HOPE AND GLORY
[Reposted without the personal rants, because I decided to take Caer's advice. Ü Much happier person today anyway because the first day of school was great! I guess I have been a brat with all my whining and moping and I get irritated too with authors who do that and I'm having double standards so from now, it STOPS! Ü]
Author's Notes:
I have been a very bad author and neglected this fic. :( The excuses I give are that my other fic is shorter, easier to write, and has more reviews, oh and that I have been busy completing my holiday homework. *sob* I feel pretty guilty. Anyway, HnG is now dedicated to MisLnk, or Ashtoreth, for her belated birthday cum Christmas cum New Year gift. Ü
Anyway, school is starting again…tomorrow. That means I do not really have much time to go update my fics since this year will directly influence the rest of my life and I need to concentrate on my studies. I am hoping that Hope and Glory will be completed by the third week of January when the stress is still at minimal level.
Enough of griping…RER, read, enjoy, review! Ü Now to reply to the wonderful reviewers who keep this fic going:
Rook – Thank you so much for your comments, they're the motivation that keeps me going. Ü *touched*
MisLnk – Awwww, thank you so much pal. Ü I'll try to do it again. Oh yeah, I have an e-card waiting for you at the missing link address. Will reply to the email via ashtoreth after uploading. Ü
Lady Ravenshadow – Oh it's by The Smiths! Aaaaah, sorry, I haven't heard that version so I didn't know. Yeah, going to take your advice and write a Hakkai and Gojyo POV in this chapter. Thank you for your little tips. Ü
bluejay - Thank you for reviewing, reviews seem to only appear in a blue moon so this is very much appreciated. Ü
All lyrics in this chapter taken from Sting, 'Why Should I Cry For You'. I'm going to spell Hakkai's sister's name as Kana although I know some people spell it as Kanan. If I am wrong, please inform me. When they pronounce it in the anime, it sounds a lot like Kana, not Kanan.
Hm, it's not good to mope in the New Year. *forced smile* Ü Angst angst angst again from Hakkai and Gojyo this time. Enjoy! Ü
"…" – speech italics – thoughts
Chapter Three: I Loved You In My Fashion
Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless falling
For all my days remaining
Hakkai trudged back to his room quietly. Gone was the usual smile and pleasantry air about him. It was raining, pouring, the sky was weeping, and earth was cleansed with the tears of heaven tonight, washing away the traces of blood red seeping into the land, mingling with the water in deep places.
Most times, he would sit by himself and reflect on what he had done with his life, his past sins, the new life he lived now, and of course, her. Kana…
However tonight, he would worry about Sanzo. He had not missed the look the monk had worn when he shot that youkai boy. He had not missed the hesitation in his face to kill, to end a life. He had not missed the regret reflected in the violet eyes for a split second. And he had not missed the streaks of tears flowing down his cheeks, disguised by the raindrops.
But raindrops do not fall beneath the eyes, above the cheeks; they fall on golden bangs which hide the windows to the souls and slide off down onto the austere cheekbones and continue on the voyage downwards, mocking the fall of men and humanity.
Hakkai pushed open the wooden door, suddenly feeling terribly wearied. The desire to just drift off to sleep and never wake ached in his bosom more than ever, juxtaposed to the desire to just make everything alright again, to go back to the life he once had, the simple joyous life he had lived as a schoolteacher with his love, Kana.
With his left hand gently resting on the wooden frame, he looked at it, at the shapely curve of the palm, tapering down to long slender fingers. She said I had beautiful hands…She said I was beautiful for a man, then laughed it off and called me her angel.
And a fine angel I was, too absorbed in other things to guard her and protect her from the evils of the world. I am not her guardian angel; I am fallen; I am taken by the dark. Yes, I am a dark angel.
I hope you can understand Kana, wherever you are now…I loved you in my fashion, though twisted it was, my sister, my love.
He entered the rented room, much more comfortable and cozy compared to the other inns they had to make do with on their journey to the west. I thought I was over her when I took on the name of Cho Hakkai. But looks like I can't help thinking of her again and again.
Pausing at the light switch, he pondered for awhile on Sanzo's famous line. The gods do not save anyone. You alone have to save yourself.
Then, if all the gods ever do is witness these events, wouldn't it be as if they didn't exist at all? Sanzo is a paradox in his own right, a godless monk, emissary of those he doesn't even have faith in. And we, we are dark angels that follow him, on this godless journey commissioned by the gods themselves. For the rest of our lives, we remain fallen, endlessly fallen, and continually falling even deeper.
"Maybe the gods tell the sky to weep for us because of our fallen state, because we have no chance of being saved. They send the rain to fall on us, to remind us that we too are like those many raindrops. Maybe each raindrop is a representative of each soul. And when they fall, they represent another soul falling too, into the depths of death darkness, each marking the loss of another soul that cannot be saved," he mused softly to himself, a wry smile gracing his features.
Yes…That must be it. She told me not to cry before she slit her neck and ended our lives with that swift stroke. But I did because she could not be saved.
I have no more tears left. So the sky does the crying for me. The sky weeps for all those whose tears have run dry. He flicked on the switch, and as the light flickered on, was a little surprised to see another figure sitting on his bed enjoying a smoke.
"Oi Hakkai, you think way too much."
"Gojyo…"
He broke out into a mortified laugh and scratched his head, reverting back to his normal smiling mask. "How long have you been here?"
"Long enough to hear your monologue."
"Ahhhh…"
Hakkai recalled that after Sanzo's hasty dinner and abrupt leave, Gojyo had announced that he had lost his appetite then stalked off towards the bar at the other side of the inn. Goku, too absorbed in his food to note the tense air, had carried on appeasing his belly, whilst Hakkai finished his food and ordered a bottle of sake.
Later, he had sent Goku back up to his room, and retreated to his own privacy, sipping on his sake in a corner of the dining area, then finally went up to his room too, after he found the bar empty with no sign of Gojyo anywhere.
"I wondered why I couldn't see any redhead loitering around the bar just now…You must have come up here already…" I couldn't see the blood-red hair that was an admonition to me…
All colors bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining
Hakkai's got that look again in his eyes. Or rather, eye. I can't see the other one hidden behind the monocle. He's retreated back behind those damned walls again, into that time before me. He's the man before Hakkai now, the one to whom my red hair and eyes are an admonition to. Fuck the rain, damned killjoy.
Gojyo took a long drag at his cigarette. "Tonight's the kinda night I want to just fall asleep beside a warm, curvy body after getting laid," He blew out a ring of smoke slowly, "Problem is, I can't find a decent chick anywhere with this kinda weather."
He turned to look at Hakkai, face straight and dead-serious. "So I came to the next best thing…You."
Hakkai blanched suddenly in surprise, green eyes widened and pointing one finger at himself, uttered quietly in disbelief, "Anou Gojyo…Are you saying that…You want to sleep with…me?"
Immediately, he got off the bed and shook his head frantically. "For crying out loud, Hakkai, I meant playing poker with you like we always do when it rains and I can't get laid. I'm fucking straight man and you should know that by now."
Hakkai's features relaxed instantly and he let out another mortified laugh, one hand holding his side and the other one covering his mouth as his shoulders shook with his chuckles.
"I'm sorry, Gojyo, I misunderstood. Your reaction was so comical I couldn't help myself. Yeah, I do know that, I'm just not thinking straight right now."
"Not thinking straight?" Now it was Gojyo who blanched. "Hakkai, I didn't know you swung that way."
In turn, Hakkai's mouth formed a little 'o' and his head shook anxiously as he waved his hands, gesturing a firm 'no'. "I didn't mean it that way, Gojyo. You've misunderstood. I meant that my head wasn't working right."
"Oh."
They broke out into soft peals of laughter and guffaws, the sounds drowned out by the downpour outside the window. He's back now. Hakkai's back to his normal self.
As the laughs subsided, they both made their way to the table in the middle of the large room, each took a seat opposite the other, and Gojyo took out the pack of cards from his vest pocket. "So what're we gonna play for tonight?"
"Hm…I don't know…Sanzo was generous today and gave us each our own rooms."
"The namagasu bouzu? More like, he just wanted to take away any reason for us to be near him."
Gojyo shuffled the cards expertly, experience had its perks.
"I'm worried about him, Gojyo. He isn't acting himself ever since that youkai incident."
"Don't get your ass all worked up over him Hakkai. He'll be fine again in the morning; just a little more prone to shooting the saru's brains out."
"Ah…"
He looked up the other man, disquieted about their fellow traveling companion, and felt a tinge of concern surface for the one his long-time mate was troubled over. Scratch that…Friend.
It's true Sanzo's got something wedged deeper in his ass today then usual. And it was ever since he shot that youkai boy and stared at his corpse and the pool of blood creeping towards his feet. Gojyo too had glimpsed the look on the monk's face and felt disturbed by his behavior but he knew it would do no good to pry into the misanthrope's affairs.
He dealt out the cards and the round began in silence.
"Ne Gojyo, do you agree with me that in the end, all colors become red?"
"What kind of fucked up question is that Hakkai? You trying to pick a fight with me?" He asked nonchalantly, keeping his demeanor calm and slumping lower in his chair so Hakkai would know that he was only kidding and no offense was taken.
"Ahahahah, iie, nandemonai."
"Don't fuck with me, Hakkai. Laughing politely and saying no, nothing. I know something's bugging you and you can't hide it from me."
Hakkai looked a little sad for a moment and his eyes seemed to be focusing on something in the distance, as he glanced out of the window at the pattern of raindrops splashing against the glass and got sucked into his own little world again. "I guess I can't ne Gojyo…"
Shit…Back to square one.
"What did you mean by that question?"
Hakkai turned his head back to him, awoken from his reverie and smiled a little. "Ara…Well, in the end, everything, no matter what color it was originally, ends up being stained red with death. All living things bleed and their old colors turn to red with the shedding of blood. Those around also turn red because the death spreads and the blood splatters, hiding, masking all the other colors and leaving them crimson, scarlet, red."
"All colors bleed to red ka?" Gojyo looked up at the ceiling fan circling in a slow spiral. "I don't know Hakkai. When we die; we bleed and lie in a sea of blood red eh? Drifting about forever…"
Hypnotized, he closed his red orbs, cloaking them in the darkness of his eyelids and envisioned himself floating in his sea of red, blending in with his own red hair and eyes, as if camouflaged, limbs splayed in curious angles, body beaten and thrashed almost beyond recognition, the blood oozing from his many wounds, feeding the red sea about him, drifting, drifting, as he fell into eternal sleep.
Just me, myself, no one else, and the endless sea of red, drifting down to the bottom of the ocean bed, asleep forever…
An image of his stepmother appeared in his mind, after she had been killed by Jien, his stepbrother. He now realized that her body was splayed in exactly the same way as he had imagined his own. So I was thinking of her all the time…I thought I stopped a long time ago…
Did you know, Mom, that I loved you in my fashion? That I would have given anything to be the one who died that day instead of you? My tears ran dry that day…And I never cried since. For you, for anyone. You always hated it when I cried…
Hakkai's voice roused him back to reality and the poker game they were in the middle of. Smiling a bittersweet smile, Hakkai gave him an understanding look, one he had begun to seek solace in, one that bound them in an everlasting friendship. He went through all that shit too.
They carried on with the game, none saying a word. Both of us loved and lost. Both of us have no more tears to cry. Both of us were never meant to cry but did because our loves were lost. We both loved in our own fashions.
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
That, "I loved you in my fashion"?
What would be true?
TO BE CONTINUED
Okay, it's done! And I am ecstatic before I thought I couldn't finish it by today but I have! Although at Sanzo and Koumyo Sanzo's expense…They will only appear in the next chapter now, and I have dragged on this fic. _ This chapter didn't go as I expected but I am still very pleased with how it came out. Hope you readers like it too. :) REVIEW PLEASE and make my day. ÜÜÜ