This is something I wrote when I was sort of depressed. Well, EVERYTHING I write under this pen name was written when I was depressed, probably. In any case, I hope you enjoy it. Miroku's POV, in case you can't tell.
Disclaimer: I don't own Inu Yasha.
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I wait until they're asleep, as usual. I rise, stretch my arms, and tip-toe out of the hut we were staying in. I don't bother taking my staff. Something may attack me, but I won't be totally defenseless. Whether I like it or not, I'll never be totally defenseless, because my best weapon is part of me. Maybe something will attack me, one of these nights, and maybe it'll kill me. The idea is more intriguing than frightening. I came to terms with death a long time ago.
I have to wait until they're asleep. After all, I'm the strong one. I have to be, because everyone else is so emotional. Even Inu Yasha, the invincible hanyou, has the liberty to get depressed or angry sometimes. Emotion has meant weakness to me, ever since I knew what the glove on my hand meant. It meant I was a dead man walking. I first understood this when I saw my father, may he rest in peace, be destroyed by his curse. That night, I ran away. I didn't know where I was going, or why, or how to get back and I didn't care. I cried. I didn't know what else to do. A youkai attacked me once. In a panic, as a small boy has a right to be, I opened my air rip on it. It was sucked in, and I closed it, then started crying again, because I knew it was that that would kill me someday. By the fourth day, I was half-starved, exhausted, depressed, and generally miserable, and I decided it was because of the emotion brought on by my father's death. The solution seemed simple- I would never show any emotion, I would banish all traces of the fiend from my life. With this new idea in mind, I started trying to find my way back home.
Life doesn't work that way, though. Emotion is human, and I am human. So, in an effort to leave emotion behind like a broken toy, all I've done is created two mes. There's the me that I am in the day, all smiles, cheer, and the occasional perverted action. Sometimes it's a welcome refuge from reality. I must admit, once I manage to put on a good smile, it does make me feel better. Sometimes. I slip of my sandals and wiggle my bare toes in the grass. It offers some sort of small, strange, comfort. It also makes my toes cold. I put my sandals back on and just look up at the sky. Stars are strewn across the dark sky, as if someone had taken a bucket of them and spilled them over the blanket of night. But it's not the stars that fascinate me. It's the void. Have you ever thought about the void, really thought about it? It's totally empty, an emptiness that somehow stretches on for all of eternity. At least that's what Kagome-sama says. The eternity thing is what really gets me. It's like it could just swallow you whole, leave no trace at all. I would like that, I think. It would be so silent, so dark, and at the same time, so peaceful. But it would be lonely out there… so lonely…
…As if it wasn't already. The day me isn't really me- it's just like a mask I wear. Many people wear masks, intentionally or unintentionally. Sango wears a mask, too. She wears a mask of bravery, courage, and strength in the day, but sometimes on my nights out here, she comes too. She doesn't know I'm here. I hide behind a tree or any other available cover, because I'm just that pervert that she travels with. I would probably just make things worse. So I watch her as she takes of her mask, when she thinks no one's looking, and cries. It hurts to watch her, because I want to comfort her, or do something. But I can't. With her mask, she uses it to fool the world. Sometimes, though, she lets it down even with the world around. So we all know her, whether she wants us to or not. I, on the other hand, have been practicing all my life. I can't think of anyone who I could really talk to, totally openly, and let them under my mask to know me. Not since my father died. So even though I live with them, I talk to them every day, it's really very lonely.
The second me is the night me. I have to take off my mask occasionally, so I do it at night, when everyone else is asleep. I said my day me makes me feel better sometimes, didn't I? Well the only problem with that is when I stop pretending everything's alright, reality comes crashing down on me. Ever been hit with a fast-moving slab of wood, or maybe run into a stone wall at high speeds? Well it feels sort of like that, except maybe a little more painful. I don't know which is worse- seeing death looming over you, the feelings of helplessness that you can't do anything about it, the bitter taste of failure when you're no further at the end of the day than you were at the beginning, or the loneliness knowing there's no one you can talk to. So the night me sits, thinks about all these things, and more. Sometimes I meditate, but my concentration seems to be wearing thinner and thinner these days. When I feel ready, I'll go back inside and sleep again, so when the sun creeps up the next day, I'll be ready to don my mask, turn into the day me, and go on with life.
Most people know who they're fooling when they wear their mask. Sango wears it to fool the world, as I said, and Shippou wears it to fool himself into thinking he's actually mature and useful. Don't get me wrong, I love the little kitsune, but I know his mask is too weak to work. Me? I'm not sure who I'm trying to fool. A few years ago, if you asked why I acted so cheerful, I could promptly tell you it was because I didn't want to trouble others with my sorrows. Not that I would tell you that, but that's not the point. Now, I'm not so sure. I wear it as much to fool myself as I do to fool the world. If I walked around as my night self all the time, I would probably end up killing myself. My days are numbered anyways… for all I know, I might die in two minutes, or even two seconds. So why not go ahead and kill myself now, get it over with?
It's their fault. I roll onto my side with an angry huff, clenching my fists and closing my eyes, but I don't know who I'm angry at. It was my fault for getting so close to them. I can't kill myself because they would hurt. It's an awful mistake to make friends when you're staring death in the face. The only mistake that could be would be to fall in love.
"Houshi-sama?" a voice calls. Houshi-sama. Must be Sango. I open my eyes and turn back into my day me, forcing a smile into place. It feels so sticky, far too sweet for my mood. Sango's standing behind me, eyebrow quirked. Her voice is enchanting, and the starlight shines on her hair, making it look like she's wearing a halo. Truly, she's an angel from the heavens. An angel of death, perhaps, with her deadly fighting skills, but an angel of death is still an angel.
Well damn, I guess I've gone and fallen in love, too. Makes me twice the fool.
"Houshi-sama, what are you doing out here?"
"Thinking," I reply. It's the lamest excuse I've ever heard.
"About what?" she asked dubiously. I smile and stand up.
"Need you ask?"
She slaps me. I expect it. With grumbles of pervert, she stomps back inside, and I follow her. I'm tired. Besides, I need to be able to get up tomorrow and put my mask back on, to continue with life, just one more day…
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Hmm, that needs MAJOR revisions. Most things I write at 2:00 AM do. Oh well, up it goes, flame it if you like. My dark mood would probably swallow up the flames anyways. Aaaah, reviews are welcome, and may get me writing on something a little less depressing again.