we've got a few things to take care of.
9:23 PM
Back! The Four Swordsmen Salute was a success! We didn't just stab our swords in the table, we stabbed them in and then flipped, landing on opposite sides of the table, and bowed. It was great! Chibi-Link's sword kind of got stuck, but we managed to get it out. We also got the bottle of champagne, but we're making Chibi-Link drink milk instead. I think, by now, that he's about resigned to his fate.
We're going to have a little party now.
11:59 PM
[in messier script than normal] Well, journal, I guess I'd better be going now, I can't even write straight anymore--I'm going to let the others write a few things inhere….
[in extremely messy script] HAPPY NEW YEAR from Roy the cooool one =P!!!
[in somewhat more legible script] Have a nice yew year. I mean new year. Heheh. ~Link
[in a childish scrawl] They're all drunk. This is funny--it's worth it not drinking, because now I can point the camera straight. -Young Link
[in Marth's slightly messy writing form again] Happy new year, journal! May 2003 be better than 2002. And may we catch B and G, and get roaring drunk. Drunk is fun. Bye now.
-~-
What will Bowser and Ganondorf's fate be, and what happened to Peach, Zelda, and Pichu? Maybe you'll find these things out next time! Or maybe the authoress will be evil and not tell everyone…you'll just have to wait and see.