Blurry 6/?
Author: Amanda
Summary: A few weeks after Grave in Sunnydale. And Spike's back!
Rating: PG13, for now
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me. I only wish they did, because then I wouldn't be
dragging myself to school everyday and facing repaying lots of loans back.
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.

*************

"Delivery service?"

"Yeah. Think about it. You run into an emergency and need something, you run to the
store. What if a demon runs into an emergency? They might have to wait two more
weeks until they come in here and buy it. With a delivery service, they can have it a lot
quicker. And we can tack on a substantial fee."

"What's next? Selling DVD's?"

Buffy wished she could take those words back. She could see the light bulb come on in
Anya's head. It was scary the way her mind worked.

"That's a great idea. We can buy the ones from Hollywood Video that have already been
viewed, repackage them and sell them."

"I was only kidding."

"Do you want to be a part of this or not?"

"I'm still thinking about it. I do have some reservations. We aren't going to be selling
anything illegal are we?"

"Of course not. This is all above board. You'll even be paying income taxes."

"You mean I don't get paid under the table?"

"As an individual you must do your part and contribute to your country. Like me! Stick
with me Buffy, you'll have a portfolio to rival mine in no time."

Portfolio? Portfolio of what? Anya was driving her crazy. First with her incessant talk
of wanting Xander to stay in England. Okay, so she wanted that too. And yes, she knew
she was a bad friend for wanting that. But she didn't vocalize it. Then, just going on and
on about this new business venture. You'd think Anya was planning a war with the lists
and notes she'd made. At least she knew who to call now for help in planning to
overthrow one in motion.

She knew Anya was antsy though. She was ready to open the shop back up, but had
agreed to wait for Giles to be back. It wouldn't be that much longer now. And Anya was
at least in a good mood about him coming back earlier, instead of sulking about how she
was loosing money. Giles. Giles and selling to demons. She hoped to god, that Anya
had run this by him.

"Anya, did you tell Giles about this new little venture of yours? Running a legal
underground store for demons?"

"Why would I tell Giles? Do you think he'd have some ideas?"

"Because he deserves a cut of the profits. And you still haven't told me what my share
is."

"Why would he get a share of the profits? He's not doing anything. It's not like he…."

"It's not like he what? Owns the place? That is what you were going to say isn't it? He
does own the place, unless someone forgot to tell me something. Does Giles still own
this or not?"

"I got to get back to work. Clem gave me a lot of ideas and I need to work them out."

"Anya."

"I'm not supposed to talk about it. Don't make me talk about it. I promised. I told him
this was a bad idea."

"Oh god, he's not coming back. He's not, is he? He's just going to drop the psycho
witch off and toddle off back to Merry Old England." In her mind she knew he wouldn't
stay forever. But she at least thought he'd stay for a few weeks. Or a month or two. She
really didn't think he'd do a hit and run.

"Uh, well." Spotting the door to the basement opening, she took the opportunity to
address Buffy's attention elsewhere. "Spike! Boy am I glad to see you!" At the look
Buffy gave her, half what do you mean, stay away from my vampire and half, you're so
lucky I'm letting you off the hook, she tried to rectify what she said. "Not glad to see
you in that kind of way, you know. Just glad, because you're my friend. And Buffy's
friend. And Buffy's glad you're back, so I'm glad. And I need to go over there and look
at my paperwork."

"Buffy," she whispered, "don't forget to ask him about that thing, you know. And the
delivery thing. Then get back with me. I need to know if I need to compose an add for
The Demon Times or not."

The Demon Times? Buffy did not want to go there. It was so much easier when she
lived in her little world of slayer good, demons evil. Slayer kills all demons, doesn't
carry on conversations with them, isn't friends or anything beyond friends with them.
Yes, life was so much less complicated when she had been sixteen.

After awhile, he couldn't ignore her eyes on him. They'd hung all her swords up, set up
the new punching bag, arranged her weights exactly where she wanted them. The whole
time he had felt her sneaking glances at him. He felt like he was under a microscope.
Like she was looking right through him and could see the soul in his chest. She was
examining it, seeing if it was worthy of him. Of course that was just his imagination, as
only Clem knew. At least as far as he was aware.

Or maybe she was as unsure of him, as he was of her. Maybe she was trying to figure out
how to start a conversation. Maybe her overtures of niceties weren't an act and she was
worried about him. With Dawn it had been easy. As soon as he told her he wouldn't
leave again, she'd been in his arms chattering away. The walls between them weren't
bricks, mortar, concrete, and steel.

"If you have something to say, just say it."

"I wanted to talk to you about Dawn. She's been through a rough time."

"She told me all about it. But she's handling it okay. She said it helps that you're around
a lot. And Anya. For some reason, she likes to spend time with Anya these days. She
used to hate it before."

"Anya treats her like an adult now. Not like a kid, needing to be pat on the head. But
still, she has a lot on her mind."

"And you don't. She told me what happened."

"Huh? Which thing?"

"About you getting shot. And what Willow did to you. She said it was nothing, but it
wasn't was it? It wasn't nothing to you."

Buffy put down the knife she'd been twirling. She had a feeling this conversation was
about to get pretty deep and she didn't think she needed to be holding any dangerous
weapons. Why could Spike always see everything? Why couldn't she fool him? How
did he always know?"

"I was shot," she said, as if it was no big deal. "She pulled the bullet out. End of story."

"You were dead. Maybe for only a second or so. But you were dead. And she pulled
you back to life. Don't lie to me. You didn't before, don't lie now."

"Yeah."

"Why's it different this time? Why are you so happy now? And why could you forgive
her before, but not now? And why am I the only one you'll confide in?"

"You want some simple answer? Well I don't have one. All I have are fragments of
thoughts, that I piece together everyday. Do I want to be here? Not really. I had a touch
of peace again. But no one wants me to have that. But what do I have to show for the
past year? Just a fucked up life. So I can choose to try and do something about it, or I
can wallow in self-pity. And Dawn doesn't deserve that."

"What about you? What do you deserve?"

"Not you being nice to me."

"Buff…."

"Listen to me Spike. I don't know why you stood beside me this past year. I treated you
like crap. And you took all of it. I didn't used to be like that. I'm sure my Mom hates
what I did, what I became. So this time, it's gonna be better. Yeah, it hurts to be here.
It's still bright and hard. But slowly, the edges are blurring.

"And I'm not happy. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. Happy died a long time ago,
when I had to fulfill my duties of a slayer over what I wanted to do with my life. But I'm
coping with my life on a daily basis and trying to find something in it to smile over."

"And the psycho witch?"

"You've already spent too much time around Dawn, if you've taken to calling her that."
She took a minute to get her thoughts together. She genuinely wanted to tell him. And
he was the only one who asked these questions. Everyone else was just happy she was
happy. They didn't want to hear all the other stuff. They didn't want the deep, dark, and
ugly thoughts.

"Last year I took my frustrations out on the two people who had nothing to do with
bringing me back. This year, the ones who are responsible for it, get the true anger. We
started out as friends last fall. Good friends. We'd talk, patrol together. And along the
way, I took us down a nasty path. I have a second chance to rectify that. With you, with
Dawn. With everyone. That's all I want Spike. A second chance. If I get one, you get
one. The slate's wiped clean. We start over again."

"After what I did? You know I never… Buffy I never meant to hurt you. What
happened is always on my mind. I see your face before me. Why do you think I left?"

"I don't know. And I don't know why you don't look happy about this. Don't you want
to start over? Try this again between us, without any secrets. I mean it won't be easy,
especially with Xander on his way back. But why don't you want this?" In her mind she
sounded whiny, confused. She wondered if that is what Spike heard. But she was
confused. She didn't get it. She told him they could start over and there he was on the
other side of the room, not even wanting to look at her.

"You don't get it."

"Then explain it to me. That's what this new start is supposed to be about. Talking
instead of fists and sex. Why can't we do that?"

"I need to go. We got this set up for you." He gestured to the refurbished training room.
"Did you need anything else?"

She felt like smashing his head. Or shaking him until she could find the sense in him.
Then maybe she could stuff it back inside. Instead she counted to ten. Slowly.
"Whatever happens between us, Dawn comes first. I'd prefer her not coming to the
crypt. But you're welcome at any time to see her. Come see her, please. She misses
Tara and she counts on you. I took you away from her last year. Don't be a stranger to
her."

She could feel the tears behind her eyes. But she fought to hold them back. She wasn't
going to let him see her cry. If he wanted her, it wasn't going to be because she broke
down in front of him.

"I'll always be there for Dawn. I made a promise to you once. And I plan to keep it. I
might not have done right by her lately. But I'll make it up to her. Anything else?"

"Talk to Anya before you go. She has a job offer for you."

Without a word he left. But as he was closing the door on her, the quiet words she said
wafted along the air to him. "I thought you loved me. I thought I was in your blood, you
were drowning in me."

It took all his self-control not to turn back around and go back in there. But he wasn't
doing that again. He'd be there for Dawn and whatever Buffy needed. He'd help her out,
help her get her bearings with life. He'd support her in anyway he could. But he
couldn't go back down that road of trying to be more than a friend. It just wasn't in the
cards for them. And they both needed to learn to live with that fact.