Gestalt 7

Gestalt 7

By Caer

Lots of angst in this one. It's about Trowa's past. I'll get back to Quatre and his problems real soon, but this is where my muse took me and I couldn't refuse, because she actually got me typing. It's sad, but hopefully not too melodramatic. I hate that. I'm not really fond of flashbacks as I think they're overdone quite a lot, but I really don't know any other way to make Trowa's past clearer. Hopefully this works. You all know that all my characters are people I've pulled from one part of the show or another. The nameless old man in this part has too. He was the old man pacifist that Quatre helped when he was being abused. Just thought I'd let you know. I'm sure that you all cringe at my gratuitous use of ellipses as well, but I just love them so much. Sorry.

Let me know what you think.

Gestalt 7

Trowa stared thoughtfully out the window of the beat up hatchback he rode in. The lights of the city spread out in all directions, becoming blurs of colorful confusion as they sped past, making the reds and greens and whites blur together, but their frantic dance left little impression on the thoughtful Trowa as he replayed the events of the day over and over in his mind.

"So you really like Quatre don't you?"

After his ordeal, Hilde Shbeiker had insisted on just driving him home. He had tried to convince them that he was ok taking the bus, but they had all been adamant. This by no means excluded Quatre who made him promise to let her take him home before he had allowed himself to be escorted back to his room. Now it was dark in the small town outside and Trowa had been lulled into his own thoughts. Suddenly broken from them, he looked over at the perky brunette.

"I do." He said. She laughed.

"I thought so. You and he just look so on."

Trowa smiled shyly, staring out the window.

"Do we?"

"Oh, totally… and I'm not just saying that because I saw him try to perform an oral tonsillectomy on you either."

Trowa looked down at his lap and laughed, blushing at the same time and knowing that she was enjoying every minute of his embarrassment. She grinned, glancing at him every now and then as she drove.

"Which one was it anyway?"

Trowa looked over, confused.

"Huh?"

"Which of Quatre's personalities kissed you?"

"Ah." Trowa adjusted, angling himself so he could talk more comfortably with the forthright girl. "It was Heero." He looked at her profile. She was a thin girl, but wore baggy clothes to hide it. She had a very open and thoughtful expression to her face and body language. She reminded Trowa a lot of his sister.

Hilde snickered.

"Figures. That was a Heero kiss. No nonsense. Wufei wouldn't kiss that soon and Quatre probably would have climbed on top of you like an aggressive puppy."

"You seem to know them well." Trowa said. He rolled down the window a bit to let some fresh air into the musty car.

"Well, I've worked here for a year now. Quatre's been a very good friend to me. Wufei's a little more distant and Heero barely talks to me, but I like them all anyway. It's nice to see Quatre making a new friend finally. Sometimes it scares me that he's trapped in that place with no one to talk to. Most of the staff treats the patients like total children. It's so degrading. Quatre's too smart for that."

"You're right." Trowa agreed. "He doesn't belong there."

"No he doesn't." Hilde said sadly. "He's so afraid that his father will give him no choice but to follow in his footsteps. He just wants to live his own life."

Hilde looked over at Trowa.

"Quatre likes you too you know. A lot. Maybe you could convince him to leave?"

Trowa sighed and shook his head. "I don't know that I have that much influence on him."

"Believe me you do." Hilde countered. "Not just him either. Wufei and Heero respect you too."

Trowa regarded Hilde thoughtfully.

"Do you treat them as different people?"

"Well of course. They are different people. Your problem is that you look at Quatre from a psychologist's point of view. I just see him as different. I've known them all for so long now; I couldn't see one of them not being there. Could you?"

Trowa sighed. "Then if Heero kissed me, am I cheating on Quatre?"

Hilde looked at Trowa, almost veering off the road before she caught herself. This phased Trowa little. She looked down, suddenly finding the sparkled paint on her nails suddenly quite fascinating. He just stared at her coolly.

"Oh god. I didn't think about that." She laughed, but became suddenly serious. She licked her lips, thinking… looking up, trying to remember. "They seem to share information with each other, but I know there have been times when one didn't know something that the other said or did."

Trowa played with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

"I know that there are a lot of DID's that have personalities that will plot against each other," he said, "but Quatre hasn't shown anything like that. They're protective, not vindictive." Trowa said, thinking back, trying to recall any malice, even subtle, between the three personalities.

"Yeah, but you're a new love interest aren't you? Quatre thinks that Wufei and Heero are his lovers and vice versa. That means he's probably never had a 'real' love interest. Maybe subconsciously, Quatre wants something like this. Something more real, but it's coming out through each personality separately."

She was good. Trowa was starting to wonder if everyone around him was just more cognizant than he was of what was going on. Maybe he was just used to living in the circus, where the general idea of a good time was to see how many empty beer bottles you could juggle. What if she was right? Was he hurting Quatre by just being there? Trowa suddenly felt slightly sick. He reflexively put a hand on his stomach. What Hilde was suggesting was starting to make sense in a way that did not please him at all.

"You okay."

Trowa nodded, wincing as his neck protested the movement.

"You could be right. I could be dangerous to his balance. I could end up hurting him… or them. I need to stop..."

Hilde shook her head adamantly.

"No no no. Quatre's different Trowa, but he's not a piece of glass. You can't walk away from him, just because you're scared that you'll change him. That's what interaction with other people does. It changes you. It's a part of life. Quatre, Wufei and Heero have been through years of shit before you Trowa. If you end up changing them, then it was probably supposed to happen anyway. If you walk away now to 'protect' him, it means you don't see him as a person, you see him as a freak, just like everyone else."

Hilde watched Trowa from the corner of her eye while he thought about this. One thing Trowa did know about was being seen as a 'freak' as she so colorfully put it. Hilde put a hand on his slender wrist and squeezed.

"He's seen lots of doctors Trowa, good doctors. His father's rich. They weren't able to make any progress. He is who he is; so don't get all down just because I threw one of my bullshit ideas at you. Maybe you can talk to each of them to see what's going on that way.

They had pulled into the apartment complex and Hilde watched Trowa open the door and grab his bag.

"Are you sure you'll be ok?"

He nodded.

"My apartment is just over there. Thanks for the ride."

"Hey… anytime. You're good to talk to. Besides, if Quatre likes you, you must be special. See ya. Let me know if you ever need a ride."

He shut the car door, smiling. She waved and drove off.

Trowa walked along the darkened walkway between buildings, heading for his apartment… thinking about the events of today. Had Quatre known that Heero had kissed him, or had it just been one person kissing him. Would Quatre be hurt if he knew it had happened? For that matter, why would Heero kiss him if he was supposed to be a protective personality? Heero had seemed like an honest person. He hadn't acted as if he was actively deceiving his gentle counterpart. How could he look at this? Wufei had made it clear that they were different people, but if that was the case, should he be faithful to only Quatre?

Should he have even gotten involved? Could a relationship with Quatre possibly work when his mind was split so completely? It wasn't as if Quatre was mentally unstable… quite the opposite in fact. He seemed very functional, even if he wasn't 'normal' per se. However, the fact was, Quatre was mentally unbalanced deep inside. Sometime in his past, he had been traumatized enough for his mind to split into separate entities. If Trowa ended up ruining the balance Quatre had achieved between the three, what would happen to the blond mentally and emotionally? Or was Hilde right? Was Trowa trying to treat Quatre too delicately?

Trowa slowly walked home through the deserted, but relatively safe courtyard of his apartment building. He had liked Hilde. She was the kind of girl who could charm anyone just because she was so honest. Maybe that was why it was so easy to talk to her, when he rarely talked to anyone but his sister.

Though she had been adorned like a more feminine girl with a baggy pink sweater and black stretch pants, there was something about Hilde Shbeiker that seemed… tough. Trowa found himself wondering, as he often did, what her family was like… if she had one. It was something he had done for as long as he could remember. When he had been in the circus, he would find himself staring at the odd person, their look catching him for some reason he could never explain. He would find himself wondering as he did now, whom they were… what kind of lives had they had.

When he was younger, it was couples with children that would catch his attention and he would wonder what kind of parents they were. It was hard to tell at a circus, because the children were often happy. It was hard not to be… as a kid, no matter what sort of hell you were going through at home. As a child, Trowa had visited the circus a couple of times. His parents had taken him, not for his sake though. They were big children themselves. They were certainly young. Trowa remembered that one out of the two times, they had gone, they had managed to lose him. One minute they had been looking at the shooting gallery, his mother telling his father that he should win something for her, the next minute, they were gone. It had been one of the most frightening and exciting nights of his life, and it had changed his life.

"Dekim! For once in your life get off your lazy ass and do something for me."

"Jesus… why are you always yelling at me?"

A very young Trowa paid little attention to his parents as he watched the amazing miracle of little colored balloons being formed into silly little animals and hats. The clown who did them was so fast! His parent's irate voices hazed into background noise as usual as they stood at the shooting gallery. The squeak of the balloons being a much more appealing noise and Trowa stood in awe, wondering why they didn't just pop.

"Here you go little girl." The clown smiled gently as he spoke and now that Trowa heard his voice, he could tell the man was pretty old. He looked up with twinkling eyes at Trowa and winked, about to invite him over. Then he glanced up at the squalling couple behind Trowa, his mother having a hold of the neck of his shirt as she wined about wanting a toy. Trowa saw a bit of anger in the kind old eyes of the man and wondered why. The kind clown smiled sadly at him and turned to another child who had come up to get a balloon animal.

Trowa felt a yank on his collar and turned to follow his mother as they went to the shooting gallery, but he was pulled so hard, he fell on his face in the dirt.

"You stupid god damn kid!"

His mother picked him up and set him down roughly, rubbing a dry napkin over his face and shirt.

"Jesus Trowa, I just washed this thing."

"I swear Tina, your kid is so fucking clumsy."

"My kid? My kid?" She screamed. "Why the hell is he always my kid. What you didn't have anything to do with him? Is that it? You were drunk off your ass and looking for a quick ball so he's not your responsibility? Huh?"

Trowa wiped the dust off of his shirt and straightened it a little bit. He followed the squall of his parents to the end of the gallery where there was a free seat.

Trowa watched his father shoot at the passing ducks, but he had seen him drink a lot of beer and Trowa knew that he could barely aim the remote control right, let alone shoot balls at the targets. Deep inside, Trowa knew he could do better.

He found himself watching another man shoot. This man was good and he could hit the ducks every time. Trowa studied him, watching how he stood, how he had one shoulder slightly forward as he shot. It was much different than the way his father was shooting. For one thing, this guy could stand up straight. Trowa found himself mesmerized by the little ducks and trash cans as they went by, some of them going down under the barrage, while others somehow made it through unscathed.

Trowa blinked himself out of his dreamy state and turned, his childish mind, suddenly noticing that the drone of his arguing parents had disappeared. He turned around to see a completely different man occupying the seat his father had been in just moments ago. Trowa turned around full circle, looking up at all the faces around him, trying to spot his mother's black shorts and tank top, or his father's grubby jeans and plaid shirt, but they were nowhere to be seen.

Unfortunately this was a scenario Trowa was all too used to. It happened at malls, stores… about anywhere. Trowa had developed a system though. He would just find the entrance and stand around until they found him. That seemed to work. Though he never voiced, it he was pretty sure his parents were too dumb to figure this out themselves, but… they had to get out sometime, so there he would go and there's where he headed now.

The carnival was different though. There didn't seem to be any one entrance. Plus, at a mall, Trowa could stand outside and knew his parents would just drive around until they saw him. He was so quiet and withdrawn, he stuck out. Here, there was no way for the cars to drive all the way around. Trowa continued to wander, not paying attention to the crowd around him, looking for an entrance… but as soon as he though he saw one, he realized it was just a gap in the fences by a particularly big booth. Trowa started to get frustrated. He decided to go back to where he had lost them, but now he couldn't find the right shooting gallery. There were a lot. Some had different targets and he couldn't find the nice clown now either. Dejected, he quietly found a bench next to a bathroom and sat down, curling his knees into himself and staring out quietly.

"Hey… hey kid!"

Trowa awoke, lifting his head from his knees to see an older man kneeling in front of him. He smiled, but there was something weird. He put his large and wrinkled hands on Trowa's knees.

"Hey." He said gently? "Are you lost?"

Trowa nodded carefully, studying the man. He seemed nice. He was down at Trowa's level looking into his eyes.

"Kind of." He said softly.

"That's ok." The man said, smiling. "Hey. I can help you. I have some candy."

The man held his hand and pulled him off the bench. He was still kneeling on his toes, smiling at Trowa. His smile was almost too big. A soft hand ran through his hair.

"I'll tell you what." He stood up, pulling Trowa along, toward the bathroom. "Come in here with me and if you do me a little favor, I'll give you some candy. Huh?"

The man pulled a little harder and Trowa's slight body had no choice but to move further. He tried to pull back. He whispered quietly.

"I have to find my mom."

The man smiled and pulled out some candy.

"Sure. Sure you do. We will. We'll find your mommy. Just come in here and help me with something okay! You'll like it I promise. We're just going to play a game."

Trowa didn't like candy or games much, but he didn't know what to say. This man was leading him someplace he didn't think he wanted to go, but the man had said he would help him. He did have to find his parents…

Suddenly the man looked up and let go of Trowa quickly, backing away. A huge man with giant hands grabbed the old man and threw him against the bathroom wall. He shrieked and gasped at the same time as the giant man slammed him against the wall again.

"You dirty bastard, Tsuberov! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The man sputtered and cursed as he tried to pry the massive hands away from his arms.

"The kid's lost! I was just trying to help out."

Trowa watched the big man with some amazement as he slammed the man against the wall again. He also realized there was a very pretty girl standing next to him. She was dressed in a purple and blue dancing costume and Trowa blinked at her as she looked at him.

"Are you all right?" She asked. She looked like she was about 10… much older than Trowa… practically a grown up. She stood with her hands behind her back.

Trowa nodded bravely, straightening his shirt.

"Yah. I can't find my parents."

"Catherine!"

The girl looked up. The large man looked sternly at Trowa. Trowa returned the look with a level gaze of his own. Trowa thought he saw a sparkle in the man's eyes, like he had seen in those of the old clown from before, but it was gone already. The man looked at the girl.

"Take him to your father and help him find his parents. I'll be there in a minute."

Catherine turned to Trowa. "Uh oh. We had better do what he says. He's using his angry voice."

She took his hand.

"Come with me. You can have some cotton candy if you want."

Trowa let himself be led.

"I don't like candy."

She shrugged.

"Ok. Well you can have a hot dog instead. Then we'll find your mom and dad."

Trowa took one last look behind him, but there were too many people in the way to see what was happening. Maybe the giant man was going to take his candy. Trowa forgot about it as his stomach growled. A hot dog was more important anyway.

"Who was that guy?"

"That's Rashid. He's teaching me to walk the tightrope."

"Really?"

******

After a stop off to get a free hot dog for both children Trowa was led by the girl who had introduced herself as Catherine, finally to an office where he was introduced to her father the Ringmaster. He seemed a stern man and very big to a boy Trowa's size with his grand red uniform with gold trim wrapped around a barrel-chested body that was constantly poised for drama. Even behind a closed door, the big man acted as though he were still on stage, gesturing grandly as he heard Catherine's tale of Trowa's current situation. He stood dramatically, striding over to the small boy, smiling kindly as he lifted him to sit on the desk. Trowa's eyes widened in surprise as he was plopped on the man's desk. He wasn't used to being carried or hefted about so.

"I'm sure your parents must be worried sick about you." The man said in a deep theatrical voice.

Trowa said nothing, but stared at the man as if he couldn't be real.

"I'll have some of my people start looking right now. You stay here with my daughter and I will return shortly."

With that the eccentric man had exited with a flourish, leaving Catherine alone with Trowa.

"Don't worry. We'll find them." She said very seriously. "This happens all the time."

"My parents lose me a lot." Trowa replied quietly.

"The circus is really big, so it's easy to get lost. You can just wait here with me until my dad finds them though."

Suddenly a big excited smile lit up the girls face.

"You wanna come see the lions?"

Trowa's eyes got very wide and he nodded. Catherine took his hand and pulled him off the desk, dragging him into a different tent. It was smaller and it had a circle of cages, each occupied by a beautiful lion. Four were girls and 2 were boys. Trowa was amazed. He had always loved lions, but he never thought he would be able to see one so close. The cages encircled a small circus ring. In the center, there was a veritable jungle gym for the lions to perform in. There was a man in the tent, cleaning the cages. He turned when the two children and smiled kindly. It took a moment, but Trowa recognized him as the nice clown he had seen before. He smiled good-humouredly at them, though a strange look passed through his eye as he looked at Trowa. He looked angry for a minute, but it passed and he winked at Catherine.

"Well hello Catherine. Did you find yourself a boyfriend?"

Catherine's face scrunched up.

"Eww. He's not my boyfriend. His name's Trowa. He can't find his mom and dad so Daddy's out looking for them."

The man nodded.

"Well, young man, you're welcome to stay here. Would you like to pet Osiris here?" He said, gesturing to the larger boy lion.

Trowa looked at the man and nodded, a slight smile gracing his small, solemn face. The man smiled back and walked back to the cage, opening the door and tapping the bars.

"Down Osiris. Come out, come out, it's time to play."

The lion looked at the man with a bored expression before standing up and sauntering out. Trowa watched as the lion stayed with the end of the riding crop, following the end of it as if it were a leash… almost as if he knew exactly where the whip would go before the man himself did. He led the lion right up to Trowa, tapping the ground twice a few feet in front of the awed boy. The lion immediately lay down right at that spot, watching Trowa and yawning. His huge teeth shining in the bright lights and his huge head practically splitting in half the yawn was so big. The small boy was not scared though, rather he smiled as if he knew the lion was just playing a game.

"Osiris here is a gentle beast. Pet him if you want to."

Trowa stepped forward, reaching out tentatively and placing his small hand on the giant nose of the lethargic animal before moving back to scratch behind the huge fluffy ears. The big cat's hair was a lot coarser than Trowa thought it would be, but he felt comfortable, though the animal could have inhaled him without too much trouble. Osiris stuck a lazy nose into his chest, sniffing loudly, and then suddenly licked a huge rough tongue up Trowa's sweatshirt, sending the boy backwards with its strength. He landed in the sawdust on his butt, eliciting a giggle from Catherine who had climbed up to play in the cat's jungle gym. Trowa sat in the sawdust, laughing quietly. The old man shook his head.

"Well I have to say Trowa. You seem to have a way with beasts. He seems to like you."

Trowa laughed and crawled back to bury his hands in the Osiris' mane.

"He likes me because I like him."

When Rashid returned a few hours later, Catherine and the old man were showing Trowa how to walk a tightrope, using a thicker rope they had tied between two of the large structures in the ring. Trowa seemed to be a natural at it. The other two were egging him on, as he was halfway across already for the first time. There was telltale sawdust, hinting at previous failed attempts. When Rashid walked in, Trowa looked over and lost his balance. Before he fell though, he had grabbed the rope and swung down before dropping the few inches between himself and the ground. Rashid clapped.

"Trowa here is amazing isn't he Rashid?" The old man asked, standing up with a groan and going to help Trowa up. He handed Trowa a little balloon lion he had fashioned while he had been sitting. Trowa looked up, smiling a little more.

"Thank you." He said, receiving a kind wink from the old man.

Rashid nodded and smiled at Trowa.

"I must admit. You seem to be very natural."

"Ay. He's fearless too. Even old Osiris didn't scare him."

Catherine spoke to Trowa from one of the tilted wooden ladders where she sat prettily.

"Rashid and his flying Maguanacs are famous acrobats. They've been everywhere. Even to France."

Trowa had grown quite comfortable with the little group now and he looked up at Rashid with big eyes. He almost seemed happy now, Rashid noticed.

"Really?" He felt as though he had said that word so many times, but he had never met so many interesting people, or seen so many interesting things.

"Yes." He said in his imposing deep voice. "Our group toured all over Europe before we were honored to come work with Le Cirque D'Etoiles. I must admit, I've never seen someone so agile at an age so young. It's a shame you're too young to join us."

Trowa nodded sadly.

"My father would never let me do something like this." He said, shivering and hugging his little lion, his drawn face looking too wise for someone so young. "He'll be really mad because I got lost."

Catherine leapt down, walking over to hug the boy.

"It's not your fault Trowa. I'm sure they'll be happy when they see you're ok. Don't worry. I'm sure we'll find them soon.

******

Three weeks later, Trowa sat, pressed into the corner against the wall in a small bed within a large orphanage bedroom full of little beds that lined up like unmarked gravestones. Beds for the lost. He still clutched his balloon lion, though it was quite flimsy now, it's little drawn smile now a bit crooked with the loss of air to hold it up. His parents had not shown up. He had been patient and waited, but they were nowhere to be found. No one had told him as much, but he was not a stupid little boy. He knew that even though he hadn't know what his address was when the policeman asked him, the police were very smart and that just his phone number was all they would need to find his mom and dad. If they hadn't found them yet, then his parents were gone and they weren't coming back. They didn't want him. He was alone now. Completely alone. It wasn't like his parents had paid much attention to him as it was, but it hurt and Trowa didn't know why. He wiped his runny nose and teary eyes on the sleeve of the shirt that was too big for him that he had gotten from the orphanage people. All the other children were downstairs having activity time, but he hadn't felt like it today and they had said that he could stay in bed if he wanted to.

"Trowa!"

Trowa looked up, red eyed, to see Cathy running to him. Rashid and the Ringmaster were talking with the man who read them stories and came and talked to them when it was visiting time. Trowa thought he was probably in charge. Cathy gave him a big hug, squeezing the deflated lion between them.

"Trowa I'm so happy! You get to come home with us!"

Trowa sniffed.

"With you?"

"Yes. Rashid got Daddy to adopt you. He told him how nice you were and how all the lions liked you and I said, "Please daddy?" and he said Ok! It's going to take a long time to adopt you, but they said that we could be your foster family for a while just in case your real mommy and daddy come back."

Trowa buried his head in his knees.

"They won't. They don't love me. They don't want to be my mom and dad anymore. That's why they're gone."

Catherine gave hugged him, though he was in a tight little ball.

"Well, my daddy is a good daddy. He's not married, but if you want, I could be your mommy."

Trowa sniffed and looked up. Rashid had come to kneel in front of them, looking seriously at Trowa, asking with his eyes if Trowa wanted this. Trowa looked at Cathy who still had her arms around him, her head lying in his shoulder, and then at Rashid. With one final sniff, he wrapped his little arms around Rashid's big neck, still clutching his little lion. Rashid lifted him, took Cathy's hand and they went back to the circus.

Trowa woke up, bleary eyed in his apartment. Sun shone through the open window and the birds were especially noisy this morning. Trowa found that his neck was much stiffer this morning and groaned in pain as he tried to lift his head. He found that his pillow was wet and his eyes and eyelashes were wet with tears. He remembered faintly having flits of dreams last night. He must have been dreaming about his past. Something he did rarely. Probably he could blame them on the heavy painkillers and the adrenaline rush and events of yesterday. He wiped his face and crawled stiffly out of bed, to prepare for the day, deciding that he definitely needed to call Cathy after his two classes today. He suddenly felt very homesick.