Title: Worried, Part 4
Author: AutumnRain
Email: autumnrain4@yahoo.com
Category: H/M
Rating: G
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to DB and others. Just borrowing them.
Feedback: please, any kind, good or bad, it is appreciated
Archive: You can find this story and others I have written at:
http://www.Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain
or
http://btlarchive.topcities.com/
USS Seahawk
0400
Mac's Cabin
I am terrified. There is a little voice telling me that this is the last chance I am going to have to set things right with Mac, and yet here I stand, just watching the tears fall down her face unsure of what to do next. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and kiss all her tears away, but can't seem to move from this spot. I have to congratulate myself though, although I did run earlier, I was running after her, and I haven't yet taken a step back to unlock that hatch. I fleetingly wish it was locked from the outside as a precaution that I don't do that, or Mac doesn't. She seems to have a penchant for fleeing out the hatch just as I am on the brink of being able to do what she desperately wants from me.
Neither of us can run this time. I honestly don't think either one of us would survive- at least our friendship wouldn't. Despite this knowledge, I still haven't moved. Mac is sitting on her bunk, tears are still streaming down her face, her eyes staring at some point above my right shoulder, carefully avoiding my gaze. I wait for her to say something, yell at me, throw something at me, anything…she has always been the one to let her feelings show, to try to open up to me, but I realize she isn't going to this time. I don't blame her, but it doesn't make the words come out of my mouth any easier. I want to tell her I love her, that she is the reason I get up in the morning and come to work, that she is the only person I have ever let get this close to me. I just don't know how. I am such a sorry excuse for a fighter pilot, we are supposed to be able to think quickly and execute those decisions in a split second. I make an even sorrier lawyer…where is my gift of language and persuasion when I need it the most?
Think quickly and execute… yes, that is it- my first thought when I entered her cabin. I cross the floor and kneel in front of her. Startled she sits up straight and tries to back away, but I won't let her. I take her in my arms and pull her against me, not leaving any room for her to wiggle out of my grasp.
"Let me go Commander" she sobs and struggles against me.
"Shhhhh, not yet Sarah" my throat tightens and I feel tears threatening my eyes, "I didn't mean to scare you like that…I knew you were worried. I was worried too, afraid you would be, that I would leave…." I can't say another word, my voice won't work and my tears are falling just as fast as hers. I wasn't so much afraid for myself crashing or having to bail out over enemy held territory, my thoughts were all on Mac. I didn't know what made it worse- the fact that I might never get to tell her how I feel about her, or despite my never telling her how I felt, I was going to abandon her, just the way my grandfather did my grandmother and my father did my mother and I- knowing that it would impact her just as much as it did them. All my reasoning for not letting a woman get to close to me out the window because despite our never coming out and saying 'I love you' I know she did and I was such an ass for trying to ignore that fact, managing at times to completely believe she didn't love me and at the same time convincing her that I didn't love her.
She has put her arms around me, hugging me tight. I savored this embrace, knowing that sooner or later she was going to pull away from me and I will have to find the words to tell her how I feel, no backing away, no cryptic phrases.
"Harm"
I just didn't expect it this soon…at least I am 'Harm' and not 'Commander'. I pull back just a bit, she is still in my arms, but I can look at her. If I keep her in my arms I will be able to do this. I see her eyes widen at the tears on my face and she reaches up and with a thumb, wipes them away. I smile at her so-familiar gesture and return it. I take her hand and hold it over my heart. My gaze drops to our hands.
"It's yours, you know." Her eyes widen even further, and I am even a bit shocked at my words. It is the gist of what I want her to know, but I hadn't planned for it to come out like that, there is so much more we should discuss, so many of our actions that needed translation- the correct translation before either of us made any declaration of that magnitude. "Well…, that is, I mean…." I let go of her and stand up, I try to back- peddle on instinct before I can tell myself to keep my mouth shut and my body still. I see her heart break all over again in her eyes.
"Go Harm. Just go. I need honesty if you can't or won't give it to me, just go." She whispers as she stands up and walks to the opposite end of the cabin with her back to me.
"No, Sarah, not this time. You want honesty? Fine. I'm afraid. If I walk out that hatch 'we' whatever 'we' are is finished and I don't want that, but if 'we' do this, I am afraid I will hurt you or I will lose you. I feel like I am up shit creek without a paddle here Mac." She wants honesty? Then she is going to get it. I know she is hurting and I have been the cause of it, but just as she really wasn't the only one crying that day I left to go back to flying, she isn't the only one here in pain as I am not the only one here who has caused it.
"Thanks Harm, I didn't know you felt so highly of me. I should have though, you said it once…'any man she has been involved with is either dead or felt like he was'" she parrots my inconsiderate words I had said to Sturgis "You think you feel like your up shit creek? Let me tell you Harm, the feeling is mutual. Somehow I am losing my best friend because I was afraid for him and it really hurts…. Why couldn't you just have left me alone tonight? You always seem to dodge out of our 'hallmark' moments, why now Harm?" she spins around to face me, her voice full of anguish and her eyes flashing with anger.
All my angry resolve flies out the window. I can't stand to see her hurting, and although she needs to know I am hurting too, I can't be vindictive about it.
"I just told you, if I walked away tonight, yes we would be spared 'this', but I know I would lose 'us'. It hurts me too Mac- either way. If I stayed in my cabin tonight I would sit there beating myself up for scaring you and not having the courage to come to you, and here I am, trying to tell you how I feel and not only am I beating myself up for backing away just then, but you are doing it too- that is what I meant. Please Mac…I am trying to let go here, but I am so good at holding on, I don't know how…." I am shaking so hard on the inside, my eyes plead with hers to understand just how much I know is at stake here and that I am trying so hard not to muck it up.
"Do you have any idea how long I have waited and wanted you to tell me that you lo…that you were mine? Do you? No vague 'you will always have someone who loves you', but a straight out declaration of how you feel? I finally hear it and despite every little hurt we have placed on each other, I know that we can get past it and then you pull your usual routine, backing away- that I can't do, I am not ready for that dance to start yet, Harm" resignation resounding in her voice, she stands there, arms folded across herself.
"Not yet…. Those words sound familiar, don't they Sarah?" I say gently as I reach out and take her hands in mine, I see the answer in her eyes. "I just needed time, I didn't mean it the way you took it, as a rejection. That is our ultimate problem isn't it? We say something to each other and each of us seem to hear and read the opposite in the other's words. I am tired of that dance too Sarah. You said you wanted honesty, and I hope you are ready for it because I am as ready as I will ever be to give it. I was afraid. You mean so much to me, our friendship is a rock for me- as much as I want more with you I was too afraid to risk it. I suck at relationships- and the surprise is, I know why- I don't want to let anyone close to me- for their sake and mine. At the risk of sounding like I am throwing myself a pity party, I don't know if I could stand losing you and as irrational as the fear is, I am afraid that I will lose you, lose you like I lost Diane, like I lost my father." I try to loosen the tightness that thought causes me, "On the other hand, I don't want to have someone I love in the position of having a folded flag handed to her because I was doing my duty. At six years old I watched my mother go through that pain and I swore that I would never do that to a woman. I just never realized how much worse it was to deny how I felt."
Her hands tighten on mine, probably still afraid I will run off after letting her hear my feelings. If I am going to run though it isn't because of that, it will be because I am so afraid of her response, I don't know what I am going to do if she tells me to walk out that hatch.
"No, I am not going anywhere, but you asked me to be honest with you and I have been Sarah, now be honest with me. I may not have a right to ask you this, I know you have tried to tell me how you feel, but I need to know what you feel for me. If you still need time, tell me and I promise I will wait, as long as you promise me that we will continue this honesty outside this cabin."
TBC
Author: AutumnRain
Email: autumnrain4@yahoo.com
Category: H/M
Rating: G
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to DB and others. Just borrowing them.
Feedback: please, any kind, good or bad, it is appreciated
Archive: You can find this story and others I have written at:
http://www.Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain
or
http://btlarchive.topcities.com/
USS Seahawk
0400
Mac's Cabin
I am terrified. There is a little voice telling me that this is the last chance I am going to have to set things right with Mac, and yet here I stand, just watching the tears fall down her face unsure of what to do next. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and kiss all her tears away, but can't seem to move from this spot. I have to congratulate myself though, although I did run earlier, I was running after her, and I haven't yet taken a step back to unlock that hatch. I fleetingly wish it was locked from the outside as a precaution that I don't do that, or Mac doesn't. She seems to have a penchant for fleeing out the hatch just as I am on the brink of being able to do what she desperately wants from me.
Neither of us can run this time. I honestly don't think either one of us would survive- at least our friendship wouldn't. Despite this knowledge, I still haven't moved. Mac is sitting on her bunk, tears are still streaming down her face, her eyes staring at some point above my right shoulder, carefully avoiding my gaze. I wait for her to say something, yell at me, throw something at me, anything…she has always been the one to let her feelings show, to try to open up to me, but I realize she isn't going to this time. I don't blame her, but it doesn't make the words come out of my mouth any easier. I want to tell her I love her, that she is the reason I get up in the morning and come to work, that she is the only person I have ever let get this close to me. I just don't know how. I am such a sorry excuse for a fighter pilot, we are supposed to be able to think quickly and execute those decisions in a split second. I make an even sorrier lawyer…where is my gift of language and persuasion when I need it the most?
Think quickly and execute… yes, that is it- my first thought when I entered her cabin. I cross the floor and kneel in front of her. Startled she sits up straight and tries to back away, but I won't let her. I take her in my arms and pull her against me, not leaving any room for her to wiggle out of my grasp.
"Let me go Commander" she sobs and struggles against me.
"Shhhhh, not yet Sarah" my throat tightens and I feel tears threatening my eyes, "I didn't mean to scare you like that…I knew you were worried. I was worried too, afraid you would be, that I would leave…." I can't say another word, my voice won't work and my tears are falling just as fast as hers. I wasn't so much afraid for myself crashing or having to bail out over enemy held territory, my thoughts were all on Mac. I didn't know what made it worse- the fact that I might never get to tell her how I feel about her, or despite my never telling her how I felt, I was going to abandon her, just the way my grandfather did my grandmother and my father did my mother and I- knowing that it would impact her just as much as it did them. All my reasoning for not letting a woman get to close to me out the window because despite our never coming out and saying 'I love you' I know she did and I was such an ass for trying to ignore that fact, managing at times to completely believe she didn't love me and at the same time convincing her that I didn't love her.
She has put her arms around me, hugging me tight. I savored this embrace, knowing that sooner or later she was going to pull away from me and I will have to find the words to tell her how I feel, no backing away, no cryptic phrases.
"Harm"
I just didn't expect it this soon…at least I am 'Harm' and not 'Commander'. I pull back just a bit, she is still in my arms, but I can look at her. If I keep her in my arms I will be able to do this. I see her eyes widen at the tears on my face and she reaches up and with a thumb, wipes them away. I smile at her so-familiar gesture and return it. I take her hand and hold it over my heart. My gaze drops to our hands.
"It's yours, you know." Her eyes widen even further, and I am even a bit shocked at my words. It is the gist of what I want her to know, but I hadn't planned for it to come out like that, there is so much more we should discuss, so many of our actions that needed translation- the correct translation before either of us made any declaration of that magnitude. "Well…, that is, I mean…." I let go of her and stand up, I try to back- peddle on instinct before I can tell myself to keep my mouth shut and my body still. I see her heart break all over again in her eyes.
"Go Harm. Just go. I need honesty if you can't or won't give it to me, just go." She whispers as she stands up and walks to the opposite end of the cabin with her back to me.
"No, Sarah, not this time. You want honesty? Fine. I'm afraid. If I walk out that hatch 'we' whatever 'we' are is finished and I don't want that, but if 'we' do this, I am afraid I will hurt you or I will lose you. I feel like I am up shit creek without a paddle here Mac." She wants honesty? Then she is going to get it. I know she is hurting and I have been the cause of it, but just as she really wasn't the only one crying that day I left to go back to flying, she isn't the only one here in pain as I am not the only one here who has caused it.
"Thanks Harm, I didn't know you felt so highly of me. I should have though, you said it once…'any man she has been involved with is either dead or felt like he was'" she parrots my inconsiderate words I had said to Sturgis "You think you feel like your up shit creek? Let me tell you Harm, the feeling is mutual. Somehow I am losing my best friend because I was afraid for him and it really hurts…. Why couldn't you just have left me alone tonight? You always seem to dodge out of our 'hallmark' moments, why now Harm?" she spins around to face me, her voice full of anguish and her eyes flashing with anger.
All my angry resolve flies out the window. I can't stand to see her hurting, and although she needs to know I am hurting too, I can't be vindictive about it.
"I just told you, if I walked away tonight, yes we would be spared 'this', but I know I would lose 'us'. It hurts me too Mac- either way. If I stayed in my cabin tonight I would sit there beating myself up for scaring you and not having the courage to come to you, and here I am, trying to tell you how I feel and not only am I beating myself up for backing away just then, but you are doing it too- that is what I meant. Please Mac…I am trying to let go here, but I am so good at holding on, I don't know how…." I am shaking so hard on the inside, my eyes plead with hers to understand just how much I know is at stake here and that I am trying so hard not to muck it up.
"Do you have any idea how long I have waited and wanted you to tell me that you lo…that you were mine? Do you? No vague 'you will always have someone who loves you', but a straight out declaration of how you feel? I finally hear it and despite every little hurt we have placed on each other, I know that we can get past it and then you pull your usual routine, backing away- that I can't do, I am not ready for that dance to start yet, Harm" resignation resounding in her voice, she stands there, arms folded across herself.
"Not yet…. Those words sound familiar, don't they Sarah?" I say gently as I reach out and take her hands in mine, I see the answer in her eyes. "I just needed time, I didn't mean it the way you took it, as a rejection. That is our ultimate problem isn't it? We say something to each other and each of us seem to hear and read the opposite in the other's words. I am tired of that dance too Sarah. You said you wanted honesty, and I hope you are ready for it because I am as ready as I will ever be to give it. I was afraid. You mean so much to me, our friendship is a rock for me- as much as I want more with you I was too afraid to risk it. I suck at relationships- and the surprise is, I know why- I don't want to let anyone close to me- for their sake and mine. At the risk of sounding like I am throwing myself a pity party, I don't know if I could stand losing you and as irrational as the fear is, I am afraid that I will lose you, lose you like I lost Diane, like I lost my father." I try to loosen the tightness that thought causes me, "On the other hand, I don't want to have someone I love in the position of having a folded flag handed to her because I was doing my duty. At six years old I watched my mother go through that pain and I swore that I would never do that to a woman. I just never realized how much worse it was to deny how I felt."
Her hands tighten on mine, probably still afraid I will run off after letting her hear my feelings. If I am going to run though it isn't because of that, it will be because I am so afraid of her response, I don't know what I am going to do if she tells me to walk out that hatch.
"No, I am not going anywhere, but you asked me to be honest with you and I have been Sarah, now be honest with me. I may not have a right to ask you this, I know you have tried to tell me how you feel, but I need to know what you feel for me. If you still need time, tell me and I promise I will wait, as long as you promise me that we will continue this honesty outside this cabin."
TBC