CHAPTER II: Hexawhat?
"The champion...s...for Hogwarts will be....James Potter, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, and Amos Diggory!"
The room was in chaos. At the Gryffindor table, everyone cheered uproariously and several people fainted as Sirius tore off his leather jacket and jumped up onto the table.
The Slytherins were also caught in loud celebration, although their brand of it was much less wholesome and included more outright violence. Someone threw their full goblet at Snape to congratulate him, and he smiled in a thoroughly untrustworthy and evil manner through the rivulets of pumpkin juice running down his face, bruise spreading on his cheekbone.
The Hufflepuffs, shocked that anyone from their house had turned out to be good for anything, applauded Amos Diggory in a shocked, polite way, but fell out of their chairs because staying balanced and clapping all at once was too much for their limited powers of coordination.
The Ravenclaws all left abruptly in bad tempers for the library, muttering among themselves about why they were the only house who hadn't got a Champion. And Gryffindor even had two. "Didn't I tell you all I dreamed this?" asked Sybill Trelawney of some of her unlucky housemates, managing to sound both annoyingly misty and snarky at the same time.
"Actually, Sybill, you told us you dreamt that polka-dotted goats were going to devour your marmalade at breakfast," said Alex Davies.
"But don't you see, that was a metaphor...the polka-dotted goats of biased oppression were stealing from Ravenclaw the marmalade of Championhood!"
"One more word and I'll hex you so you can't walk for a month!" Sibyll was suddenly quiet, except for the jingling of her bracelets.
The delegations from the other two schools were shouting obscenities in their own languages.
Sirius was now signing autographs across various girls' chests, and Remus was the only one who noticed James's look of shock. "Remus," he said, eyes full of desperation. "You have to believe me...I didn't put my name in that kettle!"
Remus was very confused. "Of course I believe you, James." James was just about to start on a speech listing the merits of loyalty and true friendship, but Remus kept speaking. "After all, no one actually put their name in, the kettle just picked people by itself. Very odd. I wonder how it works. And why it would give Hogwarts four Champions. That doesn't seem fair..." He trailed off, pulling a book called Magical Drinkmaking Vessels and Their Use and Reliability As Impartial Judges in Large Dangerous Tournaments from his canvas whaling coat.
James shrugged and joined Sirius on top of the table, and laughed as the girls who hadn't fainted suggestively caressed the furry tail that was safety pinned to the back of his pants. Lily glared at them. James jumped off the table and made out with her.
Dumbledore sent up a huge spray of coloured fireworks from his wand for attention. "All the Champions should now report to the room to the left of the teacher's table," he said, and James and Sirius eagerly hurried to the front of the room, waving at their many admirers. Snape swooped through the door in an evil manner, still being pelted with flatware from the Slytherin table. Amos Diggory was the last one through the door, as he tripped and fell no less than three times on his way.
The door to the room slammed shut, and soon the muffled angry yelling of the heads of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang could barely be heard over the chatter in the hall.
"Why have we got four Champions?" the hapless, bunny-suited Peter Pettigrew asked Remus. He had to repeat himself a few times, as Remus was very engaged in his book.
"Do you really want me to explain it, Peter?"
"Well, yeah. I guess," Peter said, stuffing his face with orange-frosted donuts and spilling them all over his costume, to demonstrate his gluttony and clumsiness.
"Well, no one can ever decide between James and Sirius because they're equally glamourous...and they're kind of dramatic foils sometimes, too...you know, Sirius is always out to play really grandiose pranks, but James is the grounding influence who helps him be more realistic? And Snape, well, he's just in there for the element of evil, so if anything bad happens, we can blame him. Also, it gives James and Sirius someone to trounce thoroughly and gloat about it. I think Diggory's just the expendable character...he'll probably get killed of by Voldemort in some kind of climactic last scene. Do you get it now? Peter?" Peter's attention had been on the ghost-and-bat shaped cookies for some time now. Remus sighed. "Peter?"
"What?" asked Peter with his mouth full, spraying crumbs all over the table.
"Nothing," Remus said, and after a few disgusted moments of watching Peter eat, mused out loud. "If there are six Champions, shouldn't we be calling it the Hexawizard Tournament?"
"They're going to hex each other?" Peter actually put down his cookie, rigid with fear for his idols James and Sirius. "No, "hex" is a prefix for "six"...like "hexagon," see? Six sides." Remus drew a six sided figure on a spare piece of parchment.
"Oh, don't confuse me with all that Arithmancy stuff!"
"Peter, that's not Arithmancy...it's just geometry...you know, shapes?"
"Remus, girls will never like you if you're all...smart..."
"I don't like girls, I like Sirius."
"Well then, we'd better come up with some kind of convoluted plan to get you two together."
"No, that would mean having two plotlines."
"What's the first one again?"
"This whole triwizard thing."
"Oh. Right. Well I'm sure you two will be together in the next scene with no explanation."
"I hope so. Are you even in the next scene?"
"I don't think so, apparently I'm supposed to go off and join the Death Eaters."
"Oh. Well I hope the tattoo thing doesn't hurt too much, then."
"Yeah, me too. I've never liked needles."
"I expect it'll be a magical tattoo, Peter. You know, with a wand."
"Really? Well I guess that's a bit better. You don't suppose they'd let me have a heart with "Mum" instead of that ugly skull, do you?"
"You could always ask. This could be one of those stories where Voldemort likes bunny slippers."
"Yeah, maybe I will. Thanks Remus...I'd better go now, because I'm the unpopular Marauder and everyone likes to forget to write me in for long periods of time." With this, he grabbed a few hanfuls of food for the road, and hopped ridiculously out the door. Remus puzzled for a moment over why the Death Eaters would want someone like Peter, and got back to his book.
Author's Note: Stay tuned for the next chapter, a pointless Gryffindor Common Room scene! As before, suggestions are appreciated.