Chapter IX: Pertinent Questions, Mostly Unanswered
Remus was sitting in the library, hunched over It's Easier than Needle and Thread: The Idiot's Guide to Mending the Fabric of Space and Time, when the quiet was disrupted by a girl's voice sounding very annoyed.
"What do you mean that boy over there's got the book on repairing the space-time continuum? Don't you stock multiple copies?!" He looked up, and saw that the voice belonged to a younger girl he'd never seen before. She had rather fluffy brown hair and looked very flustered. A sheepish looking redheaded boy (who looked strangely like Arthur Weasley) stood a few feet away, flushed bright red. The girl looked over at Remus and blanched, murmuring something to Madame Pince and hurrying over to his table.
"Er, are you Remus Lupin?" Remus eyed the girl suspiciously, but didn't want to describe her eyes as being the rich colour of the best milk chocolate from Hogsmeade, so he decided it might be safe to talk to her, especially since she was looking for a book on repairing the continuum. Maybe she'd actually noticed something was wrong.
"Yes, I am. You wanted this book?"
"Yes! Do you think you'll be done with it soon?"
"Not likely," Remus told her. "You can look on with me if you want." Maybe she'd slip and start talking about the dilemma at hand. It would be nice to have an ally.
"Well, alright. What part of the book are you looking at?"
"Just the first chapter about diagnosing the problem." The girl nodded and sat down. Her redheaded companion shifted his weight nervously.
"R--Don, why don't you go to the Great Hall and...get something to eat?" This last part was meant to be an innuendo, but it was obviously lost on Don.
"Why?"
"Because you might be able to find out something useful from the other students there."
"Like what?"
"Oh for heaven's sake! Just go! Go and eat biscuits and don't talk to anyone!" The boy glared and walked out the door rather huffily, muttering under his breath. "Sorry about that," the girl said, turning back to Remus, who was starting to get suspicious. "Where were we? Diagnosing the problem? What do you think about the author's theory on time as an interwoven matrix of fibres, like a spiderweb, where each fibre can be easily disturbed and possibly lead to consequences elsewhere in the matrix?"
Remus decided to discard his suspicion for the moment, this could be the only intelligent conversation he'd have for weeks. Months, even.
"Well, I think it's plausible, but then, if you think about it, wouldn't everything we do cause some kind of huge, cosmic problem with the whole continuum?"
"What makes you so sure it doesn't?"
Meanwhile, Barry and Snape were winding their way up to the Astronomy Tower, making slightly stilted conversation about the Bogmorts curriculum, which seemed to be surprisingly similiar to Hogwarts, except that the courses had slightly different names, like "Mixing Unpleasant Powdered Things," "Making Up New Ways to Die and Calling them 'Predictions'," and "Changing Useless Things Into Other Useless Things."
"I mean, really," said Barry. "What the hell's the point of changing a tortoise into a teapot?"
"You had that exercise, too?" Snape asked. "Always did think it was a bit pointless." Barry looked shifty. Snape was choosing to ignore the absurdity of this situation at the thought of finally getting a good shag. As they climbed the winding stairs, a redheaded girl slipped past them, pausing to smile sexily at Snape and did a double take when she saw Barry, looking perplexed and continuing on down the stairs. Barry stared after her, eyes glazing over.
"Who was that, Sev?" Snape raised his eyebrows at this nickname, but replied anyway.
"Oh, her? That's Lily Evans. Her parents are rich wizards who have a huge manor house in some ambiguous place, but she's also an exchange student from another wizarding school in New York City."
"Can...can she join us?"
"She'd probably be game," Snape said, trotting down a few steps to call to her. "Lily! Want to come up to the tower with us?" he asked, leering at her.
"Sure, why not? James should still be up there, actually, he's feeling a bit...er...beaten," she said, tucking a hand into the crook of Snape's arm and walking delicately up the stairs. "This boy looks remarkably--"
"Like James, yes, I'd noticed."
"What's your name, sweetheart?"
"I'm Barry," the boy said, looking at Lily adoringly.
"Hullo Barry," she said as the three reached the door to the tower, muttering a spell (openus doorus) to get into room, where James Potter was buttoning up his shirt. Lily gave him a kiss on the cheek and a rather sharp-looking bite to the neck.
"Mum...Dad?" Barry said, tears in his eyes.
"Into roleplaying are you?" James asked.
Snape spell-locked the door.
Some time later, Barry and Snape came through the library doors, looking very stunned and very self-satisfied, respectively. Barry ran over to the table where Remus was sitting, having already pulled the redheaded boy out of a very vehement discussion he and Peter Pettigrew were having about being the misrepresented sidekick character, and why that meant you had to be obsessed with food all the damn time. They'd been sharing a plate of scones and were both covered in crumbs.
"Hermione, I've got it! I know why we were sent back in time!" Barry said in a yell. Needless to say, this attracted quite a bit of attention and rather overdramatic gasping sounds from the other students in the library. Remus found that he was barely surprised. After all, why else would a perfectly intelligent girl have appeared looking for a book on repairing the continuum? The girl in question winced as this was announced to the library, but Barry continued, oblivious. "I had to discover that I really love Professor Snape and he's a good lay! Now we can go back to our time, and I can make my peace with him and have slightly-illegal and very hot sex! After all, his problems stem from his troubled family life and the peer pressure of the other Slytherins, he's just a cuddly teddy bear at heart. Oh, and I met my parents, too. Now all I have to do is use this ball of magical lint in my pocket, and we'll be back home!"
Remus looked at Veronica (he supposed she was really called Hermione), ready to raise his eyebrows and share a disbelieving glance. However, she was now staring at Snape with her mouth open.
"But Harry," she said, not looking at Harry...Barry...whoever...at all. "How can I leave now, when I've only just realized how sexy Professor Snape is?" Snape leered and Hermione blushed. Harry elbowed Ron in the ribs.
"Oh, right, almost forgot," he said, and cleared his throat. "Hermione! How can you love Snape? He's so greasy and...uh...greasy! Yeah! Besides, Harry gets him in this story. Let's get out of here."
Harry pulled the ball of lint from his pocket, and the three disappeared in a shower of golden sparks that left tiny singed holes on the pages of the Idiot's Guide that had been left open on the table. Remus slammed the book shut, and looked up at Snape, who was striking a dramatic pose.
"Oh, Harry," he began, "Every moment that I have to wait for you will be endless! I cannot wait until the future when we can be together again!" He paused. "I think I'll go burn down Hagrid's house and rape someone now."
Remus didn't respond, fairly sure he wasn't actually being talked to. Snape swept out of the room.
Suddenly, Sirius reappeared in a showy flash of light. He was carrying a small rectangle of grey plastic and wearing a t-shirt with pictures of some strange looking boys and the puzzling slogan "New Kids on the Block."
"Look Remus!" Sirus yelled happily. "This is a GameBoy!! God, I love the future!"
"That's nice," Remus replied, "But weren't you supposed to save everyone we've ever met from dying?"
"Huh?"
The moment was interrupted by James bursting into the library. "Sirius! Amos Diggory told me about the next Triwizard Task! It's tomorrow! It's a swimsuit contest!"
Remus considered jumping from the Astronomy Tower.