Rejuvenation

Chapter 2 - Forgive & Forget

"So, what do you think you'd do, in the same situation? If this brother type guy was in love with you? And you weren't totally sure of your feelings, but you were pretty sure you didn't feel the same way. Like… It's too incesty and you still have baggage from another relationship. But you don't want to hurt this guy, because you do love him dearly and he's been so good to you and given you presents and stuff. So what do you think?"

"If I help you, is there any way that you won't stake me?" the vampire in Buffy's chokehold asked.

"Oh, no. Probably not."

"Ok then. I say, get piss assed drunk, sleep with the guy, then let me go," he said, elbowing her in the stomach.

She let out a small "oof" noise as she doubled over in pain. Then she watched the vampire run away. "Thanks," She called out, half-heartedly. "Hmm. Doesn't really seem like bad advice."

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It was very dark outside and the lights at the Magic Box were off by the time Buffy got there. "Wakey wakey." She said, continuously punching a doorbell.

She waited a few moments before Giles came to the door in a blue terrycloth robe, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Buffy, is there a problem? What are you doing here at this hour?"

"Got anymore liquor?"

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"Remind me again why Xander installed a doorbell that rings in my bedroom?" Giles asked sleepily, pouring Buffy a drink.

"So that you can always be woken up in the middle of the night to have drinks with me." Buffy said taking a shot and making a distinctive, "bleck" sound. "Yeah. I know it's only been a week, but how's this place working out for you? Aside from the late night inconveniences?" Buffy asked motioning to the surrounding basement room.

There was a small bed and nightstand in one corner and a radio in another. Giles sat in a chair that belonged to his messy desk and Buffy sat on the only other piece of furniture in the room, a shabby loveseat. The room was smaller than her old dorm room, but it had an attached kitchen, of which the contents seemed to be three cabinets, two drawers, a mini fridge, a hotplate, a sink and a table big enough for one. "Living the high life, eh?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, it's perfectly acceptable. I didn't want anymore than this. It will do just fine."

"For you to live in? In Sunnydale? Forever?"

"Yes, Buffy, I'm staying in Sunnydale."

"Good," Buffy said, and then remained quiet for a moment. Then she perked up again. "Yeah, and added bonus, now vampires can't get into the shop, because you live here now." Buffy said in a chirpy voice.

"Yes. Quite right. Though, Anya didn't think of that before she agreed to the idea of my living here. Now I believe she's annoyed that she's lost their business. I think she's on the verge of putting up a sign that says, 'Enter all ye who will spend money here,' or something of the kind. Perhaps the vampires will leave money by the bed before they kill me in my sleep."

"You could open up some kind of drive-thru service like at the bank. They put their money in the tube, we shove their purchase out a slot. It would be great for business. A shop that actively services vampires. We'd get all the vampires' business, then I could go follow them and stake them while their hands are full of purchases. Good idea, huh? And you guys didn't think I had the business sense," she smirked before taking another drink.

"Yes, Buffy, you're quite the saleswoman. But may I ask again, not that I don't enjoy your company immensely, but what are you doing here?"

"Oh yeah. I'm not normally here at 1AM, am I?" Buffy said, stretching out on the seat. "Well. It's just that… Giles. Please tell me you've been leaving little presents for me and Dawn on my doorstep for the last two weeks. Please…"

"Buffy I'm sorry, but I've only been in Sunnydale this one week. I don't know what you're talking about. What's happened?"

Buffy let out a high pitched moan and took another drink. "I think Xander's in love with me."

"Oh dear. That's… odd. Are you sure?"

"No… But Dawn and I have been getting these presents… Handmade wooden stuff.. Chests, stakes, boxes… And I've been getting jewelry and… Xander acts like he doesn't want to be with Anya anymore and Dawn says Xander's always had this thing for me…"

She spit everything out so quickly that Giles had to struggle to understand it all. "Buffy, calm down. I think you're overreacting-"

"No I'm not! I can't take it. Enough with these guys who I can't or won't or don't love. Everyone just gets hurt. We all become these mushy puddles on the floor and then everyone leaves and I'm an even mushier bitch puddle because I drove them away and Xander can't go away… And what about Anya?" another drink.

"Buffy. Calm down. You're becoming incoherent. Be reasonable. You don't even know for sure. Perhaps you should speak with Xander about this first before you get so worked up that you can't think straight." Then, on second thought, "Well, maybe you're already past that… Before you can't walk straight." He concluded.

Buffy let out a small laugh. "Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not that big of a deal. So what's up with you?"

Giles simply smiled.

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"Yes, Willow's doing quite well. I'm proud of her. I think the meditations are helping to ease her grief and guilt." Giles beamed.

"I'm glad she's dealing so well, but I'm surprised. I feel like I should hate her, but I can't. And you. You guys seem so close now. You two really got with the bondage… of the uncle type variety. The uncle variety, right?

"Um, yes. Quite," he said, wiping his glasses before placing them back on his nose. "Willow did some things that most would think of as unforgivable, to myself included."

"Yeah. She tried tortured you then slurped the magic out of you like a cold Dr. Pepper."

"Yes. Uh, right. But, it seems the best thing to do is forgive her. Then I can move on with her and help her make herself into a better person again." He cleared his throat and continued. "I understand what she was going through. The grief, of losing someone you love is so over powering. It makes one do unbelievable things. And when you add on the fact that Willow had so many powers and abilities that she'd been suppressing for Tara, it's only natural that they'd come out in such force with such rawness-"

"Yeah. But she killed Warren. She did something really, super bad and we're just forgiving it?" Buffy interrupted. Something about what Giles was saying bothered her. A lot.

"Buffy? Are you all right? Are you suddenly second-guessing your feelings for Willow? I thought we discussed that I wouldn't bring her home unless you were sure that you felt ok about her…"

"No. I'm not second-guessing… I'm just thinking, about Warren. And the badness."

"Yes. From what I've heard, he'd become quite a threat. He murdered. His trio utilized magic and demons. He was as large a threat as any other demon, only more so because you didn't have the jurisdiction to destroy him. If it hadn't been for Willow, you'd be dead and there's no telling what havoc Warren would have caused."

"That's like saying, 'Hey, let's kill an innocent woman because her unborn son may grow up to be a murderer.' I meant I was thinking of Willow killing Warren. That badness. Lots of badness therein lies."

"Buffy, are you arguing with me for the sake of arguing? I would think, that from what you've seen as the slayer, you should know better than anyone that things are not just black and white. There are shades of gray, and there is red. Willow acted on the red. She killed someone who was morally ambiguous for the person she loved, just as I have, or would have and just as you almost did, once long ago."

He stopped to take a much-needed breath and continued. "Yes. Willow killed a person. I have no idea whether God will forgive her, but I know I do, because I must. Because I love her. Because she needs it to believe that she can be a good person again. And because forgiving her keeps me from going absolutely insane with thoughts of what she's done to me and those I hold dear. I have no other explanations. This is one thing I cannot rationalize. I don't know why or how people forgive certain things, I just know that I do."

He paused to huff another breath, then started again in a much softer tone. "Obviously you have qualms about Willow's place in our lives, which is understandable, but I really wish you would have voiced your concerns to me before I brought her home. The last thing Willow needs is someone pretending to be her friend. She's very intuitive. She still holds traces of the magic she took from me. She can sense pain and emotions in people. And if you're only giving her fake comfort, she'll know it, and the results could be devastating. So I believe, that along with your planned conversation with Xander, you must also think long and hard about your feelings and discuss them with Willow. Either that, or you should just leave her alone until you can get over it." Another pause. "And now I think I've talked far too long and I need another drink. Give that to me," He said, reaching for the bottle in Buffy's hands, which she was using to pour herself a drink with.

"No, Giles. You're right. I love her. I've forgiven her. I'm just having a hard time with it. Like… Am I a bad person for excusing her actions?"

"You're not excusing the actions. You're forgiving the person. It takes a strong person to forgive, Buffy, not a bad one."

"Yeah. I don't like this conversation. It's making me think things I don't want to think. Bad stuff… Must stop…"

"Buffy?"

"Nothing. Never mind. I think I agree with you. Just, all this uncharted, moral territory is making my head do the spins."

"No, that may be the alcohol, Buffy." He laughed at his own joke and continued. "All right. How about we discuss something else? Something light… and comical."

"Like?"

"Xander being in love with you, perhaps?"

To that, he got a couch cushion thrown at his head.

"Please Giles…"

"Oh Buffy. What's so terrible about the idea?"

"Other than… He's like my brother… He recently left a woman at the altar, who, strangely enough, had become my friend… And if that so-called ex-girlfriend was pissed enough, I'm sure she could find someone to wish my head would be turned into an olive… And I guess he's cute but I don't really get those types of fuzzy feelings for him… And it seems that eventually any guy I truly allow myself to care about leaves… And… Well…"

"Yes?"

"It's just that…" She let out, sounding self conscience, "Also… Spike's not exactly a distant memory yet."

"No? Well then here. Hopefully another drink can fix that," Giles said, pouring her another shot.

"Ha ha." Buffy said, unenthusiastically. "No. The thing is, I don't exactly want him to become a faint memory."

"Buffy…"

"No, Giles. I know. Spike's the type of guy no girl should ever get involved with. But I did get involved with him. And the thing is, that it wasn't always bad. Sometimes he made me feel really good. And sometimes, when things were bad, it wasn't his fault that they were bad. It was mine."

"Well that very well may be, Buffy, but what he tried to do to you, that last night. That was his fault."

"Well maybe… But I don't know. We always seemed to operate on mixed signals and violence-"

"No, Buffy. In no way were you responsible for what happened. In no way were you deserving of it."

"I know, Giles. I know. But that stuff you said, about losing a loved one then doing something rash in a moment of blind passion, with all the abilities suppressed and all that. He just snapped, a lot like Willow did. And I'm able to forgive Willow so…"

"Buffy. Don't even think about it. It's not the same, and it's not an issue anymore. Spike is gone, Buffy."

"Yeah, I know… I just feel hypocritical."

"Buffy. Don't. It wasn't the same-"

"No. It wasn't. He didn't try to kill me." Then she gave a bitter laugh. "He's killed less people in the last three years than Willow has in the last five months. He just got carried away. So how is my forgiving Willow different from-"

"Shhh, Buffy," Giles soothed, reaching out to stroke her hair. He could tell she was getting upset again. "Buffy. Don't think about it. Don't dwell in the past. Not over this. No good will come of it."

"Yeah. You're right. I think the alcohol is just making me do the wacky."

"Yes dear," Giles smiled knowingly. "I think a good night's rest would do you good. Though, it's already 4AM.

"4AM?! I left Dawn all night. I should call…"

"Buffy, Dawn is much stronger and knowledgeable than most girls your age. And what? They let twelve-year olds baby-sit these days. I'm sure she's fine."

"Yeah. I guess you're right… But it's so late… and I'm so tipsy…"

"Well, you're welcome to spend the night here with me." Then Giles became disgusted when he saw Buffy's aghast look. "Oh don't be daft! I meant you could sleep here."

"Well I don't know. Little brother wants to jump my bones. Why not Daddy too?" Buffy teased.

"Oh Buffy! That's quite disgusting. Please do go away now. I'll drive you home."

"No. You've been drinking. I can walk. I have some things I need to do, anyway."

"Things you need to do? But Buffy, it's four in the morning."

"Yeah, but you know what they say. The early bird catches the neato stuff, or whatever."

"Well alright, but do be careful. You're not at your best right now."

"No, really, Giles, I'm fine." Buffy said, suddenly straightening up, and seeming more "with it." She got up and moved to the stairs. "I'm good to go. Thanks for the talk…" She said, taking the first step up.

"Oh! Buffy. Could you do me a favor?"

She turned to look at him. "Yup. Sure thing. What is it?"

"Well, Dawn and I didn't have much of a chance to practice with the crossbow. I was wondering if you could take her one to practice with. She could shoot pigeons or something of the kind."

Buffy sighed. "You're all work and no play. You have to let some people have some good kid fun. You're not young forever. Though, you probably know that better than anyone." Buffy said, smirking at Giles.

"Oh get out of here. Go on. Do your young people things and your 'neato stuff.'" He said in mock aggravation. Then he softened. "But you will bring a crossbow to Dawn?"

"Sure. Why not? Hopefully I'm not so drunk that I'll shoot myself in the foot with it." She said, turning to him and grinning. "Bye Giles. I'll see you later. Hugs and kisses and all that," She finished as she walked up the steps.

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Buffy stood outside the apartment door and knocked. She waited a few moments before she heard a scrambling Xander's muffled on the other side.

"Just a minute! I wasn't expecting you so early. Hold on. I'm here."

Buffy waited expectantly outside before the door opened slightly to reveal Xander fumbling with his bathrobe tie. Then, in a voice so soft and adoring, it made Buffy shiver, he said, "Hi-," before looking up to meet her eyes. Then, surprised at Buffy's presence, "Buffy!"

"Uh, hey Xander," Buffy said, looking around nervously. She didn't seem to register his shock. "I'm sorry to come by so early, but I needed to talk to you."

"Uh, yeah, sure. Just… Do you mind if I get dressed while we talk?"

"What? Dressed? In there? With you? And the nakedness…"

"Well, I was more thinking I'd get dressed in the bedroom, and you'd stay in the living room, but be my guest if you'd rather…"

"Oh, no, the living room is just fine," Buffy said, opening the door all the way and stepping into Xander's apartment.

"So…" Xander said, walking across the living room to his bedroom. "What's up?"

"Well," she started, talking through the crack of Xander's bedroom door, "I'll make this as quick as possible." She took a deep breath and continued, "Ok. Xander, you know I love you, right?"

"Sure Buff. I love you too," he called from the bedroom.

"Yeah… I know you do… and that's the thing. With that stuff you said last night, about not wanting to get back together with Anya… and with the presents… the chests… which are very nice, by the way… It's just that, I figured it out. I know you're my secret admirer person, and I know you still have feelings for me and I'm flattered but-"

"What?!" Xander said in shock. He immediately came to the door only half dressed, clutching onto his shirt for dear life, with a look of sheer confusion on his face. "Buffy, I'm not in love with-" then he looked over Buffy's shoulder… "Anya!" Buffy immediately whipped her head around to see what had Xander in such panic.

"Well obviously you're not! Is this why you called me here at five in the morning? So I could witness your showing your sexy chest hair and confessing your love to your precious Buffy? Because that would be just about the cruelest thing you've ever done to me. And I'm saying this to the man that left me at the altar!" Anya screamed.

"No, Anya it's not what it looks like," Xander said, walking towards Anya.

"Put your shirt on!"

"Anya, you've got things wrong," he said momentarily muffled as he pulled the shirt over his head.

"I don't care what this is Xander. Just answer me this. Last night, did you or did you not say that you didn't want to get back together with me?"

"I didn't say it like that-"

"Enough!" she said, putting up a hand to silence Xander. Then her anger subsided and she just looked sad. "With everything that happened, I thought that maybe you'd grown up. I thought we could have a second chance and maybe get our fairy tale ending… or as fairy tale-ish as the Hellmouth would allow. But I was wrong. See you around, Xander."

Anya disappeared, and Xander fell to the floor, head in hands.

Buffy had watched the whole exchange silently, and suddenly felt very sick. "Xander…"

"God Buffy! Why…"

"Xander, I didn't know… I thought you were my… you know… Weren't you?"

"Weren't I what?" he said, looking up at her.

"Weren't you leaving me presents at my door? You know… the secret admirer bit?"

"Um, well let me think. Well, how about… NO."

"Xander, I'm sorry. I didn't know Anya was going to be here. Why was she here?"

"I don't know… I wanted to tie up some loose ends… I wanted to forgive her for sleeping with Spike… I wanted to beg her to forgive me for leaving her and for being an asshole… I wanted to propose again…"

"At 5 in the morning?!"

"Well, when I realized I wanted it, I also realized I wanted it as soon as possible… I thought we could get married tonight."

"But what about that stuff you said? It hurting too much to love her?"

"Well, it hurt more to not be with her… This time without her has been the most painful and empty time of my life. Maybe it won't work… Maybe it will be painful, but I have to try. I can't turn my back on love just because it might not be perfect. Not this time."

"Xander… I'm so sorry… I'll talk to her…"

"No, Buffy, don't worry about it," he said half-heartedly. "Chances are it probably wouldn't have ended much better than it did. She had no reason to forgive me."

"No, Xander. She said it. She said she thought you'd grown up, and obviously you have. She wants the same things. I'll talk to her. I'll get in contact with her, even if I have to find some guy, fall in love and get scorned to do it."

"Thanks Buff. I'd do the same for you."

"Yeah, I know you would." She smiled, and helped him off the floor. "And now you gotta go to work."

"Yeah. Don't you?'

"Nope. Today's my day off. My LAST day off… Then two straight weeks… Then…"

"Freedom?"

"Yup. From fast food, anyway."

"You know, one would think that after all the times you skipped out for days on end, they would have just fired you."

"Well, I guess they have a hard time finding people willing to work there. It came to the point where I was afraid they wouldn't let me quit."

"But they did."

"Yup. Lucky me." Buffy chirped, and they walked out he door.

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When they got outside, they both looked up. "Wow. It's raining. That's never a good sign." Buffy said.

"Yeah… rain… let me drive you home."

"No. I've already made you almost-probably-late. I can walk."

"No, Buffy, I can't leave you in the rain."

"Yes, Xander. I've caused you enough problems today as it is."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he said, not thinking.

"Uh, yeah, so you go," she said, sounding somewhat hurt.

"Ok, Buffy. I'll talk to you tonight," he said, getting into his new '96 Ford pickup truck. Then he drove off.

"Oh, this is just great," Buffy groaned, walking in the general direction of her house. "I haven't slept, I have a hangover. I just ruined my best friend's life… and now I'm walking home in the rain. How much worse can it get…" Then something caught her attention. "And why do I always do that 'speaking too soon' thing."

Hovering over the nearby cemetery was something that could only be described as a black glow.

"It's too bloody early for this," she said without thinking. Then she laughed.

But the laugh didn't last long. As she started walking through the graveyard, she was hit with a wave of nausea. She doubled over in pain and dropped the crossbow she'd managed to hold onto all night. Then, she unceremoniously vomited by a headstone shaped kind of like a lawn gnome.

Buffy sank to her knees and grimaced. "Yep. Great time for a hangover." But then she was hit with another wave of pain that knocked her on her back.

"Oh, it's a lot worse than a hangover, Child," said an out-worldly voice inside Buffy's head, which sounded more like three voices talking at once. "You get to experience all the pain you've caused, for yourself."

She trembled, and shut her eyes.

When she opened her eyes again, Xander and Anya stood before her, hands clasped. They just stared at her coldly. She stood and walked towards them, but their stare only became more hateful. She stepped back, but fell.

She was drowning. The water was black. The sky was black. There was no light anywhere, and she was sinking. She closed her eyes for a moment, and it somehow got darker. But when she opened them again, Willow was there, beside the water. "Willow!" Buffy called, but Willow didn't even look her way. She just cried. "Willow…" Buffy whispered, as she sank under the water.

Then someone grabbed her hands and pulled her forcefully out of the water, tossing her against a wall. She slid down the wall, onto the hard ground. She glanced quickly around the alley, to see who had saved her. "Spike?" she let out in a whisper. But he didn't reply. He just punched her, hard in the face. She could only look at him sadly as he continued his onslaught. The beating lasted for minutes, but she did nothing but stroke his face once before shutting her eyes. Then she felt his fangs sink into her throat.

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Buffy opened her eyes to find the vampire she'd fought earlier in the night, drinking her blood. "What in the…" She screamed, pushing him off of her as forcefully as she could in her weakened state. Then she jumped up for another fight. "Come on. It's morning. Don't tell me I'm going to have to start patrolling in the morning, too."

"Yeah, well, it's raining. There's no sun… and you pissed me off earlier. I wanted to repay you," the vamp said.

"And after I let you go and everything… Well, looks like I get to finally try out my new stake," she said, pulling out her favorite gift from her secret admirer.

But before she could even raise it, she dropped it, and fell to the ground clutching her leg. She looked up and saw a second vampire holding her discarded crossbow. "Shouldn't just leave these things lying around, hon. They're dangerous," it said.

Buffy winced and pulled the bolt out of her leg. Then, she promptly threw it with all her might at the smirking vampire. He quickly dusted and Buffy tried to stand, but it wasn't any use. The lack of sleep, hangover, drowning, beating, biting and bolting was too much. She turned her head sadly to look at the chump vampire that had beaten her, but she was only met with rain and dust…

And Spike. His hair was wet with rain and he held her stake in his hand. One look at her pained face and he pocketed the stake, bent down, and scooped her up in his arms.

"I knew it was you. Dawn thought it was Xander, so I went along with it… but I knew it was you," was all she said to him before she finally fells asleep in exhaustion.