Chapter VIII: It's Easier to Ignore the Paradoxes
As Remus sat on an out of the way staircase with a large roast beef sandwich, he tried not to think about the orgy the house elves had been having when he'd walked into the kitchen...the tangle of limbs and third-person speech was nauseating to imagine, and he was trying to have dinner. He'd made a stop at the library, and was attempting not to drop crumbs on It's Not You, It's Them: What to Do When Nothing Makes Sense but You're Really Sure It's Not Your Fault.
Suddenly, Sirius came tearing up the steps. He stopped, panting, and looked at Remus with wide, haunted eyes. Remus braced to start yelling again, but he didn't want to describe Sirius's eyes as crystalline blue like the oceans crying, or his hair as silky ebony perfection...in fact, his hair was somewhat disordered and stuck to his damp forehead. Sirius was obviously waiting for Remus to ask him what had happened. Remus wasn't sure he really wanted to know, but decided to go ahead anyway.
"What happened, Sirius?"
"Remus, it's awful...you have to believe me, I went into the future!"
"You what?!"
"I went into the future!"
"Oh no! Don't even begin suggesting that the incongruities have extended themselves into the space-time continuum! Are you sure it was the future? Are you sure you didn't...I don't know, wander into a broom closet?"
"No, it was the future! James was dead and I was in prison and Lily was dead and Snape was a teacher and Peter was dead and worst of all, Lucius Malfoy was still rich! I was hoping he'd become a homeless bum and have to beg for knuts on the corner..." Sirius stopped for a moment and looked at Remus, his eyes widening even more and filling with tears. "...I...I don't know how to tell you this, Remus...but in the future you're a...a werewolf!"
"I'm a werewolf right now."
"AHHH! WEREWOLF!!! AHHHH!" Sirius wheeled around, about to run from the room. Remus grabbed him and clapped a hand over his mouth."
"Sirus, shut up! I've been a werewolf since I was a toddler! Thus, I've been a werewolf the entire time you've known me. I'm not going to hurt you, unless you keep screaming. Got it?" Sirius nodded. Remus dropped his hand back to his side.
"B-but Remy, if you've been a werewolf this whole time, why didn't you just tell me?"
"...because you and James figured out I was a werewolf by yourselves?"
Sirius ignored this. "This really puts a lot of strain on our relationship, you know...how can I trust you if you obviously didn't even trust me enough to tell me such a fundamental thing about your life? I still love you, but this will take me a long time to work out. I'm going to go brood in the Forbidden Forest now. Oh yes, and Azkaban. I can brood about that, too." With this, Sirius kissed Remus on the cheek in a soft, sad way, and started down the stairs. Suddenly, he paused, standing up straighter and spinning around. "No, wait! I'm Sirius Black! I'm invincible! I'm attractive! I'm mischievous, but good-hearted! My pants are tight! I have to save the world! I'm going Back To The Future to change things!"
"How did you get into the future in the first place?" Remus asked.
"Why, this magical cufflink, of course!" Sirius said, pointing to a glint of gold on his robe. "My uncle gave it to me. He's the Minister of Magic."
"Your uncle, the Minister of Magic, who you've never spoken about before, gave you an illegal time traveling device?"
"Yeah. For my birthday."
"Right. Just wanted to make sure I'd got it straight."
"Alright, Remus, here I go...don't worry, you won't be a werewolf for long!" With that, Sirius twisted the cufflink and disappeared. Remus fought the urge to hit himself on the head with his book. At least the world was so senseless already that any lingering consequences of Sirius's sojourn could probably be fixed more easily than usual. He sighed and crammed the last bit of his sandwich into his mouth hastily. It was time for another trip to the library. He had new research to do.
Severus Snape was annoyed. He'd been dragged from his sexual conquests in the Shrieking Shack by that stupid Death Eater meeting (and the biscuits had been burnt, too!), and then Voldemort had been so embarrassed by that whole Yule Ball thing that he'd totally forgotten about the animal sacrifice and orgy and sent them all home! And they were supposed to do the tiger cub tonight, too. Snape grumbled, swept down the hall, and incinerated a few first years, which failed to cheer him up.
Suddenly, there was a popping noise, and three people he'd never seen before seemed to fall out of nothing and onto the floor in front of him. He nearly tripped on them. They were dressed in Hogwarts robes and looked to be fourth or fifth years.
"What the hell d'you think you're doing, apparating into the middle of a bloody hallway? You almost tripped me!"
One of them, a girl with brown hair that stood out in a cloud around her face, looked up at him scornfully, sitting up and pulling her robes straight. "Don't you know that you can't apparate or disapparate anywhere on Hogwarts grounds? Honestly!" Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she tugged on the robe of the dark haired boy who was laying next to her. "It's...it's..."
The boy looked up, a look of shock on his face. "P-professor Snape?!"
"My first name's Severus, actually," Snape began, and then he took a good look at the boy. "James? When did you shrink?"
"You think I'm James? James Potter?"
"You're not? You look just like him---"
"No! I'm Har---er...Barry...er...Smith? Right, and I'm...visiting from...Bogmorts, a nearby rival wizarding school! These are my friends...R---Don," he gestured to a shocked-looking redhead next to him, "and Herm...um..."
"My name's Veronica," the girl interjected. The other two looked at her in quite a confused way.
Snape was quite confused himself. "Right. Veronica. Hi. If you're from this other school, then why--"
"Oh, of course you've never heard of Bogmorts, we keep ourselves very secret! Don't want you stealing our magical secrets and all!" The dark-haired boy winked not very slyly at his friends, who nodded eagerly in agreement.
"I was just going to ask why you've got on Hogwarts robes, then?"
"Oh! These...um...it's all part of our disguise! We're cleverly pretending to be from here so we can do some research! You won't tell anyone, will you?"
"Although it goes against my better judgement, no, I won't." The trio breathed a collective sigh of relief. "But only if you shag me," Snape finished, raising his eyebrows at the James-lookalike.
"What?!"
Maybe he had to speak more slowly. "I won't tell anyone you're actually from this Bogmorts place, but only if you," he nodded quite clearly at the boy in question here, "will have sex with me."
The boy's friends looked horrified, whispering all sorts of silly things like no, don't do it! It's Snape! The boy himself, however, seemed to be considering the offer quite seriously. He looked up at Snape and shrugged (he really did remind one of James). "Well, alright. I s'pose it can't hurt...you're rather sexy, when you're younger."
"Younger than what?"
"Oh, nothing!"
Snape decided this odd behaviour could be ignored, since this Barry person had agreed to his terms. "Well, let's get going, shall we? The Astronomy Tower, I think..." he purred, affecting his best sexy voice, and took the boy by the arm, leading him down the hall.
"Gee, do you think after we...you know...I could meet this James person, I mean, since he looks like me and all..."
"Certainly, Barry, that shouldn't be any trouble at all...though he's rather dull."
They turned the corner, leaving the newly-dubbed Don and Veronica standing in the hallway with their mouths agape.
Author's Note: Next chapter, more senseless time travelling fun! Suggestions are lovely, as always.