Date finished: 02 January 2003

Title: Superficiality
Series: Gensomaden Saiyuki
Pairing: Sanzo x Hakkai
Category: Angst, Hakkai POV
Warning: Rated R for the yaoi lime, angst and language.
A/N: For Archangel Barton who requested a 38 fic with a "lovers' quarrel" theme. BTW, she's one of my closest friends both in real life and in fandom, and my other half for maintaining GWLA.

Archive: Taciturnity [http:taciturnity.fateback.com] and the SanzoxHakkaiML [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sanzoxhakkai]

Standard disclaimers apply.

"Superficiality"
by Fall

How empty the heart is despite the spoken words that ought to feed emotional assurances.

It's so superficial, the way relationships should work. Caresses laced with empty promises, words passed off for finalities and the never-ending question of how long will these last.

Superficiality and emptiness best describes the relationship I'm under the delusion of.

But I never learn do I?

Once again, I find my eyes resting on the empty chair across from me. Another rainy night and its missing occupant is barricaded inside his room. I stifled a sigh, noting that Gojyo was morosely sitting beside me. Knowing him, one more drop of depressiveness and he would surely erupt. I instead opted to silently withdraw and check on Sanzo.

"Going to do your nightly duty?"

"Hai, Gojyo."

"Why don't you just let the saru do it?" That question was another form of saying, "Aren't you getting tired of loving someone that cold?" Which code I've deciphered for many a night now.

"I don't mind." Which was half-true.

"I guess I lose this game again, ne Hakkai?" This was spoken as lowly as the speaker's spirits were. I could almost feel the misery emanating from Gojyo's unmoving form, but I do nothing. I don't even dare answer.

I instead focused on my light steps. Some things about me can be deceiving. You could listen to the echoes of my footsteps and say there's nothing wrong. Or you could see my generic smile and grin back in return. But all of these were just wrong assumptions. As I reached the door of my destination, my heart plummets at the weight of my burden.

I enter the room and see Sanzo; his lithe form silently perched by the window-seat. His head doesn't move, nor was there a sound made, but I know he was aware of my presence. Slowly, I move around, talking about pleasant things and expecting no responses. Like every night, I make conversations that were another variation of me talking to myself. I open my heart to him and expect nothing.

And just like every night, he would come to me and start his ministrations; pressing his lips to mine while letting his hands wander off. Despite the screaming of my mind to stop and end this, I feel myself surrendering to him, myself wanting him more. My own fingers deftly moves on their own as they unzipped the fly of Sanzo's pants, working to match the impatient work Sanzo was doing to me. Feral groans could be heard coming from either of us as he thrusted in and out of my body. Even if this was none other than the natural lust that he must feel for me, it meant the world to me. When it's all over, he'll have no use for me anymore. Pathetic, but I settle for that.

As he rolls off of me, I feel the familiar ache. It throbs and throbs inside but never dulls. Before I break in front of him, I gathered my things and started to dress. He doesn't let me linger in his bed after he's through with me anyway.

"Hakkai," He starts, breaking the silence as I slipped into my clothes. "Why do you stay with me?"

I was startled. However well covered my thoughts were, he must have seen the slip and broken through them. "Why do you ask?"

"I'll only answer that if you'll answer me."

"Then let's keep it that way, ne?" I answer, unwilling to say anything more. I take leave in the normal way, but like all those other nights, I was broken.

I'm getting tired of the empty words, the empty threats, and the whole superficiality of this relationship. But I just never learn, I never do. I keep thinking I'd break into Sanzo's wall and stay. But that just can't be, can it?

"Why do you stay with me?" Sanzo repeats, this time clamping a hand firmly on my own. I refused to look at his eyes and see whatever emotion flashing in them. I know I've made a mistake of wallowing in self-pity when I could have ended this game earlier. When the pain was just heartache and not the despondency that is now planted within.

Why do I stay with you? I don't know, I just don't know, Sanzo. Maybe because I thought you understand me the most, because you alone could share the spots that stain me, because you bring light to my darkened life.

Or maybe just because I love you and nothing more.

"Ai shiteru, Hakkai." And I get a glimpse of amethyst eyes darkening before I turned away. As abrupt as my action was, that did not stall his own, and I felt myself being pulled strongly into his hold. Sanzo's body was trembling as he tightened his arms around me, and I felt another wave of pain wash over me.

"But everyone else says them to someone," I murmured, much to the rebelling of my heart. "You could tell me that every time you touch me, but still remain distant. What good are those words when you won't let me reach through you?" You've lashed out even at Goku, whose only motives were to be concerned about you. Everyone is worthless under your nose, not even useful at any time. What about me? Am I just good enough in bed? And still you tell me that you love me. I wish you'd stop telling me that, Sanzo.

When he did not answer, I took that as his unspoken agreement to my silent plea for release. I'm not leaving Sanzo because I do not love him anymore, nor because this was the right thing to do. What we had was never wrong to me, but I need to be released from the emotional prison that this one-sided love was binding me to. Slowly, I lifted his arms and pulled away from him.

"I always hurt you, don't I?" Sanzo just offers, withdrawing himself. He lights a cigarette, the way he usually does when he needed a diversion. I know he smokes for the hell of perennially doing something.

I do not answer for fear of changing my mind. It took me months of self-condemnation before I could bring myself to end what has become a superficial relationship to me. Now that I was able to tell this to Sanzo, I was wondering whether I would really be released or would just torture myself some more.

Because the trembling that I felt from Sanzo while he held me wasn't lying.

Sighing, I forced my heavy feet to move. Staying here only prolongs the strained hope that was hovering thinly between us. Once I leave this room, all will be over in its inevitability.

"Gomen nasai."

I gave him one last look, refusing to note that his eyes reflected my own internal argument. This was the same Sanzo who I fell in love with. Even though he was the only one with the power to hurt me the most, I do not want to hear any of his apologies.

Because love means never having to say I'm sorry[1]. But I didn't find the courage to tell him that. "Sanzo, arigato gozaimasu." And I quickly step out from his room. I prayed I wouldn't meet anyone outside, but to no avail. Goku was waiting, just outside Sanzo's door. Why does it have to be Goku of all people?

"Domoshte? Domoshte, Hakkai!" He demanded suddenly. Judging from his look, he'd heard most, if not all that happened inside.

"Goku," I struggled, wondering how to assuage the bewildered boy. He was asking me the same question that was nagging my frail side. "It was inevitable, and you know it."

"Does it have to end this way?" He countered. I didn't know what to say next, and neither did he, it seems, for he has launched himself onto me and was now sobbing uncontrollably. It was my turn to ask.

"Goku," I whispered, stroking the boy's head. "I don't understand."

But he just kept on sobbing and hitting me with his fists. I accepted all his blows, thinking that I deserved them. But I was wrong.

"How could you be so cruel, Hakkai?" He shouted, suddenly stopping. "I let you have Sanzo because I was sure you'd never hurt him! You promised me. I promised to myself that no one shall ever hurt Sanzo but I let you. What am I to do, Hakkai? I can't make you pay because I know you were hurt too." And then Goku just ran away, leaving me feeling pathetically stupid. Here I was, thinking he needed to be comforted for feeling so bad about this. But one look after his running form and I had this vague impression that I was the one who needed to be comforted.

"Matte, Goku!" I called, desperately wanting to defend myself.

"Yamero." Sanzo said, grasping my arm to make me stop. If it was possible, his tone was graver than I've ever heard him use. "Nothing you'll say can ever make him understand. Leave it be, nobody cares if the saru would sulk tomorrow."

This is it then. Back to business, when I was only Cho Hakkai, the one who cares for the rest of the Sanzo-ikkou, the one who minds it when someone's upset. "But I do care," I replied. "Even if it takes a lot of words from me, I have to make him understand."

For Goku's peace of mind, and my own.

"Is it really final then?" Sanzo asks, passing it off as a question to what I'll do with Goku.

"Sanzo..." But nothing came out. It would've been easy to say, "It is" if I didn't note that the question was a double entendre. The real question was for what I'll do about *us*.

"Don't do this to me, onegai." I pleaded, because I had inkling of what was to happen next.

He closed the gap between us, trapping me against the wall. He lowered his head and kissed me, putting in all of his passion and desperation into the kiss. I should have pushed him away and escaped, but I didn't. I felt my hands coming up to hold his head, pulling it closer to deepen his kiss. Despite the impulse that drove me, my mind was screaming to push this man away from me, away from my life. Tonight, I was finally liberated from my burden. I can't let such a trivial thing like my lust to take over. I would only keep on hurting myself and other people if I get trapped again. Guiltily, I pushed Sanzo away.

"Sanzo, it's...it's final. Please don't come near me again."

"Masaka!" He said fiercely, preventing my escape by placing both his hands on either side of my head. "I won't let you leave me as long as your heart doesn't wish me to."[2]

"How can you be so sure about that?" I cried out, slapping his arm away. My heart was racing from the intensity of his glare, but there was also the mounting anger that rose within me because of his conceited words. "Why do I always end up the one running after you? The one who should always be hurt, bending to your ways? Why should I be the one who always wishes for Sanzo-sama's love?"

He was stunned. Staggering away from me, he surveyed me from behind those silky blond strands. Haunted amethyst eyes glaring, he stood at the corner like some vulnerable animal. Looking as frail as when I held his life in my hands back then.

"Sou ka. It's my entire fault, then. I shouldn't have let you get involved with me." He murmured. "I know I can't atone for my revolting treatment of you except to yield to your request."

There was only silence.

Then...

"Tell me, Hakkai. Tell it to me firmly that you hate me, that you do not love me anymore. Only then would I truly leave your life."

You're selfish, Sanzo...

"I don't hate you."

"But you want to break away from me?"

Truly selfish, because you know what my answer would be. You've felt it when you kissed me; knew from the beating of my heart when you held me.

"Hai, Sanzo. Let me do so in peace, onegai."

"Tell me you do not love me anymore and I'll let you."

Yamero, Sanzo. You're too selfish, conceited, and cold. You always get what you wanted, even if you have to resort to force. You never let me read your real emotions, only preferring to show what you want me to see. I was never able to break into your real heart, the real Genjo Sanzo behind the facade. I was yours but you were never mine.

"Tell me."

And when my eyes register that you look pained, when my ears notes the tone of despair in your voice, and when my hands feel the speeding pulse in your chest, you know that I've reached my decision...

Because I just never learn, do I?

"I've never stopped loving you, and I never will." We both know that those words were the real finality of this night. Even though words are empty promises to feed superficial relationships, but somehow, we needed them to remove all doubts. But for once, I felt glad that what I said could mean so much for both of us.

"The feeling's mutual." Sanzo replies. He knew I needed to hear that too, as much as he needed my own admittance. "Let's leave things behind and start again from square one."

"You mean to forgive and forget, ne Sanzo?"

"Hai."

"Demo--"

"I thought that we've reached our final decision?" He interjects, obviously afraid that I was going to start the discussion again.

"I was talking about Goku. What should I do?" I asked, still feeling uneasy about him. Goku was angry at me for breaking up with Sanzo -- how am I to face the boy and tell him that I changed my mind? He'd only tell me how inconsistent I am with this matter.

"Oi, don't worry about Goku. Let me," Sanzo ordered. "For now, you'll only concentrate on me. I shall try and make it up to you."

And he kissed me. As I looked into the wonderful amethyst eyes that held so much emotion for me, I found my lips quirking up into a true smile.

I just never learn, and I guess I never will.

~* Owari

[1] Line borrowed from Erich Segal's wonderful novel, "Love Story". **Brief novel recount: Jenny once said it to Oliver after they had a quarrel. She left and when Oliver found her again, he apologized. To which Jenny only said, "Love means never having to say I'm sorry." After that, they went back home together... **End novel recount.

[2] My initial plan was to end it with them separating, but then, Sanzo just had to say this line. Which of course made Hakkai's temper flare up and well...you know the rest.

Further A/N: What about Goku? No, there is no shounen-ai implication between him and Sanzo. He was just upset when he heard what happened, after all, he always looks out for the monk. So what was he doing outside the door anyway? I don't know, probably checking whether Sanzo has eaten or something.

Constructive comments and criticisms are welcome.