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Have you ever felt alone amid a crowd? Does that sound strange to say? I can't help feeling that way. I haven't seen snowfall in along time; I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel at this point. Perhaps I shouldn't think about it. The snow persistently fell, landing in mounds upon the thickly laden ivory ground, twirling through the air, blending into an ivory haze. I know it's taken for granted by most of the passerby, but I really can't take my mind off of it. I feel slightly out of my element, if that's the case. Of course, it's hard to recall a time where I wasn't out of place. It's hard to take your mind off it; this fierce cold is still fairly new to me. Which is why I couldn't avoid shuddering just then, my shoulders arched forward as I hunched, a shiver racking my sides. I quickly slid his palms heedlessly into my pockets, delving deeper into the leather fabric of my coat, seeking warmth I knew would be more along the boundaries of impossible in obtaining. My thoughts seem so jumbled all of a sudden. Maybe just led astray by the occurring snowfall, it did serve as a nice distraction. I titled my head numbly to the side, and released a ravaged sigh, my breath mingling in tiny billows with the frigid air of the surroundings. Slowly, with extreme care, I placed one foot in front of the other, continuing on, the soft tap of my boots along the stone sidewalk seemed to echo around me, momentarily jostling me from my reverie. Careless people shuffled and pushed their way by, I avoided them, proceeding to weave in and out of the fray. I kept my posture strait, resuming my path along the crowded street. I kept my vision fixed ahead, not pausing to glance at those around me. They were, after all, just civilians, droning on with frivolous banter, fragments of idle conversation filtering in an out of earshot. I quickened my step, lengthening my distance from the crowds. I suppose somewhere along the lines, over the tedious pass of time, as months crawled by like years, I'd purposefully sequestered myself from the outside. If you're wondering why, I can gather the most accurate response. There really wasn't anything left for me. I don't even know why I find myself here now. Looking back, if I had considered this just a month ago it would have seemed insane. It still seems crazy to me, even now. What am I doing, after all? I don't even know anymore. My shoulders slacked forward, stray strands of my hair toppled into my visage, before I reluctantly withdrew my curled hand situated within my coat, and tossed them aside with minimal effort. My hair always had a particular way of falling in my eyes. I've walked these streets before. Amid the other cheap thrill seekers, venders, and pedestrians, but never before have I felt so out of place. I Promptly stuffed my palms back into my jacket, shuddering once more, as a solitary snowflake cascaded from above, and landed obstinately against the small portion of flesh along the tip of my nose. Pulling the edges of my jacket closer against myself, I hurried on while the snow continued to fall without cease, plastering flakes against the leather material wrapped loosely around my shoulders and torso. I threaded myself easily through the masses, paying meticulous effort to avoid contact in even the lightest, my head hung numbly, studying the detail of my boots as I watched the sidewalk beneath me. Exactly when I had realized I'd been avoiding social contact, I'm not sure of. After all, who would notice, anyway? Days waned, slowly passing into the next. Time was meaningless, because there was no one to notice I was missing. When it came down to it. I had left, and no one had cared. Except for maybe him. My eyebrow furrowed just then at the recollection, and I suddenly became aware I had faltered in step. I tried my best to ignore it, and keep my steady pace, blocking out once more the trite conversations and trivial exchange of words around me. So my regrets were down to one. I advanced, slowly blotting out all coherent translation of the words and phrases around me, and plunging further into my thoughts, scarcely aware of the surroundings, as the figures which shuffled around me. They swirled together, into a blurred scenery of moving shapes. It didn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. And I have no one but myself to thank for that.
I stopped abruptly, my figure blending within the masses of moving bodies, time slowed, my legs sluggishly raised and fell with laggard effort, and whether I was moving I couldn't really tell. Then, with warning, I detected out of the corner of my eye a single figure jolted from the crowd around me, and collided with my form, jarring me forcibly from my trance, as I took an uncertain step back. Before the startled person could react, or continue with mustering an apologetic remark, I slid my arm up, removing my hand from within the pouch of my pocket, and quickly bent my arm up into a bow, elbow out at an exact angle, a sickening gasp escaped from the unknown party before me as the pointed tip of my elbow found it's mark, sinking into the sensitive flesh along his ribs. He stuttered briefly, before the air seethed from his lungs, as he staggered backward into the crowd, being suspended for an instance by the mesh of bodies, then stumbling to the hard ground with a dull thud. A wry smile creased across my lips, as I carefully cracked my eyes open, since I'd momentarily closed them at some point during the contact. I shifted my weight to the side, my eyes darkened under the shadow of my bangs, concealing my features with eerie precision. I stuffed my clenched fists back into my pockets with care, as I released a quick reply.
"Excuse me", I offered, over emphasizing the sarcastic hint in my voice. With that, I spun around on my heels, and immersed myself back into the tumult of shoving forms, making my way down the pathway.
I plunged back into my thoughts; I gave a soft chuckle, which came out scarcely audible, only detected amid the indiscernible shapes by my own ears as I drew nearer to the curve of the street corner. It was then I paused for only a second, briefly regretting what I had done. That wasn't like me, was it? Well, who knows who 'me' is anyway. So much for that. It was then I heard a soft sloshing sound beneath my feet, as the water from a puddle splashed against my lower leg. I looked down in surprise, to meet my own reflection amid the swirling spiral of water, spinning under sudden disturbance. I cautiously moved my foot from the center of the puddle as not to obstruct my view. The water rippled slowly from the middle outward, before settling in its original position. It was then that I took in the full vision of my features. My lips had been turned up in a bitter smile now drew slack at the corners of my slightly parted mouth. The skin was pale, revealing a haggard countenance. My eyes, dull, and distant. Flawed and vacant. This is not me. God help me, that can't be me. I struggled with marshaling my strength, trying to ignore the dark rims around my eyes, backing away quickly, still gaping at the reflection. I was still so overcome. Silent horror, the unfamiliar person standing clearly beneath me, peering back with eyes I did not recognize. When had I allowed this to happen? What have I become? Does this mean I have nothing left? When I can't even will myself to look anymore. Have I completely lost sense with myself? I have been deceived all along. I thought I had been deceiving them, the world, when it was me who was deceived all along. An actor took the place of me. Have I been blind? Or lost? Lost within myself and my own mind? Whatever happened to that person I used to know so long ago? Whose eyes could cleverly conceal anything? I could easily fool them all, couldn't I? One grin, could trick them all. It was all in fun, quips and jests, and wiles. A subtle smile was all it took, always suggesting something more. But it was all just manipulation, wasn't it? It was alarming at times yet; I shrugged it off easily, because it wasn't really me. It blended with me, but this is not really who I am. It was all so different then. You would not understand, this is not who I am. This worn out facade, have I lost the will to conceal it? I feel so old in my shoes. What am I supposed to do? Somewhere along the line, this mask had faded to a resolve. What I choose is my choice, but given the chance, I would change if I could. I took an uncertain step back, those hollow eyes followed, never breaking the gaze, even as I spitefully kicked my foot forward at the settled pool, causing the water to spray up at all sides around my lower foreleg, as I stamped out the image. I will not accept this. It can't be possible. I dredged forward, beyond the spray of water droplets created by my step. I forcibly ripped my palms from within my jacket, processed my next steps across the concrete to the street corner, and raised one arm numbly to hail a cab.
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Have you ever felt alone amid a crowd? Does that sound strange to say? I can't help feeling that way. I haven't seen snowfall in along time; I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel at this point. Perhaps I shouldn't think about it. The snow persistently fell, landing in mounds upon the thickly laden ivory ground, twirling through the air, blending into an ivory haze. I know it's taken for granted by most of the passerby, but I really can't take my mind off of it. I feel slightly out of my element, if that's the case. Of course, it's hard to recall a time where I wasn't out of place. It's hard to take your mind off it; this fierce cold is still fairly new to me. Which is why I couldn't avoid shuddering just then, my shoulders arched forward as I hunched, a shiver racking my sides. I quickly slid his palms heedlessly into my pockets, delving deeper into the leather fabric of my coat, seeking warmth I knew would be more along the boundaries of impossible in obtaining. My thoughts seem so jumbled all of a sudden. Maybe just led astray by the occurring snowfall, it did serve as a nice distraction. I titled my head numbly to the side, and released a ravaged sigh, my breath mingling in tiny billows with the frigid air of the surroundings. Slowly, with extreme care, I placed one foot in front of the other, continuing on, the soft tap of my boots along the stone sidewalk seemed to echo around me, momentarily jostling me from my reverie. Careless people shuffled and pushed their way by, I avoided them, proceeding to weave in and out of the fray. I kept my posture strait, resuming my path along the crowded street. I kept my vision fixed ahead, not pausing to glance at those around me. They were, after all, just civilians, droning on with frivolous banter, fragments of idle conversation filtering in an out of earshot. I quickened my step, lengthening my distance from the crowds. I suppose somewhere along the lines, over the tedious pass of time, as months crawled by like years, I'd purposefully sequestered myself from the outside. If you're wondering why, I can gather the most accurate response. There really wasn't anything left for me. I don't even know why I find myself here now. Looking back, if I had considered this just a month ago it would have seemed insane. It still seems crazy to me, even now. What am I doing, after all? I don't even know anymore. My shoulders slacked forward, stray strands of my hair toppled into my visage, before I reluctantly withdrew my curled hand situated within my coat, and tossed them aside with minimal effort. My hair always had a particular way of falling in my eyes. I've walked these streets before. Amid the other cheap thrill seekers, venders, and pedestrians, but never before have I felt so out of place. I Promptly stuffed my palms back into my jacket, shuddering once more, as a solitary snowflake cascaded from above, and landed obstinately against the small portion of flesh along the tip of my nose. Pulling the edges of my jacket closer against myself, I hurried on while the snow continued to fall without cease, plastering flakes against the leather material wrapped loosely around my shoulders and torso. I threaded myself easily through the masses, paying meticulous effort to avoid contact in even the lightest, my head hung numbly, studying the detail of my boots as I watched the sidewalk beneath me. Exactly when I had realized I'd been avoiding social contact, I'm not sure of. After all, who would notice, anyway? Days waned, slowly passing into the next. Time was meaningless, because there was no one to notice I was missing. When it came down to it. I had left, and no one had cared. Except for maybe him. My eyebrow furrowed just then at the recollection, and I suddenly became aware I had faltered in step. I tried my best to ignore it, and keep my steady pace, blocking out once more the trite conversations and trivial exchange of words around me. So my regrets were down to one. I advanced, slowly blotting out all coherent translation of the words and phrases around me, and plunging further into my thoughts, scarcely aware of the surroundings, as the figures which shuffled around me. They swirled together, into a blurred scenery of moving shapes. It didn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. And I have no one but myself to thank for that.
I stopped abruptly, my figure blending within the masses of moving bodies, time slowed, my legs sluggishly raised and fell with laggard effort, and whether I was moving I couldn't really tell. Then, with warning, I detected out of the corner of my eye a single figure jolted from the crowd around me, and collided with my form, jarring me forcibly from my trance, as I took an uncertain step back. Before the startled person could react, or continue with mustering an apologetic remark, I slid my arm up, removing my hand from within the pouch of my pocket, and quickly bent my arm up into a bow, elbow out at an exact angle, a sickening gasp escaped from the unknown party before me as the pointed tip of my elbow found it's mark, sinking into the sensitive flesh along his ribs. He stuttered briefly, before the air seethed from his lungs, as he staggered backward into the crowd, being suspended for an instance by the mesh of bodies, then stumbling to the hard ground with a dull thud. A wry smile creased across my lips, as I carefully cracked my eyes open, since I'd momentarily closed them at some point during the contact. I shifted my weight to the side, my eyes darkened under the shadow of my bangs, concealing my features with eerie precision. I stuffed my clenched fists back into my pockets with care, as I released a quick reply.
"Excuse me", I offered, over emphasizing the sarcastic hint in my voice. With that, I spun around on my heels, and immersed myself back into the tumult of shoving forms, making my way down the pathway.
I plunged back into my thoughts; I gave a soft chuckle, which came out scarcely audible, only detected amid the indiscernible shapes by my own ears as I drew nearer to the curve of the street corner. It was then I paused for only a second, briefly regretting what I had done. That wasn't like me, was it? Well, who knows who 'me' is anyway. So much for that. It was then I heard a soft sloshing sound beneath my feet, as the water from a puddle splashed against my lower leg. I looked down in surprise, to meet my own reflection amid the swirling spiral of water, spinning under sudden disturbance. I cautiously moved my foot from the center of the puddle as not to obstruct my view. The water rippled slowly from the middle outward, before settling in its original position. It was then that I took in the full vision of my features. My lips had been turned up in a bitter smile now drew slack at the corners of my slightly parted mouth. The skin was pale, revealing a haggard countenance. My eyes, dull, and distant. Flawed and vacant. This is not me. God help me, that can't be me. I struggled with marshaling my strength, trying to ignore the dark rims around my eyes, backing away quickly, still gaping at the reflection. I was still so overcome. Silent horror, the unfamiliar person standing clearly beneath me, peering back with eyes I did not recognize. When had I allowed this to happen? What have I become? Does this mean I have nothing left? When I can't even will myself to look anymore. Have I completely lost sense with myself? I have been deceived all along. I thought I had been deceiving them, the world, when it was me who was deceived all along. An actor took the place of me. Have I been blind? Or lost? Lost within myself and my own mind? Whatever happened to that person I used to know so long ago? Whose eyes could cleverly conceal anything? I could easily fool them all, couldn't I? One grin, could trick them all. It was all in fun, quips and jests, and wiles. A subtle smile was all it took, always suggesting something more. But it was all just manipulation, wasn't it? It was alarming at times yet; I shrugged it off easily, because it wasn't really me. It blended with me, but this is not really who I am. It was all so different then. You would not understand, this is not who I am. This worn out facade, have I lost the will to conceal it? I feel so old in my shoes. What am I supposed to do? Somewhere along the line, this mask had faded to a resolve. What I choose is my choice, but given the chance, I would change if I could. I took an uncertain step back, those hollow eyes followed, never breaking the gaze, even as I spitefully kicked my foot forward at the settled pool, causing the water to spray up at all sides around my lower foreleg, as I stamped out the image. I will not accept this. It can't be possible. I dredged forward, beyond the spray of water droplets created by my step. I forcibly ripped my palms from within my jacket, processed my next steps across the concrete to the street corner, and raised one arm numbly to hail a cab.
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