Bulma in a Blender
(by Red Ribbon no Pink Technician)
Disclaimer: Before you ask, NO! I am NOT a spokesperson for joecartoon.com, although I do find the animations an excellent way to kill time. And of course, I don't own DBZ.
"YAMUCHA!"
"What? What'd I do?"
Yamucha and Bulma had gone out for a Friday night spin at a local club. Little Puar had taken the form of an executive and was busy downing Kirin, while the two lovers headed straight for the dance floor. Bulma was having a great time moving to the beat, but her companion seemed to be a tad distracted…
"You were staring at that blonde over there!" yelled Bulma.
"I'm sorry. She just happened to stand out in my vision, that's all."
"Yeah, just like the redhead and the green-haired chick before her! Why are you looking at them, anyway? Don't I stand out in your vision?"
"Of course you do, honey! You're all I want to look at! I only look away because I'm comparing them to how wonderful you are!"
Bulma gave him a hug and rested her head on his shoulder. "Oh, Yamucha! You're so sweet," she gushed.
Yamucha, who tended to fall apart at times like this, flushed bright red. "R-r-really? Hehehe, no problem, baby. Buy you a drink?" he faltered.
"I'd love that!" They went over to the bar and took seats beside Puar, who was reeling and red in the face.
"Hey, you two," hiccuped the shape-shifter. "The drinks here are to die for!"
"Just how many have you had?" Yamucha started to count the glasses scattered in front of his friend. "What's this…twelve? Puar, get a grip!"
"I am getting a grip," replied Puar, lifting another shot glass to her lips. Her aim was bad, and alcohol went splashing all over her suit. Yamucha took the glass away.
"You've had enough," he said.
"I have not!" Puar hiccuped again.
Yamucha called the bartender and ordered a glass of bourbon.
"What do you want, Bulma?" he asked.
"I'll have a Scotch," said Bulma.
"Okay," said the bartender. "A bourbon and a Scotch." His voice sank to a whisper. "Would that young woman there happen to be your friend, sir?" he asked Yamucha. "She looks very unstable to me."
"Yeah, she told me she had twelve. What did she have twelve of?"
"First it was five large Kirin, then some very strong whiskey, sir. I'm surprised you haven't smelled it already."
Yamucha took a sniff. Sure enough, the air around him carried an unpleasant odor. He looked at Puar. She'd passed out on the counter.
"Well, could you do me a favor?"
"Yes, sir?"
"I'm probably going back onto the dance floor later. If my friend wakes up before I come back, could you please make sure she doesn't have anything else to drink tonight? Here's something for your trouble." Yamucha handed the bartender fifty zeni.
"Thanks, man! I'll do it!" He went off to get their drinks. Bulma started to whimper, her body stiff and her eyes straight ahead.
"Bulma? What's wrong?" asked Yamucha.
"There's something on my foot," said Bulma. Her voice was dangerously high. "It's dry and it's scaly and it's moving!"
Yamucha bent over and took a look.
"Why, it's a snake!" he said.
Bulma started to scream.
"Aiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!" she cried. "Get it off of me! Get it off get it off get it off!" Yamucha picked up his girlfriend with one hand and the snake in the other. Setting Bulma on the counter, he tapped the snake lightly right behind its head, knocking it out.
"It's okay, Bulma," he said. "I knocked out the snake. You can come down now."
But Bulma didn't come down. Yamucha noticed the puddle on the counter. *Whoa,* he thought. *Bulma must've been scared REALLY bad.* Out loud he said, "Bulma, do you have any tissue in your purse?" Bulma nodded.
"Okay. Give me the tissue and stand up. I promise, it'll be okay."
Bulma did as she was told. Yamucha dried her off as best he could.
"That's all I can do. You'll have to go to the ladies room and get more tissue."
"I don't want to!" Bulma started to cry. "People will notice!"
"No, they won't," said Yamucha, hoping he sounded surer than he felt. "We got most of it off, and if you walk with your hands behind your back I'm sure nobody will be the wiser."
Bulma went, sniffing a little as she did. The bartender returned with their drinks.
"What happened here?" he asked, noticing the snake and the puddle on the countertop.
Yamucha pointed to the stunned reptile. "That thing somehow managed to get in here and scare my girlfriend. I moved her to the counter while I fought it, and she was so spooked that she…uh, well…"
"Say no more," said the bartender. "The snake is my son's pet. He wanted to come to work with me tonight, and he brought Kuriipaa along with him. She turned up missing an hour ago and he's been in tears since. Had to send him home. Thanks a bundle for finding her, he'll be over the moon when he gets her back. I'm real sorry about your girlfriend. Drinks are on the house." He set the drinks down –in a dry spot, of course –and started to clean off the counter.
Yamucha sipped his bourbon, feeling important and powerful. He almost didn't notice when the blonde he'd been staring at earlier sauntered up to him.
"Hey-y-y there, handsome," she drawled. "Mind if I sit next to ya?"
"Of course not," said Yamucha nonchalantly, but his heart was pounding fit to wake the dead.
"Whose drink is that?" asked the visitor.
"Oh, nobody's in particular," said Yamucha, intoxicated with both his drink and her cheap perfume. "I was going to drink it, but I'd be glad to let you have it."
"Ya know, you're a nice guy," said the blonde, taking a long draught of Bulma's Scotch." Other men I've known were scum, but you're a real nice guy." She leaned in closer. A slow song could be heard playing. "Want to dance?"
"S-s-sure," stammered Yamucha. He took her hand and found them a spot on the dance floor. She flung both arms around his neck, nearly pulling him over. Now he could really smell her perfume…wasn't it that so-called orange blossom stuff he and Bulma liked to joke had cost 15 zeni to make and 1500 zeni to wear, or something like that? It was hard to tell, and now he was starting to feel stifled…His dance partner's face was getting dangerously close to his…she was closing her eyes…Yamucha felt himself doing the same…
"YAMU-CHAAAAA!"
For some reason, the music stopped and the lights brightened themselves. Everyone turned to stare as an irate Bulma came marching up to her cheating boyfriend.
"Just WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
The blonde had conveniently slunk out of sight; Yamucha went red again.
"I-I-I, uh…"
"I'll tell you what you were doing. YOU WERE PLAYING ME!"
"I'm real sorry, Bulma," said Yamucha. "It won't happen again!"
"It won't, huh? That's the THIRD TIME THIS MONTH you did this to me! I nearly die of fright and what do you do? You don't care about me, you just go off and dance with SOME OTHER CHICK!" Bulma was starting to hyperventilate. Yamucha reached out to her, but she slapped him in the face.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she yelled. "I'm going home by myself!" She ran out of the club. Puar came staggering up to him.
"What was that all about?" she burped.
"Nothing," said Yamucha. "Let's go home."
If that night had been bad, the next few days were even worse. Bulma refused to come see Yamucha and had blocked his e-mail address, and the former desert bandit found a rather nasty message on her cell phone when he tried to call her. Vegeta laughed at him when he came to the house wearing a nice suit and carrying a wrapped box.
"Do you really think she's going to take you back just because you took a shower and brought her some junk food?" he snorted. "The onna's through with you. You know those letters you've been sending over the past few days? She burned every last one! She took down all her pictures of you, threw out all the presents you gave her, everything! Give up and go home."
Yamucha marched past him resolutely. "You'll see." He knocked and went inside.
A few seconds later he came dashing back out, minus the treats and sporting a large red hand-shaped mark across his face.
"I saw stars," he told Vegeta sheepishly. The treats came flying out the front door after him and splattered all over his suit. Vegeta burst into laughter again.
"That's not funny!"
That night, Yamucha just wanted to destroy something. (Actually, he had –several neighbors' garbage no longer existed.) He couldn't even keep his mind focused on the Web site that was his passion. *Why am I even still bothering?* he wondered as he selected a new background for the site. *She'll never compliment it anymore anyway.* Sighing, he finished another of his animations, which had made his site a favorite with many. *That jealous she-devil…She's living with the dude who had me killed and I never say a word to her…Maybe a little payback is in order. But what?* He added the background and the animation, and saved his work. *Wait a minute…*
Kuririn sat down at the computer and opened up his e-mail. His six new messages were the usual boring crap: credit card offers, software advertisements, some kind of health club newsletter…hello, what was this? He opened it up and looked at the following note:
Hey, Kuririn. Gohan here. Mom let me surf the Web the other day, and you won't believe what I found! Yamucha's got a site and it has the funniest animations and stuff. Especially this brand new one. You've GOTTA check it out!
Son Gohan
Kuririn clicked on the link that followed and went to Yamucha's Web site. *Pretty impressive,* he thought as he looked through it. *He's almost as good with computers as…hmm, this must be it.* Kuririn had found the new animation. He clicked. *Hey, is this…* His jaw dropped as he saw what he saw. *Oh, holy Mr. Popo on a sesame seed roll with ketchup on top! I have to show this to the guys!*
Bulma was showing Vegeta how to use the Internet.
"This button takes you back to your home page, which is the site you start at," she said. "This button takes you back one page, and this one returns you to a page you backed out of. See? Home, Back and Forward."
Vegeta merely grunted his understanding.
"This button will allow you to bookmark the page you're on," Bulma continued. "That way, it'll be easier to get to in the future. And this one…Hey, it says I've got mail! You remember mail, right?"
Vegeta grunted again.
"Oh, you're so talkative. Let's see…Hey, it's from Kuririn! 'Dear Bulma. Found funny site. Brand new animation you won't believe! Kuririn. PS: Do not try to kill me, I'm just the messenger.' Wonder what that could mean? Oh, well. Vegeta, lessons are postponed. Your teacher's going to take a look at this site."
Bulma went to the site. She snorted a bit when she found out who it belonged to, but she headed to the 'Animations' section and looked for a file marked 'New.'
"There's one at the top," said Vegeta, pointing. "'Desert Bandit's Revenge.'"
Bulma clicked. The screen changed to bright pink with the words "Bulma in a Blender" scrawled across it in bright turquoise. A small arrow appeared in the bottom right corner, and silly music began to play. Looking slightly annoyed, Bulma clicked again.
This time the screen showed a large cardboard box that read "Lord Yamucha's Taste E. Treatz Blender. Extra-large size and diamond-edged blades make for grinding just about anything to a juicy pulp. Especially recommended for cannibals." Stretched above the box was a banner that said "DEMONSTRATION TODAY."
Bulma's next click of the mouse showed something that really got on her nerves. The screen now showed a very large blender with someone floating in water inside of it. And that someone was Bulma!
"Just what is this anyway?" wondered the real Bulma.
"Like, what are you staring at?" asked the computer Bulma in a high falsetto. "You better not be another one of those totally smelly cannibals. I'm like, far better than ordinary lunch meat, you know!"
Vegeta started to snicker. "Looks like you have a fan."
"Oh, shut up." Bulma clicked the first of the ten buttons on the blender. The diamond-edged blades started to spin. So did the computer Bulma.
"Hey, what are you doing to me?" cried computer Bulma. "You're going to like, totally mess up my hair! Stop it, you lame-o! This weave took like, 3 hours to put in!"
Vegeta snickered again. Bulma clicked button 2. The blades spun a bit faster.
"You like, have to let me out of here soon," insisted computer Bulma. "I like, have a date! Oh wait a minute, no I don't. My ex was kind, strong, fun, brave, smart and handsome, but he was like, totally nervous around girls! That's like, SO imperfect. Never mind that he had eyes for me only, no matter what it looked like. He's still totally imperfect. Imperfect slobs like him like, SO don't deserve me!"
"That lousy Yamucha," muttered Bulma as she clicked button 3.
"Ooh, is that a diamond down there?" said computer Bulma. "Ooh, it totally is a diamond! I so have to have it!" She reached for one of the diamond-edged blades and promptly got her arm cut off. "Hey, that's like, my arm! Give it back!" She tried to grab the arm and lost the other one too. The water started to turn red.
"I'm not THAT stupid!" Bulma clicked button 4.
"Why are you still watching it then?" asked Vegeta.
"So I'll know exactly how bad I want Yamucha dead."
"My arms hurt!" whined computer Bulma. "Oh wait…I've got no arms now…" A long trail of blood came out of one of her shoulders. She saw it and screamed. "Aaaaaaaah! Like, snake! I wanna go home!" A cloud of yellow appeared in the water, turning it from red to orange.
Vegeta laughed out loud this time. Bulma ground her teeth and clicked button 5.
"All of this blood and other stuff is totally ruining my makeup and hair and nails," complained computer Bulma. "Can I like, get out of here now?" A few seconds passed, then her hair started going from blue to a dirty shade of purple. "Aaaaaaaggh! My weave is like, totally wrecked!"
Bulma let go of the mouse and started cracking her knuckles, muttering angry words all the time. Vegeta leaned in and clicked button 6. The blades were spinning very quickly now.
"I'm starting to like, feel sick!" groaned computer Bulma. "Make this thing stop! Blaaaaaaagh!" A cloud of green soon joined the orange water. She wiped her mouth, then began pawing at her eyes. "Waaaaaah! This blood and stuff like, stings so bad! Oh GREAT, now I'm like, blind!"
Vegeta clicked button 7.
Computer Bulma tried to jump out of the blender. She could barely make it over the side, clamping down fiercely with her teeth. Suddenly, a pair of dentures flew out of her mouth, and she fell back into the "water."
"Like, oh no!" cried computer Bulma, being able to somehow communicate clearly without her teeth. "My secret's been discovered…among others…"
"How DARE he," muttered Bulma, reducing a sheet of paper to molecules with her fingernails and teeth. Vegeta clicked button 8.
"I totally don't need this!" declared computer Bulma. "Stop it now! I like –oof!" The rest of her tirade was cut off as she was slammed repeatedly against the blender's sides. A large red bump appeared on her head. "Oh…I think that was like, 50 percent of my mental function…Duh…" The left side of her face drooped and she began to drool.
In her rage, Bulma had now torn up half the paper that had been in the printer; the area around her chair looked like a snowstorm had found its way into Capsule Corp. Vegeta clicked button 9.
"You know, this is like, so totally unfair!" said computer Bulma, barely visible because of the blender's speed.
If looks could kill, Bulma's computer would've been a heap of scrap metal.
Vegeta clicked the last button.
A shower of blood, viscera and other things came gushing out of the blender, splattering all over the screen. When they had cleared away, there was a message on the screen that read:
A LORD YAMUCHA PRODUCTION.
INSPIRATION FOR THIS CARTOON CAME FROM JOECARTOON.COM'S HIT "FROG IN A BLENDER" AND FROM MY WHINY EX BULMA BRIEFS. COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU, BABY!
Bulma picked up the computer and hurled it against the wall. Then she burst into tears and sank to the floor, face in her hands.
"That lousy Yamucha," she sobbed. "How could he DO this to me?"
Vegeta did his best to comfort her. "There, there," he said as he patted her on the back (but not too hard, being the Prince of all Saiyajins and all). "It's okay. Would you like me to teach the human a lesson?" Bulma didn't answer. Vegeta left.
He came back a few minutes later with a chocolate bar and a can of beer. These he put on the table. He patted her once more and said, "I'm off to punish the human. Bye bye." And off he went.
Yamucha rubbed his aching shoulder as he sat at his computer, which now sported a large dent on top. Who would've known that Vegeta felt sorry enough for Bulma to come and beat him up like that? Yamucha probably would've died if Puar hadn't stepped in and stopped the mad Saiyajin with floods of tears and a casserole she'd baked. Vegeta had wanted to destroy Yamucha's computer, but he'd settled for bashing it a couple of times with a stapler (once again, thanks to Puar's tears). Of course, Yamucha had had to take the offensive cartoon off of his site, but he made the occasional quick zeni by selling copies to rabid fans who went for stuff like that. Fortunately, a trip to Korin's place and a few bottles of aspirin solved the pain problem, and the computer still worked. But why had Vegeta done all of that just for Bulma, when he hadn't even seemed to notice her a month ago? No, make that three months ago; he'd been paying her a bit more attention every week. In fact, Vegeta had become rather protective of Bulma lately. And why was Bulma starting to look rather tubby about the middle?
Yamucha shrugged. Life was full of mysteries. He quit pondering the behavior of his associates and went back to the new file he was working on.
Vegeta in the Microwave.
Revenge was sweet!
Owari