A Different Perspective
OMG my head feels like it's going to explode! I had so much hw tonight. Lucky for me, I starting right when I got home (3ish) till like 7. Ok, I have to apologize b/c I didn't explain some things in the beginning, so I'll do that now. Like, to me it's obvious b/c I wrote this, but to the reader… Everything Jessica says is from her POV, and only her's. So, if she doesn't like something, she'd describe it negatively. It doesn't mean that in reality it's that bad. She tends to exaggerate things. Like, maybe Monica does give her fast food, but she exaggerates to make the point that she didn't do it often, in Jessica's opinion. Also, Rachel doesn't live with Monica, obviously. But I mean she could've lived with her during the time that would be first season, because Jessica was living with Monica's parents. I can't really think of where she'd live during this story, but I don't think it's very important to the story. Ok, if it is, then she lives with…Ross! I dunno…make up something, lol. Hopefully that clears any confusion up, but if not, then ask me and I'll explain further. Thanks for all the great reviews! Alrighty then, let's get started. Please read and review!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, aside from Jessica.
I know that I make it seem like my mother and I had a terrible relationship when I was younger, but it wasn't always bad. My attitude towards her made it hard for us to get along. But it was very obvious to me that she loved me—I was just unable to say it back to her. Whenever she would tell me she loved me, I would say nothing in return. At the time, I didn't know how much I hurt my mother by not reciprocating her affection. It was just that I was convinced that my only purpose on Earth was to be the punishment to my mom for her behavior. She never actually said that to me, mind you, but I felt it, nonetheless. It was especially apparent when Richard was around. I tried my hardest to ignore both my mother and Richard when she dated him. So much so, that I would not even tell her I was violently ill. See, that's where my inherited stubbornness comes in.
Although I don't remember much of that night, I remember the events leading up to my hospitalization crystal clearly. I had been feeling ill all day, but refused to admit it. I was well aware that my mother found illness nothing but a weakness. I wasn't about to let her think that I was weak. I always kept a strong façade and I wasn't going to ruin it for one little sickness. However, that night, it became obvious that it wasn't just a little sickness. I remember feeling as if my body was on fire, yet I was freezing cold. My mind was racing, keeping me from focusing clearly. However, I knew that Richard was in my mother's room, so I kept my mouth shut. It didn't matter that I could barely move, but I was determined not to call for my mother. I kept telling myself that it would pass, although, deep down, I was worried that I was going to die.
Finally, I mustered up enough strength to climb out of bed, and somehow found myself across the hall, facing Chandler's door. I can't remember going to his door, but I remember looking up seeing I was there. After knocking a few times, Chandler answered it and I fell over.
"Oh my God," he panicked as he picked me up, "I have to get Monica!"
"No," I whispered.
He ignored me and knocked on my mother's bedroom door.
"She's burning up, Mon," he informed her quietly as he held me in his arms.
Normally, I would have fought to get out of his arms, because I hated being carried around. It made me feel like a baby. However, I was too sick to fight him.
Once my mother took my temperature, and saw how high it was, she took me to the emergency room. Chandler came with us, as did Richard. I was fuming that my mother would bring that man with us to the hospital. Strangely, I was looking forward to spending time with only my mother and Chandler, even if it was due to illness. However, when I found out that he was coming along, it ruined that. Now, I don't remember the rest of the night, but according to Chandler, I called for him the entire time. In addition, whenever my mother would come near me, I would scream at her. Later on, I assured my mother that it was merely the fever talking, but we both knew that it was more than that. It was the way I felt.
Yet, even if I did feel strong contempt towards my mother, I was not completely devoid of sentiment towards her. For instance, when she and Richard broke up, she was devastated. Although I don't know the reasons why they broke up, I have a few assumptions. The excuse that she used was that 'they wanted different things'. Now I know that my mother has always wanted a big family—more than just one child. I'm sure she also wanted to have legitimate children, unlike myself. But still, I don't buy that excuse. I think that the real reason she broke up with him was because I absolutely hated him. Now don't get me wrong, I felt guilty for being the reason, but now I'm extremely relieved. I can't even imagine how much worse my life would be, if he were still around. Chandler is a much better match for her, than Richard. I know that she is aware of that, too.
She was just so depressed in the following weeks. She barely changed her clothes, didn't brush her hair, and barely smiled. Sometimes, she would wander the streets aimlessly. The nights were not much better. She wouldn't sleep because she was too upset, not only about the breakup, but she was afraid that she was more devastated than Richard was about their break up. She truly is the most competitive person I have ever met in my entire life.
One night, I awoke to hear quiet sobs coming from the living room. When I left my room, I was surprised to see my mother sitting in the living room, with all the lights out. When I walked over to her, I was able to see that her eyes were red and puffy from crying so much. There were also tissues scattered around the place. I was very worried then, because my mother is a complete neat freak. She has to be incredibly depressed to not clean up. She didn't even turn to look at me. She was just sitting on the sofa, her legs brought up to her chest, with her chin resting on top of her knees. She was staring at the wall in front of her. I walked over to her and sat down beside her. Then, I did something very unlike me—I put my arms around her. When I was younger, I hated to be affectionate with people. When adults would kiss me, I would wipe off the spit left behind on my cheek and whine bitterly. However, at that moment, I knew that my mother needed me. When she felt my arms around her, she placed me in her lap and hugged me tightly, like I was a stuffed animal. I didn't complain though. I just let her cry on my shoulder, and hold on to me. She finally fell asleep, still holding me in her arms.
Although my mother has told me that she appreciated that night, it didn't change anything in our relationship. We still fought constantly, especially about the little things. Whether it was that I left a mess in the bathroom or a teacher called home, it seemed like we were always arguing. She tried to raise me right though. She just didn't know how to. I guess I made things harder for her, too. I was constantly criticizing and complaining. The only person who could get me to smile when I was younger, was Chandler. I think that the main reason the two of us were able to turn to each other so much was that we both felt rejection in our lives. I felt rejected from my peers, but more importantly, from my mother. Chandler, on the other hand, dealt with some painful breakups and his childhood definitely was not one to envy. His parents divorced when he was nine, leaving him in the middle of their predicaments. Also, they were very busy with their careers and love lives for Chandler. Consequently, when we were together, we would usually do fun things to get our minds off our depressing lives. We also rarely had serious talks until I was much older.
Ever since Chandler and I bonded, he treated me like both his sister and his own daughter. He was always looking out for me, as well as trying to mend my relationship with my mom. But he never made things serious, ya know? He would make a game out of everything. Whether it was taking terrible tasting medicine or trying to get me to stay out of fights, he never came off demanding respect. That was why I could never listen to my mother, but was often able to listen to Chandler. But Chandler didn't just look out for me; he looked out for my mother, too.
For instance, my mom had lost her job due to an unfortunate 'steak incident.' To sum it up, she accepted steaks, thinking they were a gift. To her dismay, her boss considered them a bribe, and she was fired. I know that Chandler's heart had gone out to her after that incident, and then, even more so, when I came around. I mean my mom was supporting the two of us on a small salary that she earned from a sleazy, fifty's themed restaurant. Although I didn't notice it at the time, that was the only time my mother ever settled for something less than perfect. But she had no choice—she was supporting both of us on just one salary. All of her friends were willing to lend her money, but she was too proud to accept any of it. Besides for a small loan from Ross, she refused to accept any charity.
Chandler, on the other hand, wouldn't take no for an answer. The two of us had a game going on, where every week we would sneak money into my mother's wallet, when she left it unattended. It was a lot of fun, too, because Chandler would make it like we were secret agents.
"Ok," he would say as the two of us would sneak into the apartment, "The coast is clear."
"Gotcha," I answered as I would sneak into my mother's room and place the money in the wallet. He would always help me though, because my mother organized her bills according to value. The smallest bills would go in front, while the bigger bills, would be left in the back. She seriously has a system for everything. I actually continued that game on my own, without Chandler's knowledge, too.
See, my grandmother would place me in the middle of her and my mother's problems. She relied on me to divulge to her my mother's big secrets, but it would never come without a small bribe on her part.
"Ok," she offered to me, "I'll give you $20 to tell me all the secrets that your mother keeps from me."
"Sure," I agreed easily, accepting the bribe greedily.
"So…?"
"Well," I began, trying to pinpoint small secrets to pacify my grandmother; "She's not seeing anyone right now."
"Ok, what else?"
"Well, I found that," I explained, "You know that closet that's in the living room?"
"Yes?"
"Well, she keeps it locked because there's a giant mess in there."
She laughed at what I revealed. However, I could not believe her utter stupidity. She was so easy to please. I hadn't even told her the big secrets—like how my mom lost her job. I made a rule for myself, right then and there. I would not reveal the bigger secrets in my mother's life; the ones that she was ashamed of. And losing her job was probably her biggest grievance at that time.
However, it wasn't until later on that I decided not to keep the money. That afternoon, I was watching television with Phoebe and Rachel, when we heard my mother yell angrily.
"Damnit!"
"What's wrong Mon?" Rachel questioned as she came out of her room.
"I ripped my jeans. And I don't have the money to replace them."
I had my hand in my pocket when she said that, and I felt the twenty-dollar bill at my fingertips. That night, I gave that money to her. Ever since then, I would continue to give her the money I would con off of my grandmother. It made me feel less guilty for revealing her secrets. And it also made me feel good that I could help her. She endured a lot for me. Maybe I couldn't allow her to know that I cared, but I truly did.
TBC…
Ok, the second chapter is done. It's only like 9:45, yet I'm like falling asleep here. School really takes a lot outa you…especially when u have like a billion things to do for hw and after school activities, and all that shit. Teachers should realize that, and give less homework, don't u think? I'm sure I could get almost every student in the world to agree with me on that. Ok, I have to go shower b/c I smell like bromine from the damn pool b/c we had to swim in gym today (yes, bromine). I hate swimming, but I think that Thurs. is our last day of it. I sure hope so…we don't get enough time to change! Then I'm late to my next class, blah, blah, blah… Ok, I'll shut up now. Please leave me a review! Thanks for reading!:)