Chapter VII: Introducing the Evil Element
Somewhere nonspecific and creepy, the Death Eaters were having their weekly meeting. Crabbe and Goyle had been in charge of refreshments this week, so everyone was grumbling over the water-thin coffee and burnt biscuits while they waited for Voldemort to arrive. Severus Snape was grumbling about being disturbed in the middle of something important, tucking a whip into his sleeve and trying to pull his robe shut around his half-naked frame. Peter Pettigrew was asking everyone if he could share their Evil Plans handouts, as he'd lost his. Everyone tormented him ruthlessly for being forgetful (as well as clumsy and pudgy), but eventually someone agreed to let him read on with them once the meeting started.
Suddenly, strains of ominous music were heard. It was the Dark Lord's entry music!! The assembled Death Eaters tried to look evil and serious and reverent all at once, which resulted in a variety of very odd facial expressions. Lord Voldemort apparated in suddenly, and muttered a few hasty words under his breath to accompany himself with a cloud of very evil-looking smoke. Everyone ooh-ed and ahh-ed appreciatively, and Voldemort smiled, his face snakelike and flattened and bone-pale, even though at this point in the timeline, he should still be a regular (although evil) human in about his mid-50's.
"Well, we have quite a nice turnout this week, don't we?" he asked, smiling happily at the small crowd. Peter nodded fervently, shaking burned biscuit crumbs off his black robes. "Now, has anyone managed to interest any friends in our cause?" There was a general murmur of "no" and "maybe." Voldemort frowned a little. "Well, I'd like a bit more effort in that department, if you don't mind...we need all the help we can get, now that my plans are really beginning to take shape. Many of you might be wondering exactly what my plans are, since up 'til now I've been very secretive. But tonight, I will unveil my true objective!" He looked around, expecting excitement. Someone slurped their coffee.
"Right. Well, if someone would just help me with this easel, I can get started. And then we can have the ritual endangered baby animal sacrifice and gratuitously kinky orgy." At this, faces brightened, and there was a rush of people eager to assemble the easel and help Voldemort find his coloured markers. He flipped to the first page of the giant pad of paper on the easel, and cleared his throat. "My eventual intent...is to open a chain of department stores! We'll call them....VOLDIE-MART!!! He tapped the pad with his wand, and the name appeared in glowing green letters. He tapped again, and the slogan "Department Store of the Dark Side" shimmered below the flashy logo.
There was a startled silence. Who knew they'd been torturing Muggles and committing other various atrocities for a department store? Some hasty, half-hearted applause and murmurs of appreciation circulated among the crowd. After all, if Voldemort didn't think they were excited enough, he might cancel the orgy. The Dark Lord smiled appreciatively and executed a rather pompous half-bow. "Yes, yes, it's genius, I know...my own line of clothing, not to mention the housewares...and the bath towels, nice plush black bath towels! With little skull appliqués and monogramming for a few extra sickles!"
"But my Lord, how will you accomplish such a lofty goal?" asked Nott, easily falling into the role of sycophant. Everyone else scowled. Why hadn't they been the first to ask adoringly about the bath towels?
"Ah, yes, my evil plan unfurls, faithful followers! All the not so terribly nice things we've been doing for the past year or so have been setting me up as a threatening figure, so that when the store opens, everyone will fear my wrath too much to not shop there!" He looked around eagerly for a response. Everyone was nodding. It actually made sense, in a twisted and useless way. "But there is still plenty of work to be done!" He flipped to the next page of the pad and uncapped out the red marker. It squealed horrendously on the paper as he wrote "TO DO LIST" in big capital letters. Everyone winced, but Voldemort continued, unruffled.
"Number one, more evildoing is always needed! The torture and terror committees are expected to continue on with their regular duties. Lucius, I believe your team is supposed to poke kittycats with sticks at the animal shelter on Thursday night?" Lucius Malfoy nodded, noting this in his Day Planner. "LeStrange, your group is assigned to tip over Port-a-Potties at that Muggle carnival on Saturday---oh, and make sure people are in them this time, would you? Really defeats the purpose otherwise." LeStrange nodded sheepishly. "Severus, you're to continue swishing about Hogwarts looking evil. This is especially important as the Triwizard Tournament is on." Snape nodded in an offhand way, he was in the midst of rolling a cigarette.
Voldemort wrote "#1: Keep up Evildoing" on the pad. "Next, I'd like you all to research the prices at existing department stores in your spare time. Just in case we can't use our evil to put them all out of business, we'll need to be able to offer a better bargain than they do." (#2: Research Prices)
"Third, I have to kill James Potter." At this, there was a general ripple of confusion. The older Death Eaters wondered who James Potter was. The younger ones wondered what he had to do with anything.
Peter Pettigrew gave this confusion voice. "Er, Mr. Dark Lord Sir? Why d'you want to kill James? He's not very interesting. If anyone were going to be a threat to your department store, it'd be someone smart from Ravenclaw like Vin Chang. I heard that he was thinking of starting a chain of restaurants, actually, and..."
"I just have to kill him, alright?! The first rule of Project Voldie-Mart is you don't ask questions!" He added "#3: Kill James Potter" to the list.
"And, as a general evil gesture, I will infiltrate the Hogwarts Yule Ball!" More confusion.
"If you don't mind my asking, my Lord, what spark of marvellously evil insight led you to come up with that idea? Please explain to me what dark end it will serve, as I cannot even follow your complex plot!" Voldemort beamed. Everyone glared at Nott again. Trust him to be the one to find a satisfactory way to ask why the fuck are you going to the Yule Ball?
"Well, if you really want to know, it's because we never had a Yule Ball when I was at school...I feel that I really missed out! Dancing, fancy dress robes, fountains of punch, all that! The pretty decorations for Christmas in the great hall, and music, and a special enchanted dinner, and maybe someone will even waltz with me...oh, and I'm sure the Dark Lord appearing at the Yule Ball will...er...terrify everyone! And make them want bath towels?" Voldemort blushed, looking a bit embarrased. The marker squealed again as he wrote "#4: Yule Ball."
"Well. If everyone is clear about the plan for now, the meeting is adjourned. Rosier, you have been keeping the minutes, haven't you?" A nod. "Very well then. I'll see you all next week."