Worried, Part 5
USS Seahawk
0430
I look at him like he has two heads. How can this man not know how I feel for him? I have followed him to the ends of the earth, I basically propositioned him on a ferry in Sydney Harbor , not to mention loosing my fiancé because when I needed a rock in my life I ran to him.
His grip on my hands has not lessened and I see the confusion, fear, and anguish in his blue eyes not quite hidden by the tears he has barely managed to bring under control and held back. Then I understood. For all the times I felt he had to realize my feelings for him through my actions, there were just as many times I had pushed him away, or acted like I could care less about him. Not for the first time I wonder exactly how we allowed ourselves to get to this point, but this time I know the answer. We were both afraid of letting go. I was just afraid of really letting go as Harm. I knew we were not in any condition to pursue a relationship when we were in Sydney . Why couldn't that realization have appeared prior to opening my mouth on that ferry?
I am relieved that I finally know the answer, but it scares me just as much. How is this going to work? We may love each other, but both of us feel the need to be in control. How much longer before Harm goes into emotional overload and walks out on me, or I am the one who takes the walk? But we don't have the choice of hiding anymore. Too much has already been said and revealed, we can't walk away without trying.
The fear in his eyes is starting to overwhelm the other emotions I see there, and his hands are literally shaking in mine. I am so afraid of the power I hold over this man. I don't want to see an ounce of pain in those beautiful eyes, I don't want to see his shoulders slumped in defeat. Will my love, once expressed hurt him worse than telling him I need time? Do I really need time?
I slip my hands from his and at my move his eyes leave mine and I know he has jumped to the wrong conclusion.
"Harm, look at me…." I take his face in my hands. The broken look he gives me causes my tears to start again and I say the only words that can heal us both, "I love you"
Once again I find myself wrapped up in his arms as he finally lets go and keeps whispering his love for me over and over in between kisses. I am still afraid, but something about the comfort of his arms and the knowledge I now have claim to this embrace combined with his sure voice and words of love puts me more at ease than I have been since I first realized how deep my feelings ran for him.
There is still more we need to talk about, because if we don't I know it will come back to bite us in the six, but we are too exhausted- physically and emotionally to handle it and I don't want to risk any more miscommunication between us. I just want to remain here, in his arms, nestled between his strong shoulders. This was what I wanted from the minute his plane had touched down after the mission, and the relief of finally having what I want where Harm is concerned and the remainder of the fear I felt while listening to the transmissions is to overwhelming and I can't stop the tears. I wonder what his reaction to this tough Marine sobbing in his arms will be, and I am slightly ashamed of myself, but his reaction is only to pull me tighter in his arms and shedding tears of his own.