The Hastily Planned Party
By Aguachica
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
"Hey, Fanfic Writer of Doom, is this Party exclusive?" called Frodo to the Fanfic Writer of Doom, who was alternately dancing with Legolas and Pippin. And sometimes, when she felt really ambitious, both at once.
"Of course," she replied. "Do you think we'd let someone like Lobelia Sackville-Baggins in here? She'd probably try to take the place by force."
As she spoke, there was a knock at the door. The Fanfic Writer of Doom stopped dancing and looked up grimly. "I'll get that."
She exited the room and opened the door. The Fellowship (Frodo, Legolas, Pippin, Sam, and Merry), all held their breath. The sound of a door being opened, a gasp of horror, and the sound of a door being slammed in someone's face, and the click of a door being locked followed.
The Fanfic Writer of Doom paraded back into the room, confident that she had done a great favor for Hobbit- and Elf-kind.
"Who was that?"
"Oh, just Lobelia."
The Fellowship set themselves to barricading the door, just in case Lobelia had brought her usual lock pick with her.
Outside, a very angry dwarf was banging on the door. The Fanfic Writer of Doom opened the door and hung a freshly painted sign on the doorknob. "Can't you read? It clearly says 'NO PETS ALLOWED'. Have a nice day.
Back inside the Fellowship was waiting again for the Life of the Party. "Well?" They asked.
"Salesman. Small, hairy salesman."
"Wait a minute," Cried Frodo. "That sounds exactly like Gimli." He ran to the door, closely followed by the Fellowship, and opened the door. Then Frodo saw the sign on the door.
"Oh, I'm sorry Gimli," Said Frodo, his face clouding with regret. "We don't allow pets."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom saw a new entertainment source. "Well, Frodo, if you really want him to come?" Frodo nodded vigorously. "He can come if he stays on his leash."
Frodo leapt to his feet and got a long leash, which he attached to the dwarf's collar. Gimli wagged his tail in anticipation of going for a walk. All the Hobbits gathered around to feed him doggie treats and to pat his soft fur. Pippin even got to play a game of fetch with him before the next guests arrived. All agreed that Gimli was much more fun this way.
The next guests were Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn oozed into the house. The Fanfic Writer of Doom called from the kitchen. "Oy, Aragorn, is that you? I thought I smelled grease. I wanted to fix the dwarf some scrambled eggs. Would you kindly bring your hair over here?"
Aragorn came over, stopping briefly to scratch Gilmi's ears. He put his head near the frying pan and shook his head lightly. The eggs started frying at once.
"Good job, Aragorn. How's Arwen?"
"I dunno. She filed for a divorce before we were even married. She was showing me her new dress and asked if I liked it. I did, so I nodded my head."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom winced as she tried to imagine what kind of shape a dress would be in after that trauma. Not a pretty thought. "Well, that's too bad, Aragorn. But I bet that that a lot of girls will be happy that Arwen's out of the picture-once you get your hair washed."
Aragorn winced at the idea of washing his hair. He'd hate to break his record. The Fanfic Writer of Doom decided to play around with the characters a bit more. "Okay Aragorn lets get your hair clean. On the count of three. One. Two. Three."
"No, please, not the hair. Anything but the hair." Sobbed Aragorn as he backed away. This was, of course, the wrong thing to do. The Fanfic Writer of Doom always does the exact opposite of what you want her to do.
"Don't worry, Aragorn. This will hurt you more then it hurts me." The Fanfic Writer of Doom tried to snap her fingers, failed, and clapped her hands instead. Instantly the grease left Aragorn's hair, and everyone gasped. Aragorn had clean, shiny, wavy, light blond hair.
Legolas got a look of jealousy on his face, but the Fanfic Writer of Doom walked over to him and whispered, "Watch". The Fellowship watched, and before their eyes, Aragorn's hair became greasy. Within five minutes, it was black and dripping with grease.
Frodo looked at the others. "Well, that was fun."
~@~
Then another knock came at the door. It was Gandalf. The Fanfic Writer of Doom surprised everyone by not tormenting him. She still remembered the time when he had turned her into an orc for a day. That had been very humiliating and she had no desire to repeat that experience.
Next Saruman arrived. They let him in because Gandalf was boring. "Hey Gandalf, are these the friends you were talking about? They look like they could use an avalanche brought down on their heads, if you know what I mean." Saruman winked. Then he said, "The treasure is at the big W in Mount Doom." The Fanfic Writer of Doom threw a bucket at him. Saruman kicked the bucket and died.
Everyone looked at the Fanfic Writer of Doom. "Well, I say we can all split the treasure. I can use my share to pay for my wedding dress." She smiled at Legolas. Pippin looked rather left out. "Oh, sorry Pippin, I mean my wedding dresses." Pippin looked confused. No one in the room felt brave enough to ask her to clarify herself.
Aragorn tried to take the lead. "Okay, we will split it ten ways."
"Wait," objected Boromir, "Can we count Gimli? He is, after all, a pet."
"Arf." said Gimli.
"Nine ways." agreed Aragorn. "Let's go!"
"Wait," said the Fanfic Writer of Doom. Everyone turned to look at her. "I wanted to try something." She clapped her hands and made Aragorn's hair clean. All the dust and dirt flew to Aragorn like a magnet. Frodo looked at his home.
"Hey, it's clean!"
"And I have a new money making idea. Come on Aragorn, let's take a walk." The Fanfic Writer of Doom dragged Aragorn out the door.
~@~
They arrived at Gaffer Gamgee's house a few seconds later. Aragorn as gasping for air, but the Fanfic Writer of Doom was merely excited. She hammered politely on the door until the Gaffer answered it.
"Hello, I am the Fanfic Writer of Doom, and this is my cleaning machine, Aragorn. We would like to offer to clean your house for, well, what do you think would be fair?"
The Gaffer did what anyone would do. He replied "Let's see how good of a job you do first."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom knew better then to argue with that sort of statement, so she clapped her hands. All the dust and grime flew to Aragorn's hair. The Gaffer looked stunned for a moment, then headed for the bar and a much needed drink.
"Wonder what's wrong with him?" The Fanfic Writer of Doom commented. "We're done, but he isn't here." The light of understanding dawned in her eyes. "I know! He wanted us to pick our own reward, right Aragorn?"
Aragorn doubted that that was the idea, but he went along with it just because. He and the Fanfic Writer of Doom evenly split everything in the house, right down to the last crumb in the pantry.
~@~
"You raided the Gaffer's Hobbit hole?" asked a wide-eyed Sam.
"Let's go to Mount Doom now." Said the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
~@~
They arrived on Mount Doom with a pop. "Hey, Mount Doom. I think this place is right down my ally." Said the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
Aragorn looked alarmed. "Why didn't we walk? We missed a great number of quests."
"I remembered how boring it was the last time we walked. I wasn't going through that again."
"Oh."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom tried to change the subject. "Hey, look, it's Saron. Everybody wave!"
~@~
Three hours later in Saron's dungeon, the Fellowship and the Fanfic Writer of Doom were planning mutiny. Well, the Fellowship was, anyway.
"Hey wait, guys, I didn't know he had a dungeon. This is a new scientific breakthrough!" Protested the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
Gandalf glared at her. "Neither did we, but now we're in it." The Fanfic Writer of Doom was getting real annoyed with their attitude. "Well, if you're gonna act like that, you'd better think again. I want to be appreciated!" She cried, using her Writing power.
"We love you, Fanfic Writer of Doom." The Fellowship chorused. Then they launched into several rounds of "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow" until the Fanfic Writer of Doom was satisfied.
Aragorn was the first to gain control of his mind. Now he knew how to behave. He smiled politely. "Now, O great and powerful Fanfic Writer of Doom, will you please extend your mighty powers and free us from bondage?"
The Fanfic Writer of Doom blinked and nodded, unable to say anything except "Why didn't I think of that?"
~@~
Instead of returning to the Shire, the Fellowship appeared in the throne room of Saron. The giant eye looked startled. Had Saron had an eyelid, his eye would have widened.
Saron recovered quickly. "I had been expecting you to come to my castle with the Ming." He said.
The Fanfic Writer of Doom looked interested. "Why? I don't remember getting an invitation. And how do you talk without a mouth?"
Saron thought about that for a while.
"Wait, wait," piped up you-guess-who, "How do you think without a brain?"
Saron opened his mouth to reply, but realized he couldn't talk without a mouth.
The Fanfic Writer of Doom grabbed a long metal stick, dipped it in soap, and poked Saron in the eye. "I've always wanted to do that." She said as Saron bounced up and down in pain. They went back to the Shire before Saron could recover or figure out how to talk and call the guards.
~@~
The Fanfic Writer of Doom sat next to the Fellowship on the floor. They were chatting happily about their latest adventure. Then the Fanfic Writer of Doom remembered something. "Hey, Legolas, Pippin, When are we getting married? I think you forgot to propose to me. I accept, of course, but I would like formal proposals."
Aragorn looked up. "From which one?"
"Both, DUH."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom looked up when there was no reply. "Guys? Now where did they all go? GUYS?????"
The End A/N: This is the end of this story, anyway. The next part will be a flashback, either of The Fanfic Writer of Doom when she was young and playing with young Hobbits, OR it will be of her day as an Orc that was mentioned in LotM 1. If my faithful reviewers would like to influence my decision, review and vote for the next episode. It may take awhile, as I am going through a devilry called High School level Homework. If you are not acquainted with this term, I can give you free samples.
When you review, please remember: If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
"Hey, Fanfic Writer of Doom, is this Party exclusive?" called Frodo to the Fanfic Writer of Doom, who was alternately dancing with Legolas and Pippin. And sometimes, when she felt really ambitious, both at once.
"Of course," she replied. "Do you think we'd let someone like Lobelia Sackville-Baggins in here? She'd probably try to take the place by force."
As she spoke, there was a knock at the door. The Fanfic Writer of Doom stopped dancing and looked up grimly. "I'll get that."
She exited the room and opened the door. The Fellowship (Frodo, Legolas, Pippin, Sam, and Merry), all held their breath. The sound of a door being opened, a gasp of horror, and the sound of a door being slammed in someone's face, and the click of a door being locked followed.
The Fanfic Writer of Doom paraded back into the room, confident that she had done a great favor for Hobbit- and Elf-kind.
"Who was that?"
"Oh, just Lobelia."
The Fellowship set themselves to barricading the door, just in case Lobelia had brought her usual lock pick with her.
Outside, a very angry dwarf was banging on the door. The Fanfic Writer of Doom opened the door and hung a freshly painted sign on the doorknob. "Can't you read? It clearly says 'NO PETS ALLOWED'. Have a nice day.
Back inside the Fellowship was waiting again for the Life of the Party. "Well?" They asked.
"Salesman. Small, hairy salesman."
"Wait a minute," Cried Frodo. "That sounds exactly like Gimli." He ran to the door, closely followed by the Fellowship, and opened the door. Then Frodo saw the sign on the door.
"Oh, I'm sorry Gimli," Said Frodo, his face clouding with regret. "We don't allow pets."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom saw a new entertainment source. "Well, Frodo, if you really want him to come?" Frodo nodded vigorously. "He can come if he stays on his leash."
Frodo leapt to his feet and got a long leash, which he attached to the dwarf's collar. Gimli wagged his tail in anticipation of going for a walk. All the Hobbits gathered around to feed him doggie treats and to pat his soft fur. Pippin even got to play a game of fetch with him before the next guests arrived. All agreed that Gimli was much more fun this way.
The next guests were Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn oozed into the house. The Fanfic Writer of Doom called from the kitchen. "Oy, Aragorn, is that you? I thought I smelled grease. I wanted to fix the dwarf some scrambled eggs. Would you kindly bring your hair over here?"
Aragorn came over, stopping briefly to scratch Gilmi's ears. He put his head near the frying pan and shook his head lightly. The eggs started frying at once.
"Good job, Aragorn. How's Arwen?"
"I dunno. She filed for a divorce before we were even married. She was showing me her new dress and asked if I liked it. I did, so I nodded my head."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom winced as she tried to imagine what kind of shape a dress would be in after that trauma. Not a pretty thought. "Well, that's too bad, Aragorn. But I bet that that a lot of girls will be happy that Arwen's out of the picture-once you get your hair washed."
Aragorn winced at the idea of washing his hair. He'd hate to break his record. The Fanfic Writer of Doom decided to play around with the characters a bit more. "Okay Aragorn lets get your hair clean. On the count of three. One. Two. Three."
"No, please, not the hair. Anything but the hair." Sobbed Aragorn as he backed away. This was, of course, the wrong thing to do. The Fanfic Writer of Doom always does the exact opposite of what you want her to do.
"Don't worry, Aragorn. This will hurt you more then it hurts me." The Fanfic Writer of Doom tried to snap her fingers, failed, and clapped her hands instead. Instantly the grease left Aragorn's hair, and everyone gasped. Aragorn had clean, shiny, wavy, light blond hair.
Legolas got a look of jealousy on his face, but the Fanfic Writer of Doom walked over to him and whispered, "Watch". The Fellowship watched, and before their eyes, Aragorn's hair became greasy. Within five minutes, it was black and dripping with grease.
Frodo looked at the others. "Well, that was fun."
~@~
Then another knock came at the door. It was Gandalf. The Fanfic Writer of Doom surprised everyone by not tormenting him. She still remembered the time when he had turned her into an orc for a day. That had been very humiliating and she had no desire to repeat that experience.
Next Saruman arrived. They let him in because Gandalf was boring. "Hey Gandalf, are these the friends you were talking about? They look like they could use an avalanche brought down on their heads, if you know what I mean." Saruman winked. Then he said, "The treasure is at the big W in Mount Doom." The Fanfic Writer of Doom threw a bucket at him. Saruman kicked the bucket and died.
Everyone looked at the Fanfic Writer of Doom. "Well, I say we can all split the treasure. I can use my share to pay for my wedding dress." She smiled at Legolas. Pippin looked rather left out. "Oh, sorry Pippin, I mean my wedding dresses." Pippin looked confused. No one in the room felt brave enough to ask her to clarify herself.
Aragorn tried to take the lead. "Okay, we will split it ten ways."
"Wait," objected Boromir, "Can we count Gimli? He is, after all, a pet."
"Arf." said Gimli.
"Nine ways." agreed Aragorn. "Let's go!"
"Wait," said the Fanfic Writer of Doom. Everyone turned to look at her. "I wanted to try something." She clapped her hands and made Aragorn's hair clean. All the dust and dirt flew to Aragorn like a magnet. Frodo looked at his home.
"Hey, it's clean!"
"And I have a new money making idea. Come on Aragorn, let's take a walk." The Fanfic Writer of Doom dragged Aragorn out the door.
~@~
They arrived at Gaffer Gamgee's house a few seconds later. Aragorn as gasping for air, but the Fanfic Writer of Doom was merely excited. She hammered politely on the door until the Gaffer answered it.
"Hello, I am the Fanfic Writer of Doom, and this is my cleaning machine, Aragorn. We would like to offer to clean your house for, well, what do you think would be fair?"
The Gaffer did what anyone would do. He replied "Let's see how good of a job you do first."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom knew better then to argue with that sort of statement, so she clapped her hands. All the dust and grime flew to Aragorn's hair. The Gaffer looked stunned for a moment, then headed for the bar and a much needed drink.
"Wonder what's wrong with him?" The Fanfic Writer of Doom commented. "We're done, but he isn't here." The light of understanding dawned in her eyes. "I know! He wanted us to pick our own reward, right Aragorn?"
Aragorn doubted that that was the idea, but he went along with it just because. He and the Fanfic Writer of Doom evenly split everything in the house, right down to the last crumb in the pantry.
~@~
"You raided the Gaffer's Hobbit hole?" asked a wide-eyed Sam.
"Let's go to Mount Doom now." Said the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
~@~
They arrived on Mount Doom with a pop. "Hey, Mount Doom. I think this place is right down my ally." Said the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
Aragorn looked alarmed. "Why didn't we walk? We missed a great number of quests."
"I remembered how boring it was the last time we walked. I wasn't going through that again."
"Oh."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom tried to change the subject. "Hey, look, it's Saron. Everybody wave!"
~@~
Three hours later in Saron's dungeon, the Fellowship and the Fanfic Writer of Doom were planning mutiny. Well, the Fellowship was, anyway.
"Hey wait, guys, I didn't know he had a dungeon. This is a new scientific breakthrough!" Protested the Fanfic Writer of Doom.
Gandalf glared at her. "Neither did we, but now we're in it." The Fanfic Writer of Doom was getting real annoyed with their attitude. "Well, if you're gonna act like that, you'd better think again. I want to be appreciated!" She cried, using her Writing power.
"We love you, Fanfic Writer of Doom." The Fellowship chorused. Then they launched into several rounds of "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow" until the Fanfic Writer of Doom was satisfied.
Aragorn was the first to gain control of his mind. Now he knew how to behave. He smiled politely. "Now, O great and powerful Fanfic Writer of Doom, will you please extend your mighty powers and free us from bondage?"
The Fanfic Writer of Doom blinked and nodded, unable to say anything except "Why didn't I think of that?"
~@~
Instead of returning to the Shire, the Fellowship appeared in the throne room of Saron. The giant eye looked startled. Had Saron had an eyelid, his eye would have widened.
Saron recovered quickly. "I had been expecting you to come to my castle with the Ming." He said.
The Fanfic Writer of Doom looked interested. "Why? I don't remember getting an invitation. And how do you talk without a mouth?"
Saron thought about that for a while.
"Wait, wait," piped up you-guess-who, "How do you think without a brain?"
Saron opened his mouth to reply, but realized he couldn't talk without a mouth.
The Fanfic Writer of Doom grabbed a long metal stick, dipped it in soap, and poked Saron in the eye. "I've always wanted to do that." She said as Saron bounced up and down in pain. They went back to the Shire before Saron could recover or figure out how to talk and call the guards.
~@~
The Fanfic Writer of Doom sat next to the Fellowship on the floor. They were chatting happily about their latest adventure. Then the Fanfic Writer of Doom remembered something. "Hey, Legolas, Pippin, When are we getting married? I think you forgot to propose to me. I accept, of course, but I would like formal proposals."
Aragorn looked up. "From which one?"
"Both, DUH."
The Fanfic Writer of Doom looked up when there was no reply. "Guys? Now where did they all go? GUYS?????"
The End A/N: This is the end of this story, anyway. The next part will be a flashback, either of The Fanfic Writer of Doom when she was young and playing with young Hobbits, OR it will be of her day as an Orc that was mentioned in LotM 1. If my faithful reviewers would like to influence my decision, review and vote for the next episode. It may take awhile, as I am going through a devilry called High School level Homework. If you are not acquainted with this term, I can give you free samples.
When you review, please remember: If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.