Goodbye
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
*****
"What?" Buffy slowly got up from her seat on Spike's lap, her mind reeling with confusion. "W-what are you talking about?" She was beginning to sound scared. "* I'm * going." She yelled.
"Buffy . . . " He looked into her eyes, trying to sort out her emotions. He couldn't find one clue as to what she was feeling. "I have to-"
"No," she was shaking her head, not letting herself believe what she was hearing, "you're not leaving me. You're not going." She looked at him, trying to shake the growing fear in her gut.
"Buffy, you can't go." Spike told her.
"What do you mean I can't go. I'm the Slayer."
"And a mother, and a sister, and a friend, and a lover and-"
"And a daughter." Giles chimed in.
"N-no," Buffy put her hand up to Giles, "just . . . don't." She looked back over at Spike, tears beginning to build up in her eyes. She didn't pay any attention to anyone else around her except Spike. "So you're leaving me?" She began backing away from him, staring at him with cold eyes.
"No, pet. I'm not leaving you. Never, remember? I am leaving for a reason, and you know that that reason is not you." Spike tried to convince her.
"Yeah, but your leaving, and I may never see you again." A tear streamed down her cheek as she walked towards Spike. She wanted to be mad at him, but couldn't. She put her hand on his cold cheek. "You're a part of my heart."
"Please don't make this hard . . . " Spike pleaded.
"Oh, so it was easy before? Is that it?"
"God no Buffy! " He yelled slightly. Catching the tone in his voice, he calmed down. "It kills me to do this. You know how much I love you, and I hate myself for leaving like this-"
"So don't leave. Let me go instead." She managed to spit out through tears and gritted teeth.
"I can't do that. You have so many people who love you and need you. It killed them when you died that first time. Dawn had never been more distraught, neither had any of your friends. These people love you so much, Buffy. They would drag themselves out of bed in the morning, just because they bloody well knew that was what you wanted. You wanted them to keep living. I can't take you away from them again, hell no. And I wouldn't be able to bear to lose you again . . . its time for you to live." He tried his best to make her understand how much it was killing him that he had to go, but it would kill him even more if she went.
"And I can't stand to loose another man that I love. Especially now, after it took me so long to realize how much I really do love you. And after I finally do realize it you up and leave, just like that? After everything we've been through, all the sacrifices I've made, you're just going to leave?" Buffy asked, starting to get mad.
"Ah, I see. Our relationship was just a big sacrifice to you now, was it? Another one of life's barriers that you just overcame, and you're all the better for it?" Spike asked, annoyed.
Buffy swallowed hard. "Well, yeah. I've gone against everything that I have ever known to be right. I've abandoned my friends so many times to be with you and I didn't even notice the hell that poor Dawn was going through. And for what . . . so you could just leave?" Buffy looked at Spike and saw that his eyes were pleading for her to stop, but she continued. "No, you know what, it's fine. N-not like we could have a life together anyway, right? " Her voice was beginning to shake, and her hands felt so cold. "Some dead, souless, creature of the night and a Slayer? Nah, I don't know what the hell I was thinking" She lied.
Spike flinched at what she had just said to him. He didn't know whether to be angry or hurt. He was actually a little of both. It was the first time since he had been turned that he truly felt like crying.
"W-what?" He asked, so confused.
Buffy stood there in shocked at what she had just said. Their relationship had been far from a sacrifice, and she knew it. "No, Spike. I-I didn't mean . . . " Buffy tried to fix what she had just done. She knew she had hurt him so badly.
"Fine." He looked at her, trying to keep a stiff upper lip. "I guess I'll be on my way then. But I will be back." He told everyone in the room.
Buffy felt like she couldn't stand up on her own anymore. She leaned against the wall, her face in her hands. "Oh god . . . " She whispered to herself.
Spike turned to leave when he heard Dawn on the stairs. He looked at her, a tear running down his cheek.
"You're leaving?" She asked him, her voice so soft and innocent. He felt the guilt he had been carrying around for a few days grow even heavier. He hadn't even thought about how the Little Bit was going to react. He didn't want to leave her without saying goodbye, but he couldn't manage to muster up any sort of answer. He looked at Dawn then looked back a Buffy who was now sitting on the floor, her knees tightly pressed to her chest. He closed his eyes tightly, forcing a few more tears to fall, then opened the door slowly and left.
*****
Once outside, Spike rested himself up against the door. He could hear a few people moving around inside, but most of all he could hear Buffy. He could hear her sobs and he wanted to turn around and run back inside to comfort her, but he knew it was best to just keep going. He wiped off his cold, salty tears, pressed his hand against the door, and whispered.
"I love you." He then left for his crypt, trying hard not to think about Buffy and the mistake he had made.
He still had a few things left to pack, and he packed them quickly. The longer he stayed there, the harder it would be to leave. He would be gone, though, in a few hours to begin his search for The Clan of Nepsus. He took his bag, which carried only a few items of clothing, and put it next to the door. He made his way slowly back down the stairs. With each step he thought of Buffy, and with each step he became weaker. He found himself just standing at the bottom of the stairs, trying harder than ever not to break down into tears. Here he was a vampire with no soul, feeling awful about leaving a Slayer . . . whom he was in love with. He laughed a bit at the thought, but then his thoughts turned back to Buffy.
He could feel her silky smooth hair on his fingers; he could smell her scent lingering around his crypt where she had spent so much of her time. He could just feel her warm lips on his and her hands in his hair. Before he knew it, he knees had buckled and he fell to the ground. He held his face in his hands and cried. He didn't care about being evil anymore, or his reputation. He very well might have lost the woman that he loved tonight and it hurt him more than words could express. The thought if never being able to be with Buffy again made his undead heart sink. He lay in a ball on the floor, continuing to cry.
*****
Buffy sat wrapped up in a ball, crying her heart out. Willow came up next to her, but she didn't even notice. She looked around, her eyes wide. She began to hyperventilate when she noticed that Spike had actually gone.
"Oh no." She cried even harder. "Oh god, what have I done." She was still looking around rapidly, apparently in a state of shock. Everything had come so fast and she was still trying to sort things out. She looked up to find Willow hugging her. She held Willow's face in her hands and looked into her eyes.
"What . . . what have I done." Willow just looked back at her with sympathetic eyes.
"Buffy . . . "
"What have I done!?" She yelled through her sobs. Dawn rushed down by her side to hold her, stroking her hair.
"Buffy? Buffy look at me." Dawn weakly tried to lift Buffy's head so their eyes met. She was still sick and weak, but she knew that Buffy needed her. Buffy looked up, still breathing heavily. Dawn felt her eyes beginning to well up as she saw Buffy's tear streaked face, but she shook it off.
"Everything is going to be fine, Buffy. You need to calm down, a-and get some rest." She looked into Buffy's deep, sad eyes. "You need to sleep and we will sort this out in the morning. It's going to be okay." Dawn reassured Buffy.
Buffy remembered when she told Spike about Dawn. 'It'll all be okay, luv' he had reassured her. His voice was so soft and simple. He had a way about him that made her believe everything he told her. She remembered the tone in his voice from a few minutes ago . . . 'I will be back'. Suddenly she knew how much he hated leaving her, but he would come back. He was the only one who would come back for her. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in a few months. Even if it was only in her dreams, he would be back. He would always be there, always present in her heart. She wiped the tears from her face and took a deep breath. She stood up and managed a slight smile.
"I think you guys should go. There is nothing more that any of you can do." Buffy looked at her peers and gave them a reassuring 'I am going to be okay' look.
"Of course." Giles headed towards the door, but stopped next to Buffy. "It is going to be okay, Buffy. He will pull through." She smiled up at him.
"I know." She told him. He nodded and walked out the door. Xander gave her a quick hug and Anya smiled at her. After the three of them had left, Buffy turned to Dawn.
"You should, uh, really be in bed Dawnie." She looked at her sister.
"No. You need me. And, uh, I-I'm feeling better, really. I don't want to leave you. " Dawn told her sister. Buffy smiled at the concern in Dawn's voice.
"Thank you." She smiled at her sister as Dawn leaned in to give her a hug.
"I, uh, I think I'm gonna turn in. Will you be okay?" Willow said, looking at Buffy.
"Uh, yeah, Will. I'll be fine thanks." She watched as Willow nodded, gave her a hug, then went up the stairs, Tara not fair behind.
Buffy made her way to the couch, Dawn on her tail. They sat down together, comfortable in each other's presence. They sat there for a few minutes, but Dawn couldn't keep sitting there in silence as she listened to her sister sniffle every few seconds.
"Are you really okay Buffy?" Dawn asked. She knew something was up and just wanted to help her sister, more than anything.
Buffy knew she couldn't hide her true feelings from Dawn and decided to stop playing games. She looked up at Dawn with her once happy, peaceful eyes, which were now crawling with bloodshot veins and tears creeping from the back of her eyes. She choked a bit as she began to speak.
"No."
*****
Spike looked around his crypt and decided he had everything. After and hour or so of crying, he decided he had to leave. With his eyes red and puffy and his bag in his hand, he left, the sound of the doors low click echoing loudly through the cold, lonely, empty crypt.
*****
It's all kinds of good. Just remember this . . . loopholes. Okay? You will find out soon enough. Next few chapters are gonna be sort of grieving (but not * really * grieving), revelations of sorts, and trying to move on. Key word there is trying. Okay? Don't worry, I have the situation under control.
I just wanna thank everyone now for their wonderful reviews so far. They really do mean the world to me! Thank you soooooo much!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
*****
"What?" Buffy slowly got up from her seat on Spike's lap, her mind reeling with confusion. "W-what are you talking about?" She was beginning to sound scared. "* I'm * going." She yelled.
"Buffy . . . " He looked into her eyes, trying to sort out her emotions. He couldn't find one clue as to what she was feeling. "I have to-"
"No," she was shaking her head, not letting herself believe what she was hearing, "you're not leaving me. You're not going." She looked at him, trying to shake the growing fear in her gut.
"Buffy, you can't go." Spike told her.
"What do you mean I can't go. I'm the Slayer."
"And a mother, and a sister, and a friend, and a lover and-"
"And a daughter." Giles chimed in.
"N-no," Buffy put her hand up to Giles, "just . . . don't." She looked back over at Spike, tears beginning to build up in her eyes. She didn't pay any attention to anyone else around her except Spike. "So you're leaving me?" She began backing away from him, staring at him with cold eyes.
"No, pet. I'm not leaving you. Never, remember? I am leaving for a reason, and you know that that reason is not you." Spike tried to convince her.
"Yeah, but your leaving, and I may never see you again." A tear streamed down her cheek as she walked towards Spike. She wanted to be mad at him, but couldn't. She put her hand on his cold cheek. "You're a part of my heart."
"Please don't make this hard . . . " Spike pleaded.
"Oh, so it was easy before? Is that it?"
"God no Buffy! " He yelled slightly. Catching the tone in his voice, he calmed down. "It kills me to do this. You know how much I love you, and I hate myself for leaving like this-"
"So don't leave. Let me go instead." She managed to spit out through tears and gritted teeth.
"I can't do that. You have so many people who love you and need you. It killed them when you died that first time. Dawn had never been more distraught, neither had any of your friends. These people love you so much, Buffy. They would drag themselves out of bed in the morning, just because they bloody well knew that was what you wanted. You wanted them to keep living. I can't take you away from them again, hell no. And I wouldn't be able to bear to lose you again . . . its time for you to live." He tried his best to make her understand how much it was killing him that he had to go, but it would kill him even more if she went.
"And I can't stand to loose another man that I love. Especially now, after it took me so long to realize how much I really do love you. And after I finally do realize it you up and leave, just like that? After everything we've been through, all the sacrifices I've made, you're just going to leave?" Buffy asked, starting to get mad.
"Ah, I see. Our relationship was just a big sacrifice to you now, was it? Another one of life's barriers that you just overcame, and you're all the better for it?" Spike asked, annoyed.
Buffy swallowed hard. "Well, yeah. I've gone against everything that I have ever known to be right. I've abandoned my friends so many times to be with you and I didn't even notice the hell that poor Dawn was going through. And for what . . . so you could just leave?" Buffy looked at Spike and saw that his eyes were pleading for her to stop, but she continued. "No, you know what, it's fine. N-not like we could have a life together anyway, right? " Her voice was beginning to shake, and her hands felt so cold. "Some dead, souless, creature of the night and a Slayer? Nah, I don't know what the hell I was thinking" She lied.
Spike flinched at what she had just said to him. He didn't know whether to be angry or hurt. He was actually a little of both. It was the first time since he had been turned that he truly felt like crying.
"W-what?" He asked, so confused.
Buffy stood there in shocked at what she had just said. Their relationship had been far from a sacrifice, and she knew it. "No, Spike. I-I didn't mean . . . " Buffy tried to fix what she had just done. She knew she had hurt him so badly.
"Fine." He looked at her, trying to keep a stiff upper lip. "I guess I'll be on my way then. But I will be back." He told everyone in the room.
Buffy felt like she couldn't stand up on her own anymore. She leaned against the wall, her face in her hands. "Oh god . . . " She whispered to herself.
Spike turned to leave when he heard Dawn on the stairs. He looked at her, a tear running down his cheek.
"You're leaving?" She asked him, her voice so soft and innocent. He felt the guilt he had been carrying around for a few days grow even heavier. He hadn't even thought about how the Little Bit was going to react. He didn't want to leave her without saying goodbye, but he couldn't manage to muster up any sort of answer. He looked at Dawn then looked back a Buffy who was now sitting on the floor, her knees tightly pressed to her chest. He closed his eyes tightly, forcing a few more tears to fall, then opened the door slowly and left.
*****
Once outside, Spike rested himself up against the door. He could hear a few people moving around inside, but most of all he could hear Buffy. He could hear her sobs and he wanted to turn around and run back inside to comfort her, but he knew it was best to just keep going. He wiped off his cold, salty tears, pressed his hand against the door, and whispered.
"I love you." He then left for his crypt, trying hard not to think about Buffy and the mistake he had made.
He still had a few things left to pack, and he packed them quickly. The longer he stayed there, the harder it would be to leave. He would be gone, though, in a few hours to begin his search for The Clan of Nepsus. He took his bag, which carried only a few items of clothing, and put it next to the door. He made his way slowly back down the stairs. With each step he thought of Buffy, and with each step he became weaker. He found himself just standing at the bottom of the stairs, trying harder than ever not to break down into tears. Here he was a vampire with no soul, feeling awful about leaving a Slayer . . . whom he was in love with. He laughed a bit at the thought, but then his thoughts turned back to Buffy.
He could feel her silky smooth hair on his fingers; he could smell her scent lingering around his crypt where she had spent so much of her time. He could just feel her warm lips on his and her hands in his hair. Before he knew it, he knees had buckled and he fell to the ground. He held his face in his hands and cried. He didn't care about being evil anymore, or his reputation. He very well might have lost the woman that he loved tonight and it hurt him more than words could express. The thought if never being able to be with Buffy again made his undead heart sink. He lay in a ball on the floor, continuing to cry.
*****
Buffy sat wrapped up in a ball, crying her heart out. Willow came up next to her, but she didn't even notice. She looked around, her eyes wide. She began to hyperventilate when she noticed that Spike had actually gone.
"Oh no." She cried even harder. "Oh god, what have I done." She was still looking around rapidly, apparently in a state of shock. Everything had come so fast and she was still trying to sort things out. She looked up to find Willow hugging her. She held Willow's face in her hands and looked into her eyes.
"What . . . what have I done." Willow just looked back at her with sympathetic eyes.
"Buffy . . . "
"What have I done!?" She yelled through her sobs. Dawn rushed down by her side to hold her, stroking her hair.
"Buffy? Buffy look at me." Dawn weakly tried to lift Buffy's head so their eyes met. She was still sick and weak, but she knew that Buffy needed her. Buffy looked up, still breathing heavily. Dawn felt her eyes beginning to well up as she saw Buffy's tear streaked face, but she shook it off.
"Everything is going to be fine, Buffy. You need to calm down, a-and get some rest." She looked into Buffy's deep, sad eyes. "You need to sleep and we will sort this out in the morning. It's going to be okay." Dawn reassured Buffy.
Buffy remembered when she told Spike about Dawn. 'It'll all be okay, luv' he had reassured her. His voice was so soft and simple. He had a way about him that made her believe everything he told her. She remembered the tone in his voice from a few minutes ago . . . 'I will be back'. Suddenly she knew how much he hated leaving her, but he would come back. He was the only one who would come back for her. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in a few months. Even if it was only in her dreams, he would be back. He would always be there, always present in her heart. She wiped the tears from her face and took a deep breath. She stood up and managed a slight smile.
"I think you guys should go. There is nothing more that any of you can do." Buffy looked at her peers and gave them a reassuring 'I am going to be okay' look.
"Of course." Giles headed towards the door, but stopped next to Buffy. "It is going to be okay, Buffy. He will pull through." She smiled up at him.
"I know." She told him. He nodded and walked out the door. Xander gave her a quick hug and Anya smiled at her. After the three of them had left, Buffy turned to Dawn.
"You should, uh, really be in bed Dawnie." She looked at her sister.
"No. You need me. And, uh, I-I'm feeling better, really. I don't want to leave you. " Dawn told her sister. Buffy smiled at the concern in Dawn's voice.
"Thank you." She smiled at her sister as Dawn leaned in to give her a hug.
"I, uh, I think I'm gonna turn in. Will you be okay?" Willow said, looking at Buffy.
"Uh, yeah, Will. I'll be fine thanks." She watched as Willow nodded, gave her a hug, then went up the stairs, Tara not fair behind.
Buffy made her way to the couch, Dawn on her tail. They sat down together, comfortable in each other's presence. They sat there for a few minutes, but Dawn couldn't keep sitting there in silence as she listened to her sister sniffle every few seconds.
"Are you really okay Buffy?" Dawn asked. She knew something was up and just wanted to help her sister, more than anything.
Buffy knew she couldn't hide her true feelings from Dawn and decided to stop playing games. She looked up at Dawn with her once happy, peaceful eyes, which were now crawling with bloodshot veins and tears creeping from the back of her eyes. She choked a bit as she began to speak.
"No."
*****
Spike looked around his crypt and decided he had everything. After and hour or so of crying, he decided he had to leave. With his eyes red and puffy and his bag in his hand, he left, the sound of the doors low click echoing loudly through the cold, lonely, empty crypt.
*****
It's all kinds of good. Just remember this . . . loopholes. Okay? You will find out soon enough. Next few chapters are gonna be sort of grieving (but not * really * grieving), revelations of sorts, and trying to move on. Key word there is trying. Okay? Don't worry, I have the situation under control.
I just wanna thank everyone now for their wonderful reviews so far. They really do mean the world to me! Thank you soooooo much!