Blurry 12/?
Author: Amanda
Rating: PG13 or so, for now
Disclaimers: Not mine.
Distribution: Please ask. Previous chapters are at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.
Summary: After season 6. Everyone's back in Sunnydale – Willow without powers,
Spike with a soul. Buffy is slaying for money and Spike is her pseudo-watcher. Anya's
still a demon. And Xander is exactly how I see Xander. Spike has decided to find a new
residence. And he and Buffy are trying to be friends.
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for the great beta.
**************
"Do you really need two bedrooms? You could save some money if you just got one.
And why do you want the top floor? With huge windows?"
Spike mentally reminded himself to never ask Buffy to go apartment hunting again. Not
that he needed to any time soon, but in the future, he wanted to make sure he remembered
to not bring her along. And that might go for any type of shopping too. She questioned
everything and was way too bright and perky to the salespeople. She had reminded him
of the bot. He'd tried to ask her what her deal was, and all she'd muttered was that
someone had to be nice and friendly instead of all moody and broody, and what was his
problem anyway.
His problem was that he hadn't slept. And she had been way too close to him. And
everywhere they'd gone, the bank, and numerous apartment buildings, everyone had
thought they were together. The lady at the bank had said, 'they were a beautiful couple.'
He had expected Buffy to tell the woman they weren't a couple, they weren't even friends.
But she had surprised him, mystified him. She just got a shocked look on her face, then a
small smile appeared and she had said 'thank you.' And he had been mute. Silent. And
when he hadn't spoken up, the smile had gotten a little bigger.
He knew then that she'd gotten the wrong impression. He should have spoken up. He
should have said something. But he hadn't, he had liked seeing her happy. So all
throughout the morning and afternoon, she was nice and cheerful. And bloody annoying.
Nice was good. Even friendly would be okay. But cheerful? When was Buffy ever
cheerful and smiling at everything? He never thought he would be praying that she'd
punch him in the nose or call him nasty names. But he was now. Buffy being bright and
cheery was very scary.
He had concentrated on finding apartments where the entrance was inside the building.
They were a little pricier, but he thought it was worth it so that he wouldn't have to worry
about the sun. He had managed to get a place at the new complex that had just been built
downtown. Only a few blocks from the shop. And right beside a sewer entrance.
"Are you paying attention?"
"Two bedrooms, so that one can be an office. And I liked the view."
"You're a vampire."
"Doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good view. Learned that from Darla. She always
wanted a view of the city. Bet it's pretty at night. And I was a little sick of the below the
ground accommodations I've had for a while."
"Guess we got to go in, huh?" She didn't want to go in. She really wanted to stay and sit
in the car. But Anya had called early this morning and told her that everyone was needed
at the Magic Shoppe around four. And she had specifically included Spike in that
everyone.
So now they sat in the alley behind the shop, in the Desoto, neither one moving towards
the doors. Of course she knew she would have to go first, so that she could hold the door
open for Spike, so he could come flying through. But he didn't make any move to get out
of the car.
She thought that they'd had a good day. She knew he was annoyed with her and her
cheerful attitude. But she couldn't help it, she was happy. It was a nice normal day with
just the two of them. No fights, no nasty exchanges. Just two people searching for an
apartment. Two people that many assumed were searching for an apartment together.
And he hadn't contradicted anyone. Deep down she knew that this didn't mean anything
and that he wouldn't define them as a couple at all, but there was still a part of her that
was happy about it. It was a start. A small start in gaining some stable ground between
them.
"I got this for you."
She wasn't sure what she expected, but she knew it wasn't a schedule of classes for
Sunnydale Community College. "Is there a reason?"
"They have another summer session starting in two weeks. If you're lucky, there'll still
be some spots open."
"And what would I take?" With this newfound wealth from the Council, she had thought
her working and college days were over. She had visions of seeing Dawn off to school,
then going back for some sleep. And training and slaying later on in the day. Of course
she couldn't forget her two nights a month working for Anya. She had envisioned an
easy life. Easy if you didn't factor in all the housework she would still have to do.
"You dropped out last spring, right? In the middle of the term? Pick up one of those
classes."
"Why?"
"Why not? You need an education."
"Slayers don't need a college education."
"You need to set a good example for Dawn. And you can't slay all the time."
"I wouldn't even know what to take. Or how to study."
"What class did you like the most that you had to drop out of?"
"Poetry."
"Poetry?" Was she making fun of him? No, she looked entirely serious like she had
really enjoyed a poetry class. Was this a cosmic joke on him? He tries so hard to leave
his past behind him and he falls in love with a woman who likes poetry. Was the way to
her heart poetry the whole time?
"Yeah. I think it was 19th century poetry. I liked it a lot."
"Maybe they offer that. But I'm not helping you study."
"I don't believe I asked you to."
**************
"Why is he here? Actually, why are any of us here? It's not like Buffy needs or wants
our help when she has super vamp around." Being in the shop reminded Xander of too
many things. It reminded him of what he and Anya once had. It reminded him of
Willow bent on destroying the world. He was past all that, he had thought. But seeing
Spike and Buffy all happy looking reminded him of the evil that was still around. Evil in
magic, in deeds, in vampires and demons.
"Xander. Don't say things you'll regret." Willow had thought that maybe she had gotten
through to him. That maybe he had listened. But if he had, any knowledge gained had
vanished over night. He was still full of hate. Hate for Spike. She didn't know if it was
because of what happened with Buffy or with Anya. Or maybe a combination of both.
But he couldn't forgive their deeds. It didn't seem fair. He could wash her bad actions
away with nary a thought, but no one else's.
"Oh I have no regrets. None at all. I went away and came back to a place where I'm not
needed or wanted. By anyone. If anyone ever really needs me, you know where to find
me."
"Everyone's here because I asked them to be. I have an announcement." Making sure all
eyes were on her, Anya continued on. "Early this morning or late last night, however you
want to look at it, Giles left. He went back to England. And he gave me letters to give to
everyone."
"Obviously he doesn't feel needed either. Maybe I should leave too." Xander thought he
had only thought that; he hadn't realized he had spoken aloud until he heard Willow's
voice.
"Xander, quit saying that. I need you. What would I do without you?"
Buffy knew Giles was leaving. And she had known it would be soon. But this soon?
She had never imagined he would really leave this quickly. And he hadn't even said
anything last night. "He left? He just left again? But he just got here."
The loud upraised voices were making Anya's head hurt. And you really don't want to
see a vengeance demon with a headache. It isn't a pretty sight.
Xander and Willow were squabbling, while Buffy and Dawn were lost in their own
thoughts. And Spike, he was just sitting there. Anya raised her arm, hand fisted and
quickly thrust it downward, opening her fist. Sparks flew from her fingers and a loud
roar of thunder was heard, as she softly uttered "xianti."
That sure gained their attention. They were all staring at her with their mouths agape.
Good going Anyanka, you still got it. "Now that I have your attention…."
"What was that?" Dawn asked, cutting Anya off. "Can I learn how to do that?"
"Dawn, you don't need to do big tricks to gain people's attention. And you don't need to
learn magic, it's evil."
"Xander, not all magic is evil." Obviously they hadn't made progress Willow thought.
Or maybe they had, but he was against Anya. He obviously had a lot of hate for Anya
stored up too.
"I already know how to summon Anya. She taught me that. It's so cool. Watch."
Anya rushed in to intercept Dawn. Summoning a vengeance demon when you had no
plans to make a wish could be dangerous. And of course, sometimes things could go
wacky when you tried to summon someone that was only a few feet away. She'd seen
one time when a demon was split in half. And she really didn't want that. It was a pain
to sew yourself back together. "Dawn, no. Remember what I said, you only summon in
emergencies. We don't want to make D'hoffryn mad."
"You let her learn magic? You wouldn't even let her research and now she has Anya
teaching her spells?" Xander couldn't believe the changes that had happened in the short
weeks he was gone. Buffy and Spike were chummy. Anya was Buffy's new best friend.
And Buffy was letting Dawn perform major spells. He didn't care what Willow thought,
something was wrong. He was sure of it. And it had to be Spike. Spike must have her in
some sort of thrall, commanding her. No wonder she threatened to end our friendship.
"It's one small thing. It's just a thing. It's not a spell. And it is only to be used in dire
situations." To Buffy, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. One never knew what
kind of situations Dawn could get into. And Dawn had been so excited that she could
summon Anya. It had kept her happy for a few days, which had been worth it.
"I think it's good." Willow felt the need to speak up. It actually was a good plan and she
was a little upset she hadn't ever thought of anything like it before. She could have
taught Dawn a simple alarm spell, where Buffy would be alerted if something were
wrong.
"You do?" Buffy had thought Willow would be against it. Against any type of magic,
especially when it was performed around her.
"Yes. What if Dawn's on her own and something happens. If she needs help, then Anya
can be there in a few seconds. She can either help her or go get help. It sounds like a
great plan."
"She still needs some training." Spike had taken everything in. Xander's hate that
radiated off of him. He knew if he met up with Xander in an alley, he'd have to fight for
his life. But Willow's small smiles towards him, let him know that she didn't share his
feelings. And Willow was right; it was a good idea. Evil things could still come out
during the day. But Dawn would still need to know how to defend herself. If he was
helping Buffy train, it wouldn't take much more effort to teach Dawn some tricks.
"Hey now, I helped Buffy with those earth monsters. And speaking of training, when do
I get to go slaying?"
"You can always use training. Even Buffy needs to train."
"Do you want your letters or not?" Anya was tired. And cranky. And she needed to go
shopping. She and Giles had a date Sunday. She was going to teleport over there for a
nice Sunday picnic and she wanted to make sure she looked her best. And that called for
a new outfit. And according to the law of the world, it always took forever to find the
right outfit, when you had a short time to look.
She saved Spike's letter till last. Everyone else was moving around the shop, trying to
find a quiet alcove to read in. And that was what she had wanted. "Before I give you
this, I have something I want to say. I don't like secrets. We saw what they did. It's
better when everything is out in the open. I think you need to tell them."
"Tell them what?"
"About your soul," she whispered. She hated this secret business, she really did. And
she had no clue why he would want to keep it a secret. Shouting it from the rooftops is
what she imagined he would do. But he hadn't. "Tell Buffy."
"In my own time I will."
"I don't like this Spike. I'll keep quiet for a while longer. But not too long. Tell her, or I
will. And I think she'd like it a lot more if it came from you."
A part of him wanted to tell her. He did. But he also didn't want her feelings to change
just because she knew about it. There was something building between them. It was a
friendship. Friendship that in time could possibly become something more, but he didn't
know if it could or not. He'd give it a chance though. And he didn't want to be treated
differently by her, in the process of finding out. If she knew he had a soul, everything
would change. And he needed to make sure of her actions and feelings without her
knowledge of the soul.
**************
'Willow,
'You've lost something very important: your way in life. You need to find it again. And
once you do, you'll be fine. Just remember that you have friends who care about you.
Who love you. Lean on them. Make Tara proud.'
She couldn't go on after that. Tara. A minute didn't go by that she didn't think about her.
And every time, she wanted to curl up and die. She didn't know who she was without
Tara. Without magic. And now both were gone. Like Giles said, she was lost in life.
She had relied on Giles a lot. Xander too. Now Giles was gone and she didn't recognize
Xander. She wanted to be a better person, a better friend. But Xander seemed stuck in
his own world, where he was the only one that mattered. She couldn't do that. Dwelling
on herself too much brought about tears and hatred. She had to try and move forward, be
a friend and supporter to those around her. And maybe in return, she could get that back.
Friendship and support. She desperately needed it.
**************
Spike couldn't believe he'd gotten a letter. He actually warranted a goodbye of sorts. But
it could also be a curse on him. Probably threats of stakes, holy water, and sunlight. He
couldn't blame Giles though. If he were in Giles' position, he would never have entrusted
Buffy to himself. Never. He knew what he was capable of and sometimes it scared him.
But he'd been given a chance. A chance at something better. And neither knew about the
soul. They actually believed that he could be better, do good without a soul. It reminded
him of a time when Giles had expressed that maybe he had a greater purpose in life. He
hadn't wanted that then. He had only been consumed with getting the chip out, becoming
a monster again. Now he would embrace that. Now he could try and achieve a higher
purpose; he could be useful.
With trepidation, his finger slid beneath the flap of the envelope. As much as he hoped
for words of wisdom and of teary goodbyes, he knew he wouldn't find it. Threats and
curses were more likely. But he deserved it. If magic rained from the opening of the
envelope, to curse him until he was dust, he would accept it. He didn't deserve anything
more. He only hoped for more.
'Spike,
'You should receive a packet tomorrow by way of Anya. In it will be a credit card for job
expenses. There should be numerous pages of what is allowed. Make sure you pay strict
attention to it. If it says a certain type of athletic shoes are what is allowed for Buffy,
then that is what they will pay for, nothing else. The trick is to buy that, then a few days
later exchange it for whatever Buffy really wants, and pay the difference. You can
charge her workout clothes and weapons on there as well. Also, buy the computer you
will need. The specifications are listed and the software is in the packet. Any problems
you have with it, ask Willow, but she is not to touch it. She can only answer your
questions. The only two people that are allowed to have access are you and Buffy.
'Instructions on how to gain access to the Council's online library are included. It is
monitored, so make sure you use discretion in what you search for.
'I'm entrusting in your care something much greater than council secrets. I'm entrusting
you with Buffy. And Dawn, too. I never would have before, at least not without a hint of
trepidation. But that fear is gone. I saw something last night between the two of you.
Both of you obviously care a great deal about the other. And I don't think Buffy would
want you gone. I think she would mourn you, as much as you mourned her.
'I never thought I would see what I saw in her eyes last night. She used to look at the
world with a vibrant outlook, a look of love for everything in it. Wanting to protect and
fight for good. But along the way that was lost. However, a glimmer was back last night.
And I do think it was you that put it there. She trusts you. Why, I don't know, nor will I
ever begin to. But she does. And don't break it, because you might not ever get it back if
you do.
'Take care of her. She's the daughter I'll never have. She's my family. And if anything
happens to her, and you could have prevented it, I will come after you. And I'm talking
anything you could have averted. You could not have prevented what happened with
Glory. You gave it your best. That's all I'm asking for. Do your best to take care of her.
And Dawn. Willow too. I know you don't care much for Xander, but at times he can be
useful. And Anya does have a lot of knowledge.
'For some unknown reason I'm entrusting them all into your hands. Don't let me down. I
know you probably expected harsher words from me, and I had intended to write them.
But I truly believe that you might have a greater good in life. I think it just took you a
long time to find it. Don't let me down. Don't let Buffy down.
'Giles'
**************
Dawn read the second paragraph again. 'You're growing up and you want to be an adult.
But there's still so much to learn. Don't be too quick to be an adult. Being an adult
carries a lot of responsibility. Responsibilities that Buffy was not ready for. But she's
slowly learning. And when the time is right, you'll learn too. Savor being young for
once. It's what everyone wants for you. They want you to have the normal life they were
denied.'
She thought she finally knew what Giles was talking about. The weeks spent alone with
Buffy had been good. She had realized all that Buffy did do: the laundry, the grocery
shopping, paying bills, keeping the house clean. With mom, it had always seemed to get
done by itself, like there was a fairy that did everything. But there weren't any fairies. It
was just a very competent mother that had had years to perfect combining working,
taking care of a house, and two daughters. And Buffy was learning.
She was trying. Dawn could see that now. She could also see how she hadn't been a help
and neither had Willow. Tara had kept it all together and when she had moved out, it fell
apart. Tara knew how to do it all. It probably came from taking care of her own family.
But Buffy would continue to get better with time.
*************
She stared at the envelope, unsure if she wanted to open it. Reading it would make it
seem so much more real. Make it permanent. She had known he wasn't going to stay.
But it hadn't occurred to her that he would leave this quickly. Had he made it known to
anyone else? She didn't think so. Everyone seemed a little puzzled at his abrupt
departure. Stealing herself against whatever he wrote, she slid her finger under the edge
of the envelope.
'Buffy,
'I know it feels like I'm suddenly leaving you again. And I am. It feels that way for me
too. But I don't know any other way. Last night I saw that I'd been replaced. My time
was up. I was no longer your watcher. Or even a trusted friend. I don't know what I am
anymore.
'I'd like to think of myself as your surrogate father. But you don't need another one that
merely runs off and leaves you without a word. I'd like to think that I'm not doing that. I
am merely handing you over to someone else. Someone that you trust and rely on.
Someone that can provide you with guidance and that I think you'll actually listen to once
and a while. And yes, I am talking about Spike.
'Something does seem different about him. He seems more grounded, stable. But
underneath, I think he is still the same but with a purpose in life. And you give that to
him.
'I don't know all the details about what happened between you. Nor do I want to. You've
grown up. And when you grow up, you must make decisions on your own and live with
the consequences, whether they are good or bad. And this is one of those times. I really
hope you only have good consequences out of your actions with Spike.
'I want you to be happy Buffy. To find someone that makes you happy. Do I think it's a
vampire? No. But I'm not the one making the decision. You are. And you alone know
what makes you happy. Whatever you decide, I'll support you. And be here for you, if
you need a shoulder.
'Just remember to call if you need help. It's never wrong to ask for help. Otherwise, stay
in touch. I'll send to Spike my email address and you can contact me that way. Please
keep me abreast of all that happens. And above all else, be happy!
'Giles'
"Anything profound to say?"
She glanced at Spike, seeing he held his own letter. After Anya had given her the letter,
she hadn't paid attention to who else got one. She'd taken hers and escaped back into the
training room. This was her space. Hers and Giles. Now, hers and Spike's. "Just to be
happy. And ask for help if I need it."
"And are you? Happy I mean."
"I'm getting there. Days like today helped." Seeing the confusion on his face, she
realized he didn't get what she meant. "Not Giles leaving. But us. We were just two
people, without angry words, and in public. It was nice."
"You're not helping me furnish the place."
"I don't remember asking to. And besides, you are way to moody right now. You'd
probably pick all black."
"And you were way to perky. Reminded me of the bot."
"Guess I tried too hard, huh? I'll make a note of that. Don't be too happy around Spike.
Sorry, I just wanted to try and do it right. You know, if everything was happy, then
maybe you'd give me a chance. Guess I blew it?"
"No. Just be yourself. That's all I want. I want to get to know Buffy Anne Summers.
The real you. Not the slayer, not the sister, just you."
He's was getting a little too deep for her. Treading too close to that place of hers she
wanted to hide from everyone. "Where's everyone else?"
"Xander ran off, not even taking his letter. Willow read hers and then followed him.
And Dawn is talking to Anya about shopping. I thought you might need a distraction.
Take your mind off things. Want to train?"
Author: Amanda
Rating: PG13 or so, for now
Disclaimers: Not mine.
Distribution: Please ask. Previous chapters are at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.
Summary: After season 6. Everyone's back in Sunnydale – Willow without powers,
Spike with a soul. Buffy is slaying for money and Spike is her pseudo-watcher. Anya's
still a demon. And Xander is exactly how I see Xander. Spike has decided to find a new
residence. And he and Buffy are trying to be friends.
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for the great beta.
**************
"Do you really need two bedrooms? You could save some money if you just got one.
And why do you want the top floor? With huge windows?"
Spike mentally reminded himself to never ask Buffy to go apartment hunting again. Not
that he needed to any time soon, but in the future, he wanted to make sure he remembered
to not bring her along. And that might go for any type of shopping too. She questioned
everything and was way too bright and perky to the salespeople. She had reminded him
of the bot. He'd tried to ask her what her deal was, and all she'd muttered was that
someone had to be nice and friendly instead of all moody and broody, and what was his
problem anyway.
His problem was that he hadn't slept. And she had been way too close to him. And
everywhere they'd gone, the bank, and numerous apartment buildings, everyone had
thought they were together. The lady at the bank had said, 'they were a beautiful couple.'
He had expected Buffy to tell the woman they weren't a couple, they weren't even friends.
But she had surprised him, mystified him. She just got a shocked look on her face, then a
small smile appeared and she had said 'thank you.' And he had been mute. Silent. And
when he hadn't spoken up, the smile had gotten a little bigger.
He knew then that she'd gotten the wrong impression. He should have spoken up. He
should have said something. But he hadn't, he had liked seeing her happy. So all
throughout the morning and afternoon, she was nice and cheerful. And bloody annoying.
Nice was good. Even friendly would be okay. But cheerful? When was Buffy ever
cheerful and smiling at everything? He never thought he would be praying that she'd
punch him in the nose or call him nasty names. But he was now. Buffy being bright and
cheery was very scary.
He had concentrated on finding apartments where the entrance was inside the building.
They were a little pricier, but he thought it was worth it so that he wouldn't have to worry
about the sun. He had managed to get a place at the new complex that had just been built
downtown. Only a few blocks from the shop. And right beside a sewer entrance.
"Are you paying attention?"
"Two bedrooms, so that one can be an office. And I liked the view."
"You're a vampire."
"Doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good view. Learned that from Darla. She always
wanted a view of the city. Bet it's pretty at night. And I was a little sick of the below the
ground accommodations I've had for a while."
"Guess we got to go in, huh?" She didn't want to go in. She really wanted to stay and sit
in the car. But Anya had called early this morning and told her that everyone was needed
at the Magic Shoppe around four. And she had specifically included Spike in that
everyone.
So now they sat in the alley behind the shop, in the Desoto, neither one moving towards
the doors. Of course she knew she would have to go first, so that she could hold the door
open for Spike, so he could come flying through. But he didn't make any move to get out
of the car.
She thought that they'd had a good day. She knew he was annoyed with her and her
cheerful attitude. But she couldn't help it, she was happy. It was a nice normal day with
just the two of them. No fights, no nasty exchanges. Just two people searching for an
apartment. Two people that many assumed were searching for an apartment together.
And he hadn't contradicted anyone. Deep down she knew that this didn't mean anything
and that he wouldn't define them as a couple at all, but there was still a part of her that
was happy about it. It was a start. A small start in gaining some stable ground between
them.
"I got this for you."
She wasn't sure what she expected, but she knew it wasn't a schedule of classes for
Sunnydale Community College. "Is there a reason?"
"They have another summer session starting in two weeks. If you're lucky, there'll still
be some spots open."
"And what would I take?" With this newfound wealth from the Council, she had thought
her working and college days were over. She had visions of seeing Dawn off to school,
then going back for some sleep. And training and slaying later on in the day. Of course
she couldn't forget her two nights a month working for Anya. She had envisioned an
easy life. Easy if you didn't factor in all the housework she would still have to do.
"You dropped out last spring, right? In the middle of the term? Pick up one of those
classes."
"Why?"
"Why not? You need an education."
"Slayers don't need a college education."
"You need to set a good example for Dawn. And you can't slay all the time."
"I wouldn't even know what to take. Or how to study."
"What class did you like the most that you had to drop out of?"
"Poetry."
"Poetry?" Was she making fun of him? No, she looked entirely serious like she had
really enjoyed a poetry class. Was this a cosmic joke on him? He tries so hard to leave
his past behind him and he falls in love with a woman who likes poetry. Was the way to
her heart poetry the whole time?
"Yeah. I think it was 19th century poetry. I liked it a lot."
"Maybe they offer that. But I'm not helping you study."
"I don't believe I asked you to."
**************
"Why is he here? Actually, why are any of us here? It's not like Buffy needs or wants
our help when she has super vamp around." Being in the shop reminded Xander of too
many things. It reminded him of what he and Anya once had. It reminded him of
Willow bent on destroying the world. He was past all that, he had thought. But seeing
Spike and Buffy all happy looking reminded him of the evil that was still around. Evil in
magic, in deeds, in vampires and demons.
"Xander. Don't say things you'll regret." Willow had thought that maybe she had gotten
through to him. That maybe he had listened. But if he had, any knowledge gained had
vanished over night. He was still full of hate. Hate for Spike. She didn't know if it was
because of what happened with Buffy or with Anya. Or maybe a combination of both.
But he couldn't forgive their deeds. It didn't seem fair. He could wash her bad actions
away with nary a thought, but no one else's.
"Oh I have no regrets. None at all. I went away and came back to a place where I'm not
needed or wanted. By anyone. If anyone ever really needs me, you know where to find
me."
"Everyone's here because I asked them to be. I have an announcement." Making sure all
eyes were on her, Anya continued on. "Early this morning or late last night, however you
want to look at it, Giles left. He went back to England. And he gave me letters to give to
everyone."
"Obviously he doesn't feel needed either. Maybe I should leave too." Xander thought he
had only thought that; he hadn't realized he had spoken aloud until he heard Willow's
voice.
"Xander, quit saying that. I need you. What would I do without you?"
Buffy knew Giles was leaving. And she had known it would be soon. But this soon?
She had never imagined he would really leave this quickly. And he hadn't even said
anything last night. "He left? He just left again? But he just got here."
The loud upraised voices were making Anya's head hurt. And you really don't want to
see a vengeance demon with a headache. It isn't a pretty sight.
Xander and Willow were squabbling, while Buffy and Dawn were lost in their own
thoughts. And Spike, he was just sitting there. Anya raised her arm, hand fisted and
quickly thrust it downward, opening her fist. Sparks flew from her fingers and a loud
roar of thunder was heard, as she softly uttered "xianti."
That sure gained their attention. They were all staring at her with their mouths agape.
Good going Anyanka, you still got it. "Now that I have your attention…."
"What was that?" Dawn asked, cutting Anya off. "Can I learn how to do that?"
"Dawn, you don't need to do big tricks to gain people's attention. And you don't need to
learn magic, it's evil."
"Xander, not all magic is evil." Obviously they hadn't made progress Willow thought.
Or maybe they had, but he was against Anya. He obviously had a lot of hate for Anya
stored up too.
"I already know how to summon Anya. She taught me that. It's so cool. Watch."
Anya rushed in to intercept Dawn. Summoning a vengeance demon when you had no
plans to make a wish could be dangerous. And of course, sometimes things could go
wacky when you tried to summon someone that was only a few feet away. She'd seen
one time when a demon was split in half. And she really didn't want that. It was a pain
to sew yourself back together. "Dawn, no. Remember what I said, you only summon in
emergencies. We don't want to make D'hoffryn mad."
"You let her learn magic? You wouldn't even let her research and now she has Anya
teaching her spells?" Xander couldn't believe the changes that had happened in the short
weeks he was gone. Buffy and Spike were chummy. Anya was Buffy's new best friend.
And Buffy was letting Dawn perform major spells. He didn't care what Willow thought,
something was wrong. He was sure of it. And it had to be Spike. Spike must have her in
some sort of thrall, commanding her. No wonder she threatened to end our friendship.
"It's one small thing. It's just a thing. It's not a spell. And it is only to be used in dire
situations." To Buffy, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. One never knew what
kind of situations Dawn could get into. And Dawn had been so excited that she could
summon Anya. It had kept her happy for a few days, which had been worth it.
"I think it's good." Willow felt the need to speak up. It actually was a good plan and she
was a little upset she hadn't ever thought of anything like it before. She could have
taught Dawn a simple alarm spell, where Buffy would be alerted if something were
wrong.
"You do?" Buffy had thought Willow would be against it. Against any type of magic,
especially when it was performed around her.
"Yes. What if Dawn's on her own and something happens. If she needs help, then Anya
can be there in a few seconds. She can either help her or go get help. It sounds like a
great plan."
"She still needs some training." Spike had taken everything in. Xander's hate that
radiated off of him. He knew if he met up with Xander in an alley, he'd have to fight for
his life. But Willow's small smiles towards him, let him know that she didn't share his
feelings. And Willow was right; it was a good idea. Evil things could still come out
during the day. But Dawn would still need to know how to defend herself. If he was
helping Buffy train, it wouldn't take much more effort to teach Dawn some tricks.
"Hey now, I helped Buffy with those earth monsters. And speaking of training, when do
I get to go slaying?"
"You can always use training. Even Buffy needs to train."
"Do you want your letters or not?" Anya was tired. And cranky. And she needed to go
shopping. She and Giles had a date Sunday. She was going to teleport over there for a
nice Sunday picnic and she wanted to make sure she looked her best. And that called for
a new outfit. And according to the law of the world, it always took forever to find the
right outfit, when you had a short time to look.
She saved Spike's letter till last. Everyone else was moving around the shop, trying to
find a quiet alcove to read in. And that was what she had wanted. "Before I give you
this, I have something I want to say. I don't like secrets. We saw what they did. It's
better when everything is out in the open. I think you need to tell them."
"Tell them what?"
"About your soul," she whispered. She hated this secret business, she really did. And
she had no clue why he would want to keep it a secret. Shouting it from the rooftops is
what she imagined he would do. But he hadn't. "Tell Buffy."
"In my own time I will."
"I don't like this Spike. I'll keep quiet for a while longer. But not too long. Tell her, or I
will. And I think she'd like it a lot more if it came from you."
A part of him wanted to tell her. He did. But he also didn't want her feelings to change
just because she knew about it. There was something building between them. It was a
friendship. Friendship that in time could possibly become something more, but he didn't
know if it could or not. He'd give it a chance though. And he didn't want to be treated
differently by her, in the process of finding out. If she knew he had a soul, everything
would change. And he needed to make sure of her actions and feelings without her
knowledge of the soul.
**************
'Willow,
'You've lost something very important: your way in life. You need to find it again. And
once you do, you'll be fine. Just remember that you have friends who care about you.
Who love you. Lean on them. Make Tara proud.'
She couldn't go on after that. Tara. A minute didn't go by that she didn't think about her.
And every time, she wanted to curl up and die. She didn't know who she was without
Tara. Without magic. And now both were gone. Like Giles said, she was lost in life.
She had relied on Giles a lot. Xander too. Now Giles was gone and she didn't recognize
Xander. She wanted to be a better person, a better friend. But Xander seemed stuck in
his own world, where he was the only one that mattered. She couldn't do that. Dwelling
on herself too much brought about tears and hatred. She had to try and move forward, be
a friend and supporter to those around her. And maybe in return, she could get that back.
Friendship and support. She desperately needed it.
**************
Spike couldn't believe he'd gotten a letter. He actually warranted a goodbye of sorts. But
it could also be a curse on him. Probably threats of stakes, holy water, and sunlight. He
couldn't blame Giles though. If he were in Giles' position, he would never have entrusted
Buffy to himself. Never. He knew what he was capable of and sometimes it scared him.
But he'd been given a chance. A chance at something better. And neither knew about the
soul. They actually believed that he could be better, do good without a soul. It reminded
him of a time when Giles had expressed that maybe he had a greater purpose in life. He
hadn't wanted that then. He had only been consumed with getting the chip out, becoming
a monster again. Now he would embrace that. Now he could try and achieve a higher
purpose; he could be useful.
With trepidation, his finger slid beneath the flap of the envelope. As much as he hoped
for words of wisdom and of teary goodbyes, he knew he wouldn't find it. Threats and
curses were more likely. But he deserved it. If magic rained from the opening of the
envelope, to curse him until he was dust, he would accept it. He didn't deserve anything
more. He only hoped for more.
'Spike,
'You should receive a packet tomorrow by way of Anya. In it will be a credit card for job
expenses. There should be numerous pages of what is allowed. Make sure you pay strict
attention to it. If it says a certain type of athletic shoes are what is allowed for Buffy,
then that is what they will pay for, nothing else. The trick is to buy that, then a few days
later exchange it for whatever Buffy really wants, and pay the difference. You can
charge her workout clothes and weapons on there as well. Also, buy the computer you
will need. The specifications are listed and the software is in the packet. Any problems
you have with it, ask Willow, but she is not to touch it. She can only answer your
questions. The only two people that are allowed to have access are you and Buffy.
'Instructions on how to gain access to the Council's online library are included. It is
monitored, so make sure you use discretion in what you search for.
'I'm entrusting in your care something much greater than council secrets. I'm entrusting
you with Buffy. And Dawn, too. I never would have before, at least not without a hint of
trepidation. But that fear is gone. I saw something last night between the two of you.
Both of you obviously care a great deal about the other. And I don't think Buffy would
want you gone. I think she would mourn you, as much as you mourned her.
'I never thought I would see what I saw in her eyes last night. She used to look at the
world with a vibrant outlook, a look of love for everything in it. Wanting to protect and
fight for good. But along the way that was lost. However, a glimmer was back last night.
And I do think it was you that put it there. She trusts you. Why, I don't know, nor will I
ever begin to. But she does. And don't break it, because you might not ever get it back if
you do.
'Take care of her. She's the daughter I'll never have. She's my family. And if anything
happens to her, and you could have prevented it, I will come after you. And I'm talking
anything you could have averted. You could not have prevented what happened with
Glory. You gave it your best. That's all I'm asking for. Do your best to take care of her.
And Dawn. Willow too. I know you don't care much for Xander, but at times he can be
useful. And Anya does have a lot of knowledge.
'For some unknown reason I'm entrusting them all into your hands. Don't let me down. I
know you probably expected harsher words from me, and I had intended to write them.
But I truly believe that you might have a greater good in life. I think it just took you a
long time to find it. Don't let me down. Don't let Buffy down.
'Giles'
**************
Dawn read the second paragraph again. 'You're growing up and you want to be an adult.
But there's still so much to learn. Don't be too quick to be an adult. Being an adult
carries a lot of responsibility. Responsibilities that Buffy was not ready for. But she's
slowly learning. And when the time is right, you'll learn too. Savor being young for
once. It's what everyone wants for you. They want you to have the normal life they were
denied.'
She thought she finally knew what Giles was talking about. The weeks spent alone with
Buffy had been good. She had realized all that Buffy did do: the laundry, the grocery
shopping, paying bills, keeping the house clean. With mom, it had always seemed to get
done by itself, like there was a fairy that did everything. But there weren't any fairies. It
was just a very competent mother that had had years to perfect combining working,
taking care of a house, and two daughters. And Buffy was learning.
She was trying. Dawn could see that now. She could also see how she hadn't been a help
and neither had Willow. Tara had kept it all together and when she had moved out, it fell
apart. Tara knew how to do it all. It probably came from taking care of her own family.
But Buffy would continue to get better with time.
*************
She stared at the envelope, unsure if she wanted to open it. Reading it would make it
seem so much more real. Make it permanent. She had known he wasn't going to stay.
But it hadn't occurred to her that he would leave this quickly. Had he made it known to
anyone else? She didn't think so. Everyone seemed a little puzzled at his abrupt
departure. Stealing herself against whatever he wrote, she slid her finger under the edge
of the envelope.
'Buffy,
'I know it feels like I'm suddenly leaving you again. And I am. It feels that way for me
too. But I don't know any other way. Last night I saw that I'd been replaced. My time
was up. I was no longer your watcher. Or even a trusted friend. I don't know what I am
anymore.
'I'd like to think of myself as your surrogate father. But you don't need another one that
merely runs off and leaves you without a word. I'd like to think that I'm not doing that. I
am merely handing you over to someone else. Someone that you trust and rely on.
Someone that can provide you with guidance and that I think you'll actually listen to once
and a while. And yes, I am talking about Spike.
'Something does seem different about him. He seems more grounded, stable. But
underneath, I think he is still the same but with a purpose in life. And you give that to
him.
'I don't know all the details about what happened between you. Nor do I want to. You've
grown up. And when you grow up, you must make decisions on your own and live with
the consequences, whether they are good or bad. And this is one of those times. I really
hope you only have good consequences out of your actions with Spike.
'I want you to be happy Buffy. To find someone that makes you happy. Do I think it's a
vampire? No. But I'm not the one making the decision. You are. And you alone know
what makes you happy. Whatever you decide, I'll support you. And be here for you, if
you need a shoulder.
'Just remember to call if you need help. It's never wrong to ask for help. Otherwise, stay
in touch. I'll send to Spike my email address and you can contact me that way. Please
keep me abreast of all that happens. And above all else, be happy!
'Giles'
"Anything profound to say?"
She glanced at Spike, seeing he held his own letter. After Anya had given her the letter,
she hadn't paid attention to who else got one. She'd taken hers and escaped back into the
training room. This was her space. Hers and Giles. Now, hers and Spike's. "Just to be
happy. And ask for help if I need it."
"And are you? Happy I mean."
"I'm getting there. Days like today helped." Seeing the confusion on his face, she
realized he didn't get what she meant. "Not Giles leaving. But us. We were just two
people, without angry words, and in public. It was nice."
"You're not helping me furnish the place."
"I don't remember asking to. And besides, you are way to moody right now. You'd
probably pick all black."
"And you were way to perky. Reminded me of the bot."
"Guess I tried too hard, huh? I'll make a note of that. Don't be too happy around Spike.
Sorry, I just wanted to try and do it right. You know, if everything was happy, then
maybe you'd give me a chance. Guess I blew it?"
"No. Just be yourself. That's all I want. I want to get to know Buffy Anne Summers.
The real you. Not the slayer, not the sister, just you."
He's was getting a little too deep for her. Treading too close to that place of hers she
wanted to hide from everyone. "Where's everyone else?"
"Xander ran off, not even taking his letter. Willow read hers and then followed him.
And Dawn is talking to Anya about shopping. I thought you might need a distraction.
Take your mind off things. Want to train?"