Chapter VI: Communication Breakdown
Remus decided that the phrase "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" made a lot of sense. Taking a lucky guess and inventing the spell "Disguisio" (and begging Miranda Goshawk to forgive him) he managed to make himself look like Peter and get into the castle. His Peter disguise meant that he was effectively not bothered, because no one payed attention to Peter, as he was not conventionally attractive, and turned out to be a traitor anyway. He made his way through the castle halls, even getting into character and tripping on some rugs and his own robes.
He found his way up to Dumbledore's office, returned his appearance to normal, and knocked on the door. There was no answer, so he decided to try another made up incantation. "Er...Divulgus passwordus?" No mysterious echoing voiceover replied. Remus decided that it was probably good that the spell hadn't worked...it probably meant that there was at least some kind of common sense boundary still in place somewhere. He tried various candy names to no avail. He tried titles of books in the library. The names of all four houses and then the Hogwarts founders' full names. All the dinners he could think of. Random words. Bands. He resorted to pounding on the door again, which did no good.
He kicked the door and muttered, "Oh, fuck me up the ass!" in annoyance.
The door swung open.
He blinked in confusion, but walked into the office anyway. Blissfully, everything looked as it usually did. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk wearing a large pair of headphones and playing air guitar, which for him, was probably less strange than usual. He noticed Remus and took off the headphones. "Ah, Led Zeppelin. One of the greater pleasures of the Muggle world, don't you think? Would you like a peppermint?" Remus took one, as he hadn't eaten for awhile. "Now, what seems to be the trouble, Remus?" Dumbledore asked.
Remus took a deep breath. "Well, Headmaster, I don't know if you've noticed, but things seem to be very odd around here lately..." He spat out the whole story (omitting the blatantly sexual parts), concluding with "...and so I came to see you because I thought maybe this might be some kind of bizarre curse that Voldemort put on the castle so that everyone would be too stupid to do anything about it if he were planning some kind of huge attack!" He finished, breathless, and looked up at Dumbledore, who smiled at him indulgently.
"Well, Remus, that was a very interesting story. You might want to think about being a writer someday, with that kind of creative talent!"
"But, Headmaster--"
"I think that maybe all the stress you're under with your lycanthropy is having a harmful effect on you. Do you need to see Madame Pomfrey?"
Remus wanted to burst into tears. If Dumbledore couldn't see that anything was wrong, they were surely all doomed. "No, it's alright," he said, petrified of what kinds of things might go amiss in the infirmary at a time like this.
"Well, if you're sure...you'd better go up to your room and rest, though. I'll call for someone to bring you up there. Why don't you just wait outside the door? And here, take a copy of my book, it's a bestseller." He handed Remus a paperback entitled Go Ask Albus: A Guide for Young Wizards.
"Thanks," Remus said, and walked out the door. It closed rather briskly behind him, and he slumped against the wall. He'd have to wait for whoever Dumbledore was sending up...hopefully it wasn't one of those "new girls," they'd probably invent some kind of horrible new hex to inflict him with if they discovered him inside the castle...
His train of thought was broken by the arrival of Professor McGonagall. She glared sharply down at him. "Mr. Lupin, what are you doing up here?"
"I was just talking to the Headmaster, Professor. He's sent for someone to bring me back to Gryffindor Tower."
He resisted the temptation to ask McGonagall if she'd noticed that everyone was completely insane. He'd given up hope of anyone else being unaffected. She seemed to be satisfied with his explanation, and nodded curtly, muttering "fuck me up the ass" at the gargoyle at the door and walking into the room.
"Ah, Minerva. How I love hearing you say the password," came Dumbledore's voice from behind the door. Remus's eyes widened.
"You really do have a sweet spot for dirty talk, don't you Albus?"
"You know it...you dirty slut." The last three words were a suggestive afterthought.
"Oh Albus..."
"Go on, Minnie...change into a cat, would you?"
"Shouldn't we wait until the others get here before we start?"
"Oh, Hagrid and Filius won't mind..."
"If you're sure..."
Remus blanched. Was there nothing sacred? He knew he was supposed to wait for an escort here, but if he heard anymore of this, he'd claw his own eyes out. He jumped to his feet and started down the stairs in a hurry, almost knocking over a girl with hair like fallen autumn leaves turned to silk, and eyes like amber flecked with flakes of gold...wait! Where were those awful descriptions coming from?
He shook his head in an attempt to return to logical thought. The girl looked at him, justifiably confused at his actions. She looked rather like him, actually. Same hair and eye colour, sharper features...dark circles under her eyes..."Hello Remus, love. Are you alright? They sent me up to get you. I know, it's just been the full moon, I feel awful, too...let's go back to the tower, get some rest..."
"Who are you?" Remus asked, wondering why this girl he'd never seen seemed to know so much about him, and be on such friendly terms.
"Silly Remy! Don't play games like that! It's me, your twin sister, Luna! I'm a werewolf, too! I'm going to marry Sirius, after I realize that all his womanizing is because he just needs to be really loved because evidently his family is mainly made up of Death Eaters and abuses him. Then you can marry Sirius's bookish, understanding sister Vega, I mean, that is, after you two have done all kinds of shy, tentative courtship that makes everyone wish you'd just see that you both love each other and saw "awww" a lot, and we can all be one big happy Marauder family, along with James and Lily!"
"I haven't got a sister! Sirius hasn't got a sister! Besides, I'm gay and Sirius is busy begging Snape and Lily to hit him and tell him he's been a bad dog right now, so you might want to rethink your dreams of happily ever after, unless of course you're part of this whole thing too, which is probably extremely likely, since you've just appeared out of nowhere and make just as little sense as everything else, so you might want to put on your French maid costume and get your Leather Featherduster of Kinky Punishment out and hurry down to the shack before everyone's had too many orgasms and fallen asleep! And what the fuck kind of name is Vega?!"
Luna's brown (yes, just plain brown, really) eyes filled with tears. The tears didn't look like diamonds or mercury or make Remus feel sorry. He was just elated that the catharsis of just having a good shout about everything seemed to increase his resistance to the plague of inanity and senselessness that had descended on Hogwarts. He didn't even mind when Luna slapped him across the face and blubbered something about delicate werewolf emotions and that Vega was a better name than Betelgeuse, at least. She ran down the stairs crying, and Remus stood at the top of the stairs, plotting his next move. As long as he yelled at someone once in awhile, he should remain able to discern the difference from sense and non-sense. He still didn't have a place to sleep tonight, though...if he used the Peter disguise, there was always the chance that the real Peter was back at the tower and everyone would descend upon him with heavy, blunt objects screaming about doppelgangers and dark magic. He wasn't willing to try the shack again. But first, perhaps, a visit to the kitchens for some food. The house elves always made no sense, anyway. He started down the stairs.
Author's Note: As always, suggestions for future chapters/parts of future chapters/anything you'd like to see would be wonderful!