This is dedicated to my good friend Kristyn who introduced me to Fushigi Yugi. You know me a lot better then I thought you would. Thanks. I'm sorry it couldn't have been a happier fic.
What If?
I sat alone in darkness, only lit by small flames from candles. The tray of food that had been brought to me sat on the table in my room untouched. Food was definitely the last thing on my mind. My own mind was torched and resembled this cold, dark room.
Every now and then a cold breeze would come. It felt like ice on my skin, but still I refused anything given to me. I sat there in my school uniform with no means of making myself any warmer.
"Miaka!" I screamed loudly. She had to hear me. She had to.
I heard her, I thought to myself. We have to still have the same connection, but how could we? It has been over a month and she still has not heard me.
I looked once more at my uniform. It has been torn and stained beyond repair-at least in my mind. The pain and memory only mocked me even further. Why me? I speculated to myself with pity and disdain. Why me!? What have I done to deserve this? I looked down at the small traces of blood left on my uniform. I even chanced to look at the scars on my legs, but had to quickly turn away. Slowly, I started to removed my jacket, but then stopped. More blood would not hurt anything or make it worse.
I hesitantly picked up the glass cup from my tray of food. For the longest time, I just sat there looking at it. Finally, I hurled it toward the wall, shattering it into pieces.
What if I had been the first to read the book instead of Miaka? I wondered with tears.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I sat down at the table and opened the book. Slowly, I started to read and then I was transported to the outskirts of Konan like before. It was quiet and peaceful. The air smelled fresh. Trees were spread sporadically about. I was standing on the small dirt road where Miaka and I were when we first appeared.
My mind quickly wondered to Tamahome, the guy that had saved Miaka and me. I needed to find him. My heart told me to. I started to follow the road to Konan. He had to be there.
After walking a few minutes, I heard a wagon coming up behind me. It was a few men with a cart loaded with different kinds of treasures: furniture, clothes, jewelry, scrolls, paintings, and more. They seemed to slow a bit behind me. I took a quick look back at them. Despite what they seemed to carry with them, they looked ragged. Their clothes were ripped, and their hair unruly. Their faces were stained with dirt, and each had a scar here or there. The smell of must and alcohol mixed together and came to my nose unwillingly making me nauseated.
Was I going the right way? Was there a town close by if I kept following this path? I could not chance being by myself with them following me? What if they were bandits? There was no one to ask for directions. I had to take the chance of talking to them. Slowly, I turned around. They had already stopped as if anticipating me to also.
"Is this the way to the closest town?" I asked quickly.
"What do you need to know that for?" A big, burly man asked me. He was riding on one of the horses that accompanied the wagon.
"I am looking for someone," I responded softly. "His name is Tamahome."
"What do you need to look for some other guy for?" This time a slim man asked with a cold smile on his face.
"Look at her clothes," The man who was driving the wagon said. "She has to be from somewhere else. I bet we could make some money with those clothes."
My heart stopped and started. "Is this the way to Konan?" I asked trying to act brave.
Before I knew what was happening, the slim one quickly grabbed me by the arm. "Why don't you stay here for a while, huh?"
"Let me go!" I screamed trying to pull my arm away. "Help!"
I could in no way get my arm away, so I stepped toward him and quickly brought my knee to his crouch. He screamed out and let me go and I started to run. I did not get far before the other man on the horse caught up to me and grabbed me by my hair. I could not fight back because he was behind me and too high. Suddenly, I heard him groan and his grip on me loosened.
I pulled myself away and turned around to see Tamahome. My heart quickly leaped for joy. Here he was saving me again.
"It is a shame when three men have to jump on one girl," Tamahome told them.
Tamahome punched the man on the horse sending him to the ground paralyzed with pain. The slim one whom I had kneed gained his composure and rushed toward Tamahome. Tamahome dodged him and sent him reeling with a kick into the side of the wagon.
"You are going to regret that," the man driving the wagon informed Tamahome when he pulled out a knife.
Tamahome readied himself for the attack. The man took a swipe at him hoping to cut him, but Tamahome dodged him. It continued like that until Tamahome found an opening and punched the man in his gut. Then, he came around with a kick to the head sending his opponent to the ground.
Tamahome turned to me with a reprimanding face. "What are you doing back here?"
"I came to see Konan," I answered, "and to find you." I chanced saying.
"What is wrong with you?" He said in reply. "This time you are all alone too. You should try to be careful."
Tamahome lost the look on his face and replaced it with one of thought. "You most likely do not have any money." He looked over to the wagon. "I guess I will just help myself to some of the stuff in this wagon." He walked over to the wagon and picked some of the more expensive looking things.
"Be careful," Tamahome warned before he started to walk off.
"Wait!" I called to him.
He turned around. "Now what?" He asked with annoyance in his voice.
"I want to thank you for saving me," I told him.
"A nice thank you would be money or anything valuable you might have."
"I also want to thank you for saving my friend and me. What about this?" Throwing reason to the wind, I quickly kissed Tamahome on the lips. I lingered there for a while, and when I pulled back he had a stunned look on his face.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I wish I would have been able to actually kiss Tamahome once, I thought to myself. What if he and I were together?
I walked over to the shattered glass and picked up a sharp piece.
"But I didn't kiss him," I told myself, "and I cannot live on dreams and wondering about what could have happened. Dreaming is only making me feel worse. I don't want to feel anything!"
I grasped the glass tightly in my hand. I have not seen Tamahome once since I came here, I reasoned with myself. I have been abused and had my innocence taken from me. I have been refused rescue. Nobody is coming for me.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Miaka come back!" I screamed.
Suddenly, there was a bright light and I was in this strange city. I was not in the library anymore. I was back in the book! I quickly ran to the nearest person.
"Where am I?" I asked.
"You are in Kutou." The person responded.
I quickly muttered a thank you and walked away. "Miaka!" I screamed as I wondered through the city. I went on like this for hours wondering through the city waiting for her to hear me, for her to come and save me. People stared at me like I was crazy. I couldn't help the tears from coming down my eyes. She had to hear.
I walked through the city not paying attention to where I was. Was anybody looking for me? Did Miaka even look for me? Was she trying to come and get me? These thoughts wondered through my mind with every passing minute.
My eyes were on the ground while I was wondering about how I was going to get home. I took a turned and walked a little farther. When I looked up, I noticed I was in an alley. I turned to go the other way, but stopped when I saw the men standing in front of me. I couldn't breathe. There wasn't anybody behind me when I came down the alley. They had snuck up behind me. My head was sending off alarms, but I was paralyzed. I couldn't moving and heart stalled.
"Hey there," one of them said as he stepped up to me. His breath smelled of alcohol. He was drunk-they all probably were.
"Miaka," I whispered.
"You're quite pretty," another said. "Why don't you have some fun with us?"
The other one came up behind me and grabbed both my arms.
I quickly let out a scream and tried to fight back. I was thrown to the ground where I was jumped on to by one of the men. I tried to hit and scream to get him off of me with all my might. I was trapped with these men holding me down and touching me everywhere.
"Help me!" I screamed. "Miaka!" She had to hear me, to feel what was happening to me, like I felt her.
They started to pull my uniform away from me. My clothes were being ripped and thrown away to expose my body. I couldn't fight back. I was helpless. One of them pulled on my underwear and ripped them away. Panic now seized me even more. I tried started to fight for dear life, but nothing worked. They seemed immune to my hits and loud screams. I was pinned to the ground and could only wait for the worse to come.
Suddenly, pain filled me in the worse place possible. One of them entered me and started to rip away at my insides. I was crippled and all fight had ceased. I could feel the blood coming down my leg. I was defiled in the worse possible way, and it wasn't ending. I was moving, but not to my own accord. It was a horrible moving that I wished would end.
Before I blacked out I could hear myself yelling. "Miaka! Help!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Did she feel what I felt that day? I wondered. What if that didn't happen?
I looked at the glass in my hand. Then, I looked at my wrists. I brought the glass to my wrist.
What if that didn't happen? What if we had never found that book? What if I didn't have to take my own life?
I quickly cut my wrist. I ignored the pain and went to the next wrist and split it. I let myself fall to the floor. Blood flowed freely out of my veins soaking my uniform in more blood. It was only just one more memory that I would be able to forfeit attached to this uniform when I died.