HOPE AND GLORY
[This is the umpteenth time I'm uploading this dang chapter because the formatting is SCREWED no matter what I do to correct it, even painstakingly copying and pasting and making sure the formatting should be alright. So I retyped this ENTIRE 3400+ dang thing for the readers' convenience. My perfectionist side is surprisingly determined. My apologies to the readers who had to read the screwed up version! On a final note: SCREW TECHNOLOGY…at times.]
Author's Notes:
I am feeling terribly, terribly happy right now because I just watched the Devastation episode of Saiyuki. Was squealing away like a little pig when Sanzo-sama appeared, specifically at the doorway in Gojyo and Goku's room, bandages covering his otherwise bare chest and dark jeans with that LOOK™. *melts into a puddle of drool* Hm…noticed that the episode was kind of yaoi fodder for fan girls who lean to that side. -_-; Straddling and other weird situations present. *uncomfortable*
Anyway, that wonderful episode, although not the best-drawn one, has inspired me to update way ahead of estimated deadline! Ü Now, to reply to the wonderful, wonderful people who reviewed and made my day!
Vampire no Hime – Thank you for being my first reviewer! Ü
Pyon-chan – Thank you too, GO DEPRESSING SANZO FICS! Ü
Lady Ravenshadow – Thank you so much! Angst is still very much present and rearing its head to keep to Sanzo's character and the general storyline. Ü
Rook – Wow…I can actually make you cry?! O.o Koumyo Sanzo is supposed to play the key role here in keeping Sanzo's sanity but I'm granting your request since I just got another idea. Ü And don't worry, I can't even bring myself to read yaoi, much less write it. *squirm*
Missing Link – Will email and keep you happy! This update was unanticipated though since I replied to your email before watching Saiyuki. Ü
Okay, this chapter still has loads of angst, this time from another source though! A very unusual source for angst, but I do feel that it is appropriate since this mystery character does angst in the series. I hope that I am able to do it tastefully though without making him OOC.
Koumyo Sanzo still does not appear yet and leaking any more details will spoil the story! Reasons for the delay are given at the end of this chapter. Enjoy and REVIEW!
I have this horrible mean desire to use song lyrics without giving credit. =) There are so many little stanzas added here and it is tiresome to keep stating the sources but I have to or risk my sorry little butt sued off. *shudder* Not a pleasant though…All translations taken from animelyrics.com and lyrics taken from letssingit.com.
"…" – speech italics – thoughts '…' – song titles
Chapter Two: A Shyness That Is Criminally Vulgar
I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
Of nothing in particular
- Love Spit Love 'How Soon Is Now'
Goku padded up the staircase to Sanzo's room to the rhythm of the pattering rain falling on the roof above, trying not to make any unnecessary noise that would further annoy the tense monk. He stifled a laugh when he suddenly recalled for no particular reason Gojyo's comment on how their Sanzo-sama was so shy and not willing to come clean and admit his true feelings to Goku after the desert-scorpion incident.
But presently, Sanzo was a time bomb, and Goku wondered how he could recall that funny comment when right now Sanzo was just waiting to explode. Throughout dinner, he had been a brewing thunderstorm, much like the weather outside. Face mirroring the dark sky, he had kept his head lowered, eyes hidden by long blonde bangs, totally silent in a very unnerving way even though he was not acting out of character.
[Flashback]
Goku had been worried about him and had asked Hakkai what was wrong with the monk. Heck, he was even prepared to suffer furious blows from an irritated and violent Sanzo if that would make the older man feel better.
But Hakkai had silently shook his head and told Goku not to ask Sanzo anything but just to leave him alone. Hakkai had also made Goku promise to be his normal self and ignore the monk's anti-social behavior. "It will pass, Goku," with the ever-present smile fixed on his weary face, "Just like a passing cloud blocks the sun's rays for a while but passes eventually. You must understand that our journey makes Sanzo very tired sometimes as he has a lot on his mind and many responsibilities."
"But why is Sanzo so moody today? I know he's normally like that but today…I don't know, today it seems much worse," Goku had replied, confused about his keeper's unpredictable and volatile mood swings.
"Haven't you noticed that it's been raining for quite some time, Goku? Remember, Sanzo always gets like this when it rains and today is no exception. Just pretend that everything is alright and act normally. You know Sanzo doesn't like people fussing over him when he's caught up in the past." With a little comforting squeeze of his shoulder, Hakkai walked away from the shower area to his room, indicating an end to the conversation.
Goku had looked down at the floor as Hakkai's footsteps disappeared and clenched his fists, knowing that something else was affecting Sanzo which Hakkai had not wanted to shed light on. It always bothered him to see Sanzo brood excessively and be in such foul moods every time it rained. The sun shouldn't be dark and despairing…It should be shining and bright and cheery. Okay, maybe cheery is pushing it for Sanzo but he isn't being himself now…
Quietly, Goku resolved to be his usual genki, energetic self and hopefully light up the monk's mood a little. He was still rather annoyed at the fact that something was being hid from him. He hated being left out of secrets since he did not have any, as far as he knew, and because of his belief in honesty.
He walked back to his room, deep in thought about what could be bothering Sanzo this time. However, he did not get very far as Hakkai's call that dinner was starting came soon enough and his saru brain was flooded with thoughts of food, glorious food, drowning out concerns about Sanzo momentarily. All this thinking has made me really hungry.
He ran to the dining room, back in bottomless-pit-stomach-brain-saru mode again, as fast as he could. Thinking can come later, when my belly's full and my brain can function properly.
At the dining room, he proceeded to cram every edible thing into his mouth while Gojyo tried to pick a fight with him for finishing up all their food. They squabbled and bickered noisily but Sanzo had for once, been totally silent, not even bothering to look up from his plate of food with loud curses and his paper fan.
On the contrary, Sanzo finished his dinner hastily and left wordlessly, without even a backward glace, just as Gojyo was about to shove some empty plates into his mouth in an experiment to see what else the almighty saru stomach juices could digest.
Even when they're alone,
People want to share their feelings,
But it can be so hard.
Words are powerless
To express one's feelings,
And sometimes,
They become a silver knife.
- 'Scarlet' translation, Ayashi no Ceres OP theme
Goku reached the top of the stairs, spirits gradually getting dampened by the unceasing rainfall and threw a longing glance at Sanzo's door. He would love to be in Sanzo's room right now, sitting on a stool by the man's bed, watching him look out of the window mutely just like those times in the temple at Chang an.
It was a comfortable silence which settled over them then, when he would relish being quiet for once and enjoy the feeling of him and his master as the only two people in a world enclosed and isolated from all other contact by the constant pouring of rain.
The way you gaze at a spot far away
Means you're listening to the voice of your heart
And still holding the blue moon.
- 'Still Time' translation, Saiyuki 2nd OP theme
But then, Sanzo would eventually get tired to having him around staring at him and would growl something mean and nasty, ordering him back to his own room so Sanzo could lurk in the darkness brooding even more in solitude. He had muttered once that when it rained, his own company was too much for him and so the need to be alone was of utmost importance.
Goku was always wary of the time limit till Sanzo's patience, or lack thereof, got the better of him and he was chased out of the room with hurting words. Always reluctant to leave, he only earned more snide remarks from the aloof monk and then had retreated to his own room, nursing his wounds borne of genuine care and concern.
Feelings like sand
Falling through my hands…
Back then, the words that pierced my heart
Suddenly started to throb with pain…
- 'Alone' translation, Saiyuki 2nd ED theme
The next morning when the rain was over, Sanzo would arise and go to his room, then make it up to him by placing a peace offering of his favorite minced pork buns or juicy succulent peaches picked from the peach trees in the temple gardens on his table. He never mentioned any apology whatsoever; it was going way too far to even think that Sanzo would say sorry for anything to him, the silly unassuming saru.
Goku inched closer to Sanzo's door, step by step, still as quiet as a mouse. He's probably sleeping already; either that or watching the rain outside the window again. He stood right outside Sanzo's room now, his warm breath blown back into his face after facing the hard barrier of the wooden door. He closed his eyes and thought again of Sanzo.
Words were not necessary with the monk, since his actions spoke volumes anyway. It was not as if Sanzo could bring himself to say anything remotely nice, even if he had wanted to. His words, no matter what the situation, were always cutting and very direct. That was just how he was and his affection was portrayed in regular beatings and rebukes.
Somehow Goku, being the unconsciously insightful creature he was, sensed that there were times when Sanzo would have liked to speak up about what was on his mind, but his defense mechanisms were always automatically activated and deactivating them would be nearly impossible unless the whole system, or Sanzo, shut down or had a terrible malfunction and ceased to work anymore.
Imagining a chibi grouchy Sanzo standing in a tall, mighty fortress with everything from archers to gargantuan catapults to a whole army decked out in armor, scary weaponry and the works, ready to attack anyone or anything happened to chance within five miles, Goku felt a small smile light up his otherwise sober expression, proving that he could not be very serious for too long.
You don't try to escape
From the gloomy passing of the days
You'll have to excuse me for
Waiting by the side of a person like you
- 'Still Time' translation, Saiyuki 2nd OP theme
But he turned serious again, reasoning to himself that Sanzo was basically too familiar with holing himself behind unassailable walls to ever open himself up to anyone, in a sudden flash of brilliance untrue to his usual brainless nature. I think I've been hanging around Hakkai too much…I'm actually making sense and not being a bakasaru.
Aaah, I wonder if maybe one day, Sanzo can open up and stop having so many secrets. I wonder why he's like that…I wonder what or who made him become like that…
Goku turned away from Sanzo's door after murmuring a voiceless "goodnight Sanzo" and went back to his room. I hope Sanzo will come clean one day and stop being so "shy".
What are we going to find
By spitting out our hearts
We will meet again here
If that is the truth
- 'For Real' translation, Saiyuki 1st OP theme
Beyond the door, Sanzo stirred in his sleep, shifting his body to rest on his back. The rain still fell, but in the darkness which overshadows the mind when sleep comes, he was segregated from the world outside – and the rain.
Unfortunately, in a realm where reality no longer interfered with dreams, memories could still haunt and when infused with dreams, twisted peaceful restful slumber into physical paralysis controlled by nightmares, unending till the sleeper woke up. It was a gamble and a calculated but inevitable risk.
It was impossible to force oneself to have insomnia as a way of escaping nightmarish attacks of bitter memories made worse by the illusive hand of fantasy. Whatever it was, the body – human or youkai – could not continue without rest and sleep. On the other hand, dreams could be sweet and serene too, offering a diversion form the harsh realities of life.
The unconscious mind could be both cruelly masochistic and yet, benevolently kind.
Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,
So then, why are we destined to dream?
- 'Scarlet' translation, Ayashi no Ceres OP theme
In the veil of darkness that sleep cast over his closed eyes, Sanzo felt warm and secure, as if he was an infant in a safe womb. It was oddly comforting, the persona sleep took on now, even though he never knew a mother and had no real comprehension of what the role meant or was.
In siesta, Sanzo was Kouryuu again, young, innocent, naïve, and most importantly, vulnerable. He was oblivious to the fact that when he was unconscious and in the territory of dreams, his façade was rendered useless and his slumbering expression betrayed his inner child-like vulnerability and susceptibility to being hurt and he did look very much like an angel indeed. This was, of course, due to his not being able to observe himself while he was asleep.
So Sanzo hid in this shadowy void where time stopped and the musings of the wild, un-oppressed mind took over and the tables were turned, the controlled becoming the controller and the controller becoming the controlled. He wondered whether this night, he would have good dreams or nightmares.
Hn, probably nightmares. That's what the rain always brings.
He solemnly waited for the blitz and mentally prepared himself for the anticipating onslaught.
I used to believe without a doubt
That I could reach my dreams,
No matter how far off they were.
But that me from long ago
Now sleeps inside my heart.
- 'Scarlet' translation, Ayashi no Ceres OP theme
They came, the bitter memories infused into dreams, tainting whatever fallacious hopes the comatose Kouryuu in Genjo Sanzo might have had of sweet imaginings of Koumyo Sanzo and himself standing together, watching orange paper airplanes glide in clear blue skies on pleasant summer days.
They broke through all defenses, tore down all the walls no matter how high or invincible they were reputed to be. Walls only worked in the real world against people. These inanimate, elusive things, these memories could penetrate through any wall. Nothing was kept from them; everything bowed down and surrendered wholly in the land of dreams. They were the sole sovereigns and dictators.
Like an avenging army, they gushed over him and he relived that same night when Koumyo Sanzo died again.
There's too much
That I keep to myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass when we break
I wish no one in my place
- Love Spit Love 'Am I Wrong'
In his mind's eye, Sanzo, like an invisible apparition from the future, saw Kouryuu sitting settled on the floor in his Oshiou-sama's room. He heard Koumyo Sanzo telling him that he was to finally receive his monk's name. He then heard Koumyo Sanzo utter the words, Genjo Sanzo. He saw the shock on his own youthful face and the vain attempt of Kouryuu to argue that he was not fit to bear the rank of a sanzo. He watched as Koumyo Sanzo shook his head with that tranquil smile etched on his gentle features, one that comes from enlightened beings who hold true knowledge, and counter that Kouryuu had a strong body and even stronger mind. And finally, Koumyo Sanzo handing the Maten Sutra to Kouryuu and telling the newly-installed Genjo Sanzo to, "please be strong."
All the dialogue between the two came slow and fast, slow and fast, distorted by the mind, and much deeper at times, making the tenor vocals of Koumyo Sanzo a lower baritone and adding a sense of maturity by deepening Kouryuu's unbroken voice. The images too were contorted, the scene sometimes becoming blurred and sharpening again.
For now, the dream was bearable. He had a sudden flashback of the time when Koumyo Sanzo and him had stood near the temple, the former looking forlornly at a flock of birds flying by as the wind blew and ruffled his light brown hair and braid; and Koumyo Sanzo commenting casually to Kouryuu that he wondered how it was like for the birds, to be free, yet not really free because they had no home to return to.
Then he was back to the present dream, and the whole scene was stilled for an instant. But he knew the worse was yet to come, for now, he would have to face the death of his Oshiou-sama again, and maybe yet again, depending on how much torture his unconsciousness wanted to put him through. He found himself clenching his jaw and fists tightly, steeling himself although he knew at the end, he would be left broken and utterly ravaged.
I wonder where the birds are flying off to,
As they freely slice through the wind?
One can't return to the same place
As it once was in days gone by.
- 'Alone' translation, Saiyuki 2nd ED theme
And it did come, as he had expected it to, swiftly, as if borne on the wings on the "free" birds bound by no real freedom.
He watched helplessly as the wooden-framed paper sliding doors of Koumyo Sanzo's room were slashed open by sharp claws. The next moment, the youkai were in the room itself and all poised and ready to attack them.
But this time, Sanzo found the group of youkai disturbingly familiar, as he scrutinized their faces with his sharp eyes, and their movements slowed down till they were halted completely, forming a tableau.
Suddenly, he realized the reason – they were the group of youkai he and the rest of the Sanzo-ikkou had been assaulted by earlier and had subsequently killed. He had been scarred emotionally and his unconsciousness now had taken the incident into account and stored it away to torment him in future dreams. Damn it all.
With this new awareness, things were speeded up again and he was forced to witness as his Oshiou-sama hurriedly rushed in front of Kouryuu, stretching out his arms and using his own body to form a protective barrier between Kouryuu and the marauding youkais, as Kouryuu held onto the Maten Sutra fearfully behind Koumyo Sanzo.
In this instance however, the dream was different: Koumyo Sanzo's killer was none other than the young youkai boy with pale-blond hair the color of the stars and the star marking on his forehead.
In slow-motion, the boy reached out for Koumyo Sanzo's neck in exactly the same way he had in reality reached out for Sanzo, and Sanzo glimpsed the hole, small enough to fit a bullet, gaping at him from the dead centre of the boy's forehead where Koumyo Sanzo and his own chakras were. He saw the tears rolling down the boy's pale, rain-drenched cheeks, mixing with the tears of the stars in the sky.
Pained, Sanzo stole a look behind the dreadful scene and saw the rain falling outside the now-wrecked doors amid the backdrop of dimming, pale-yellow stars and a pregnant, near-full blue moon in the silenced night sky.
Turning his eyes back to the boy and his Oshiou-sama, he could only gaze in agony as the clawed fingers reached downwards steadily and swiped viciously across the man's chest, ripping open and exposing the fragility of human bodies, and stare as Kouryuu's eyes widened in absolute horror, pulling the Maten Sutra closer to his small frame.
Things afterwards were in elapsed time. In a blink of an eye, the youkai vanished from the scene, leaving only the bloodied corpse of Koumyo Sanzo and young Kouryuu staring in shock, still trying to recover from the cruel knowledge that he had just lost everything in a fraction of time on a rainy night.
Then the scene started swirling and Sanzo felt dizzy with the heavy stench of blood and exposed internal organs invading his nostrils and sickening him. Red dots blotted out the images in his mind and then turned to black as he succumbed to the feeling of vertigo and the endless spiraling of his crumbling world.
As he lost consciousness, the last thing his violet eyes rested on was the golden diadem of Koumyo Sanzo and he mused on how the scarlet-red blood contrasted with the gold color while Kouryuu's hollow whisper echoed through his soul, ripping it apart just like the claws of the boy had ripped open his Oshiou-sama's chest.
"Mamore nakatta…"
I couldn't save him…
When the dream dissolves
I open up my eyes
I realize that
Everything is a shore less sea
A weightlessness is passing over me
- Nina Gordon 'Tonight And The Rest Of My Life'
TO BE CONTINUED
YAY! Chapter two completed! Ü It was a struggle to hit the 2000 word count but I not only made it, I exceeded it by much more! Ü Angst angst angst again! Hm, I don't really know if I've actually put drama into this story yet…I can't tell. ??_?? For those of you who are waiting for Koumyo Sanzo to appear, he will in the next chapter. My apologies for the delay and for leaving readers on a cliffhanger of sorts. *nyahaha* Reason for delay: I think writing interaction between Sanzo and Koumyo Sanzo is uncharted territory and would be venturing in the realms of OOCness which is something I don't want to do. So I've been putting it off but I can't anymore.
Next update will surface next week probably unless I can suddenly stop time and write it up. Oh yeah, hope you all liked the Goku angst. Ha ha. I tried to add a little pinch of humor although it might not be noticeable. How was the dream analysis part? Weird? I had to struggle with it. -_-