Chapter V: Shrieking Shack Rendezvous
Remus woke up with a start to find Sirius lying next to him on the torn up bed, shirtless but with his leather pants still on. There were candles all over the room, which was a really a potential fire hazard. Sirius was holding a rose and a bottle of champagne. "Remus, my love...here we are, in the romantic, secluded Shrieking Shack...I know you're nervous about your first time, but don't worry, I'll---"
"Sirius, how long have you been here?"
"Long enough to light these romantic candles and admire how vulnerable and beautiful you are while you're asleep?"
"Er, thanks." Come to think of it, Sirius really did look nice with his shirt off. The Author had remembered to give him the requisite flawless, suntanned skin and nicely toned muscles. Well, a little meaningless sex shouldn't create any more plot incongruities...since he already thinks he's madly in love with me in the first place... Remus thought. Anyway, that War of the Worlds book said that sometimes people could be shocked out of their stupor, so maybe this would even help things a bit. Sex was shocking, right? It was worth a try, right? Right.
He reached up and pulled Sirius into a kiss, not noticing the unopened bottle of champagne knocking over some candles and staring a small fire. They rolled over on the bed, and Remus shoved a copy of "Haunted" Doesn't Have to Mean "Tasteless": The Martha Stewart Living Guide to Sprucing Up Your Decrepit Magical Shack off the bed, it was poking him in the back. Whatever Sirius was doing to his neck was very nice, but he couldn't get rid of this strange hunch he had that something was wrong. What was that smell? It was hard to tell through Sirius's clouds of cologne, but it was almost like someone was having a barbeque...
Suddenly, a tall, dark figure came swooping into the room. A very familiar, dark, evil, voice said "Extinguishus Fireus!"
"Snape! You greasy git! Get out of my secret, touching tryst scene!" roared Sirius.
Remus had only just noticed the friendly crackling blaze on the floor of the shack because Snape's wand was putting it out with a jet of water. The fire made sense. You know, candles, blankets on the wooden floor...but that spell he'd used...
"Extinguishus Fireus??? What the hell kind of spell is that?" Remus spluttered.
"One written by someone too lazy to use an English-to-Latin dictionary," replied Snape smugly, tucking his wand back into the waistband of his silk boxers, which said "Slytherin is Sexy" on them in flashing silver letters. Why were his robes open over his boxers, anyway? Suddenly, James stumbled into the room naked, hands and feet manacled together. He jumped up and down making strange, muffled noises until Snape took the ball gag out of his mouth.
"Severus, how could you leave me like that? You weren't done beating me and making me call you 'master,'" James said, cheeks promptly flushing bright pink.
Remus was shocked to find that the only question that came into his mind was How could James call Snape 'master' if he can't talk? Once this was over, he would check into Saint Mungo's. He thought he must be succumbing to the plot incongruities. The thought of James and Snape engaged in some kind of kinky BSDM scene barely even faze him.
"Did I tell you to speak, slave?" Snape intoned threateningly.
"Never mind that now, Sevvikins. The mood's all ruined now, anyway. What with them here and all." James made a valiant effort to gesture to Remus and Sirius with his chained hands.
"Ah. Yes. There is the matter of these two, isn't there? What I want to know is what my other slave is doing in the company of this...creature." Snape glared at Sirius, who whimpered. "Well? Are you going to answer me?"
Sirius swallowed hard. "Come on Sev, I was just trying to devirginize Remus in a sweet, concerned, yet playful and somewhat kinky way...you know how it is..."
"You will be punished for this, you know."
Sirius perked up like a puppy at the rattling sound of food in its dish. "You promise?"
"Oh yes," said Snape, still looking very evil.
James suddenly remembered he should look hurt. "But Sevvie, what we have is like true love but with whips and chains! How can you be playing our special game with Sirius as well?"
"Because I'm evil, James. You know, the whole "future Deatheater" kind of package...casual sex with a taste for other people's pain, ritual sacrifice, baking cranberry-apple muffins. Bad, demonic, black-hearted. Catching on?"
James had already turned to Sirius, realizing that Snape's almost-reasonable answer was unsatisfactory. (But those muffins did sound good...) "Sirius, I thought you hated Severus! Surely that couldn't be just a predictable, thinly-veiled expression of your embarrassing passion for him?"
"Well, Jamie, you know what they say...thin line between love and hate, and all that..."
"Dammit, Sirius, that was my excuse for shagging Snape!"
"...and I wanted to give him some hair tips! Regular washing with an mint balm shampoo should really..."
"Well, I suppose I could say I felt bad since no one else likes him...but how will I ever tell Lily? She'll never forgive me and then we can't get married with you as our best man and have a son and get killed!"
"No, it's okay James," said a fifth voice. Remus was barely surprised to see Lily at the door in a vinyl nurse's outfit. "I've been fucking Sev, too."
James's eyes lit up. "Really, Lily? I mean, you're really okay with this?"
"As long as I get to whip you a few times, too..." James nodded eagerly at this.
"Well, Nurse Lily, I think it's time to see to our patients, don't you?" Snape asked, shrugging his robe off his shoulders and grabbing a whip from thin air by murmuring Summonus Whipus.
"Certainly, Master," Lily said, narrowing her eyes seductively and pulling a small cat'o'ninetails from her garter belt. "I know how much you like this one, Sirius..."
"Sirius? You? Lily?"
"Yes, James. Hope you don't mind."
James looked confused for a moment, then shrugged. "No, I guess I don't, really. Can I have my gag back, Sevvie? I know how you hate it when I scream."
Remus decided that as useful as watching this orgy might end up being in his study of the plot incongruity issue...he really should get going. That 12" dildo that Lily had acquired (probably by summonous dildous) was scaring him a bit.
No one even noticed him sneaking out the door. Outside, he met Peter, and asked frantically, "You haven't been shagging Snape, Lily, James, or Sirius, have you??"
Peter looked vaguely confused. "No...people don't like to give me sex scenes because I'm pudgy. But I do like this Hufflepuff girl, Maddie Abbott...she's all pudgy and clumsy, too, so I thought we might go to the Thanksgiving Day Ball/Feast/Orgy together, and if she's drunk enough..."
"Right, Peter. What's that you're holding?"
Peter shoved a large manilla folder, which Remus noticed was labelled "Lord Voldemort's Evil Plans", behind his back. "Oh, uh...nothing, Remus! I'm off to do something suspicious now!"
Remus sighed. He was fairly sure that Peter being a Deatheater couldn't lead to anything too terrible immediately, as he'd probably lose his Evil Plans folder within the next five minutes.
The only person he could think of who would help him was Dumbledore. Maybe he could sneak back into the castle to find him...