CHAPTER FIVE: All hail the Lord of the Cheese!

Why do none of my chapter titles make sense? O_o I'm a very disturbing person....

Anyway, have you ever heard of Ansem and Sephiroth getting drunk and doing striptease? You have now! XD!

*glomps Rufus Shinra* MINE!!

Also, I've noticed I was going a bit too easy on Cloud, hence the intro to the fifth chapter. I have to be meaner... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Anyway, here are the people who were invited to Leon and Yuffie's reception party. It's a small list:

All the Princesses of Heart. Only three of them get lines, though

Donald and Goofy

Hercules

Aerith, Sephiroth and Cloud

Beast

Riku and Sora

Ansem

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. It's all Square, or someone else.

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Many of the world's greatest events happened at reception parties. Like Reno and Tifa's party: Cloud had a fit and destroyed half the restaurant... with Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden discussing plans in a reserved spot in the corner.

He received the Medal of Honor, and the Nobel Prize for World Peace for that.

And at Aerith and Sephiroth's party: Cloud had another fit and started a huge food fight. Not only did he have to pay $30,000 in damages, but he also got in the Guinness Book of Records for world's most violent food fight.

He killed an innocent bystander with a watermelon. That innocent bystander happened to be Britney Spears.

At Rude and Elena's wedding, Cloud threw yet another fit, for both Aerith and Tifa refused to sit with him. Cloud had gone insane and destroyed the closest building.

That building was AOL HQ.

Perhaps, it is better to say that the world's greatest events happened at reception parties Cloud went to.

That said, we all better duck for cover.

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"I can't find Kairi anywhere..." Riku muttered, coming back to the punch bowl where Sora was filling himself a cup of punch.

"Oh. I wish I could help you." Sora sighed, handing Riku the cup of punch. He looked down on his leg, which had a very cold metal ring around it. It whirred and beeped and also had an timer counting down to the days Sora could finally take it off.

Riku flinched. After refusing to go to the Easter Dance with her, Kairi got revenge and attached a bomb that would explode should Sora come within 50 feet to her. This made apologizing very hard for poor Sora.

"Oh well..." Riku shrugged and took a swig of his drink. Immediately, he spat it out and started choking and hacking.

"GACK! This tasted like someone pissed in it!!!"

~~~~~~

Cloud zipped up his fly, feeling oddly satisfied. It was now time for Phase Two of the plan. This required a certain forgotten princess and 50 gallons of gasoline. What's is Cloud's evil plan this time?

"Mwahahahahahahahaha! Soon, I will bring...destruc..destruc-teey... um, um..." Cloud struggled with his limited vocabulary.

"Destruc... DESTRUC-TEE-ON...ISH... AAAAAAAHHH! WHY AM I SO STUPID???" Cloud cried in utter anguish, cursing the grinning author, and wondering why she hated him so.

Alice stared at him with a raised eyebrow. It was safe to say that she was the brains of the operation.

"Alice! Cloud! Dur, hello!"

Goofy happily walked over to Alice and Cloud, who was bawling for the second time .

"Durrr... Cloud, don'tcha think that Alice is a little young-ish for you?" Goofy scratched his head.

"Ew, I'm not dating her, you stupid dog! We're going to blow up this place, and me and Alice will save everyone except Sephiroth, then we'll both be heroes, and Aerith will like me again!" Cloud explained, in as much detail as he could, about his plans.

Alice was "burning inside with violent anger", as the song puts it, at Cloud's insolence. His stupidity could be compared with Sora's! She quickly grabbed Maleficent's staff (a little souvenir she found on the ground of the Church Chapel) and held it up.

"DARK METEOR!" She cried, and laughed with glee as the rocks crashed down on Goofy, leaving nothing but a blood smeared mark on the floor.

Since this was Goofy, and since Ansem and Sephiroth were doing striptease in the corner under the influence of alcohol, no one noticed. Don't drink beer, kids, or you may end up doing THAT.

"Aw, Alice, why did you kill Goofy? He was the only one that didn't use confusing big words..." Cloud muttered. He was rewarded with a smack on the head.

"You fool! You almost gave away our plan! If it weren't for Ansem and Seph's drunken antics... what? Striptease! I'M THERE!"

And with that, Alice grabbed Cloud's spike and dragged him to the corner.

Before she got there, Belle walked in and blocked her path.

"Whoa, Alice, for the sake of the rating and for your mental health, I have to stop you, dear." Belle informed her gently. "Besides, you're kinda late. Aerith knocked both of them unconscious."

"DAMN YOU, BI-" Alice stopped when she saw the Beast walking over to Belle. Smiling weakly, she did a curtsy and excused herself as quickly as possible.

Beast and Belle stood there for a few moments, watching Aerith apologize to Yuffie and Leon (who were also drunk) and then watching her cast Ultima on Ansem and Sephiroth, much to everyone's amusement.

"So, Belle, wanna have sex?"

"No, Beast, unlike you, I have morals."

"Damn!"

~~~~~

"Cloud, this plan is NOT working!" Alice snapped, glaring at the ex-SOLDIER, who was wondering why Vincent Valentine just called him and demanded his clothes back.

"Yes it is! We just have to blow up the building! Here, I'll do it!" Cloud muttered, grabbing the match and striking it against the box.

"No! Not now! We have to set it off when Aerith and the others are in a position where they will not be killed by the-"

BOOM!

~~~~~

Somewhere on the other side of Destiny Islands, Lance Bass was running about, trying to hide from the enraged FFVII Sephy fangirls trying to kill him.

"THERE HE IS!" The Leader of the Fangirls yelled, twirling around her plastic Masamune sword. The other fangirls yelled and started to advance on the terrified singer.

"C'mon, I didn't do that bad of a job at Sephiroth's voice... he himself said I did OK! HELP!!! HELP!! WHERE ARE THOSE STUPID N*SYNC FANGIRLS WHEN YOU NEED THEM???"

"THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU NOW!" The leader, Pine, cackled. "You have dishonored our Sephy, now you must pay!" She raised her plastic Masamune, ready to deliver the finishing blow...

...until the Masamune, the real thing, flew down from the heavens and sliced Pine in half. The other fangirl's mouths dropped open in terror as the Masamune struck the ground before Lance, still shining immaculately.

"The Masamune has chosen him! He is the real Sephiroth!" One of them exclaimed. Ashamed by their earlier actions of trying to kill Lance, they bowed to the frightened and disturbed singer.

"Ummm... OK... yeah, I forgive you... Ummm..." Lance stuttered. He walked over and grabbed the giant sword, dislodging it from the ground with much difficulty. He decided that he better give it back to the real Sephiroth...

Little did he know, he owed his life to the insanely stupid Cloud Strife.

~~~~~~

Back at the reception place....

There was utter chaos. Cloud and Alice were thrown safely away by the blast, but the northern section caved in, trapping Aerith, Riku and Donald.

"MOMMY! I'M SCARED!" Riku cried, wrapping his arms around his mother and crying. Aerith did her best to calm him down, while Donald started screaming obscenities in his odd Duck Language.

Sephiroth and Hercules were trying to life the wreckage, but the fire surrounding it was too great.

"DAMMIT, WE NEED A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" Ansem yelled, frantically waving his arms around. Yuffie shook her head sadly.

"Yeah, there's one... IN THE FREAKING NORTH SECTION!" She screeched, pointing to the rubble that trapped the three unfortunate people (and animal).

"I only know Fire Magic... uh, Sora! Can you extinguish the fire with Blizzaga?" Leon quickly asked.

Sora shook his head.

"I need a weapon... uh, anything will do, y'know, like a wooden sword..." He explained. Leon smacked his face. They were doomed.

"GAAAAAH! AERITH!!" Cloud yelled, bursting through the flame. "SORA! TAKE THIS!" Cloud grabbed his beloved Ultima Weapon and threw it over to Sora.

Sora caught his old Keyblade with much glee and quickly pointed it to the fire.

"DEEP FREEZE!" He yelled. The great burst of ice came forth and encased itself over the fire, where it melted and then extinguished the fire. Sephiroth, Cloud and Hercules used their strength to remove the rocks, and soon, there was a path open.

"Riku, come first!" Sephiroth instructed. Aerith handed him Riku and Sephiroth hoisted Riku out of the rubble. Hercules snatched Donald, and Cloud got Aerith out safely. All three men looked at each other proudly and nodded.

Then Cloud remembered why he was here in the first place.

"YAY! ME AND ALICE'S PLAN WORKED AND I SAVED AERITH!" He cheered.

"PLAN??" Donald shrieked, grabbing his Save the Queen and hitting Cloud upside the head with it. "YOU PLANNED THIS?? WE ALMOST GOT KILLED, YOU MORON!!!"

"Alice...?" Jasmine called, scowling at the soot-covered princess who awkwardly stepped out from her hiding place. "Did you plan this?"

"YES! YES, I DID! AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TRAPPED IN WITH AERITH, BUT THAT FREAK-" Alice pointed to Cloud with an 'inappropriate finger' "RUINED IT!"

Aerith glared at Cloud, who was still holding her.

"Why, Cloud? Why, every wedding you go to, you ruin? WHY??"

She got to her feet and slapped him with great force, sending him reeling over and onto a pile of rocks.

"Dammit, Cloud, this is why I chose Sephy over you! Not only are we voiced by popular singers, but Sephiroth doesn't hold childish grudges! Can you just accept the fact that we are MARRIED??"

Cloud glanced to his former love, then to the silver haired demon who took her away. Then he stared at the Riku, their child... yes, the child, the THING that bonded them... Cloud smirked evilly and got to his feet, dusting his cape off.

"Oh, so that's how it is?? I save you, and THIS is how you repay me?? You go off with THAT THING?? FINE!! I SEE HOW THIS IS! AERITH, MARK MY WORDS, I WILL GET MY REVENGE! AND THAT BASTARD CHILD OF YOURS WILL BE THE ONE TO SUFFER! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

During Cloud's ranting, he sucked in some soot and started coughing violently, but still, he tried to continue.

"I *cough* WILL H-HAVE A PLAN *cough cough* SO EEEVII*cough*IILLL, THAT IT WILL*cough* BE REAL EVIL! MWAHAHAH*cough*HAHAHAHAHA*cough cough*"

And with that, Cloud ran away, crying. Alice got up and stuck her tongue out, then followed him.

"Oh, Leon! This was the best party ever!" Yuffie squealed. Leon just looked at his wife with a look of confuzzlement.

"Oh... He better not hurt Riku! That's just going TOO FAR!" Aerith grumbled, casting her emerald eyes to the ground, thinking of ways to kill Cloud. A pair of arms wrapped around her and hugged her tightly.

"Don't worry, I won't let them."

"Thanks, Se-"

"ANSEM! STOP HUGGING MY WIFE!"

"Hey, calm down, bro, I was just trying to cheer her up..." Ansem replied, releasing her and letting his overprotective brother hug his wife.

"WAIT!" Riku cried. "ANSEM'S MY UNCLE??"

"Well, duh, Riku!" Sora retorted. "Even I see the resemblance.

Ansem just grinned. Yes, Riku had a crazy family after all...

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MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WILL NEVER BE NICE TO CLOUD! NEEEEVVVAAAARRRR!!

Anyway, I noticed that Ansem and Seph probably could be related, so I made them brothers. Hey, anything can happen. For all we know, Cloud is Sora's father.

Of course, I'm not that cruel, am I? Right, Rufus?

Rufus: Oh no, chaining me up in the basement and making me watch Pokemon with you isn't cruel at all...

YUP! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Oh, do you actually read these silly author notes? Well, I defend Lance Bass, but I'm not an N*Sync fan. I despise their music, but Lance did a very good job at Sephy's voice, so I defend him from rabid fangirls/boys. I just hope he stays FAAAAR away from Mandy Moore...