Thanks to UnrepentantReader, jaffacake, theexquisitecorpse, michelle, lady lousia, and sCHEm for the reviews, and Black Ice---good idea, with the Snape love triangle. Watch for it in upcoming chapters. :)
Chapter IV: Hogwarts Karaoke, I Swear It's Funny!
The first task was to take place after dinner the next night. The Champions drew straws (they were magical straws, ok?) to see who'd have to go on first, and Snape lost, probably because he's evil. He climbed up to the stage, dressed in his usual billowing black robes, and glared at the audience. His hair was still streaked with purple, as his Slytherin status rendered him too stupid to figure out simple counter-curses. Unfortunately for the three present Marauders, however, a few girls (mostly Slytherins, which meant they were also stupid anyway) thought this made him look sexy and rock star-like. As he grabbed the magical microphone for the karaoke machine, it let out a deafening whine of feedback. The assembled students laughed, and he glared even more fiercely, incinerating a few people who were sitting in the front.
"Now, now Severus...no burning people up on school grounds," Dumbledore scolded gently, waving his wand and restoring the terrified students from piles of ash. He offered them some red licorice whips in consolation, and nodded at Ludo Bagman, who had taken some time off from the Wasps (he was still wearing his bright yellow Quidditch robes) to act as an announcer at the tournament, because trying to get his "father" into this story would be too much trouble.
"And now, our first contestant...Champion...Severus Snape, who will be performing "I Feel So" by Boxcar Racer," boomed Bagman. There was a confused murmur. No one had ever heard of this band, since it didn't exist yet. The song began, and Snape sang in a ridiculous nasal voice. The few Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs who weren't hostile to him because of his general greasiness mused about how his dark, silky voice was really being wasted if he insisted on singing through his nose like that.
When Snape got up to the line "I wish I was you, not I," Sirius snorted, tossing his silky and totally non-greasy hair.
"Of course you wish you were me! Everyone does." Peter nodded fervently. Snape fixed his Death Glare on Sirius. His hair began to smoke. He yelped in panic, but luckily James had a glass of water, which he dumped over Sirius's head. This presented a new dilemma, and Sirius ran out of the room, panicky about whether he'd be able to fix his coif before it was time for his song.
"I feel so maaaaad, I feel so angryyyyy..." Snape whined. He'd barely missed a beat while glaring at Sirius, which everyone had to admit was impressive. As he finished up his song, the Slytherins bombarded him with evil-sounding cheers and pointy objects. Amid the rain of scissors, opened safety pins, and the occasional errant throwing dagger, Narcissa [insert generic unmarried name here---probably something like "Smith," right?] had thrown her Slytherin green 36DD bra at Severus, who caught it looking bored and dropped it to the floor as he was pulled into a perfectly scandalous embrace and french kiss by Lucius Malfoy. Everyone found this disgusting, but only because they two boys involved were Slytherins. James was distracted by the spectacle and glared jealously, although he wasn't quite sure why yet. Maybe this was that whole "foreshadowing" thing again? He shrugged to no one and wondered what colour his eyes should be.
The judges all gave Snape low marks, probably because he's evil. He was too busy snogging Lucius to fix his incendiary glare on them.
"Er, right," Ludo Bagman said, looking puzzled. "Next up will be Mr. Vladimir Krum, singing "Wherever You Will Go" by the Calling. The mumur of confusion ripped through the crowd again. Why couldn't someone sing some ABBA, for God's sake?
Krum stepped up to the stage (what do you mean, the Great Hall didn't have a stage in it in the books??) looking rather nervous. He sang in his ridiculous accent, which of course made the song sound like "Verever You Vill Go." Everyone laughed, and the judges (except for Karkaroff) gave him marks almost as low as Snape's.
Next up was Fleur...er, Marie Delacour, who sang "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears. The males in the audience no longer cared that this was not disco music. Some of them even had seizures, and Filch demanded a bonus from Dumbledore for mopping up the drool that was all over the floor afterwards. The male judges had passed out, rendering them unable to give her any marks at all, but Madame Maxime gave her a ten.
Then it was Amos Diggory's turn, and even though James had warned him about the Karaoke task ahead of time because it was the Decent Thing To Do, he still managed to forget half of the words to "Row Row Row Your Boat." This earned him (yes, you guessed it) low marks, but the Hufflepuffs applauded frantically anyway, for as long as they could without falling out of their chairs again (which wasn't very long.)
Remus had been watching all this through the window, as Aurora and Rayvenne had banished him from the castle altogether after they found him asleep in the library that morning, head resting on the open book War of the Worlds: What to Do if Your Wizarding School is Inundated with Physically Idealized Muggle Author Girls. He'd been wanting to smash his head into the solid stone wall for some time now, but the book's first tip had been "Self injury, while tempting, will not help the situation." Remus had to agree that this seemed like sound advice.
Sirius, his hair dried and more stunning than ever, had climbed onto the stage in his usual Really Tight Leather Pants, and a fishnet t-shirt. Girls fainted. Boys tried in vain to act like they weren't attracted to him. "I'd like to dedicate this next song, "Hungry Like the Wolf," to my boyfriend, Remus Lupin, who can't be here tonight. You know, because of the full moon?" He gestured toward the window.
Remus ducked his head down, afraid for a moment that Sirius had seen him, however, when he looked up at the window itself, he noticed a large cardboard circle that had been painted to look like the moon was attached to the window with Spellotape. The urge to bang his head repeatedly on the wall got stronger. Maybe if everyone else at Hogwarts had gone as stupid as Sirius, they wouldn't take the very nice hints he'd just given that Remus was a werewolf. The opening chords of the song played, and Remus watched Sirius gyrate his hips and toss his hair around for a few moments before deciding he should probably get farther away from the castle in case someone did take the hints and came looking for him with big silver knives.
Walking away from the window, he ran into Hagrid, whose accent and simple vocabulary had totally disappeared since the last time they'd spoken, probably because it takes too much effort to write. "Hello Remus, beautiful full-moon night, isn't it?"
"Sure," Remus said, knowing it would do no good to argue. Another moon simulation (a beach ball spray painted grey) had been hung from a tree by Hagrid's hut. These girls did their work thoroughly.
"I know it must be hard for you, being a werewolf. Some people are terribly prejudiced. Not me, though. I've always loved interesting creatures. Fancy a dog biscuit?" He reached into one of his coat's many pockets.
"No, that's alright. I'm not hungry. But thanks," Remus said hastily.
"Has James done his singing yet?"
"No, Sirius is on now, James is next."
"Oh, well I'd better go show my rather obvious favouritism for him then. G'night."
"Good night." Hagrid ambled toward the castle, where he was met with the scene of Sirius surrounded by crowds of admirers, Peter tallying up all the bras and flowers that had been thrown at him during his performance. James was currently crooning "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias in an adorably unsure, but very sexy and tight-pants adorned way. He had, of course, dedicated the song to Lily.
When all the marks were added up, James was in first place because he was the most wholesome, but Sirius was only a point behind him. Snape, recovering from the blowjob Lucius had given him underneath the table, noticed that he was in last place and promptly reduced the Triwizard Judges to carbon. He was given a detention polishing the spigots in the Prefect's Bathroom, which greatly annoyed all the couples who had been planning to do illicit sexual things there that night.
Remus sighed, decided it would have been a good idea to have actually stayed away from the window, and trudged off towards the Shrieking Shack to get some sleep.