Chapter X: Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny...
Gryffindor Tower was a flurry of activity, as everyone was only too happy to help James and Sirius get ready for the swimsuit competition. Remus had managed to get back into the tower by holding Sirius's hand and snuffling softly about how much he hated the full moon and felt alienated from everyone he knew. Sirius planted a reassuring kiss on the top of his head and called him Remy, and Aurora and Rayvenne (who'd disappeared for about seven chapters because this is what happens when authors don't think about their plotlines very hard) nodded in a pleased way, and happily began measuring Sirius's inseams.
Remus doubted very much this actually had anything to do with the contest, but by now realized that saying anything about this would be useless.
Instead, he sat down in an armchair and watched the chaos. He was careful not too look too amused, and pretended to be reading the book he had taken from the library especially for the occasion: When Cheering Charms Just Won't Do It: A Young Wizard's Guide to Dealing With Depression. He let out a gusty sigh, a little upset that everyone was so bloody oblivious, as he thought he was doing a pretty good job with all this "sad" stuff.
The Common Room was rapidly becoming a modified Muggle spa as Aurora and Rayvenne had procured massage tables from nowhere and were lecherously rubbing James and Sirius (who were wearing rather small towels wrapped around their waists and sporting mud masks and cucumbers over their eyes) with scented oils. Rayvenne was busy Sirius's hair through a highlighting cap, explaining that some blond streaks would really make him look more "beachy." Remus made his laugh sound like a sob. Martin Creevey patted him on the shoulder and resumed taking pictures.
Remus got absorbed in the book on teenage depression in spite of himself, mostly he was mentally disproving the stereotypes it presented and correcting the author's syntax, which was awful. He was pulled out of his reverie when Sirus waddled over to the arm of his chair and sat down, looking petulant and muttering under his breath about killing whoever it was that invented bikini waxing. Remus stifled another laugh, and looked up at the newly blond-streaked Sirius. His petulance of seconds earlier had dissolved into an expression of vague annoyance.
"Remus, you know I love you, but I also love Hermione, and I really think it was really wrong of you to try and seduce her in the library like that..."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Sirius, you never even saw that Hermione girl, you were off in the future, remember?"
"Some friend you are! First you try to steal my true love, and then you devalue my feelings for her? I can't believe you!"
"Sirius, we were reading!"
"Oh, so that's what the call it these days?" interjected James, whose hair was gelled into non-messy perfection. He was wearing a red-and-gold paisley silk bathrobe and leaning languidly against a nearby chair where Lily was busy ripping out pages of her Divination text and sticking them into her bra. "How 'bout we go and read somewhere, Lils?"
Lily slammed her book shut and adjusted the rather crinkly masses in the front of her robes before standing up and facing James indignantly.
"James Potter, you stupid chauvinistic git!! How dare you objectify me like that? You just see me as a piece of ass, don't you? Don't you?! And another thing, you care about your stupid friends and all those ridiculous pranks you play on Snape more than me! I can't take it anymore! I hope you get killed by Voldemort while we're in hiding with our unborn infant son! I'm going up to my room to study and make the hemlines on my miniskirts higher now!" She stormed up the staircase.
James shrugged. "She won't be so pleased with herself when she discovers that I've transfigured all her miniskirts into potholders with chickens on them," he said, and left to look unsure in a corner.
The next night, the student body of Hogwarts was gathered excitedly in the Great Hall, the floor of which was covered in real sand. There were palm trees and surfboards strewn around for effect, and house elves dressed in grass skirts were serving the food. The Triwizard Champions were conspicuously absent, and there was a lot of speculation about what they would be wearing. Lily had showed up to dinner in a skirt sewn together out of potholders with chickens on them, scowling.
Suddenly, Ludo Bagman's magically amplified voice startled everyone out of their hushed whispers and plates of roast beef. "Welcome to the second Triwizard Task, the swimsuit competition! Our first champion is Amos Diggory, who enjoys Herbology, cuddling by the fire, and making pretzels. His greatest ambition is to learn to walk without falling over, and if he wins the Tournament, he wants to promote world peace."
Amos Diggory walked out onto the sand covered stage (Which was lined with tiki torches. Magical tiki torches.) in a Victorian era bathing costume that covered him from neck to knee in yards of wool and lots of buttons, because no one wants to see Hufflepuffs in swimwear. The Hufflepuff table had mostly given up trying to applaud by this time, and so contented themselves with just shouting "yay!" as Amos tripped over a surfboard and fell into the sand.
"Er...moving along..." continued Bagman, who obviously hadn't picked up on the very predictable nature of these tasks yet. "Our next champion is Vladimir Krum, who enjoys swimming naked in partially frozen water, killing furry animals, and attempting to pronounce things that being with the letter "w." His greatest ambition is to have a son who plays for the Bulgarian Quidditch team, and if he wins the tournament, he wants to not have to row the damn ship back to Durmstrang."
Krum walked out, and everyone was glad to see that he hadn't worn what was apparently his favourite swimming outfit, nudity, but had opted for knee-length black shorts with fur trim. The other Durmstrang students applauded wildly, as he walked across the stage looking vaguely embarrassed and almost tripping over Amos Diggory's still-prone form.
"Next up is the delectable Miss Marie Delacour, who..." Bagman paused for a moment to wipe the drool of anticipation off his chin. "...enjoys seducing hapless men, selling her hair to be used in the cores of wands, and seducing hapless men some more. Her greatest ambition is to continue seducing hapless men and eventually become a mascot for the Bulgarian Quidditch team, and if she wins the tournament, she plans to demand a large, jewel-covered tiara."
Marie walked out onto the stage, dressed (if one could call it that) in the smallest silver bikini possible. There was another mass fit of drooling and falling over among the audience, and Bagman himself was rendered speechless for a good five minutes, which Marie used to flip her hair and twirl about seductively on the stage. Dumbledore rapped Bagman sharply over the head with his wand, and muttered some kind of incantation. Bagman's eyes cleared, and he continued announcing, although it was dubious whether half the people in the hall were listening.
"The next champion is Sirius Black, who enjoys being an unregistered Animagus, illegal enchanted motorbikes, and long walks on the beach. His greatest ambition is to beat Tetris on his GameBoy, and if he wins the tournament, he plans to use his status to shag as many people as possible." Sirius swaggered out onto stage, wearing what seemed to a black leather bikini. Girls screamed and fainted. Boys screamed and fainted. Remus dropped his fork. He'd have to remember to seduce Sirius when things were back to normal. If things ever got back to normal. He wondered if this desire was coming from the plot incongruities, took a second look at Sirius in the bikini, and decided that it had nothing whatsoever to do with them.
When the screams of joy at Sirius's roguish attractiveness had abated a bit, Bagman continued. "Next, we have Severus Snape, who enjoys being a Death Eater, brewing dangerous potions without safety goggles on, and chocolate-dipped strawberries. His greatest ambition is to become the next Dark Lord, and marry Her...Her-mee-own? Hermoyn? Some girl from the future? If he wins the tournament, he says he will set up a reign of terror at Hogwarts and burn the objectors to cinders." There was some weak applause from the Ravenclaws and the usual evil and unsavoury howls of something similar to approval from the Slytherin table as they loaded up on marbles and uneaten dinner rolls in anticipation of Snape's appearance.
However, they weren't the only ones with violent intentions. As Snape slunk evilly onto the stage, Sirius tackled him to the ground, which caused a cloud of sand to fall onto the spectators who were sitting within a three-foot radius.
"Snape, you stupid greasy git!! How dare you want to marry my true love Hermione!!! You're evil! And greasy...and...er...EVIL! And...and....you're wearing the same swimsuit as me!" Everyone squinted and noticed that, yes, Snape and Sirius were indeed wearing the same leather bikini.
"Ooh, the same outfit? How embarrassing!" twittered a Hufflepuff girl. Snape and Sirius started fighting in earnest, kicking sand everywhere and screaming obscenities. Dumbledore motioned to Bagman to ignore them and announce the last champion.
"Our last champion is---ouch, that's gonna be a nasty bruise in the morning!" Snape had punched Sirius in the eye. "Right, as I was saying, last is James Potter, who enjoys Quidditch, good-natured pranks, and loving, traditional missionary position sex with his girlfriend, Lily. His greatest ambition is to marry her and do something important in the war against Voldemort, even if it means dying. If he wins the tournament, he plans to blush, shrug, and graciously accept your inevitable accolades for being such a wonderful person. He would also like to beg Lily to forgive him, as he knows he's been a huge prat."
James walked out onto the stage, dressed in Gryffindor red-and-gold hot pants, and barely paused to savour his applause, but jumped off the stage and ran to Lily with a bouquet of roses. He also thoughtfully changed her potholders into a skirt that wasn't much bigger than they were. Lily burst into happy tears, and they hugged and kissed and groped, much to the delight of the Hogwarts student body.
The attention suddenly shifted to the stage once again, where Sirius had just hit Snape over the head with a tiki torch.
Remus figured the room was loud enough that he could have a bit of a talk with himself without being overheard.
"When will this crazed debaucle be over?" he groaned.
Peter popped up from under the table, clutching at his forearm and holding a little notepad with a Dark Mark emblazoned on the front, and the caption "INFORMATION ABOUT JAMES POTTER FOR LORD VOLDEMORT."
"You'd better enjoy this while you can, Remus," Peter said, grabbing a piece of cake that had materialized on the table. "It's the last excitement we'll have around here for awhile. It's two whole days until the Yule Ball."