1 January 2004
Happy New Year, my sweetest Ella. I hope this is going to be a good year. It must be.
I'll turn 16 this year, you'll turn 3. I miss you, I miss you so much. I don't think I can describe how much I miss you. For the past few months, your mother never even called me, I didn't hear of her, not the slightest thing.... I don't even know if you are okay.
I didn't do any interesting things the past time. I didn't even write to you, because I didn't know what to say, I didn't have a reason to write. Now I do. I wanted to wish you a happy new year. Speaking of happy new years, I remembered a new year's eve, a good one, yesterday.
It was a beautiful night, stars in the sky, the sky was very dark, it was just perfect. Dad, me and mom, we went outside, to look at the fireworks. I remember dad telling this was the most beautiful new year's eve he'd ever had. It immediately was mine too.
It wasn't especially the new years eve that was good, it was the memory that was, is, good. You know Ella, I love my dad a hundred times more than my mom. Don't ask me why...please don't ask me why. I can't give you an exact answer. I guess it's just...he was my rolemodel, my big example, I wanted to be like him. He was so loved, loved by everyone around him. He had this perfect job, he could help people. And now...I realise he had a perfect life. That's probably why it was my best new year's eve ever too.
There are things to say Ella...good things, bad things. We are going to move. Not just 10 miles away, no, mom and Greg want to go to Holland. Greg has found a job there. That's not the worst thing.
I have to see your mom tomorrow, I'm going to ask her if I can stay with her, with you. It's a very hard thing to do you know. Your mom and I, we have a history. It's not a good one, I'll hope she says yes, but I have to prepare for a no. I have my reasons for wanting to stay here, I hope she'll understand and she'll keep me here. I can't miss you. I can't miss being here in America. I can't imagine myself, having a totally new life in Holland, a strange country. That were the bad things.
I know there aren't any good things, unless your mom let's me stay with her. If she does, Greg's gone. Mom's gone. I won't miss them. You might think, what did they do to you, to feel that way. Yeah well, that's the point. They didn't do anything to me. I could, still can, do everything I want, where I want, whenever I want. You might say that's a good thing, but it isn't. You'll be old enough to understand what I am going to tell you now, when you read this.
I first slept with a boy, when I was 12. I smoked my first sigarette when I was 12, I started doing drugs when I was 12. I did everything, everything, a girl who is 12 years old, shouldn't do. It ruined my life. Every time I think about, how good my life could have been, if I would have stayed with dad, I feel like crying. They ruined my life. They did. My mom ruined my life. That's the worst thing that can happen to you.
I hate feeling this way about my own mother, but it's just the way it is. When I first moved in with dad and Elizabeth, I felt trapped. I couldn't do everything I wanted anymore. They told me what I could or couldn't do. Now I realise that's a good thing. Your mom isn't like mine, that's a good thing. But she remembers me like the Rachel who was either stoned or drunk, who was being a whore and who couldn't take care of her daugther. I was that way, I was that Rachel. But I changed, I really did. She doesn't seem to....she doesn't, she wants to blame me for things. But I've changed. I'm not that Rachel anymore. I don't do drugs, I don't drink and I don't sleep around anymore. I'm not that Rachel anymore. I just wish she could understand that. But she can't. That's a bad thing.
I hope she'll give me some good news tomorrow. My bags are packed already. Either for Holland or for you. I love you.
Rachel.
Happy New Year, my sweetest Ella. I hope this is going to be a good year. It must be.
I'll turn 16 this year, you'll turn 3. I miss you, I miss you so much. I don't think I can describe how much I miss you. For the past few months, your mother never even called me, I didn't hear of her, not the slightest thing.... I don't even know if you are okay.
I didn't do any interesting things the past time. I didn't even write to you, because I didn't know what to say, I didn't have a reason to write. Now I do. I wanted to wish you a happy new year. Speaking of happy new years, I remembered a new year's eve, a good one, yesterday.
It was a beautiful night, stars in the sky, the sky was very dark, it was just perfect. Dad, me and mom, we went outside, to look at the fireworks. I remember dad telling this was the most beautiful new year's eve he'd ever had. It immediately was mine too.
It wasn't especially the new years eve that was good, it was the memory that was, is, good. You know Ella, I love my dad a hundred times more than my mom. Don't ask me why...please don't ask me why. I can't give you an exact answer. I guess it's just...he was my rolemodel, my big example, I wanted to be like him. He was so loved, loved by everyone around him. He had this perfect job, he could help people. And now...I realise he had a perfect life. That's probably why it was my best new year's eve ever too.
There are things to say Ella...good things, bad things. We are going to move. Not just 10 miles away, no, mom and Greg want to go to Holland. Greg has found a job there. That's not the worst thing.
I have to see your mom tomorrow, I'm going to ask her if I can stay with her, with you. It's a very hard thing to do you know. Your mom and I, we have a history. It's not a good one, I'll hope she says yes, but I have to prepare for a no. I have my reasons for wanting to stay here, I hope she'll understand and she'll keep me here. I can't miss you. I can't miss being here in America. I can't imagine myself, having a totally new life in Holland, a strange country. That were the bad things.
I know there aren't any good things, unless your mom let's me stay with her. If she does, Greg's gone. Mom's gone. I won't miss them. You might think, what did they do to you, to feel that way. Yeah well, that's the point. They didn't do anything to me. I could, still can, do everything I want, where I want, whenever I want. You might say that's a good thing, but it isn't. You'll be old enough to understand what I am going to tell you now, when you read this.
I first slept with a boy, when I was 12. I smoked my first sigarette when I was 12, I started doing drugs when I was 12. I did everything, everything, a girl who is 12 years old, shouldn't do. It ruined my life. Every time I think about, how good my life could have been, if I would have stayed with dad, I feel like crying. They ruined my life. They did. My mom ruined my life. That's the worst thing that can happen to you.
I hate feeling this way about my own mother, but it's just the way it is. When I first moved in with dad and Elizabeth, I felt trapped. I couldn't do everything I wanted anymore. They told me what I could or couldn't do. Now I realise that's a good thing. Your mom isn't like mine, that's a good thing. But she remembers me like the Rachel who was either stoned or drunk, who was being a whore and who couldn't take care of her daugther. I was that way, I was that Rachel. But I changed, I really did. She doesn't seem to....she doesn't, she wants to blame me for things. But I've changed. I'm not that Rachel anymore. I don't do drugs, I don't drink and I don't sleep around anymore. I'm not that Rachel anymore. I just wish she could understand that. But she can't. That's a bad thing.
I hope she'll give me some good news tomorrow. My bags are packed already. Either for Holland or for you. I love you.
Rachel.