Poor Peter Newkirk
By Aguachica
Disclaimer: Please note that I do not own anything. I own Nnnnothing!
I would also like to add that reviews are accepted. Reviews are liked. Well, reviews are lapped up with adoration, shall we say.
It was the year 2002. Emily sat at her computer, admiring her picture of Peter Newkirk. He was just too handsome! She gave the background image a gentle kiss.
As she touched it, she was sucked into a whirlpool. Or at least that's what she thought it felt like. She had never been sucked into a whirlpool before, except in her computer game. She barely had time to grab her 59 pictures of Richard Dawson as Corporal Peter Newkirk (the love of her life). Then everything turned black.
Emily opened her eyes. Hmmm. So that's why everything was black. My eyes were closed. She thought. The she noticed she was falling. From pretty far up, too. She said her last words just in case. "Eeeeek!!!"
Luckily, she landed on a rather soft surface. General Burkhalter lay facedown in the mud, knocked senseless by the unexpected bump of Emily using him as a landing strip.
Hogan had come out with the rest of his gang to see what Burkhalter wanted. Seeing Burkhalter getting clobbered by a girl falling out of the sky was too much for them. Only Hogan was able to keep his composure, though tears of laughter were streaming from his eyes. Sergeant Andrew Carter was on the ground, rolling with laughter. He bumped into Newkirk while he was there, tripping the Englishman and sending him sprawling. That was okay; as Newkirk had been close to collapse anyway. Sergeant James Ivan Kinchloe and Corporal Louis LeBeau were leaning on each other for support, as they literally howled with laughter.
Colonel Wilhelm Klink stepped out of his office at that moment. He nearly fainted at the sight. He immediately started screaming orders at the world in general.
The prisoners quickly got over their mirth at the thought of the Cooler. They could leave the Cooler at any time, but it was funner to be legally out. Burkhalter's guards shoved a dazed Emily off of their superior officer. Then, panting with effort, they carried Burkhalter to the guest quarters to recover.
The guards immediately took Emily to the cooler, after looking up to see if any more girls were going to knock out anyone else. Emily was seeing spots and she had no clue where she was. She was soon to find out.
General Burkhalter opened the door to the outside world cautiously. After looking up, he stepped out and quickly put up an umbrella. After a long rest, he was ready to speak to Klink and get outta the prison camp. Every time he came here, something bad happened to him or to Germany in general.
He raced to Klink's office and dived inside, slamming the door after him. He walked to Klink and puffed out a message. "That girl.She will now be a prisoner of war.I don't even want her interrogated.just put her in a barracks.put her in with Hogan.let him put up with her.let me out of here!"
Burkhalter raced out of the office and leapt into his car. He started the car and went tearing out of the camp, leaving his personal guards running after the speeding car.
Emily was brought to barracks 2. The guard left her there. "Welcome to Stalag 13! Meet your new companions!" Hogan said.
Emily looked at the men he was referring to. Inevitably, she spied Newkirk. "NEWKIRK!!!!!!!!!" She screeched. She made a mad dash for the terrified POW and jumped into his arms. He caught her instinctively; catching her was the easy part, putting her down was tricky.
Newkirk tried to set her down, but she had a grip on him unlike any death grip he had ever felt. He then tried to drop her by taking his hands off her, but she didn't move. He turned his head to try to avoid her kisses. "COLONEL HOGAN! HELP!"
Hogan was puzzled. This was not anything he had expected. Newkirk was crying for his help; actually the Englishman was now asking for help from him, one of the heroes, a prisoner, and he was now asking for a Gestapo guard. He would soon accept help from Hitler himself.
Hogan finally motioned to his team. They all ran over and tried to pry Emily from Newkirk. Eventually, Kinchloe grabbed LeBeau's footlocker and began beating her over the head with it. He only accomplished putting a large dent in the footlocker.
"Hey," cried LeBeau, his eyes wide "You broke my footlocker! Why didn't you use your own footlocker?"
"Sorry, Louie. I didn't think about that."
"You wouldn't." grumbled LeBeau.
Hogan ran over and gave Emily a picture of Newkirk, and she promptly fainted. They were then able to pry her off with a crowbar.
After he was freed, Newkirk made a sprinting world record! He dashed to Hogan's quarters. The heroes could hear the audible sound of the door being locked and barricaded.
Hogan went up to the door and knocked. "Newkirk, it's Colonel Hogan. She is out of it. Would you like to come out?"
Newkirk's muffled voice came back to him. "No, go away. I won't come out until someone shoots that rabid beast."
Hogan sighed in surrender. "Okay, Newkirk. Suit yourself. We'll check on you tomorrow. I'll be sleeping on your bunk. Maybe you can open the door in a few hours, just to get your dinner?"
"I'll think about it." Was all the response Hogan got. This was definitely not an ordinary - or fun - day. Hogan then turned his attention to the unconscious girl.
"Okay, men. Here's what we do. We'll tie her feet to the bunk Carter and I will be sleeping in. Just for precaution, we'll tie her hands behind her back and to our footlocker."
No one took a step forward to tie her up. Hogan winced and did it himself.
Newkirk opened the door to the rest of the barracks. LeBeau nodded to the sleeping fan girl, who was tied to the bunk and Carter's footlocker. Carter was taking a nap on his bunk. Newkirk saw a large plate full of LeBeau's delicious cooking. He decided to risk a quick trip out to get food.
As Newkirk quietly closed the door and moved toward the food, Emily sat bolt upright. "NEWKIRK!!!!" She screamed, foaming at the mouth. Newkirk leapt forward, grabbed the food, and dashed back to the room, running over LeBeau on his way. Emily flew off her cot and raced toward the door.
"HELP!" Screamed Carter, as his bunk was towed across the room at 100 miles per hour. He made crash landing on the floor and was immediately run over by his footlocker. Rabid Fan girls have super-strength when they are on the hunt!
Hogan ran to where Carter was lying on the floor. "Ooof" Ooofed Carter. Hogan helped him up. He didn't seem to be badly injured. Then Hogan went to check on LeBeau, who had been run over by Newkirk. LeBeau seemed to have gotten a boot in his face, as he could wiggle several teeth. His nose was also broken, and squashed flat. He was very angry. Then Hogan went over to Emily, who was trying to break down the door.
Hogan took her, opened the footlocker, and put her inside of it. Then he locked it. He was severely tempted to put a label on it that said to the Gestapo without love on it and ship her off express to Gestapo Headquarters in Berlin. After all, she had injured two of his men and had another one too terrified to show himself.
Then an idea came to him. Kinch looked at him with curious eyes. "What are you gonna do about her, Colonel? I don't think Newkirk can last much longer in there. I don't think LeBeau's gonna offer him any more meals, after that experience."
Hogan almost danced with excitement. "I know what to do! Where's Carter?"
Carter wobbled up; he was unable to walk in a straight line. "I'm here, Colonel. What do ya want, sir?"
Hogan's face lit up. "Carter, my friend, what's the most powerful explosives you have? Wait. What are the most powerful explosives the world has made so far?"
Kinch rolled his eyes and stepped forward. "Colonel, I don't think that would be very humane. I also don't think that London would appreciate you blowing up Stalag 13." Kinch mentally added 'and us'.
Hogan still looked hopeful. "Well, maybe we could tie her to a rock and throw her off a cliff?"
Kinch firmly shook his head. "No violence, sir. But I think I have a plan. LeBeau is the smallest, we're gonna get him to sneak around to the window in your - sorry, Newkirk's - quarters. He will take Newkirk's hat and coat. We will tell Emily that if she will leave, we will give them to her. We will stuff her in Burkhalter's car next time he comes. Now that that's done, you should go get some rest, Colonel Hogan, sir."
It was a great idea.
LeBeau was dressed entirely in black, except for the large bandage that was holding his nose in shape. He hated to help Newkirk after the trampling he had given him, but it was Kinch's order.
He slipped under the windowsill and tapped it softly. The tap barely made a noise, but Newkirk was so tense that he jumped anyway. He peeked out the window and relaxed when he saw it was only LeBeau. "Hey, Louis. What is it?" He suddenly noticed the large bandage on his friend's nose. "What happened to your nose, mate? Did you get into a fight?"
LeBeau was shocked - not to mention angry - that Newkirk didn't know what happened. "Don't you remember, mon ami?" He said in a kind voice. Then his voice got considerably less kind. "I was attacked by a filthy Englishman, who happens to be a Boche in disguise."
Newkirk was shocked. "You mean Colonel Crittendon is here? When did that old nuisance arrive?"
LeBeau raised his fist to Newkirk's nose. "Are all the British this stupid? You, mon ami, were the one who broke my nose. Now, do you want to spend the rest of your life in there? Kinch has come up with a plan to get that girl out of here."
"Colonel Hogan didn't come up with one?"
"No," LeBeau looked around for listeners and spies. "He suggested some very violent ways of killing her, then went to bed. He was talking to himself all night. I think mon Colonel has finally snapped."
"It was bound to happen. Now, how do we get rid of the girl?"
"Well, we will bribe Emily with your coat and hat. I've seen her looking at them many times. Then we will give them to her, put her in Burkhalter's car, and we'll never hear from her again. Hopefully we'll never hear from Burkhalter again, either."
Newkirk protested to giving up his clothes. "But the only reason she was staring at my coat and hat was because I was in them! I like these! I don't want to give them to her!" "Stop being a baby. Would you rather keep the hat, AND the girl?"
Newkirk threw the coat at him and slammed the hat over LeBeau's eyes.
The next morning there came a knock on the barracks door. Kinch opened it, looking purely terrified at who it might be.
A girl came bursting into the room. "Hello, is this Stalag 13?" She glanced around the room. " LIKE, IT'S CARTER! SNUGGLE-UMS!"
Carter dashed to Hogan's quarters, screaming.
"AAAHHHH!!!!!" Yelled LeBeau, as he was, once again, trampled flat first by Carter, then by the new girl in hot pursuit.
"Hey Lisa, nice of you to join me!" Called Emily from her place in the footlocker.
"THIS IS LIKE, SO, LIKE, TOTALLY AWESOME! LIKE, CARTER'S HERE! OR, LIKE, CARTER WAS, LIKE, HERE! I, LIKE, TOTALLY WONDER, LIKE, WHERE IS HE? HE, LIKE, TOTALLY, LIKE, DISAPPEARED!" Commented Lisa.
Hogan got up from the bunk, where he'd been staring at the ceiling for the past night, and walked over to where the two girls were chatting. He opened the footlocker and removed Emily and the coat and hat she was clinging to.
"WOW, DID YOU, LIKE, SLEEP, LIKE, IN THERE? YOUR HAIR IS, LIKE, SO, LIKE, FRIZZY! YOU, LIKE, SO NEED, LIKE, YOUR HAIR, LIKE, WASHED!" Lisa pointed out.
Hogan tucked Emily under one arm and Lisa under the other. He strode outside and dumped them in Burkhalter's car. Then he walked off, whistling.
Meanwhile, in Burkhalter's moving car, the girls were starting trouble. "WOW, LIKE, WOULD YOU, LIKE, BELIEVE THIS! I, LIKE, TOTALLY HAVE MY CD PLAYER, LIKE WITH ME!"
"Oooh! Let's play this CD!"
*BLAM!!!!!* The car blew up from intensity of the sound waves from the "music". General Burkhalter found himself facedown in another mud puddle, with a dazed guard sitting on him.
Emily and Lisa found themselves back in their rooms, staring at the pictures on Newkirk and Carter. And in Emily's case, cuddling her new coat and hat.
The boys at Stalag 13 recovered nicely, although it is said that Newkirk didn't go out with girls named Emily anymore, and that Carter stayed well away from girls called Lisa. As for Colonel Robert E. Hogan, his crazy schemes got even crazier; naturally, no one was able to tell the difference.
The End
A/N: I like reviews as much as the next author, but please keep in mind "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"! I feel really ashamed of myself, putting my story up here with all these masterpieces!
By Aguachica
Disclaimer: Please note that I do not own anything. I own Nnnnothing!
I would also like to add that reviews are accepted. Reviews are liked. Well, reviews are lapped up with adoration, shall we say.
It was the year 2002. Emily sat at her computer, admiring her picture of Peter Newkirk. He was just too handsome! She gave the background image a gentle kiss.
As she touched it, she was sucked into a whirlpool. Or at least that's what she thought it felt like. She had never been sucked into a whirlpool before, except in her computer game. She barely had time to grab her 59 pictures of Richard Dawson as Corporal Peter Newkirk (the love of her life). Then everything turned black.
Emily opened her eyes. Hmmm. So that's why everything was black. My eyes were closed. She thought. The she noticed she was falling. From pretty far up, too. She said her last words just in case. "Eeeeek!!!"
Luckily, she landed on a rather soft surface. General Burkhalter lay facedown in the mud, knocked senseless by the unexpected bump of Emily using him as a landing strip.
Hogan had come out with the rest of his gang to see what Burkhalter wanted. Seeing Burkhalter getting clobbered by a girl falling out of the sky was too much for them. Only Hogan was able to keep his composure, though tears of laughter were streaming from his eyes. Sergeant Andrew Carter was on the ground, rolling with laughter. He bumped into Newkirk while he was there, tripping the Englishman and sending him sprawling. That was okay; as Newkirk had been close to collapse anyway. Sergeant James Ivan Kinchloe and Corporal Louis LeBeau were leaning on each other for support, as they literally howled with laughter.
Colonel Wilhelm Klink stepped out of his office at that moment. He nearly fainted at the sight. He immediately started screaming orders at the world in general.
The prisoners quickly got over their mirth at the thought of the Cooler. They could leave the Cooler at any time, but it was funner to be legally out. Burkhalter's guards shoved a dazed Emily off of their superior officer. Then, panting with effort, they carried Burkhalter to the guest quarters to recover.
The guards immediately took Emily to the cooler, after looking up to see if any more girls were going to knock out anyone else. Emily was seeing spots and she had no clue where she was. She was soon to find out.
General Burkhalter opened the door to the outside world cautiously. After looking up, he stepped out and quickly put up an umbrella. After a long rest, he was ready to speak to Klink and get outta the prison camp. Every time he came here, something bad happened to him or to Germany in general.
He raced to Klink's office and dived inside, slamming the door after him. He walked to Klink and puffed out a message. "That girl.She will now be a prisoner of war.I don't even want her interrogated.just put her in a barracks.put her in with Hogan.let him put up with her.let me out of here!"
Burkhalter raced out of the office and leapt into his car. He started the car and went tearing out of the camp, leaving his personal guards running after the speeding car.
Emily was brought to barracks 2. The guard left her there. "Welcome to Stalag 13! Meet your new companions!" Hogan said.
Emily looked at the men he was referring to. Inevitably, she spied Newkirk. "NEWKIRK!!!!!!!!!" She screeched. She made a mad dash for the terrified POW and jumped into his arms. He caught her instinctively; catching her was the easy part, putting her down was tricky.
Newkirk tried to set her down, but she had a grip on him unlike any death grip he had ever felt. He then tried to drop her by taking his hands off her, but she didn't move. He turned his head to try to avoid her kisses. "COLONEL HOGAN! HELP!"
Hogan was puzzled. This was not anything he had expected. Newkirk was crying for his help; actually the Englishman was now asking for help from him, one of the heroes, a prisoner, and he was now asking for a Gestapo guard. He would soon accept help from Hitler himself.
Hogan finally motioned to his team. They all ran over and tried to pry Emily from Newkirk. Eventually, Kinchloe grabbed LeBeau's footlocker and began beating her over the head with it. He only accomplished putting a large dent in the footlocker.
"Hey," cried LeBeau, his eyes wide "You broke my footlocker! Why didn't you use your own footlocker?"
"Sorry, Louie. I didn't think about that."
"You wouldn't." grumbled LeBeau.
Hogan ran over and gave Emily a picture of Newkirk, and she promptly fainted. They were then able to pry her off with a crowbar.
After he was freed, Newkirk made a sprinting world record! He dashed to Hogan's quarters. The heroes could hear the audible sound of the door being locked and barricaded.
Hogan went up to the door and knocked. "Newkirk, it's Colonel Hogan. She is out of it. Would you like to come out?"
Newkirk's muffled voice came back to him. "No, go away. I won't come out until someone shoots that rabid beast."
Hogan sighed in surrender. "Okay, Newkirk. Suit yourself. We'll check on you tomorrow. I'll be sleeping on your bunk. Maybe you can open the door in a few hours, just to get your dinner?"
"I'll think about it." Was all the response Hogan got. This was definitely not an ordinary - or fun - day. Hogan then turned his attention to the unconscious girl.
"Okay, men. Here's what we do. We'll tie her feet to the bunk Carter and I will be sleeping in. Just for precaution, we'll tie her hands behind her back and to our footlocker."
No one took a step forward to tie her up. Hogan winced and did it himself.
Newkirk opened the door to the rest of the barracks. LeBeau nodded to the sleeping fan girl, who was tied to the bunk and Carter's footlocker. Carter was taking a nap on his bunk. Newkirk saw a large plate full of LeBeau's delicious cooking. He decided to risk a quick trip out to get food.
As Newkirk quietly closed the door and moved toward the food, Emily sat bolt upright. "NEWKIRK!!!!" She screamed, foaming at the mouth. Newkirk leapt forward, grabbed the food, and dashed back to the room, running over LeBeau on his way. Emily flew off her cot and raced toward the door.
"HELP!" Screamed Carter, as his bunk was towed across the room at 100 miles per hour. He made crash landing on the floor and was immediately run over by his footlocker. Rabid Fan girls have super-strength when they are on the hunt!
Hogan ran to where Carter was lying on the floor. "Ooof" Ooofed Carter. Hogan helped him up. He didn't seem to be badly injured. Then Hogan went to check on LeBeau, who had been run over by Newkirk. LeBeau seemed to have gotten a boot in his face, as he could wiggle several teeth. His nose was also broken, and squashed flat. He was very angry. Then Hogan went over to Emily, who was trying to break down the door.
Hogan took her, opened the footlocker, and put her inside of it. Then he locked it. He was severely tempted to put a label on it that said to the Gestapo without love on it and ship her off express to Gestapo Headquarters in Berlin. After all, she had injured two of his men and had another one too terrified to show himself.
Then an idea came to him. Kinch looked at him with curious eyes. "What are you gonna do about her, Colonel? I don't think Newkirk can last much longer in there. I don't think LeBeau's gonna offer him any more meals, after that experience."
Hogan almost danced with excitement. "I know what to do! Where's Carter?"
Carter wobbled up; he was unable to walk in a straight line. "I'm here, Colonel. What do ya want, sir?"
Hogan's face lit up. "Carter, my friend, what's the most powerful explosives you have? Wait. What are the most powerful explosives the world has made so far?"
Kinch rolled his eyes and stepped forward. "Colonel, I don't think that would be very humane. I also don't think that London would appreciate you blowing up Stalag 13." Kinch mentally added 'and us'.
Hogan still looked hopeful. "Well, maybe we could tie her to a rock and throw her off a cliff?"
Kinch firmly shook his head. "No violence, sir. But I think I have a plan. LeBeau is the smallest, we're gonna get him to sneak around to the window in your - sorry, Newkirk's - quarters. He will take Newkirk's hat and coat. We will tell Emily that if she will leave, we will give them to her. We will stuff her in Burkhalter's car next time he comes. Now that that's done, you should go get some rest, Colonel Hogan, sir."
It was a great idea.
LeBeau was dressed entirely in black, except for the large bandage that was holding his nose in shape. He hated to help Newkirk after the trampling he had given him, but it was Kinch's order.
He slipped under the windowsill and tapped it softly. The tap barely made a noise, but Newkirk was so tense that he jumped anyway. He peeked out the window and relaxed when he saw it was only LeBeau. "Hey, Louis. What is it?" He suddenly noticed the large bandage on his friend's nose. "What happened to your nose, mate? Did you get into a fight?"
LeBeau was shocked - not to mention angry - that Newkirk didn't know what happened. "Don't you remember, mon ami?" He said in a kind voice. Then his voice got considerably less kind. "I was attacked by a filthy Englishman, who happens to be a Boche in disguise."
Newkirk was shocked. "You mean Colonel Crittendon is here? When did that old nuisance arrive?"
LeBeau raised his fist to Newkirk's nose. "Are all the British this stupid? You, mon ami, were the one who broke my nose. Now, do you want to spend the rest of your life in there? Kinch has come up with a plan to get that girl out of here."
"Colonel Hogan didn't come up with one?"
"No," LeBeau looked around for listeners and spies. "He suggested some very violent ways of killing her, then went to bed. He was talking to himself all night. I think mon Colonel has finally snapped."
"It was bound to happen. Now, how do we get rid of the girl?"
"Well, we will bribe Emily with your coat and hat. I've seen her looking at them many times. Then we will give them to her, put her in Burkhalter's car, and we'll never hear from her again. Hopefully we'll never hear from Burkhalter again, either."
Newkirk protested to giving up his clothes. "But the only reason she was staring at my coat and hat was because I was in them! I like these! I don't want to give them to her!" "Stop being a baby. Would you rather keep the hat, AND the girl?"
Newkirk threw the coat at him and slammed the hat over LeBeau's eyes.
The next morning there came a knock on the barracks door. Kinch opened it, looking purely terrified at who it might be.
A girl came bursting into the room. "Hello, is this Stalag 13?" She glanced around the room. " LIKE, IT'S CARTER! SNUGGLE-UMS!"
Carter dashed to Hogan's quarters, screaming.
"AAAHHHH!!!!!" Yelled LeBeau, as he was, once again, trampled flat first by Carter, then by the new girl in hot pursuit.
"Hey Lisa, nice of you to join me!" Called Emily from her place in the footlocker.
"THIS IS LIKE, SO, LIKE, TOTALLY AWESOME! LIKE, CARTER'S HERE! OR, LIKE, CARTER WAS, LIKE, HERE! I, LIKE, TOTALLY WONDER, LIKE, WHERE IS HE? HE, LIKE, TOTALLY, LIKE, DISAPPEARED!" Commented Lisa.
Hogan got up from the bunk, where he'd been staring at the ceiling for the past night, and walked over to where the two girls were chatting. He opened the footlocker and removed Emily and the coat and hat she was clinging to.
"WOW, DID YOU, LIKE, SLEEP, LIKE, IN THERE? YOUR HAIR IS, LIKE, SO, LIKE, FRIZZY! YOU, LIKE, SO NEED, LIKE, YOUR HAIR, LIKE, WASHED!" Lisa pointed out.
Hogan tucked Emily under one arm and Lisa under the other. He strode outside and dumped them in Burkhalter's car. Then he walked off, whistling.
Meanwhile, in Burkhalter's moving car, the girls were starting trouble. "WOW, LIKE, WOULD YOU, LIKE, BELIEVE THIS! I, LIKE, TOTALLY HAVE MY CD PLAYER, LIKE WITH ME!"
"Oooh! Let's play this CD!"
*BLAM!!!!!* The car blew up from intensity of the sound waves from the "music". General Burkhalter found himself facedown in another mud puddle, with a dazed guard sitting on him.
Emily and Lisa found themselves back in their rooms, staring at the pictures on Newkirk and Carter. And in Emily's case, cuddling her new coat and hat.
The boys at Stalag 13 recovered nicely, although it is said that Newkirk didn't go out with girls named Emily anymore, and that Carter stayed well away from girls called Lisa. As for Colonel Robert E. Hogan, his crazy schemes got even crazier; naturally, no one was able to tell the difference.
The End
A/N: I like reviews as much as the next author, but please keep in mind "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"! I feel really ashamed of myself, putting my story up here with all these masterpieces!