Blurry 8/?
Author: Amanda
Summary: A few weeks after 'Grave.' Spike returns, then Xander, Willow and Giles
comes back. And Buffy has her head on halfway straight.
Rating: PG13, for now
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.
Distribution: Please ask.
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.
*************
The night was silent and dark, except for the full moon that lit the streets. There was
nothing out here, except for those furry Elmo monsters, she hated them. They didn't
seem to be that evil, except for soaking anything that moved. And for that alone, they
needed to be killed. But no vampires were about. She hadn't seen one in the last few
days. Except for the one that was probably in her living room right now, with her sister
sleeping on his shoulder.
She had left for patrol, before Spike and Giles had finished talking. They had to have
been talking, because no noise could be heard through the door of Anya's office. Unless
they had silently killed each other. But Anya trusted them enough to allow them back
into her inner sanctum, so she must not have believed they would kill each other and
mess up her paperwork. Dawn had said she would get Spike to take her home, even
though she felt she was qualified to walk home all by herself.
Buffy knew that eventually she was going to have to make good on her promise to let
Dawn train some and patrol. But she was trying to hold out for as long as she could.
However, now might be a good time to let Dawn come with her. It wasn't like there was
anything on the streets that could grab her. There was nothing on the streets. Zero.
Nada. Zilch. And she hated it, because it gave her more time to think.
It had been awkward with Willow and Xander. In the few minutes before Giles and
Spike had disappeared behind a closed door, she could see Xander mentally trying to dust
him at least a thousand times. But he had kept quiet. Buffy didn't know whom to thank
for that, but she was thankful. She didn't feel like defending Spike to everyone, being all
happy they were home, and pretending like all was okay in the world. Because it wasn't.
Her world sucked at the moment and she really didn't want to pretend otherwise.
The money problem would be solved shortly. Anya was anticipating opening the doors
to the demons of Sunnydale in two weeks. Of course, that is if they hadn't all gone
underground. Clem said he hadn't heard of anything strange. He didn't know why she
didn't encounter any on patrol. The anticipated return that would be her share, equaled
that of her pay from the Doublemeat, which surprised her. But Anya had warned her that
the calculations could be off. She couldn't complain though. For the short amount of
work she would put in and the pay she would be receiving, she was more than satisfied.
But that still wouldn't pay all the bills. Nor would it pay Giles back for his second loan.
But if she could find another job, she would be well on her way to financial
independence.
That was one problem solved. On to Willow and Xander now. Both had been quiet. It
had been awkward, with Anya trying to cover up by overcompensating and talking too
much. She had seen the looks both Xander and Willow had shot her. Both probably
wondering why she was still around and what business it was of hers what happened in
their lives now that she was a vengeance demon. Buffy knew everyone expected Anya to
just disappear. But she hadn't. Anya had stayed behind when everyone else had left.
And she was grateful. Without Anya around the last few weeks, she would have gone
crazy. But why should she have to defend Anya to them. Why couldn't they all get
along? Why couldn't they accept that not everything was black and white. One would
think they could do that, after Willow had tried to end the world and Xander had forgiven
her in less than two seconds.
But Willow seemed to still have some type of grudge against Anya. She always had. It
was as though she had taken Xander away, when the two of them got together. But
wasn't your future spouse supposed to come first? And Xander had never put Anya first.
She and Anya had talked about that. And how Anya had ever right to hate Xander for
that. And Xander was a 'speciest' as Anya called him. And Buffy didn't want to deal
with them. So she had run. Because running was what she did best. Running from her
feelings, from confrontations, from actions that she knew she had to take. She knew
she'd have to deal with them sooner or later and pick a side to stand on. But they were
all adults and she couldn't understand why everyone just couldn't suck it up and work it
out themselves, rather than dragging everyone else into it.
Okay, so Xander hated the fact that Anya had become a vengeance demon again. Well so
did she. But she accepted it. And she could be friends with Anya again. Now Xander
needed to move on and deal with it. He needed to learn that just because he didn't like it,
it didn't make it right. The same with Spike. So he didn't like Spike. Fine. But get over
it, and keep your opinions to yourself. None of them were the moral authority of the
others. And they needed to stop acting like they were.
And Willow couldn't judge if Anya was good enough now. Willow had no room to talk.
They had all screwed up over the past year. And they should all be on equal footing, with
no one above the rest. Except maybe Giles.
She came to the realization that her thoughts sounded like some big speech she should be
giving. And maybe she should. Maybe she should sit them all down and tell them to
listen. Tell them to get over it, act like adults, and move on. But she didn't have that
right. Especially since she was the one running right now, and she was still trying to act
like an adult.
*************
"You still won't tell me what you and Giles talked about?" Dawn had wanted to listen at
the door, maybe take a cup and try to eavesdrop that way. But she knew Anya wouldn't
let her. Even if she had wanted to do the same thing. But she was curious. She wanted
to know what Spike and Giles had talked about and if either one had threatened to kill the
other. Anya and Giles had muttered something about contracts or such, when the two
had emerged from her office. So it seemed that Anya might have a clue. But neither
Xander nor Willow did. Both Xander and Willow had seemed surprised that the two
willingly wanted to talk to each other and they both walked away unharmed. Dawn was
happy about that. Maybe they would get along and actually be nice to each other. But
Xander wanted Giles to dust Spike, while Willow just kept quiet about it all.
"No. You need to get to sleep. It's a school night." And Spike wanted to be left alone to
think. Without cable, he couldn't do much else besides think. He was surprised that
Giles had wanted him to help Buffy, that Giles trusted him enough to help her. And he
didn't know how he would feel with what Buffy chose. If she didn't choose to go ahead
with it, it could be for any number of reasons including having him as part of the deal.
But it could just be that council of wankers, that always seemed to want to put their noses
where they didn't belong. But he knew she needed the money. And he got the
impression that Giles really wanted Buffy to take the offer.
"I can fall asleep down here. You or Buffy can carry me up."
"You want to be treated like an adult?"
"Yes."
"Then act like one. Adults don't fall asleep downstairs waiting for someone to carry
them up to their beds. Your sister has enough on her mind, without coming home to find
you down here."
"What's got you in a bad mood?"
"Nothing. Just letting you know how adults behave, since you seem bent on proclaiming
you are one."
"Is it Buffy? Is she being a bitch again? I mean, I know she can be one. Hello, I live
with her. She'll get out of her mood soon enough. Or not."
"Buffy's fine." And to him she was. Not many people could screw up, 'hi,' 'bye,'
'thanks for staying with Dawn.' And he could see in her eyes that she had bit back
whatever else she wanted to say. She seemed to be steering clear of him, of asking him
for anything after their talk in her training room. And now he wasn't sure that's what he
wanted. Well, he did. But he also wanted her to know that she could count on him for
anything. And not just watching Dawn. But he also didn't want her to think that was an
open invitation to just resume their relationship. And now that he thought about it, what
if she got that impression from him agreeing to work with her. It was complicated. Just
like he had told Dawn, it was a complicated mess. A tangled web, that didn't seem to
work its way free.
"Why don't you ever talk about her?"
"What?"
"Why don't you ever talk about Buffy? Don't you love her anymore?"
"Don't you need to get to bed? Get your beauty sleep?"
"Did something happen while you were gone. You tell me these stories about Uganda.
The plains, the cave paintings, the Nile, and that waterfall place."
"Murchison Falls."
"Right. But you didn't tell me what you were doing there. And why didn't you bring
back pictures?"
"Vacationing. It was dark. You wanted me to break my neck, trying to take pictures in
the dark?"
"Well no. But postcards would have been nice. Most people on vacations at least buy
postcards. I still think you're keeping something from me. Nobody just decides to take
off on a whim and go to Uganda. Especially not a vampire."
"Dawn, bed."
"Fine. But are you going to stay down here until she gets home?"
"Yes, I will stay here until Buffy gets home."
"You still love her, right? I mean, I thought you'd always love her. But why aren't you
acting like it? Is that why Buffy thinks you're different, because you don't love her."
"I love your sister. And I always will. But you need to get to bed."
And he would always love Buffy. It consumed him. He drowned in it, never finding the
shore so he could pull himself to safety. Not that he wanted to. Loving Buffy made him
better. He knew that. It had led him to where he was now. He had a job. He could
afford to rent an apartment. And he had a soul. If he didn't love Buffy, he never would
have gotten to that point in her bathroom. And then, he never would have gotten a soul.
For that alone, the pain, the heartbreak, the humiliation was worth it.
But he really didn't know what to do now. It was so easy with Dawn. They didn't have
anything weighing on their relationship. But with Buffy, nothing had ever been simple.
And he didn't know where he stood. He didn't know if he could be in a relationship with
her. He didn't know if he could trust her. He didn't know if they could work out. And
without a guarantee, he didn't think he wanted to risk it. A bloke can only take so much,
and he'd taken much more than anyone else from Buffy.
The quiet creak of the front door let him know that Buffy was back. And she was early.
Normally it was near two in the morning before she made an appearance. But tonight it
was almost midnight. It must have been slow.
"Dawn upstairs?"
"Went up awhile ago. Slow night?"
"Nothing's out there. Didn't even see my regular friends, the Elmo demons." At his
confused look, she continued on. "I just call them that, because they remind me of Elmo
from 'Sesame Street.' They're red and fuzzy."
"Guess I'll have a quiet walk home then."
"You don't have to leave. I'm not tired. We could talk. Or watch TV."
"Nothing much on, just repeats of Letterman and Leno."
"If you don't have anywhere to be, we could talk. I'm getting pretty good with the whole
talky thing. At least I think I am." She watched as he tensed up. And she was afraid he
was about to run off. That was the way it seemed to be. Buffy comes in from patrol.
Spike leaves. But as she steeled herself against the feelings of sadness that always sprung
up with him leaving, she saw his body visibly relax back into the sofa again. It looked
like he might actually stay to talk. Now she just had to make sure they did the whole
conversation thing without either one yelling. Or without insulting him.
"How'd it go with your friends? They happy to be back?"
"I don't know. I ran from that. But I'm facing it tomorrow. I'm bringing sandwiches
over for lunch. They'll have jet lag, so we can talk while we eat PB&J. They'll probably
have just gotten up."
"Jet lag can take a lot out of you."
"Did you have it? When you went to Africa? Dawn said that's where you were."
"No. Vampire. Don't require much sleep."
"Me neither. I bet I wouldn't get jet lag. Just forget what time it was supposed to be."
"You'd do fine."
"Never gonna get a chance to find out. I'm stuck here. A slave to the hellmouth."
He wondered if she might get a chance to travel if she took the deal with the council.
They might want to see her, to talk to her. But then again, they could just travel over here
to check up on her. Or they could wash their hands of her, except for those weekly
reports. "You never know what might happen."
"Faith's not getting out of jail anytime soon to fulfill her duties, so I'm stuck with it."
"You could take a break."
"Slayers don't get breaks. I'm pretty sure that's in the handbook. Not that I've ever seen
the handbook, but I'd bet that's one of the rules."
"You never followed it before, why now?"
"Yeah. Well vacations cost money. And that isn't in abundance. So no vacations for
me. But you could tell me where you've been. Where'd you go in Africa?"
"Uganda." He hoped that was the end of the Africa questions. He wasn't sure he could
hold out against her asking why he specifically went there. Unlike Dawn, Buffy could
tell when he was lying. And he really didn't want to lie to her. Or fight with her.
"Where else have you been?"
"Pretty much everywhere. France, Spain, I think all of Europe. India, China, Australia,
Brazil. Lots of places."
"Have you ever been to Alaska?"
"I've never been to Alaska. Why?"
"I just remember studying it in my high school Geography class. It looked pretty.
Maybe you could tell me about some of the other places you've been one day."
She hadn't ever asked him about his life before. Even something simple like where he'd
traveled. This was good. Besides Dawn and Joyce, no one had ever wanted to just talk
to him. Talk, without strings attached. If this was the new Buffy, interested in him,
wanting to carry on a conversation, he wasn't sure he could last against her. If whatever
she wanted with him, involved actual talking, he might find some peace out in the ocean.
He might actually want a relationship with her. But only time could tell. And right now,
he still wanted to tread softly so he didn't get hurt.
She didn't know how to take his silence. Was it an agreement? Or was he just being
quiet so that he didn't make her upset. She'd let it rest for now. She was enjoying this.
Just sitting in the same room, making conversation about the mundane aspects of life.
She didn't know if she had ever done this with another man. But it was good. Different,
but good. And goodness was what she was after.
Author: Amanda
Summary: A few weeks after 'Grave.' Spike returns, then Xander, Willow and Giles
comes back. And Buffy has her head on halfway straight.
Rating: PG13, for now
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.
Distribution: Please ask.
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.
*************
The night was silent and dark, except for the full moon that lit the streets. There was
nothing out here, except for those furry Elmo monsters, she hated them. They didn't
seem to be that evil, except for soaking anything that moved. And for that alone, they
needed to be killed. But no vampires were about. She hadn't seen one in the last few
days. Except for the one that was probably in her living room right now, with her sister
sleeping on his shoulder.
She had left for patrol, before Spike and Giles had finished talking. They had to have
been talking, because no noise could be heard through the door of Anya's office. Unless
they had silently killed each other. But Anya trusted them enough to allow them back
into her inner sanctum, so she must not have believed they would kill each other and
mess up her paperwork. Dawn had said she would get Spike to take her home, even
though she felt she was qualified to walk home all by herself.
Buffy knew that eventually she was going to have to make good on her promise to let
Dawn train some and patrol. But she was trying to hold out for as long as she could.
However, now might be a good time to let Dawn come with her. It wasn't like there was
anything on the streets that could grab her. There was nothing on the streets. Zero.
Nada. Zilch. And she hated it, because it gave her more time to think.
It had been awkward with Willow and Xander. In the few minutes before Giles and
Spike had disappeared behind a closed door, she could see Xander mentally trying to dust
him at least a thousand times. But he had kept quiet. Buffy didn't know whom to thank
for that, but she was thankful. She didn't feel like defending Spike to everyone, being all
happy they were home, and pretending like all was okay in the world. Because it wasn't.
Her world sucked at the moment and she really didn't want to pretend otherwise.
The money problem would be solved shortly. Anya was anticipating opening the doors
to the demons of Sunnydale in two weeks. Of course, that is if they hadn't all gone
underground. Clem said he hadn't heard of anything strange. He didn't know why she
didn't encounter any on patrol. The anticipated return that would be her share, equaled
that of her pay from the Doublemeat, which surprised her. But Anya had warned her that
the calculations could be off. She couldn't complain though. For the short amount of
work she would put in and the pay she would be receiving, she was more than satisfied.
But that still wouldn't pay all the bills. Nor would it pay Giles back for his second loan.
But if she could find another job, she would be well on her way to financial
independence.
That was one problem solved. On to Willow and Xander now. Both had been quiet. It
had been awkward, with Anya trying to cover up by overcompensating and talking too
much. She had seen the looks both Xander and Willow had shot her. Both probably
wondering why she was still around and what business it was of hers what happened in
their lives now that she was a vengeance demon. Buffy knew everyone expected Anya to
just disappear. But she hadn't. Anya had stayed behind when everyone else had left.
And she was grateful. Without Anya around the last few weeks, she would have gone
crazy. But why should she have to defend Anya to them. Why couldn't they all get
along? Why couldn't they accept that not everything was black and white. One would
think they could do that, after Willow had tried to end the world and Xander had forgiven
her in less than two seconds.
But Willow seemed to still have some type of grudge against Anya. She always had. It
was as though she had taken Xander away, when the two of them got together. But
wasn't your future spouse supposed to come first? And Xander had never put Anya first.
She and Anya had talked about that. And how Anya had ever right to hate Xander for
that. And Xander was a 'speciest' as Anya called him. And Buffy didn't want to deal
with them. So she had run. Because running was what she did best. Running from her
feelings, from confrontations, from actions that she knew she had to take. She knew
she'd have to deal with them sooner or later and pick a side to stand on. But they were
all adults and she couldn't understand why everyone just couldn't suck it up and work it
out themselves, rather than dragging everyone else into it.
Okay, so Xander hated the fact that Anya had become a vengeance demon again. Well so
did she. But she accepted it. And she could be friends with Anya again. Now Xander
needed to move on and deal with it. He needed to learn that just because he didn't like it,
it didn't make it right. The same with Spike. So he didn't like Spike. Fine. But get over
it, and keep your opinions to yourself. None of them were the moral authority of the
others. And they needed to stop acting like they were.
And Willow couldn't judge if Anya was good enough now. Willow had no room to talk.
They had all screwed up over the past year. And they should all be on equal footing, with
no one above the rest. Except maybe Giles.
She came to the realization that her thoughts sounded like some big speech she should be
giving. And maybe she should. Maybe she should sit them all down and tell them to
listen. Tell them to get over it, act like adults, and move on. But she didn't have that
right. Especially since she was the one running right now, and she was still trying to act
like an adult.
*************
"You still won't tell me what you and Giles talked about?" Dawn had wanted to listen at
the door, maybe take a cup and try to eavesdrop that way. But she knew Anya wouldn't
let her. Even if she had wanted to do the same thing. But she was curious. She wanted
to know what Spike and Giles had talked about and if either one had threatened to kill the
other. Anya and Giles had muttered something about contracts or such, when the two
had emerged from her office. So it seemed that Anya might have a clue. But neither
Xander nor Willow did. Both Xander and Willow had seemed surprised that the two
willingly wanted to talk to each other and they both walked away unharmed. Dawn was
happy about that. Maybe they would get along and actually be nice to each other. But
Xander wanted Giles to dust Spike, while Willow just kept quiet about it all.
"No. You need to get to sleep. It's a school night." And Spike wanted to be left alone to
think. Without cable, he couldn't do much else besides think. He was surprised that
Giles had wanted him to help Buffy, that Giles trusted him enough to help her. And he
didn't know how he would feel with what Buffy chose. If she didn't choose to go ahead
with it, it could be for any number of reasons including having him as part of the deal.
But it could just be that council of wankers, that always seemed to want to put their noses
where they didn't belong. But he knew she needed the money. And he got the
impression that Giles really wanted Buffy to take the offer.
"I can fall asleep down here. You or Buffy can carry me up."
"You want to be treated like an adult?"
"Yes."
"Then act like one. Adults don't fall asleep downstairs waiting for someone to carry
them up to their beds. Your sister has enough on her mind, without coming home to find
you down here."
"What's got you in a bad mood?"
"Nothing. Just letting you know how adults behave, since you seem bent on proclaiming
you are one."
"Is it Buffy? Is she being a bitch again? I mean, I know she can be one. Hello, I live
with her. She'll get out of her mood soon enough. Or not."
"Buffy's fine." And to him she was. Not many people could screw up, 'hi,' 'bye,'
'thanks for staying with Dawn.' And he could see in her eyes that she had bit back
whatever else she wanted to say. She seemed to be steering clear of him, of asking him
for anything after their talk in her training room. And now he wasn't sure that's what he
wanted. Well, he did. But he also wanted her to know that she could count on him for
anything. And not just watching Dawn. But he also didn't want her to think that was an
open invitation to just resume their relationship. And now that he thought about it, what
if she got that impression from him agreeing to work with her. It was complicated. Just
like he had told Dawn, it was a complicated mess. A tangled web, that didn't seem to
work its way free.
"Why don't you ever talk about her?"
"What?"
"Why don't you ever talk about Buffy? Don't you love her anymore?"
"Don't you need to get to bed? Get your beauty sleep?"
"Did something happen while you were gone. You tell me these stories about Uganda.
The plains, the cave paintings, the Nile, and that waterfall place."
"Murchison Falls."
"Right. But you didn't tell me what you were doing there. And why didn't you bring
back pictures?"
"Vacationing. It was dark. You wanted me to break my neck, trying to take pictures in
the dark?"
"Well no. But postcards would have been nice. Most people on vacations at least buy
postcards. I still think you're keeping something from me. Nobody just decides to take
off on a whim and go to Uganda. Especially not a vampire."
"Dawn, bed."
"Fine. But are you going to stay down here until she gets home?"
"Yes, I will stay here until Buffy gets home."
"You still love her, right? I mean, I thought you'd always love her. But why aren't you
acting like it? Is that why Buffy thinks you're different, because you don't love her."
"I love your sister. And I always will. But you need to get to bed."
And he would always love Buffy. It consumed him. He drowned in it, never finding the
shore so he could pull himself to safety. Not that he wanted to. Loving Buffy made him
better. He knew that. It had led him to where he was now. He had a job. He could
afford to rent an apartment. And he had a soul. If he didn't love Buffy, he never would
have gotten to that point in her bathroom. And then, he never would have gotten a soul.
For that alone, the pain, the heartbreak, the humiliation was worth it.
But he really didn't know what to do now. It was so easy with Dawn. They didn't have
anything weighing on their relationship. But with Buffy, nothing had ever been simple.
And he didn't know where he stood. He didn't know if he could be in a relationship with
her. He didn't know if he could trust her. He didn't know if they could work out. And
without a guarantee, he didn't think he wanted to risk it. A bloke can only take so much,
and he'd taken much more than anyone else from Buffy.
The quiet creak of the front door let him know that Buffy was back. And she was early.
Normally it was near two in the morning before she made an appearance. But tonight it
was almost midnight. It must have been slow.
"Dawn upstairs?"
"Went up awhile ago. Slow night?"
"Nothing's out there. Didn't even see my regular friends, the Elmo demons." At his
confused look, she continued on. "I just call them that, because they remind me of Elmo
from 'Sesame Street.' They're red and fuzzy."
"Guess I'll have a quiet walk home then."
"You don't have to leave. I'm not tired. We could talk. Or watch TV."
"Nothing much on, just repeats of Letterman and Leno."
"If you don't have anywhere to be, we could talk. I'm getting pretty good with the whole
talky thing. At least I think I am." She watched as he tensed up. And she was afraid he
was about to run off. That was the way it seemed to be. Buffy comes in from patrol.
Spike leaves. But as she steeled herself against the feelings of sadness that always sprung
up with him leaving, she saw his body visibly relax back into the sofa again. It looked
like he might actually stay to talk. Now she just had to make sure they did the whole
conversation thing without either one yelling. Or without insulting him.
"How'd it go with your friends? They happy to be back?"
"I don't know. I ran from that. But I'm facing it tomorrow. I'm bringing sandwiches
over for lunch. They'll have jet lag, so we can talk while we eat PB&J. They'll probably
have just gotten up."
"Jet lag can take a lot out of you."
"Did you have it? When you went to Africa? Dawn said that's where you were."
"No. Vampire. Don't require much sleep."
"Me neither. I bet I wouldn't get jet lag. Just forget what time it was supposed to be."
"You'd do fine."
"Never gonna get a chance to find out. I'm stuck here. A slave to the hellmouth."
He wondered if she might get a chance to travel if she took the deal with the council.
They might want to see her, to talk to her. But then again, they could just travel over here
to check up on her. Or they could wash their hands of her, except for those weekly
reports. "You never know what might happen."
"Faith's not getting out of jail anytime soon to fulfill her duties, so I'm stuck with it."
"You could take a break."
"Slayers don't get breaks. I'm pretty sure that's in the handbook. Not that I've ever seen
the handbook, but I'd bet that's one of the rules."
"You never followed it before, why now?"
"Yeah. Well vacations cost money. And that isn't in abundance. So no vacations for
me. But you could tell me where you've been. Where'd you go in Africa?"
"Uganda." He hoped that was the end of the Africa questions. He wasn't sure he could
hold out against her asking why he specifically went there. Unlike Dawn, Buffy could
tell when he was lying. And he really didn't want to lie to her. Or fight with her.
"Where else have you been?"
"Pretty much everywhere. France, Spain, I think all of Europe. India, China, Australia,
Brazil. Lots of places."
"Have you ever been to Alaska?"
"I've never been to Alaska. Why?"
"I just remember studying it in my high school Geography class. It looked pretty.
Maybe you could tell me about some of the other places you've been one day."
She hadn't ever asked him about his life before. Even something simple like where he'd
traveled. This was good. Besides Dawn and Joyce, no one had ever wanted to just talk
to him. Talk, without strings attached. If this was the new Buffy, interested in him,
wanting to carry on a conversation, he wasn't sure he could last against her. If whatever
she wanted with him, involved actual talking, he might find some peace out in the ocean.
He might actually want a relationship with her. But only time could tell. And right now,
he still wanted to tread softly so he didn't get hurt.
She didn't know how to take his silence. Was it an agreement? Or was he just being
quiet so that he didn't make her upset. She'd let it rest for now. She was enjoying this.
Just sitting in the same room, making conversation about the mundane aspects of life.
She didn't know if she had ever done this with another man. But it was good. Different,
but good. And goodness was what she was after.