Chapter III: Pointless Common Room Scene
After dinner (you can figure out for yourself whether this is "after the Halloween feast," or "after dinner a couple days from now," or even "after dinner six years ago," because if there were going to be a flashback scene, there would be no introduction to it), the Gryffindors went back to their common room, which now had a bigscreen TV and DVD player. (Not only did this technology not exist, but it wouldn't work at Howarts anyway--honestly, haven't you ever read Hogwarts, A History?) Some of the Gryffindors were huddled around it watching the latest episode of "Survivor," and making bets about who was next to be voted off.
James and Lily were off in a corner, doing homework together and occasionally nuzzling noses.
Sirius was playing with a yo-yo, and Arthur Weasley was excitedly taking notes on how it worked and what Muggles did with it while everyone else in the common room wondered how a plastic disk on a string could be so sexy.
Peter and his clumsy friends Martin Creevey and Frank Longbottom were making badges supporting the Gryffindor champions. They'd made twenty or so that said "I LOVE SERIOUS" when somebody finally pointed out they'd spelled it wrong.
"Remus, I have to tell you something," said Sirius, who had somehow acquired four more yo-yos and was making all of them "walk the dog" simultaneously. "Ever since that time we sat together on the Hogwarts Express when we were eleven, I've loved you..."
"Well, that's very sweet, Sirius, but I didn't sit with you on the Hogwarts Express our first year, remember? I sat by myself, and you and James were too busy playing Exploding Snap to say anything to me. We met later, at the Sorting Feast..."
Sirius wasn't listening. "...So I guess what I'm trying to say is...will you go to the Yule Ball with me? And, you know, snog me on occasion for the time being, the Yule Ball's still a while away."
"I'd love to, Sirius, but wouldn't it cause something of a stir?"
"Why?"
"Well, mainly because we're both boys?"
"Nah, here in the wizarding world gay relationships are openly accepted!"
"Since when?"
"Errr..." A blank look crossed Sirius's face. He quickly changed the subject. "But if you were a Slytherin, now that would be a problem! Stupid greasy git Snape! Let's think of new ways to torment him!"
James's "Snape Tormenting Radar" kicked in, and he jumped up mid-nuzzle. "Torment Snape, you say? Well of course I'm in! Let's....DYE HIS HAIR PINK!"
"That would make forty-one."
"What, Moony?"
"That would be the forty-first time you've dyed his hair pink. Since the beginning of the term. If you give me a moment, I can go fetch the numbers of times you've dyed his hair pink in previous terms, and give you a kind of grand total."
"Well how about PURPLE then??"
"Yeah, Sirius, great idea! Purple! He'll look bloody ridiculous!" James crowed.
"Wonder if we should get Lucius, too...always takes longer for the spell to wear off on him since his hair's so light."
"But that makes it even funnier!"
"Yeah!"
James and Sirius collapsed into laughter, not noticing Remus's expression of scorn and confusion.
Suddenly, a girl with rhinestone-covered glasses and a large, acid-green quill walked over and blinked fetchingly at James and Sirius, who promptly stopped laughing. "Hello, I'm Rita Skeeter, and I'd like to interview you two for the Hogwarts Gazette."
Remus somehow managed even more scorn and confusion. "Since when do we have a school newspaper?"
"Since now!" said the girl rather briskly, shoving Remus out of his armchair so she could sit down. "How do you boys feel about being Triwizard Champions?"
"Great!" said Sirius.
"Probably sort of endearingly unsure of myself," said James. Rita Skeeter jotted this down.
"Are you worried about the tasks ahead?"
"Not at all!" Sirius said, dazzling Rita with his smile. Rita's eyes glazed and she started ignoring James altogether.
"What are your hopes for the future?"
"I want to be an Auror...either that or a Hell's Angel."
"What would you say was your biggest fear?"
"Azkaban! Why, I don't know what I'd ever do if I was sent there!"
Remus winced at the obvious foreshadowing, decided it was time for serious action (no pun intended), and pulled out a pamphlet entitled Common Sense: A 12-Step Plan to Fighting the Insidious Powers of Plot Incongruities and began to read.
After a few more inane questions ("What's your favourite colour?" "Boxers or briefs?" "What do you like a girl to do in bed?"), Rita left, and a spontaneous look of worry crossed James's face.
"What's wrong, Prongs?" asked Sirius.
"Well, I'm just worried about the first task...I mean, what if it's something hard and I can't do it and Lily doesn't like me anymore and then we can't get married with you as our best man and have a son and get killed?"
"Aw, James, don't worry. I'll let you in on a little secret...the first task is...Karaoke!"
"What?"
"A Muggle singing thing. You've got to pick a song and perform it."
"But I've got an awful voice!"
"No you haven't, James...you need more self-confidence!"
"Oh, okay," James said, absently shining his Head Boy badge.
"Don't you want to know how I found out about the task?"
"Sure, I guess."
"Well, last night I was going to meet that Hufflepuff girl underneath the stands at the Quidditch pitch, when suddenly, I saw Hagrid carrying something in a huge box, so I decided to follow him and see what he was doing! I had your invisibility cloak, of course, so no one would see me."
"But I was using the invisibility cloak last night to shag Lily in the Astronomy Tower! How could you have had it at the same time?"
"Shut up, Prongs. Er, I must have been out later at night than you." James's mouth opened as if to object again, and Sirius glared pointedly. "Anyway, I followed Hagrid to his cabin, where Dumbledore met him, and they started talking about how the task was Karaoke, and they hoped the Karaoke machine (that was what was in the box) would work correctly. Oh, the task is tomorrow night, by the way."
"Tomorrow night?!" James said anxiously. "How can I pick a song that fast? Oh, this is horrible, I'm going to cuddle with Lily now and ask her advice since she's the Head Girl." He walked away looking pouty.
Sirius took his yo-yos out of his pocket and caressed them seductively while looking a Remus, who moved to sit next to him. "Sirius, this is ridiculous!" he said as quietly as possible. "Karaoke? Not only do half the students here not know what that is, this is supposed to be a tournament to test magical ability, not how well you can sing! And how could you and James have both had the invisibility cloak at the same time? And how are you doing that with those yo-yos?" Sirius was making the five yo-yos "walk the dog" in a heart shaped formation. "There are too many things not making sense here, I think it's time we---mmpph!" Sirius pulled him into a kiss.
When they broke apart, two girls they'd never seen before were standing over them. The girls had eyes that could only be described by referring to precious stones, and perfect manes of shiny hair. They had somehow managed to acquire Hogwarts Robes that were also strapless minidresses. Sirius leered. They were wearing nametags, both of which had the name "Mary Sue" crossed out and replaced with "Aurora" and "Rayvenne," respectively. They also had "I LOVE SIRIOUS" badges. (Martin Creevey was a really awful speller. They'd have to do a third batch.)
"As cute as this Remus/Sirius stuff is," began Aurora, who was blond with eyes like sapphires.
"...you," Rayvenne (black hair and eyes like cubic zirconias) said, pointing at Remus, "are asking too many questions." She took Remus's arm and hauled him off the floor. Aurora took his other arm.
"Oh look, uh, the moon is full!" she said. "You should get to the Shrieking Shack. Right Now!"
"The moon was just full last week! This is impossible," spluttered Remus. But they already had him halfway to the door.
"And there'll be a full moon for the REST OF THE STORY if you don't behave yourself!" hissed Aurora.
"Don't come back until you're ready to be in love with Sirius and be quietly angsty about your werewolfness!" said Rayvenne, with a glare to rival Snape's.
They shoved Remus out the door, having already convinced the Fat Lady to change the password so he couldn't get back in.
Author's Note: Next chapter, The Karaoke Contest--er--First Task!! Any suggestions for a fairly well known pop song for Krum to sing would be appreciated (I've got ideas for the rest of the Champions).