Christmas

By

Tayoni

~*~ Part Seven ~*~

            Actually Little Stevie wasn't all that bad.  He and Clark returned to the game room to hang out with him once they'd gotten over the initial shock of introductions.  Stevie handed a beer to Lex, took one for himself, and handed Clark a bottle of soda.

            "Rrrr..."  Clark grumbled.

            "Shut up, and drink your root beer, Junior."

            "Rrrrr..."  Clark growled more loudly, but then he laughed when Steve let him have a sip of his beer.

            Clark wouldn't let go and Steve had to snatch it back from him.  "Uncle Bill'd kill me if he caught you with a beer in your hand."

            "My point in hanging onto it."  Clark mentioned.  "What kind of mood is Aunt Monster in today?"

            "Aunt Monster?"  Lex wondered.

            "Oh, she's bitchy, raggy, nasty, and opinioted.  She called me fat boy all the way here and told me I should get liposuction."

            "Oh.  She's in a good mood then."  Clark said with a grin.

            "Yeah.  She didn't try to hit me when gramma made me kiss her cheek."

            "Haydeen's yer gramma, right?"  Lex wondered at Steve.

            "Yep."  Stevie said.

            "So, who is Aunt Monster?"

            "Our Aunt Monster, I mean Meagan."  They both said, looked at each other and chuckled.

            Clark looked at Lex.  "Aunt Monster is Haydeen's cousin."

            "We figure she's as bitchy as she is because she hasn't gotten laid in twenty or sixty years."  Steve mentioned.

            Lex scowled at them both.

            "There's a reason for that."  Clark said.

            "Ain't shyness like for you, Corkie."

            "Shut Up!"  Clark complained and turned colors.

            "So, Lex, you wanna play pool?"  Steve asked.

            "Nah, but I wouldn't mind a game of billiards."

            "Awww...I'm not good at that."  He whined.

            Clark laughed.  "Don't let him fool you into betting.  His grampa was a pool shark, and he's a big lump off the old block."

            "You little..."  Steve shoved Clark so that he fell over on the sofa.

            "Hey..."  Clark complained.

            "My dad warned me about playing a pool shark, but I can't resist a good challenge."  Lex said with a grin.

            Steve grinned back.

            "You guys, dinner's about done."  Grampa said over the intercom.

            "Food!"  Clark said, righted himself and ran up the stairs.

            "After dinner?"  Lex wondered.

            "If we can still move."  Steve said.

~*~ Part Eight ~*~

            The three of them helped Grampa and Lorey with the table.  Lex carried a huge platter into the dining room, which was almost overflowing with barbecued spare ribs, and put it down on the buffet table.  There was another huge platter already there which Clark had delivered, and there was still a whole roasting pan overflowing with more.  Lorey put the glasses out.  Grampa put the salad bowl down, and then a huge bowl of steamed broccoli, and a tray with twice baked potatoes.  There were two rice dishes, pasta salad, pigs in the blankets, beans, candied yams, dinner rolls, fruit salad, ambrosia salad, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravey, two different soups, and that wasn't everything.

            Clark came along and put another bowl of vegetables on the overcrowded buffet table.

            "How many people are here, Clark?"  Lex wondered.

            "Except Aunt Meagan, you met everyone."  Clark said.

            "God help you."  Steve said, and then pouted.  "You poor man!  How horrible for you!"  He said and hugged him way too hard, and squeazed the air out of him.  "You poor, poor little squeaky bald man!"

            "G'OFF!"  Lex complained breathlessly in a forced squeak.

            Clark giggled evily.

            Steve let him go.  "Seriously though, whatever she may say, however vicious, will be countered with nothing but a..."  he picked up a spare rib and shook it.  "...smack in the face with one of these."

            Lex's eyes opened wide at Clark.

            "Yes, she's that bad."  Clark said.

            "Between her and my gramma, it's a wonder Uncle Bill's still sane.  Last time Aunt Meagan was here, Clark's dad was here too, and he got called a peice of filthy impudent worthless farm trash unworthy of her grand-neice."

            Lex made the mistake of letting his jaw drop.

            So Steve stuffed the spare rib in his mouth.

            "MMMppphhh!"  Lex grumbled at him, but kept his sense of humor and tasted.  "Mmmm..."  He chewed.  "Mmmmm...ohhhh, yeah...oh, yeah!"

            Clark gave him a surprised look.

            "That better than any sex you ever had or what?"  Steve asked.

            "mmmm-hmmm..."  Lex groaned and sucked it up.  "Never had any as good as this before."

            "Sex or ribs?"  Clark wondered.

            "Both."  Lex said.

            Steve put his arm around Clark's shoulders and smiled broadly.  "Clarkie here wouldn't know, so you'll have to explain that to him later."

            Clark's eyes got huge and he turned crimson.  "Steve!" 

            Lex almost choked.  "Man, you are evil!"

            "I know."  He said, and got Clark in a head lock.  "NOOOGIEEESS!"

            "OW!  SttooooooOOooop!"  Clark whined.

            "STEVIE WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT?"

            "Uhhh...Clark's head isn't a washboard?"

            "QUIT PICKING ON YER BABY COUSIN!"  Grampa shouted.

            "Oh, sure, Uncle Bill.  Take his side!"  Steve grumbled still holding Clark in the headlock.

            He squeazed a little tighter.

            "Oh, how nice.  Little Stevie and Corkey are playing together.  Isn't that nice?"  Aunt Haydeen wondered walking in.

            Clark gave Steve a poke in the ribs.

            "ugghhh!"  Steve scoughed and let go of Clark.

            Lorey came along and put one last bowl of food on the buffet table.  "That's everything.  Dinner's all set now."

            "Good.  Let's dig in."  Haydeen said and got a plate, and helped herself to pickles and put mustard on them.

            Lex avoided looking at it.

            "Gramma!"  Steve complained.

            "Oh, my.  Here you are."  She said and put a mustard dipped pickle in her grandson's mouth.

            Clark grabbed Lex's shoulder to support himself so he wouldn't fall over laughing--or maybe so Lex couldn't run away.

            "mmmm...hey, not bad, Gramma."  Steve said.

            Lex gulped.

            "You two stop messing around."  Grampa ordered.  "Where'd Meagan go?"

            "She stopped off in the powder room."  Haydeen said.

            Lex glanced at Clark, wondering what to do.

            "Well let's just eat."  Grampa demanded.

            "Hope she doesn't fall in and clog the toilet."  Steve said softly.  "I'm gonna wanna use it after this."

            "Oh, Steve, that's a horrible thing to say."  Aunt Haydeen said.  "It's not nice to talk about bodily functions during meal times."

            Clark and Lex busted up laughing helplessly.  Clark still had a hold of Lex's shoulder and almost pulled him over.  Lex had to grab a hold of Steve to stay on his feet.

            "Pickle?"  Steve asked, and stuck a mustard dipped pickle under his nose.

            Lex pushed his hand away and laughed harder.

            Steve put the pickle under Clark's nose.

            Clark pushed his hand away.

            "Mon, man, try it!"  He said and tried to make him try it.

            "No."  Clark said and pushed his hand away.

            "Mon!"  He said and got a hold of him.  "I'll pry yer mouth open and feed it to you."

            "StOOooop!"  Clark growled angrily, gave him a poke in the ribs again.

            "OOWww, man!"  Steve whined childishly, and evoked another string of ridiculous giggles.

            "Can always tell when Steve's here."  Grampa said half frustrated and half laughing.

~*~ Part Nine ~*~

            Lex watched in amazement as Clark and Stevie stuffed themselves.  The two of them looked like they could eat everything on the buffet table and still want more.  He thought it was pretty funny to think that he had barbecue sauce all over his face and he was wearing a big plastic bib.  He wondered what his father would think.

            He'd probably blow a blood vessel, he thought, and helped himself to more spare ribs.

            Clark, Steve, Grampa, Aunt Haydeen and Lorey were all in the same shape--messy.  He ate bits of broccoli and mashed potatoes, but mostly he ate the beef spare ribs.  They were so good that it didn't matter how full he got, he didn't want to stop eating them.

            He saw Clark drink soda from his glass and he got a barbecue sauce handprint on it.  Everyone else's glasses looked the same.  Their forks were a wreck too.  Conversation was limited to grunts and two word sentences.  He dropped bones into a growing pile of  in the middle of the table in a big aluminum pan which had been put there as a bone dish.

            "Oh, for the love of mercy herself!"  A woman said.  "It's a swine convention in here!"

            Lex looked up and saw a woman he'd seen before, and he felt the whole room rise while he sank.  Yes, he knew her from somewhere.  She'd been at a few of his father's parties, and she'd done nothing but complain about everything.

            She motioned at Clark.  "But what else should I expect when you let this hillbilly farming filth in the house!"

            Lex stiffened and saw Clark get a little stiff too.

            "Sit down, shut the the hell up and eat, Meagan."  Grampa said.

            The woman ignored his remark, and looked straight at Lex.  "Well, I think if you got out from underneath all that slop, I might recognize you.  I must have seen you on the news, painting a Swastika on a black church during one of those skinhead conventions."

            "Aunt Meagan..."  Clark started.

            "S'okay Clark."  Lex said.

            "Not that I'd care if you did.  Might chase a few of them back to where they belong.  Animals alls of them."  She said.

            Clark's jaw tightened.

            Lex knew Clark was thinking of Pete.

            "Not that your kind are much better."  Meagan griped darkly.  "I understand you're this little hillbilly bastard's friend.  Look like a pansy to me.  Shave yer head trying to make yourself look like you aren't a little pussy, I suppose?  Not that I care, but who the hell are you?"

            He grinned, and did a thing worthy of Steve.  He put his saucey hand out.  "Lex Luthor."

            Steve and Clark coughed to hide laughter.

            "Heavens.  William!  Why didn't you tell me this was Lionel's boy?"  She asked.

            "Figured I'd let you put yer neck in a noose first."

            Lex smirked keeping his hand out, waiting for her to either avoid it, or shake.

            Aunt Meagan stared down her nose at his saucey hand, and then looked at Grampa.  "At least have some manners and feed a man of his status something decent, instead of this pig food that farm trash father of that farm trash hillbilly grandson of yours convinced you was a civilized meal.  Wasn't for that bastard you'd have left the cooking up to the help, and kept them in the kitchen where they belong."  She said and made a nasty face at Lorey who was at the table.  "Not to mention you'd have a real grandson instead of some stray whore's spawn.  Who the hell knows where he came from!"

            Clark stiffened in his seat.

            Lex opened his mouth to give her what for, but Clark nudged him under the table.  He turned in his seat and resumed eating, like he figured Clark wanted him too.  Only Clark could get him to behave under the circumstances.

            "Meagan shut yer goddammed mouth.  How many times I gotta tell you, if you got nothing nice to say, then keep that ugly hole shut!  One of these times yer gonna go to far and I'll superglue yer lips closed!  Maybe that'll learn you!"  Grampa growled.

            Aunt Meagan glared hatefully at Clark, as though it was his fault she'd got reamed.  She went to the buffet table and put rice, vegetables, and some small scoops of this and a little of that.  It was all very neat on a very large plate.  None of the little scoops of food touched the others.  She sat down at the table stiffly, and took a bite of something.  "This is terrible!  William, why'd you let that impudent farm trash..."

            "Meagan for the love of God, have a care."  Grampa growled.

            She took a bite of something different.  "What is this horrible slop?  Something else yer bastard daughter's bastard farm trash husband told you was food, I suppose?"

            "Actually, I got the recipe for that particular dish from Mrs. Luthor about thirty years ago."

            "Oh, well, it's quite delicious."

            Lex felt the air getting thick and he looked to Clark for some idea of how he should be reacting.

            Clark met his eyes and then went on eating like Meagan was just talking about the weather.  He picked up a salt shaker, and Lex noted that before he tipped it over his plate he tightened the cap which Steve had loosened.

            Steve looked dissapointed.

            "Maybe you'd like to try the ribs, Meagan?"  Aunt Haydeen said.

            "What makes you think I'd want to eat food he learned to make from a dirty Hillbilly?"

            "Because Meagan, they're almost as good as sex, and we all know how badly you need to get some of that."  Aunt Haydeen said.

            Lex had to clamp his teeth together to stop himself from laughing and spitting food all over.

            Steve choked.

            Clark pounded his cousin on the back.

            Lex didn't dare look at Aunt Meagan.  He just knew she was glaring at Aunt Haydeen.  Even thinking about the look, and hearing Grampa and Lorey choking back laughter was killing him.  He barely managed to swallow the food he had in his mouth.

            "Let me get you some ribs, all right, Meagan dear?"

            Poor Clark was trying so hard to not laugh that he was shaking in his chair.

            Steve apparently couldn't take it because he fell on the floor cackling.

            After that no one else could take it.  Except for Aunt Meagan who was far too insulted to laugh, and Aunt Haydeen who was too nuts to know what she'd said, everyone was laughing so hard they were crying.

            They might have all managed to calm down but in trying to get back in his chair, poor Steve fell over again.

MORE TO COME!!!