Title: Blurry 2/?
Rating: PG-13, for now
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for her help!
*************
"Are you going to stand behind the trees all night and watch me? Or are you going to sit
down?"
"Didn't know if you'd want me near you."
In the past she'd shoot out with something like 'That's never stopped you before.' But
this growing up and thinking about things was changing her. Very slowly it seemed,
because every response she ran through her head seemed just as snarky. Okay, here goes,
she thought. This should cause forward momentum in our relationship. Maybe. "Sit
down Spike. We're glad you're back."
As he appeared out of the dark, her eyes took him in. He seemed different somehow.
But was that him, or was it her? She'd changed in the few weeks he had been gone, she
really believed that she had. But had something happened to him? And where had he
been? His eyes looked weary, like they'd traveled a long journey. His body seemed the
same, but there was no swagger, no cocky jaunt to his step. He seemed downtrodden,
tired, and in no mood to talk.
It seemed backwards. He was usually the comforter. But it seemed now their roles had
reversed. And she didn't know what to do. Tentatively her hand reached out towards
him. She kept her gaze straight ahead, afraid she would falter if she looked at him. As
her hand settled on his back, she could feel the surprise ripple through him. But no sound
was made. They just managed to sit there in silence for a few minutes.
"You said 'we're glad you're back'. Who's glad? I didn't think I left any fans here
besides Clem."
"I'm sure Clem's glad you're back. But I was talking about Dawn and I. We missed
you, especially since we didn't know where you were or when you would be back."
"Didn't think you'd notice."
Even his voice sounded weary to her. Wherever he'd been, it didn't seem like he'd come
out for the better. Instead it seemed as if what had happened between them weighed on
him even more. "I noticed. You're kind of hard not to notice. And Giles asked where
you were."
"So he could stake me?"
"No one wants to stake you. Okay maybe Xander, but he doesn't count. Giles was just
hoping you could help out and he wanted to talk to you."
"I can go by the Magic Shoppe tomorrow. See what he wants."
"He's not there. Went back to England. But he'll be back again in a few weeks."
"Do you know what he wanted to talk about?"
"Us. Me. Willow. But it's probably a good thing he's not here right now, cause I don't
think you're in any shape to talk. Spike, where were you? What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. But I hope one day you'll tell me. You know, that we do have other stuff to talk
about. And I do want to talk, have an actual conversation. I have a lot of things to say
and I think you have a lot on your chest. I owe you some listening time. I'd like to do it
soon, but not until you're ready."
He didn't know what to say or how to feel. Emotions surged within him, fighting to
make themselves known. But none came out on top. There was guilt and regret. With
Buffy saying she wanted to talk to him, another emotion rose to the surface. It was new.
Was it happiness? Hope?
During the past few weeks, he thought he had worked his way through the gauntlet of
human emotions. He thought he had himself under control. But now, one woman was
about to unseat him from where he carefully balanced upon a precipice. The words he
had prepared to hear from her hadn't been uttered. Instead, this whole conversation
seemed like a dream.
Things had changed since he had last been in Sunnydale. Buffy had changed. He could
see it in her eyes. They weren't pools of despair, blank and unfeeling. She seemed
happy to be alive. "Something happened."
"Yeah. You missed out on a lot. Short version, Tara shot, Willow went all dark magic
and tried to kill us all. Willow and Xander are in England with Giles, while she goes
through rehab. I'm at least happy to be here, trudging through life, slaying, taking care of
Dawn. I'm trying to not run from things and I'm trying to figure out the meaning of the
word happiness."
He hadn't expected that much to have happened. And he didn't know what to think. So
he just focused on the person sitting next to him. He'd get the long version later and
worry about the rest then. "You look good. You look happy." And she did. He was
happy for her, he really was. But a small part of him wished that he had been the one to
help her look alive again.
"I feel good and happy for once."
"And Dawn?"
"She's good. She's just watching TV. I can get her if you want me to. She'd love to
see you."
"Not right now. I don't know what to say to her."
Buffy could hear the unspoken sentences that followed. 'How do I tell Dawn that I tried
to hurt her sister? How do ask for her forgiveness?' It seemed that while she had moved
past that night in her bathroom, he had remained stagnant, wallowing in it. The guilt and
pain that had graced his beautiful face was even more pronounced. Trying to repair
whatever was broken between them was going to be harder than she had imagined.
"Dawn has a lot bigger problems on her mind than you or me right now. Not that she
doesn't have questions. But she'll give you a break from them. Just talk to her about her
friends, music, and summer school."
"She wasn't able to bring her grades up?"
"No. And the tardies and skipped days didn't help any. But we made a pact and she'll
go to school and study hard from now on."
She thought that might give him an opening. But no, he didn't ask about their pact. She
figured it was up to her to address it then. "I have to find a better job, one that has
steadier hours." Buffy thought he'd be happy about that. She knew he had hated her
working at the Doublemeat. But the only response from him was a merely sideways
glance.
"Why are we sitting here and doing this?"
"Huh?"
"Us. Talking. Why are you giving me the time of day?"
"I don't think I can give you a simple explanation. Do you want me to hate you for what
happened? We each have to live with our own actions. And both of us have a lot to be
ashamed for."
"You're not the same Buffy that was here when I left."
"And you don't seem like the Spike that left town without a goodbye. Don't do it again."
"Evil." It seemed like a cop out. That wasn't his reason for leaving without saying a
word. But it was his standard reaction to her, whenever she wanted to know why he had
done something. Could he really call himself evil now? Or would he have to find a new
word?
"Yeah right. You have more human emotions than almost anyone I know, except for
Dawn and her teenage hormones. Someone who's evil doesn't care about other people.
They don't care who they hurt. You weren't evil these past few months Spike, I was."
He just sat, not knowing what to say. He had come prepared to fight for the right to live,
and prepared to die by her hand. In his head, he had a list of why having a soul was
good. Why he should be allowed a second chance. And he had rehearsed how he would
deliver that speech. But somehow it seemed he had been given a chance, without even a
mention of the bloody thing. It threw him for a loop. He didn't know what to do.
Standing up, Buffy slowly stretched her arms up, as if reaching for the sky. "You were
missed Spike. More than you know. I have to get inside. I promised Dawn I'd watch
TV with her."
"Tell her I said I'll try to stop by and see her soon."
"I will. Call first if you want to come during the day, so we can unlock the door. We got
sick of people barging in all the time. Now that you're back we wouldn't want you to
turn to dust."
He watched her as she disappeared into the house. He almost felt like testing the limits.
Could he still get in? He had a feeling he could walk straight in, without any barriers.
And that scared him. It wasn't what he expected. This Buffy wasn't what he had
expected to come back to. Now he didn't know quite what to do.
Rating: PG-13, for now
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for her help!
*************
"Are you going to stand behind the trees all night and watch me? Or are you going to sit
down?"
"Didn't know if you'd want me near you."
In the past she'd shoot out with something like 'That's never stopped you before.' But
this growing up and thinking about things was changing her. Very slowly it seemed,
because every response she ran through her head seemed just as snarky. Okay, here goes,
she thought. This should cause forward momentum in our relationship. Maybe. "Sit
down Spike. We're glad you're back."
As he appeared out of the dark, her eyes took him in. He seemed different somehow.
But was that him, or was it her? She'd changed in the few weeks he had been gone, she
really believed that she had. But had something happened to him? And where had he
been? His eyes looked weary, like they'd traveled a long journey. His body seemed the
same, but there was no swagger, no cocky jaunt to his step. He seemed downtrodden,
tired, and in no mood to talk.
It seemed backwards. He was usually the comforter. But it seemed now their roles had
reversed. And she didn't know what to do. Tentatively her hand reached out towards
him. She kept her gaze straight ahead, afraid she would falter if she looked at him. As
her hand settled on his back, she could feel the surprise ripple through him. But no sound
was made. They just managed to sit there in silence for a few minutes.
"You said 'we're glad you're back'. Who's glad? I didn't think I left any fans here
besides Clem."
"I'm sure Clem's glad you're back. But I was talking about Dawn and I. We missed
you, especially since we didn't know where you were or when you would be back."
"Didn't think you'd notice."
Even his voice sounded weary to her. Wherever he'd been, it didn't seem like he'd come
out for the better. Instead it seemed as if what had happened between them weighed on
him even more. "I noticed. You're kind of hard not to notice. And Giles asked where
you were."
"So he could stake me?"
"No one wants to stake you. Okay maybe Xander, but he doesn't count. Giles was just
hoping you could help out and he wanted to talk to you."
"I can go by the Magic Shoppe tomorrow. See what he wants."
"He's not there. Went back to England. But he'll be back again in a few weeks."
"Do you know what he wanted to talk about?"
"Us. Me. Willow. But it's probably a good thing he's not here right now, cause I don't
think you're in any shape to talk. Spike, where were you? What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. But I hope one day you'll tell me. You know, that we do have other stuff to talk
about. And I do want to talk, have an actual conversation. I have a lot of things to say
and I think you have a lot on your chest. I owe you some listening time. I'd like to do it
soon, but not until you're ready."
He didn't know what to say or how to feel. Emotions surged within him, fighting to
make themselves known. But none came out on top. There was guilt and regret. With
Buffy saying she wanted to talk to him, another emotion rose to the surface. It was new.
Was it happiness? Hope?
During the past few weeks, he thought he had worked his way through the gauntlet of
human emotions. He thought he had himself under control. But now, one woman was
about to unseat him from where he carefully balanced upon a precipice. The words he
had prepared to hear from her hadn't been uttered. Instead, this whole conversation
seemed like a dream.
Things had changed since he had last been in Sunnydale. Buffy had changed. He could
see it in her eyes. They weren't pools of despair, blank and unfeeling. She seemed
happy to be alive. "Something happened."
"Yeah. You missed out on a lot. Short version, Tara shot, Willow went all dark magic
and tried to kill us all. Willow and Xander are in England with Giles, while she goes
through rehab. I'm at least happy to be here, trudging through life, slaying, taking care of
Dawn. I'm trying to not run from things and I'm trying to figure out the meaning of the
word happiness."
He hadn't expected that much to have happened. And he didn't know what to think. So
he just focused on the person sitting next to him. He'd get the long version later and
worry about the rest then. "You look good. You look happy." And she did. He was
happy for her, he really was. But a small part of him wished that he had been the one to
help her look alive again.
"I feel good and happy for once."
"And Dawn?"
"She's good. She's just watching TV. I can get her if you want me to. She'd love to
see you."
"Not right now. I don't know what to say to her."
Buffy could hear the unspoken sentences that followed. 'How do I tell Dawn that I tried
to hurt her sister? How do ask for her forgiveness?' It seemed that while she had moved
past that night in her bathroom, he had remained stagnant, wallowing in it. The guilt and
pain that had graced his beautiful face was even more pronounced. Trying to repair
whatever was broken between them was going to be harder than she had imagined.
"Dawn has a lot bigger problems on her mind than you or me right now. Not that she
doesn't have questions. But she'll give you a break from them. Just talk to her about her
friends, music, and summer school."
"She wasn't able to bring her grades up?"
"No. And the tardies and skipped days didn't help any. But we made a pact and she'll
go to school and study hard from now on."
She thought that might give him an opening. But no, he didn't ask about their pact. She
figured it was up to her to address it then. "I have to find a better job, one that has
steadier hours." Buffy thought he'd be happy about that. She knew he had hated her
working at the Doublemeat. But the only response from him was a merely sideways
glance.
"Why are we sitting here and doing this?"
"Huh?"
"Us. Talking. Why are you giving me the time of day?"
"I don't think I can give you a simple explanation. Do you want me to hate you for what
happened? We each have to live with our own actions. And both of us have a lot to be
ashamed for."
"You're not the same Buffy that was here when I left."
"And you don't seem like the Spike that left town without a goodbye. Don't do it again."
"Evil." It seemed like a cop out. That wasn't his reason for leaving without saying a
word. But it was his standard reaction to her, whenever she wanted to know why he had
done something. Could he really call himself evil now? Or would he have to find a new
word?
"Yeah right. You have more human emotions than almost anyone I know, except for
Dawn and her teenage hormones. Someone who's evil doesn't care about other people.
They don't care who they hurt. You weren't evil these past few months Spike, I was."
He just sat, not knowing what to say. He had come prepared to fight for the right to live,
and prepared to die by her hand. In his head, he had a list of why having a soul was
good. Why he should be allowed a second chance. And he had rehearsed how he would
deliver that speech. But somehow it seemed he had been given a chance, without even a
mention of the bloody thing. It threw him for a loop. He didn't know what to do.
Standing up, Buffy slowly stretched her arms up, as if reaching for the sky. "You were
missed Spike. More than you know. I have to get inside. I promised Dawn I'd watch
TV with her."
"Tell her I said I'll try to stop by and see her soon."
"I will. Call first if you want to come during the day, so we can unlock the door. We got
sick of people barging in all the time. Now that you're back we wouldn't want you to
turn to dust."
He watched her as she disappeared into the house. He almost felt like testing the limits.
Could he still get in? He had a feeling he could walk straight in, without any barriers.
And that scared him. It wasn't what he expected. This Buffy wasn't what he had
expected to come back to. Now he didn't know quite what to do.