Blurry 11/?
Author: Amanda
Summary: It's summer in Sunnydale. Everyone has made it back from their journeys
overseas. Buffy has agreed to provisions set by the council and will be earning a
paycheck. Spike also gets one, for helping Buffy. Dawn's in summer school. Xander is
Xander still. And Willow is trying to cope with her actions.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished, and given a good home.
Distribution: Please ask. It is up at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.
A/N: Many thanks and praise to Mezz for the beta.
**************
Willow let herself back inside. It was nice to feel the cool air conditioning on her warm
skin. It had been warm outside, maybe a little too warm to just sit out there, but she
needed the quiet. She had needed to get away from Xander's probing eyes, so that she
could think. So that she could make plans. He wanted to baby her. He wanted to tell her
what to say, what to think. It had been nice at first, since she didn't know how to cope
with her actions. But now she had to try and stand on her own two feet. She thought she
was ready. She was ready to move on with life, she just had to figure out how to do that.
She had to figure out how to be Willow. But first she needed to find out who Willow
was. And that was what she had been searching for out on the patio. All that she knew
or believed about herself, now seemed to be missing. She wasn't a witch with magical
powers. She wasn't Tara's lover. She wasn't the one that Buffy came to and confided in.
She wasn't a college senior like she should be. Instead she was junior, who was on
academic probation for flunking all her classes. She probably could have gotten her
professors to give her incompletes for the semester. But that would have entailed
explanations and she had been too busy trying to end the world to let them know why she
wouldn't be turning in final papers and taking exams.
"Going to watch TV with me after all?"
Xander's words brought her out of her musings. He had such a hopeful look on his face.
They'd barely said a word to each other since Buffy had left earlier in the day. Both were
caught in their own thoughts. It was tempting to throw those thoughts away and bask in
the frivolous. But she couldn't do that. She had to prove to everyone that she could make
it. Actually, she needed to prove it to herself. She had to prove to herself that she was
getting better. Magic hadn't solved anything, and running wouldn't solve things either.
"Can we talk instead?"
"Always up for a little Willow talk."
She settled down beside him on the couch, pulling a blanket up to cover her lap. "I
wanted to talk about this afternoon."
"I didn't mean it the way it sounded Will. I would never want anything to happen to you.
You're Willow. My best friend."
"Not about that. Not quite ready to talk about that. About Buffy."
"I shouldn't have left her here alone. I didn't think he'd have shown his face again. But
he did, and I don't know what he did to her but…"
"Xander, you need to stop it. Buffy's a grown woman. And I don't think Spike did
anything to her."
"Willow, you know what he did."
"I know what you say he did. Buffy hasn't told me anything. And neither has Spike."
"But I saw it."
"You weren't there. They were the only ones there. You let Tara and I work things out
on our own, right?"
"Well yeah, but you two were good together."
"Maybe so, but we have to let Buffy and Spike work this out on their own. And if we
interfere, I think we might push her away."
"But she's not thinking straight. We've already had one vampire go crazy and kill people
we care about. There's already been so much. I don't want anymore."
"I don't either. But you didn't see Buffy's eyes today Xander. She feels something for
him. Something I don't quite understand. But there's something there. And I'm going to
support her."
"How can you? After all the things he's done."
"How can I not? Buffy's my friend. She's been so much more supporting of me, than I
would have ever dreamed of. More than I deserved. It's the least I can do."
"Of course we're supportive of you. Why wouldn't we be? You're our best friend."
"I don't deserve it from Buffy. The things I said to her might have been how I was
feeling, but that doesn't make how I told her right. And I could have been a better friend
throughout the year to her."
"You're a great friend."
"No I'm not. And neither are you. We're selfish, only thinking about ourselves. We
never thought once how hard Buffy has had it, trying to assimilate back into the land of
the living. We never thought about how we could help her. So she turned to Spike. And
she felt like she couldn't tell us, because of how we'd react. That's being lousy friends. If
we were her true friends, she would have been able to come to us, about anything. And
we would have noticed that she was having problems." Willow scooted over closer to
Xander and rested her head on his shoulder. "We need to be better friends. We need to
be better people."
*************
Buffy wished she could stay like this forever. Or as close to forever as she could. But
she knew they were almost at the house and this would end. But she would replay it over
and over again. The wind rushing through her hair. Her chest curved against Spike's
back. Her thighs cradling his butt. And her arms wrapped around his body. Gravity
pulled them together. They existed as if they were one. Around corners, down streets
and up hills they moved together. She didn't know where he ended and she began. It
reminded her of her dreams.
Dreams she had had where they moved together. Their bodies were naked, wrapped
around each other. Together they had pounded as one, melting into one another. Two
liquids that at the height of passion were forever combined. Currents raged around them,
but instead of tearing them apart, it brought them closer together.
Too bad life wasn't like that. Instead of forging them together, it had driven them apart.
But right now, she could feel like one with him. Right now, she had her dream come
true. But the dream always ended when she woke up. And it would be ending soon here
too, as soon as he pulled into her driveway.
She had turned down Giles' offer of a ride home. Though she'd taken the council's offer,
she was still mad at him. Mad enough to walk home. Or so she had thought. One block
down the street, Spike had pulled up. No words were exchanged, she had just hiked her
dress up and hopped on the bike. She didn't know how long they had driven but he had
taken a very long scenic route home.
They had rushed by the ocean and she could see the waves crashing upon the shore.
They had raced the wind up to the bluff, where she could over look the city. They had
meandered down streets lined with identical houses, and she had imagined perfect
families inside playing board games or watching TV. It seemed he knew what she
needed. Escape. And he had provided it.
It was eerie the way he knew what she needed. Over the winter, after a hard night of
slaying, he'd given her exactly what she'd needed. Cold hands had rested upon her neck
and then eased their way down her body kneading the tired and sore muscles. But
inevitably they would work themselves back up to just rest upon her neck. His cool
touch had helped ease away the stress and tension that always lurked there.
Now the bike ride that he provided had eased away some of her tension. It had helped
her relax and forget her worries for a little while. He helped her so much and she didn't
do a whole lot for him in return. He was giving up his freedom, to help her. No longer
would he have the choice of staying in for the night, playing kitten poker, or slaying.
He'd given up his choices for her. And she wasn't really sure why he had. Yes, she was
grateful. But she didn't understand it.
She had tried to make amends, but those had been thrown back at her. And he hadn't
wanted to start over. So she couldn't understand why he would sacrifice so much for her.
She didn't know if he still loved her. She wanted him to. She wasn't sure she knew what
to do anymore if he didn't. And she thought she saw it in his eyes. When he had agreed
to help her, when he had pulled up beside her, and when he had walked out on her as she
was trying to make things right. But she couldn't understand why if he loved her, he
didn't want to start over. But then if he didn't love her anymore, why would he be so
willing to help her? There were so many questions she wanted answers to. But she was
afraid to ask those questions, for fear of what the answers were.
"You going to stay like this all night? Keep me here until the sun rises and I turn to
dust?"
His words had replaced the purr of the engine. She realized that they were home. He had
pulled into the driveway and turned the bike off. She wondered how long she had been
curled around him, lost in her thoughts. Slowly, she unwound herself from him, trying to
commit the feeling of his body to her memory. "Sorry, I was thinking."
"Why do you still have your mom's car?"
"Huh?"
"The car. You refuse to drive it, so why do you still have it?"
"Did you wreck yours? Is this why all you ride is the bike? Looking for a new vehicle to
drive around in the daytime?"
"My car is in perfect condition."
"It's a piece of junk."
"When was the last time you rode in it? It's a classic."
"You have trash in there that's probably a hundred years old."
"At least I drive my car."
"Hey now, I can drive."
"Then why don't you?"
"I'm just not good at it. I was thinking about selling it. Now I'm not sure."
"Either sell it, let the nibblet drive it, or drive it yourself."
"Dawn does not get a car."
"Couldn't let her show you up now could you?"
"Fine, I'll drive it myself."
"Just warn me before you get behind the wheel. That way I'll know to make sure I'm nice
and comfy inside and away from you."
"Like I'd run over you. I wouldn't want your vampire guts to destroy the paint."
"Buffy, I'm serious. You need to learn to drive. What if something happens? You can't
always depend on someone else."
"I'll think about it."
"Make sure you do."
"Is this your first official duty as my pseudo watcher?"
"I'm not any kind of watcher. I'll see you later."
"You're going? You can stay a while. That is if you want to."
He wanted to, he really did. But he knew it wasn't a good idea and she didn't seem to see
that. "I can't, you know that."
"No I don't. Why can't you?"
"It's not a good idea, it's wrong."
"What's wrong? Why isn't it a good idea? I thought we had a good time last night sitting
and talking. I did and I thought you did to. And tonight at dinner, I thought you enjoyed
yourself. I know you weren't alone with me, but I thought you enjoyed my company. It's
different now. I'm different. Can't you see that? We can do this."
"Buffy."
"No. Don't try and tell me it's for my own good. I don't want to hear that. I have
feelings for you Spike. And I'm admitting that out loud. Don't you realize that's a huge
step for me? Why can't you come in? Why can't we see where this goes?"
"We have a working relationship now. Do you want to mess that up?"
"We're adults. We can do both. I know we can. And if we work together, we should be
friends. You don't even want to be friends with me, do you?"
"We're friends already. Why can't you leave it at that?"
"Because I want more. Because I want to be happy. And I deserve it. And for some
strange reason, I think I can be happy with you. I need someone that understands me,
someone who will fight with me, someone who won't back down from me, someone who
can handle how strong and independent I am."
"I'm not the one for you. You need someone to walk in the sunlight. Someone you'll
grow old with."
"You're just like Angel. You think you know what's best for me."
"I am nothing like Angel."
"No, then prove it. Take back what you just said. Ask me if I want those things? Ask
me what I want, instead of deciding what you think is best for me. Otherwise, you're just
like him."
"What do you want Buffy?"
"I want to try and have a relationship with you."
"And what about all you'll be missing out on?"
"I'm not normal. Normal relationships don't work for me."
**************
Anya watched as Giles transferred all the clothes she had carefully hung up, into his
suitcase. "You're leaving? Why? You just got here."
"It's time for me to go back. My business here is done."
"But why? I thought you wanted to spend time with me. You said you wanted to get to
know me better. Is it because I'm still a demon? Or did Xander say something?"
"This has nothing to do with you or Xander. I've done all I can for Buffy and it's better if
I go now."
"Why can't you stay? I don't understand."
"I don't have a place in Buffy's life anymore. I saw that tonight. Spike's the one she
looks to for reassurance and guidance. And staying here is just delaying the inevitable.
It'll be easier if I go now."
"But what about me? About us? How can we get to know each other better if you're
back in England?"
"You're still a demon right?"
"So that's why you don't want to be with me. That's why you're leaving, right?"
"No, I just meant that you can teleport over there. I'm not sure where we stand. But like
I told you, I want to find out. And it'll be cheaper and faster, if you come and see me."
"Oh. You're sure it's not me?"
He set down the shirt he was folding and took one of Anya's hands in his. She was
beautiful. And for all her years of being on earth, so young. And insecure. He seriously
wanted to hurt Xander for making her so insecure, so doubtful of herself, of her allure.
"Anya, you are a beautiful woman and any man would be crazy to give you up. I don't
know if I'm the man for you. We talked about this, remember."
"But we're gonna find out, right?"
"Yes we are. And to do that, we'll need to spend time together. Just not here."
He pulled her slowly towards him, until they were merely inches apart. His free hand
traced her face. He committed to memory the texture of her lips, the way they curved
and enticed him. He had wanted to wait, to make sure that there was something really
between them before he kissed her. She was still fragile and he didn't want to break her
heart. But he couldn't wait any longer. His lips lowered towards hers. He wouldn't have
to merely make do with the memory of the way her lips looked. Now he could imbed the
memory of her kiss, and savor it until the next time. And as his lips met hers, he knew
there would be a next time.
**************
"So let me get this straight. You want to draw up a contract, detailing the specifics of
each relationship we have. Friends, co-workers, and lovers?" Spike thought she had lost
her mind. She had stood in front of him, telling him all the supposed benefits of having a
contract, how she thought it could work out. He thought she really was daft. She was
like talking to a brick wall. For so long he had tried to convince her that he had changed,
that he was different. She hadn't budged then. And now, she seemed to have her mind
made up that he had changed. He was a vampire. He was evil. He might have a soul,
not that she knew about it though, but that didn't mean he wasn't still evil. And she
should be running in the opposite direction.
"What's wrong with that? That way we can't mess our working relationship up." It had
seemed like a good idea at the time. If they had a contract, they had rules. And rules
were good. Rules were real good, because then you had to obey them and no one could
get hurt. Well unless you broke the rules, but she had no intention of doing that. She had
no intention of hurting him again.
"You really are stupid."
"Hey now! You're the one that proclaims he loves me, but wants to stay away from me.
That's pretty stupid in my book."
"Why won't you get it? We're not good for each other." I'm not good for you. You're
not good for me. We're toxic together. He wanted to tell her that, but he didn't want to
see her cry, and he was afraid those words would.
She already seemed to be hovering on the edge of tears. Trying to explain that she wasn't
normal and didn't want a normal relationship. Trying so hard to convince him to give her
a chance. It was hard holding out against her. It might be the hardest thing he had ever
done. But he didn't want to hurt her. Never again. And he was afraid that he would,
even if it was unknowingly. And she would hurt him too, however much she tried not to.
He couldn't go through that again and she didn't need to.
"But we can be. Look at us now; we're having a conversation. Not a very productive
one, but a conversation. When was the last time that happened? I've changed. You've
changed. I can see it. I can admit it now. You have changed Spike. You've proven it to
me so many times. Now let me prove to you that I've changed. Give me a chance."
"Why should I give you a chance? Why should I let myself be kicked in the head again,
let myself be told I'm dirt?" As soon as he said the words, he regretted them. Even
though it was the truth. But the truth hurt her and he didn't want to do that. "I'm sorry, I
shouldn't have said that."
"No, you're right. I did those things; I have to live with that. But I want to make amends.
I want to try and make things right."
"Why should we try this? Give me one good reason why we should set this tentative
friendship we have now up to be torn apart." He knew he was giving in to her. He could
feel it. He had never been able to hold out against her. He loved her, he would do
anything for her. Anything. And if that included cutting his own heart out, he would do
it.
"Because you love me. And somewhere deep inside of you, there's a part of you that
wants to be with me, that wants it to work. And I want to try. I want to give whatever is
inside mea chance into trying to make this work. I know it won't be easy. I know that at
times we'll drive each other crazy. But nothing that's good in life is ever easy." He
looked at her like she had sprouted two heads or something. Obviously he didn't buy that
she had come up with it on her own. "Okay, I read that on some internet site, when I was
searching for relationship advice. See, I'm trying to find out what makes a good
relationship. That's a start isn't it?"
"One chance. One screw up and forget it. We work together, nothing else."
"So, we can go out on a date or something?"
"You can help me look at apartments."
"I thought we could have dinner. Or maybe go dancing or something else."
"We do it my way or not at all. We're not ready for a date. We have to be friends first.
Your choice. Do you want to go apartment hunting or not?"
"Fine. Apartment hunting it is."
"Meet me at my crypt tomorrow morning."
Author: Amanda
Summary: It's summer in Sunnydale. Everyone has made it back from their journeys
overseas. Buffy has agreed to provisions set by the council and will be earning a
paycheck. Spike also gets one, for helping Buffy. Dawn's in summer school. Xander is
Xander still. And Willow is trying to cope with her actions.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished, and given a good home.
Distribution: Please ask. It is up at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.
A/N: Many thanks and praise to Mezz for the beta.
**************
Willow let herself back inside. It was nice to feel the cool air conditioning on her warm
skin. It had been warm outside, maybe a little too warm to just sit out there, but she
needed the quiet. She had needed to get away from Xander's probing eyes, so that she
could think. So that she could make plans. He wanted to baby her. He wanted to tell her
what to say, what to think. It had been nice at first, since she didn't know how to cope
with her actions. But now she had to try and stand on her own two feet. She thought she
was ready. She was ready to move on with life, she just had to figure out how to do that.
She had to figure out how to be Willow. But first she needed to find out who Willow
was. And that was what she had been searching for out on the patio. All that she knew
or believed about herself, now seemed to be missing. She wasn't a witch with magical
powers. She wasn't Tara's lover. She wasn't the one that Buffy came to and confided in.
She wasn't a college senior like she should be. Instead she was junior, who was on
academic probation for flunking all her classes. She probably could have gotten her
professors to give her incompletes for the semester. But that would have entailed
explanations and she had been too busy trying to end the world to let them know why she
wouldn't be turning in final papers and taking exams.
"Going to watch TV with me after all?"
Xander's words brought her out of her musings. He had such a hopeful look on his face.
They'd barely said a word to each other since Buffy had left earlier in the day. Both were
caught in their own thoughts. It was tempting to throw those thoughts away and bask in
the frivolous. But she couldn't do that. She had to prove to everyone that she could make
it. Actually, she needed to prove it to herself. She had to prove to herself that she was
getting better. Magic hadn't solved anything, and running wouldn't solve things either.
"Can we talk instead?"
"Always up for a little Willow talk."
She settled down beside him on the couch, pulling a blanket up to cover her lap. "I
wanted to talk about this afternoon."
"I didn't mean it the way it sounded Will. I would never want anything to happen to you.
You're Willow. My best friend."
"Not about that. Not quite ready to talk about that. About Buffy."
"I shouldn't have left her here alone. I didn't think he'd have shown his face again. But
he did, and I don't know what he did to her but…"
"Xander, you need to stop it. Buffy's a grown woman. And I don't think Spike did
anything to her."
"Willow, you know what he did."
"I know what you say he did. Buffy hasn't told me anything. And neither has Spike."
"But I saw it."
"You weren't there. They were the only ones there. You let Tara and I work things out
on our own, right?"
"Well yeah, but you two were good together."
"Maybe so, but we have to let Buffy and Spike work this out on their own. And if we
interfere, I think we might push her away."
"But she's not thinking straight. We've already had one vampire go crazy and kill people
we care about. There's already been so much. I don't want anymore."
"I don't either. But you didn't see Buffy's eyes today Xander. She feels something for
him. Something I don't quite understand. But there's something there. And I'm going to
support her."
"How can you? After all the things he's done."
"How can I not? Buffy's my friend. She's been so much more supporting of me, than I
would have ever dreamed of. More than I deserved. It's the least I can do."
"Of course we're supportive of you. Why wouldn't we be? You're our best friend."
"I don't deserve it from Buffy. The things I said to her might have been how I was
feeling, but that doesn't make how I told her right. And I could have been a better friend
throughout the year to her."
"You're a great friend."
"No I'm not. And neither are you. We're selfish, only thinking about ourselves. We
never thought once how hard Buffy has had it, trying to assimilate back into the land of
the living. We never thought about how we could help her. So she turned to Spike. And
she felt like she couldn't tell us, because of how we'd react. That's being lousy friends. If
we were her true friends, she would have been able to come to us, about anything. And
we would have noticed that she was having problems." Willow scooted over closer to
Xander and rested her head on his shoulder. "We need to be better friends. We need to
be better people."
*************
Buffy wished she could stay like this forever. Or as close to forever as she could. But
she knew they were almost at the house and this would end. But she would replay it over
and over again. The wind rushing through her hair. Her chest curved against Spike's
back. Her thighs cradling his butt. And her arms wrapped around his body. Gravity
pulled them together. They existed as if they were one. Around corners, down streets
and up hills they moved together. She didn't know where he ended and she began. It
reminded her of her dreams.
Dreams she had had where they moved together. Their bodies were naked, wrapped
around each other. Together they had pounded as one, melting into one another. Two
liquids that at the height of passion were forever combined. Currents raged around them,
but instead of tearing them apart, it brought them closer together.
Too bad life wasn't like that. Instead of forging them together, it had driven them apart.
But right now, she could feel like one with him. Right now, she had her dream come
true. But the dream always ended when she woke up. And it would be ending soon here
too, as soon as he pulled into her driveway.
She had turned down Giles' offer of a ride home. Though she'd taken the council's offer,
she was still mad at him. Mad enough to walk home. Or so she had thought. One block
down the street, Spike had pulled up. No words were exchanged, she had just hiked her
dress up and hopped on the bike. She didn't know how long they had driven but he had
taken a very long scenic route home.
They had rushed by the ocean and she could see the waves crashing upon the shore.
They had raced the wind up to the bluff, where she could over look the city. They had
meandered down streets lined with identical houses, and she had imagined perfect
families inside playing board games or watching TV. It seemed he knew what she
needed. Escape. And he had provided it.
It was eerie the way he knew what she needed. Over the winter, after a hard night of
slaying, he'd given her exactly what she'd needed. Cold hands had rested upon her neck
and then eased their way down her body kneading the tired and sore muscles. But
inevitably they would work themselves back up to just rest upon her neck. His cool
touch had helped ease away the stress and tension that always lurked there.
Now the bike ride that he provided had eased away some of her tension. It had helped
her relax and forget her worries for a little while. He helped her so much and she didn't
do a whole lot for him in return. He was giving up his freedom, to help her. No longer
would he have the choice of staying in for the night, playing kitten poker, or slaying.
He'd given up his choices for her. And she wasn't really sure why he had. Yes, she was
grateful. But she didn't understand it.
She had tried to make amends, but those had been thrown back at her. And he hadn't
wanted to start over. So she couldn't understand why he would sacrifice so much for her.
She didn't know if he still loved her. She wanted him to. She wasn't sure she knew what
to do anymore if he didn't. And she thought she saw it in his eyes. When he had agreed
to help her, when he had pulled up beside her, and when he had walked out on her as she
was trying to make things right. But she couldn't understand why if he loved her, he
didn't want to start over. But then if he didn't love her anymore, why would he be so
willing to help her? There were so many questions she wanted answers to. But she was
afraid to ask those questions, for fear of what the answers were.
"You going to stay like this all night? Keep me here until the sun rises and I turn to
dust?"
His words had replaced the purr of the engine. She realized that they were home. He had
pulled into the driveway and turned the bike off. She wondered how long she had been
curled around him, lost in her thoughts. Slowly, she unwound herself from him, trying to
commit the feeling of his body to her memory. "Sorry, I was thinking."
"Why do you still have your mom's car?"
"Huh?"
"The car. You refuse to drive it, so why do you still have it?"
"Did you wreck yours? Is this why all you ride is the bike? Looking for a new vehicle to
drive around in the daytime?"
"My car is in perfect condition."
"It's a piece of junk."
"When was the last time you rode in it? It's a classic."
"You have trash in there that's probably a hundred years old."
"At least I drive my car."
"Hey now, I can drive."
"Then why don't you?"
"I'm just not good at it. I was thinking about selling it. Now I'm not sure."
"Either sell it, let the nibblet drive it, or drive it yourself."
"Dawn does not get a car."
"Couldn't let her show you up now could you?"
"Fine, I'll drive it myself."
"Just warn me before you get behind the wheel. That way I'll know to make sure I'm nice
and comfy inside and away from you."
"Like I'd run over you. I wouldn't want your vampire guts to destroy the paint."
"Buffy, I'm serious. You need to learn to drive. What if something happens? You can't
always depend on someone else."
"I'll think about it."
"Make sure you do."
"Is this your first official duty as my pseudo watcher?"
"I'm not any kind of watcher. I'll see you later."
"You're going? You can stay a while. That is if you want to."
He wanted to, he really did. But he knew it wasn't a good idea and she didn't seem to see
that. "I can't, you know that."
"No I don't. Why can't you?"
"It's not a good idea, it's wrong."
"What's wrong? Why isn't it a good idea? I thought we had a good time last night sitting
and talking. I did and I thought you did to. And tonight at dinner, I thought you enjoyed
yourself. I know you weren't alone with me, but I thought you enjoyed my company. It's
different now. I'm different. Can't you see that? We can do this."
"Buffy."
"No. Don't try and tell me it's for my own good. I don't want to hear that. I have
feelings for you Spike. And I'm admitting that out loud. Don't you realize that's a huge
step for me? Why can't you come in? Why can't we see where this goes?"
"We have a working relationship now. Do you want to mess that up?"
"We're adults. We can do both. I know we can. And if we work together, we should be
friends. You don't even want to be friends with me, do you?"
"We're friends already. Why can't you leave it at that?"
"Because I want more. Because I want to be happy. And I deserve it. And for some
strange reason, I think I can be happy with you. I need someone that understands me,
someone who will fight with me, someone who won't back down from me, someone who
can handle how strong and independent I am."
"I'm not the one for you. You need someone to walk in the sunlight. Someone you'll
grow old with."
"You're just like Angel. You think you know what's best for me."
"I am nothing like Angel."
"No, then prove it. Take back what you just said. Ask me if I want those things? Ask
me what I want, instead of deciding what you think is best for me. Otherwise, you're just
like him."
"What do you want Buffy?"
"I want to try and have a relationship with you."
"And what about all you'll be missing out on?"
"I'm not normal. Normal relationships don't work for me."
**************
Anya watched as Giles transferred all the clothes she had carefully hung up, into his
suitcase. "You're leaving? Why? You just got here."
"It's time for me to go back. My business here is done."
"But why? I thought you wanted to spend time with me. You said you wanted to get to
know me better. Is it because I'm still a demon? Or did Xander say something?"
"This has nothing to do with you or Xander. I've done all I can for Buffy and it's better if
I go now."
"Why can't you stay? I don't understand."
"I don't have a place in Buffy's life anymore. I saw that tonight. Spike's the one she
looks to for reassurance and guidance. And staying here is just delaying the inevitable.
It'll be easier if I go now."
"But what about me? About us? How can we get to know each other better if you're
back in England?"
"You're still a demon right?"
"So that's why you don't want to be with me. That's why you're leaving, right?"
"No, I just meant that you can teleport over there. I'm not sure where we stand. But like
I told you, I want to find out. And it'll be cheaper and faster, if you come and see me."
"Oh. You're sure it's not me?"
He set down the shirt he was folding and took one of Anya's hands in his. She was
beautiful. And for all her years of being on earth, so young. And insecure. He seriously
wanted to hurt Xander for making her so insecure, so doubtful of herself, of her allure.
"Anya, you are a beautiful woman and any man would be crazy to give you up. I don't
know if I'm the man for you. We talked about this, remember."
"But we're gonna find out, right?"
"Yes we are. And to do that, we'll need to spend time together. Just not here."
He pulled her slowly towards him, until they were merely inches apart. His free hand
traced her face. He committed to memory the texture of her lips, the way they curved
and enticed him. He had wanted to wait, to make sure that there was something really
between them before he kissed her. She was still fragile and he didn't want to break her
heart. But he couldn't wait any longer. His lips lowered towards hers. He wouldn't have
to merely make do with the memory of the way her lips looked. Now he could imbed the
memory of her kiss, and savor it until the next time. And as his lips met hers, he knew
there would be a next time.
**************
"So let me get this straight. You want to draw up a contract, detailing the specifics of
each relationship we have. Friends, co-workers, and lovers?" Spike thought she had lost
her mind. She had stood in front of him, telling him all the supposed benefits of having a
contract, how she thought it could work out. He thought she really was daft. She was
like talking to a brick wall. For so long he had tried to convince her that he had changed,
that he was different. She hadn't budged then. And now, she seemed to have her mind
made up that he had changed. He was a vampire. He was evil. He might have a soul,
not that she knew about it though, but that didn't mean he wasn't still evil. And she
should be running in the opposite direction.
"What's wrong with that? That way we can't mess our working relationship up." It had
seemed like a good idea at the time. If they had a contract, they had rules. And rules
were good. Rules were real good, because then you had to obey them and no one could
get hurt. Well unless you broke the rules, but she had no intention of doing that. She had
no intention of hurting him again.
"You really are stupid."
"Hey now! You're the one that proclaims he loves me, but wants to stay away from me.
That's pretty stupid in my book."
"Why won't you get it? We're not good for each other." I'm not good for you. You're
not good for me. We're toxic together. He wanted to tell her that, but he didn't want to
see her cry, and he was afraid those words would.
She already seemed to be hovering on the edge of tears. Trying to explain that she wasn't
normal and didn't want a normal relationship. Trying so hard to convince him to give her
a chance. It was hard holding out against her. It might be the hardest thing he had ever
done. But he didn't want to hurt her. Never again. And he was afraid that he would,
even if it was unknowingly. And she would hurt him too, however much she tried not to.
He couldn't go through that again and she didn't need to.
"But we can be. Look at us now; we're having a conversation. Not a very productive
one, but a conversation. When was the last time that happened? I've changed. You've
changed. I can see it. I can admit it now. You have changed Spike. You've proven it to
me so many times. Now let me prove to you that I've changed. Give me a chance."
"Why should I give you a chance? Why should I let myself be kicked in the head again,
let myself be told I'm dirt?" As soon as he said the words, he regretted them. Even
though it was the truth. But the truth hurt her and he didn't want to do that. "I'm sorry, I
shouldn't have said that."
"No, you're right. I did those things; I have to live with that. But I want to make amends.
I want to try and make things right."
"Why should we try this? Give me one good reason why we should set this tentative
friendship we have now up to be torn apart." He knew he was giving in to her. He could
feel it. He had never been able to hold out against her. He loved her, he would do
anything for her. Anything. And if that included cutting his own heart out, he would do
it.
"Because you love me. And somewhere deep inside of you, there's a part of you that
wants to be with me, that wants it to work. And I want to try. I want to give whatever is
inside mea chance into trying to make this work. I know it won't be easy. I know that at
times we'll drive each other crazy. But nothing that's good in life is ever easy." He
looked at her like she had sprouted two heads or something. Obviously he didn't buy that
she had come up with it on her own. "Okay, I read that on some internet site, when I was
searching for relationship advice. See, I'm trying to find out what makes a good
relationship. That's a start isn't it?"
"One chance. One screw up and forget it. We work together, nothing else."
"So, we can go out on a date or something?"
"You can help me look at apartments."
"I thought we could have dinner. Or maybe go dancing or something else."
"We do it my way or not at all. We're not ready for a date. We have to be friends first.
Your choice. Do you want to go apartment hunting or not?"
"Fine. Apartment hunting it is."
"Meet me at my crypt tomorrow morning."