A/N:  Here it is!  Chapter 5!  Fresh off the presses!  Read and review, please!  I live for reviews.  I feed on them like a bird on sunflower seeds!  Wait, do birds eat sunflower seeds?  Hum.  NO MATTER!  The fact is: I like reviews!  The more I get the faster I'll write chapter 6!  (Was that convincing?  I do try you know.)  Right, so, enough of me talking.  ON WITH THE SHOW!  Here, for your viewing pleasure, the long awaited Chapter 5…. CUE THE DRAMATIC MUSIC!!!

CHAPTER 5- "BOLOGNA TOOLAGE"

The Harry Rouge gang was stunned. But only for a couple seconds, because as the gay waiters were making their dramatic exit which consisted of high kicks, someone kicked too high and Ron fell to the floor, a dent from a high heel left on his face. After the dancers (including the Duke, Gandalf, and Zidler) had departed, the group didn't know what to do next.


"Um," Harry began, "do you guys know where Middle Earth is?"


"Middle Earth?" Satine asked, "Is that what that old man said? I thought it was 'little Smurf'!"


"I thought it was 'Piddle Birth!" Christian exclaimed.


"I tawt it was 'surf and turf'!" added Toulouse.


Ron rubbed his forehead where it was kicked, "I thought it was 'Bologna toolage'!"


Hermione gave him a disgusted look, "Ron! Where on EARTH did you get that from?"


He motioned for her to come closer, closer still, a bit closer, and he whispered to her, "It was the Lord. The Lords of the. . . of the. . . SPORKS!"


"Uh, what?"


He skipped off whistling 'Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah' and frolicked around the piano.


"It was Middle Earth," declared Harry. "I'm positive."


"Harry," said Hermione, "I don't think so. I mean, what in the HECK is Middle Earth? Where on Earth is Middle Earth?!"


"In da middew. Duh. . ." Scoffed Toulouse.


"But no one lives in the middle, you dwarf muggle!" she retorted, crossing her arms. "Besides, I've never heard of Middle Earth! It wasn't in 'Geographical Landforms of the Planet Earth' OR 'Pangea: the Aftermath'."


"Hermione. Two words." Ron began. Everyone waited for him to tell her that she reads too much, but they weren't really surprised to hear him say, "Bologna. Toolage."


Harry put his arm around Ron, "Hey, Ron? Buddy? Pal? Friend?"

"Wasssup, yo?"


"Shut up."


"THE LORD OF THE SPORKS DOES NOT LIE!!!"


Satine rolled her eyes. "I liked him better drunk than with a head injury."


With that, Toulouse pulled a bottle of absinthe from his coat pocket. "Fthusty?"


"Oui oui. . .." whined Ron, grabbing the bottle and running to sit in the corner to drink it.


"I think he was already drunk." Harry shrugged. "But that doesn't matter. How are we going to get to Middle Earth?"


"Floo powder?" Hermione suggested.

"A train seems like a more sensible idea, don't you think?" Satine asked the group.

"Hitchhike?" asked Christian, sarcastically.


Satine giggled, "What did you just. . .? Christian, honey, that's really. . . umm. . ."


"Stupid?" supplied Hermione, still bitter that the young writer was still ignoring her.


"Waitwaitwait a minute!" Harry exclaimed thoughtfully. "It's so crazy. . . it just. . . might. . . WORK!"


"Let me get this straight," Satine said, pulling out a chair and sitting down. "This old, gay dancer from the Gothic Tower Prance Team sees my ring-"

"Actually, it's mine," Hermione retorted.

Satine continued as if she had never spoken. "And we're being led by a boy who is. . . what, 10?"


Harry cleared his throat. "Well, I'm actually 16. . ."


Satine continued. "And this toddler wants us to go see to some little Smurf?"


"This little toddler didn't exactly say that," Harry said, glaring at her. "We're supposed to go see some hobbit named Frodo who lives in Hobbiton in the Shire!"

"The Shire?" Christian asked. "Where's that?"

"Haven't you been listening?" Harry groaned. "In Middle Earth! We need to take Hermy's ring-"

"Hermy?" the young writer asked. "Who's Hermy?"

"Hermione!" Harry yelled.

"Hello," Hermione giggled, waving her fingers at him.

Christian took a hold of her hand and kissed it. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

She blushed and looked away.

"AS I WAS SAYING," Harry continued, "we need to take the ring to the Shire which is in Middle Earth, because the trinket is flagitious and it will fill the world with unfavorable effects!"

They all looked at him suspiciously for a moment, and then he said, "I've been reading a thesaurus lately. . ."

A round of 'oh' filled the room.

"I didn't know ten year old's could read yet," Satine said thoughtfully. "It seems like schools have been doing a great job lately."

"I'M 16 YEARS OLD!!" Harry roared, becoming red in the face.


Ron giggled giddily, "Our little Harry is growing up so fast!"


Harry rolled his eyes. "We don't have time to worry about that right now! We have to go! Either that or everyone is DOOMED."


Toulouse, who had joined Ron in the corner with the bottle, laughed. "Dun-dun-dun."


"Doomed. . . rhymes with BOOMED. Go BOOM!" Ron yelled, swaying in his chair and falling on his face. "Oow."


Toulouse began to snigger uncontrollably, " 'Won. . . 'Won. . ." He snorted. " 'WON GO BOOM!"


Ron, not moving from the position he fell into, growled playfully at his lisping counterpart. "Yo' Mama!!"

"My Mama? Where?"

"It's not important," Hermione said, exhausted by the whole thing. "But what IS important is saving the world from evil."

"So. . . we're like superhero's?" Christian asked, rubbing his head.

Hermione blushed that he was talking to her. "Yeah. . ." she said.

"I WANT A CAPE!" Ron shouted half-way across the room. He picked up the sheet previously worn by Zidler and tied it around his neck and ran around the room, pretending to flying. "I am the INCREDIBLE spork!"

"Sure you are," Harry said. "Well we all can think of superhero names on the way, but right now we gotta hitchhike!"

Satine forced a laugh. "Do we have to? I mean. . . there must be many other ways to reach this Lire. . ."

"It's SHIRE!" Harry yelled.

"Oh, don't tell me you're scared," Christian said, poking her in her stomach.

"Of course I'm not," she said, crossing her arms over her waist. "I'm not scared of. . . of. . ."

"She can't even say the wowd!" Toulouse yelled.

"Yes I can!" she said, turning around.

"I bet you can't," Harry said, glaring his eyes at her. "I bet you can't!"

She looked up at them all, glancing her eyes over the crowd. "H-hit-" She turned away, her hands covering her eyes. "I just can't do it!"

"Drama queen," Hermione mumbled, angrily looking at Christian comfort her.

"Darling, it's ok," he said softly. "A lot of people are afraid of hitchhiking, it's a very normal thing. Atleast you're not like Toulouse who can't say his 'R'."

Satine sighed. "Oh Christian, you're right. You're always right."

Toulouse looked down at his fingers. "That's what he thinks. 'The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane. . ." He said perfectly, very quietly.

"Oh, Christian," Satine said, clutching his hand.

"Oh, Satine," Christian whispered, his eyes sparkling.

"Oh, Brother," Harry said.

"Oh, come on," Hermione scoffed.

"Oh, say can you see by the dawns early night!" Ron squealed.

"We're not American, Ron," Harry said, looking away from the couple making out.

"We're NOT?!" he yelled. "Holy cheese, Batman!"

"Hey Harry, I guess you found your superhero name," Hermione grumbled, angry at the couple making out.

"But there is already a Batman and I. . . I was. . ."

"What?" asked Hermione.

"I was fond of. . ."

"What, Harry?" she asked, moving closer.

He murmured something under his breath.

"What was that?" she asked.

"HARRY THE FAIRY!" he yelled, heaving. "It's my name on AOL, instant messenger!"

Hermione gasped. "But Harry, that's a MUGGLE device!"

"I know! But I just can't help it!" he said. "It's so easy!  The guy welcomes me and says: 'You've Got Mail'!  And his voice just booms!  It rings in my ears all day long.  I just couldn't resist it!!"

"Maybe they can suggest some great hitchhiking services!" Christian said.

"Uh. . . I don't think they have one-" Hermoine said, but was cut off by Harry.

"The ones in France are Pete's Hitchhiking Network in Cahors and Tom's Hitch-n-hike, located in Paris!"

"When we get back home, I'm cutting off your AOL membership," Hermione murmured.

"Well, lets get this show on the road. Ron!" Harry called.

"To the spork cave!" Ron shouted, his hand extended while dashing out the door.