Altered Dib
An Invader Zim fan fiction
By monkey byte
Well, here I am pounding away on my second installment but before I continue I need to take a moment to air my appreciation to those fine folks who not only took time to read this but also had the thoughtfulness to provide input. Impmon: thanks for the ego-feed. I just hope I don't get into a "monkey" rut if I post any more stories. Poison Tears: to a regular FFN contributor, thanks for the critique. I can't promise that I'll make the plot for Altered Dib any more interesting, though. This is a virginal story for me and from the outset I planned for it to be mostly a vehicle for my mean and sophomoric humor. This is more of an exercise in self discipline rather than aesthetics, meaning, I actually intend to finish it. To be fair I will turn up the heat on Zim so Dib won't be my only whipping boy. GS2aholic: Yes, I love Zim's voice. I like Dib's voice too but I agree with you on his creepy, nerdy laugh. Ever meet Richard Horvitz? The man has the soul of a Saint and the voice and longevity of an Elf. He was at San Diego last year and he remembered my name hours after signing for me-a Saint, I tells ya!! :sniff: Best 40 year old to ever play a 16 year old in 1987! Yep…well, better get back to the story, but thanks again, guys!
****************************************************************************************************************
Part Two: Problem
Risking another lashing Zim gave chase, his antennae standing on end. Droplets of blood trickled behind him as he limped into the darkness. -Darkness!!?? "Rrrghhhh!!" No wonder that bastard hatchling of Membrane got in here! He's probably crippled everything below the main floor before I found him, the filth wad has had enough practice! Zim had to asses the damage and fast. "Computer!!" he howled into the base.
"OWW!" a chambered, metallic voice howled back. "THAT HURTS! WHAAAT?!!"
"Intruder Alert!"
"AHHHH! LOWER THAT TO A ROAR! ANYTHING BELOW A PIN DROP IS GONNA KILL ME."
"Computer", Zim almost whispered, hoping to get some cooperation out of the deal. "we have an intruder, which is probably why you're so sensitive. Apprehend him so I can work on making you better."
"LOOK, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE. I JUST WANT AN ASPRIN"
"How on Irk are you going to take an aspirin?!" Zim raised his voice again, getting impatient and annoyed.
"GAH! I TOLD YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN!"
"Look, I'm your master and the least you can do is capture that Dib-monkey so I can try to find out what's wrong with you!"
"OH, NOW THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, IS THERE? WELL, SMART MAN, WHY DON'T YOU GET THIS DIB-MONKEY WHILE I TAKE A RECOUP HOLIDAY?"
"Computer!"
"I HATE YOU."
"Computer!!"
"I DO. YOU NEVER TAKE ME OUT ANYWHERE."
"RHhhhhh! Computer, for the last time-"
"THAT'S IT!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS! I'M SHUTTING DOWN NOW! " There was a loud 'click' followed by that ominous "powering down" sound as the lights dimmed some more.
Zim stared wide eyed in shock for a moment before the ugly reality sank in like water to his clothes. "Nnnnoooooohh!" but before he could cut to his hysterical self lamenting a loud crash from further down the hall snapped him back to the realization that Dib was still on the premises and further violating his not-so-humble home. Just then Zim remembered he had one more card in his playing hand, even if it was a Joker. "Gir!" he blurted.
"Yessir!" another metallic voice rang out, this one in a much higher pitch and carrying a ring of deadly zeal. A tiny, chrome-like body dropped from the ceiling and landed on it's feet with a clang, red eyes ablaze with eagerness to offer vestigial help (funny how he could be oblivious to the action downstairs but still have the savvy to skip the now defunct elevator, huh?).
"Gir," Zim growled. "Dib got in again!"
"Ooohhhhhh! Turkey!" the android's eyes faded to a blue haze. Zim got that sinking feeling that he was losing Gir fast. Normally he was used to this but darn it, this was an emergency.
" He's destroying the base, Gir! Attack the hu-um, hominid!" Back in crimson SIR mode, Gir's goofy face hardened into a scowl. He thrust his left arm into the Irken salute and tore off into the waiting corridor with his own intimidating arsenal emerging from his head. What was left of the lights flickered and what followed were some explosions, smoke and all that pyrotechnic stuff that agitated Zim initially. Dib could also be heard screaming but it didn't sound like him anymore. The battered Invader relaxed a bit and whatever Irkens used for adrenaline was starting to ebb and his pain receptors began to stir. He rubbed his injured arm and decided some first aid was in order. But poor Zimmy wouldn't get to lick his wounds just yet. As soon as Gir shed a little light on his quarry all his aggression vaporized in the cyan light.
"Eeeeeeeeeee!! Monkey!"
Zim overheard this and that sinking feeling came back to accompany his pain. For the love of Irk. So much for repairing himself. He opened the Pak again. This time the "spider" legs jettisoned out, propping him into the air. The pinpoint feet pricked the floor as he forced himself onward. Forget about the experiments-cut straight to blowing the dirt thing up. He snarled in animosity and pain. Gir's blue lights blinked stupidly as his master went by. The SIR thought that maybe he should be involved in this somehow but he spied a dust bunny lying against the baseboard and he felt obligated to introduce himself. As Zim passed the recent smoking carnage and entered the arsenal room he noted the various weapons and canisters of volatile substances that were knocked over or simply thrown in the floor. That Dib would blow himself up for being so reckless is too much to hope for, obviously, Zim seethed. The Irken didn't bother picking anything up in here, it was all to heavy to pursue a single earth creature as most of it was built for mass destruction and as long as Dib was in the base that was out of the question. Zim skittered across the scattered equipment careful not to touch anything that would send him to Kingdom Come. The "illuma-limb" came out of the Pak again as Zim scanned the room for signs of the Earth vermin. At the other end of the room there was a blur of movement and as soon as the light fell on it more doomsday objects crashed to the floor with the quiet subtlety of a semi truck falling on its side.
A growl that was more like a suppressed scream gurgled in Zim's throat before he finally spat it out. "The base can't defend itself against him, Gir!" Not that he was actually expecting this to elicit a proactive response from the robot (who had by now named the aforementioned dust bunny Joyce and was telling her how great chocolate cake went with hollandaise) but he was pretty frustrated here. "He'll destroy it for sure!" The Dib frantically climbed over the things he had knocked over, completely oblivious to all the potential danger except for Zim charging at him. He let out a weird mix of a war cry and a shriek of terror as he slipped into the other corridor nearest him. The tips of the Pak's legs made a pleasant grinding-on-chalkboard sound as Zim slid around the corner in pursuit. His "adrenaline" was back so the piercing screech was hardly noticed.
There were more emergency lights on in this hall and Zim noticed all the articles of clothing Dib had shed as he ran (hey, you try running with clothes on top of a fur coat). Not that this will make any difference once he's a pile of smoking, charred flesh. The Pak now had a small set of cannons to join the running legs and lamp arm. Zim finally caught the hunched and frantic form in his sights and open fired. The beam hit and sent smoke, flame and debris in all directions. The corridor was impassible at the moment and some more lights were knocked out so Zim had to wait. When the dust cleared there was a huge gaping maw in the wall but no Dib parts to be found. Damn his dumb luck! Zim didn't really believe in luck but he didn't really have a working explanation for Dib's resilience, despite now having a brain the size of an apricot. He's a simple game animal and to top it off he's-
:slap:
completely unarmed?….Zim reeled back from the impact and the Pak legs failed beneath him. As he hit the floor the lamp arm struck the side of his head and the cannons fired off another round on impact, showering him in nasty wall shrapnel. He tried to call out for Gir but his mouth became choked with dust and embers. He spat out the deadly material as hard as he could before flying into a seizure-like coughing fit. When he heaved so hard he thought he would literally vomit he gripped his sides until the spasms subsided. He took a deep breath. Okay, I'm intact There's probably burns and cuts on top of bruises because everything hurts like Blortch but nothing seems broken or missing. He drew all the Pak's implements back in and slowly sat up. That horrible taste was still in his mouth so he spat some more and that's when he noticed something hot and wet on his face. Great. Head trauma would top this off real nice right now. A gloved three digit hand swabbed some of the substance off and held it in front of the ruby eyes. It looked nothing like Irken gore, that was a relief, but Zim didn't like the color and consistency of it-then it dawned on him when he noticed the smell. "Grahhhh!! Sscchhhiiiiiittt!!!" Ever since he learned this word he always substituted it for the Irken equivalent kranu. Those s's and t's seemed to have more linguistic edge and human profanity was rather infectious. He pulled another device from his Pak.
"Gir!" he wailed into the microphone. "Get over here and help meee!" He caught his breath for a second. "And bring me the damn phone!!" The next option he was about to try was humiliating to say the least but he wasn't about to blow up his own base to avenge the personal shame of being defeated by a primitive human and having a Dib turd on his forehead.
Vampire Piggy V: Vlad's Doom Swine was a decent waste of time as long as Dib wasn't around to interrupt and babble about Yetis, Lizard Boys and Zim. Mysterious Mysteries was on according to the TV listing and Dib was nowhere to be found, not that Gaz had a problem with it. As usual Daddy Membrane was absent so she was content push buttons as the cloaked figure onscreen slashed his way through an army of dark pork (sorry, Mr. Raimi, I can't help it!). The electronic ringing from the phone next to her joined in with the music, sound effects and beeping from Gaz's GS2. The answering machine picked up. "Greetings!" her Father's voice sang from the static hiss of the tape. "You have reached the voice line of the Membrane Empire-er, household and we are unable to pick up. Please leave your name and number with a brief message and we'll respond as soon as we can, bye!" The shrill beep of the answer tone followed.
" Hell-oohhhh!" that all too familiar electronic voice invaded Gaz's eardrums. "Joyce says hiiiiiiii! Oh, and she like tacos and poodles and venereal warts! Master gots dookie on his face and he can't get it off 'cuz all the bathing stuff is in the cleaning chambers and he can't get in 'cuz the computer's down and the lights are low and he smells really bad and I like your pretty hair an-"
"Gir give me that!" There was some rustling and a pause. "Gaz, pick up , you demoness!"
What a flatterer. "Gaz, get over here! Your repulsive brother is here and he's destroying my b-place!" This she had to hear. She turned off the game after she reached her save point.
"Talk to me", she said with an evil smirk.
The voice on the other line paused in surprise then "Gaz! Your Dib is a monkey!"
"My Dib?" she snorted, "and duh, he's a monkey."
"No! Dib is literally a monkey! The kind that have fur, sharp teeth and fling excrement, get it, human?!" Gaz sat back as a nasty smile creeped across her lips and her eyes narrowed.
"I'll be right there", she cooed infernally.