Title: The Tale of Little Red Riding Hood (Revised)
Author: Odon
Rated: PG-13. Contains violence, sexual references, and people being eaten! (as Garak would say, "And they tell this to children?")
Summary: Can sweet, innocent Ruby Hood escape the canine clutches of the lascivious Lupo?
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THE TALE OF LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD (REVISED)
One fine day little Ruby Hood was riding through the State National Park on her bicycle to her grandmother's house. As she pushed down on the pedals and cursed the greenie bureaucrat who'd decreed that petrol-engine mopeds and Walkmans weren't allowed in National Parks she heard a long, low wolf whistle. Leaning up against his Harley Davidson and scratching his hairy chest was Lupo, the notorious wild man himself.
Ruby pulled back the hood of her red anorak, letting her auburn locks tumble about her shoulders. The hirsute predator stared lasciviously at the short cutie, a leer twisting his lupine features.
"On your bike Lupo," said Ruby, unimpressed. Something about the man's big teeth, big eyes and all that hair just put her off. "I'm not interested."
"We'll see about that!" said the amorous wolfman, flashing his canines at her. "You can't outrun me on that bicycle! I'm going to eat you whether you like it or not!"
"Well, come and get it then," said Ruby huskily, unzipping her anorak to reveal her skimpy halter top and bare midriff.
Lupo swaggered up to her, unbuttoning his fur coat. "I'm going to rip off your clothes with my teeth and devour you, Ruby," he said, dark eyes burning with hunger. "I'm going to scratch and claw and lick and bite and___"
Ruby zapped him in the cooties with her taser stungun.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!" howled Lupo, rolling into a ball and licking his painful genitals. By the time he'd recovered, the little redhead had ridden off into the sunset as fast as she could pedal.
"I'll show her!" fumed the big bad wolf. He leaped on his Harley and tore off cross-country to grandmother's house. Sticking a sawn-off double-barrelled shotgun (known in Sicily as a lupara, or 'wolf gun') in his belt, he stormed up to the door and hammered on it like the rude sod he was.
"You've got a guest, grandma!" said Lupo, huffing and puffing from his exertions till the door blew down like a house of straw. "You'd better not give me any trouble or I'll do to your house what I did to those three little pigs in Darwin. CYCLONE TRACY!"
"Yob tvoyu mat!" roared Ruby's grandma, a tough old biddy who'd fought as a partisan on the Russian front during World War Two. "Get out you fascist dog!"
Lupo reached into his pants, pulled out his formidable weapon, and shot his load in her face.
"Hey, when did we go to Technicolor™?" he cried, as the walls turned red.
At this stage Lupo would normally have given up and called it a day, but he'd recently seen a movie called Pulp Fiction in which Harvey Keitel (playing a character called 'The Wolf') had cleaned up a blood soaked car interior in two shakes of a canine's tail. Inspired by his hero, Lupo had hidden all signs of his presence and was trying on Grandma's clothes as part of his long-standing fetish for women's clothing by the time Ruby Hood rode up to the door.
"What's cooking Grandma?" asked Ruby, pointing to the boiling stew pot in which the remains of the real grandma were simmering (Lupo had gotten the recipe from someone he'd done time with; a guy called Hannibal Lector).
"Oh, just a little something my dear," whined the wolf. He began to salivate as Ruby slipped off her anorak to reveal her slim, taut body, covered in sweat from the hard pedalling. "Did you have any problems on the way here?"
"Well, I ran into that creep Lupo, but I just zapped him with my taser."
"Well I never! In my day young girls didn't go round 'zapping' people!"
Ruby frowned. "Didn't you tell me that in your day you went around torturing German prisoners of war, and shooting collaborators in the back of the neck?"
"Well, er . . . I was a bit over enthusiastic in those days, being a Party member and all. Just give me that horrible taser and I'll put it in a safe place."
"My, what big hands you have, grandma!" said Ruby as she handed her the taser.
"All the better to paw you with, my dear," said the wolf, pawing Ruby's behind with his hairy paw.
Ruby began to wonder at the hungry way in which Grandma was staring at her. Had Grandma begun questioning her sexuality? "My, what big eyes you have, grandma!"
"Well it comes from looking at that computer you gave me. Those internet chat rooms can become rather addictive you know! Still, all the better to see you with, my dear." He began to pant as he thought of the numerous ways in which he would ravish Ruby.
"My, what a big tongue you have, grandma!" said Ruby, gaping at his panting tongue.
"ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH MY DEAR!" roared Lupo, throwing himself lustfully upon her.
Just then the door opened.
"What's going on here?" shouted a handsome member of the National Parks and Wildlife Service, who'd come round to advise Grandma on bushfire hazards (and to check out the good-looking granddaughter he'd heard so much about).
"Help! Help!" cried Little Red Struggling Hood as she attempted to knee Lupo in the balls.
"Take a hike you glorified tree-hugger!" shouted Lupo, trying to pull out his sawn-off shotgun while at the same time wrestling with Ruby. "This is none of your___" Lupo's big eyes widened as he saw what the park ranger was holding in his hands.
"AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
The next day the newspapers read . . .
HERO FOILS ATTACK ON YOUNG WOMAN!
A member of the National Parks and Wildlife Service yesterday foiled an attack on eighteen year-old Ruby Hood by the infamous Lupo, now sought on charges of murder and culinary assault.
The park ranger drove off the self-proclaimed 'Wolf Man' with his chain saw.
Police are looking for a sawn-off man with a shotgun.
THE END.